<p>Yes, it simply comes down to division of labor. I think a household can run very smoothly when each has clearly defined jobs to do. </p>
<p>In our case, I stayed home and taught the kids. So, I’ve been in charge of most things that relate to our kids (dr/dentist visits, clothing, education) and household things like cleaning and meals. My husband has never done the grocery shopping and would have a huge learning curve if he had to suddenly be in charge of it. And I managed all this on a small budget. My husband has no idea how to budget shop for anything so that would also have a big learning curve for him. </p>
<p>I have no idea how to do many of the things he does like pay bills. He has many bills taken care of online and I really need to get the passwords for all of these accounts. It’s not that I couldn’t do it, it is just that I’d have to learn. When we get older, it is just harder to learn. I’m still ’ young’ and so I could learn this somewhat easily, but my Mom is 25 years older than I am and will find managing the bills overwhelming. </p>
<p>I use an excel spreadsheet to keep track of what to pay. I also use another tab of the spreadsheet to show my websites and passwords. That way my H can pay the bills if something happens to me. Although- I try to go over this stuff at least twice a year, H still gets confused by my system. I even color code which paycheck covers which bills, have them automatically total the bills so he can verify we don’t overdo it… Oh well, once I’m gone, he’s on his own. Hopefully the kids will be around to help. I just need to create a spreadsheet showing insurance and what to pay if one of us dies.</p>
<p>As far as the rest of the house, H usually helps out in shopping, laundry, and cleaning. I do the mowing and finally got him to do the weedeater stuff. The easiest way for me to get him to weedeat, was to always ‘bump’ the trimmer and use up the string. H finally got tired of replacing the spool for me, so now he does the trimming. THAT worked much faster than me asking for him to help! ;)</p>
<p>bookreader–make sure your H’s passwords are written down somewhere in a safe place. Even if he became incapacitated for a short time, you would need to know them! </p>
<p>A dear friend’s mother, who was also my friend, just passed away. She was 91 and had recently moved into a nursing home. We will miss her but are grateful she didn’t linger as her health went downhill in several ways. I know her daughter was feeling the pull of taking care of both her mother and her own children…sandwich generation for sure.</p>
<p>Chuckle - I use a color coded spreadsheet too. But my husband isn’t even aware that I do that. He has no interest in learning anything about the bills and I have no interest in learning anything about the tv/stereo so he hands me the bills and I hand him the remote. We’ll both be in trouble if we lose the other. He cooks the meat and I cook the rest. He would only eat meat without me and I would only eat the rest. I think together we make one pretty decent person but separate us and I think we are each less than half. That must be what our parents go through too. To have to learn to do the other’s half at age 88 or so must be really hard.</p>
<p>Problem with mil is that she’s frustrated my h isn’t the same as his dad. Where his dad did all the gardening himself, I used to do ours until I insisted on a gardener. And gluing stuff together? That’s me too. But mil doesn’t even know us well enough to know that. And she doesn’t seem interested in getting to know us either. I still wouldn’t have dropped what I was doing yesterday to run over and glue something for her.</p>
<p>PhotoOp- no advice but sympathy for your situation. As for generational things, my MIL doesn’t drive and does all the traditional woman jobs while FIL does most of the man jobs. H and I are different - he worked so much as a young lawyer I ended up doing both sets of jobs- cleaning, cooking, raising kids, shopping, lawn, snow, bills, fixing things, etc. When I went back to work after staying home for many years, he has tried to do more around the house. I found it very hard to “let go” of my jobs.
We do have a spreadsheet of bills so he could figure it out if needed. I also have a password master list for the gazillions of sites that we seem to need.</p>
<p>Hi,
I haven’t been keeping up with this thread and I don’t want to hijack it but also didn’t want to start a new thread.
My dad died 2.5 years ago and my mom is now 82. A couple of weeks ago she had pneumonia at and was diagnosed at the urgent care office for her healthcare group. She is doing better but is experiencing issues with hr blood pressure and now swelling in her left foot and ankle.
bottom line is that I suspect that she has COPD and smokes in secret but she lies to her doctor about her symptoms. When I took her to urgent care, she told the PA that she only smoked for 20 years. WHAT? I witnessed and breathed the second hand smoke of at least forty. When the PA left the room I called my mom out on it and she played dumb. Even told me that she never inhaled. Okay…</p>
<p>Even before the pneumonia I notice that she is short of breath and wheezes. She thinks we don’t hear it but we do. When I mention it to her she denies any problem. When she was at the Doctor for the pneumonia, they took her oxygen level and it was 93 but the PA noticed in her history that it is routinely only 95. Asked mom if she ever was diagnosed with COPD or has had a breathing test. Nope.</p>
<p>Now, three weeks later, her cough is still there. LEss frequent but very deep and her left ankle is swollen. When I suggest getting some attention she tells me that i make her nervous and put bad ideas in her head. </p>
<p>On Thursday, I will bring her back for a follow up chest x-ray. She’s very nervous about it. AS am I. I will also insist that they look at her ankle, although she will kill me for interfering. </p>
<p>Has anyone else ever dealt with a parent who is in denial about their state of health? My dad was the same way and died of lung cancer before he even knew he had it because he refused to be tested for it. That was for the best in his case because he would have died anyway. With my mom, I think that a diagnoses of COPD (if that is what she has) could give her the options of treatment that could improve her quality of life.</p>
<p>Sorry to have interrupted your thread. Needed to vent.</p>
<p>^Well, 93 is not a terrible rate. I think they put you on supplemental O2 if it goes below 90. But the shortness of breath is a symptom of SOMETHING.</p>
<p>My mother who passed away 12 years ago from a stroke never wanted to go to the doctor. Her upbringing was such that you didn’t go to a doctor unless you were dying, so of course nobody wanted to go! We think she may have had colon issues (cancer? IBS?) but she wouldn’t admit anything. So yeah, otherwise intelligent adults will lie to themselves and their doctor.</p>
<p>Thanks, Mommusic. I was actually surprised that her oxygen wasn’t lower but I am convinced something is amiss and I’m guessing it’s COPD (of course I’m not a doctor and don’t even play one on TV). Even before the pneumonia she has had a dry hacking cough that is often triggered by eating or drinking. I just wish that her doctor would pick up on what, I feel, is obvious and not depend on my moms self reporting.</p>
<p>After having gone through this with my dad, I have mixed feelings about knowing too much. My dad would go to the doctor routinely but refused most tests. As a result he would wallow in anxiety over his health and worry himself sick that he had a dreaded disease. Eventually he did have one and never knew it. That was a good way to go. But to live with constant anxiety, not knowing what is wrong with you and not taking advantage of treatment that is available, to me, seems crazy.</p>
<p>COPD can indeed be managed well IF it is treated properly. Hopefully the PA will order a simple (but difficult if you’re breathless) breathing test to help figure out what’s going on with your mom. If she’s at 93% at rest, she could be much lower when active and or sleeping. If your O2 is at 88% it below while walking briskly, resting or sleeping, you qualify for supplemental O2, which is only helpful if you will wear it (doesn’t do any good gathering dust). </p>
<p>There are medications as well that can help. IF your mom wants to quit, her PA or MD can help, but its really up to HER. </p>
<p>For most healthy folk, O2 level at sea level should be 95-100%. You can PM me if you have any COPD Qs–know way more than I ever wanted to!</p>
<p>EPTR: can you can the doctors office before you go and give them a heads up? And ask them to be discrete? I’ve done that with my moms doctors at various points.</p>
<p>I agree that if you can make a call ahead of time and describe what’s going on and concerning you as a loved one, the doc can try to help figure out whether he can help treat it and order appropriate testing. Am surprised that no one has performed a lung test on your mom with the symptoms and history–seems like the PA was wondering too. It doesn’t violate HIPPA for us to call and indicate we have a concern about our loved one, they just can’t GIVE US info but we can give them info.</p>
<p>Yeah…I hate to do it but I might have to. Trouble is that i did this before when my dad was sick and the doctor was not discreet. Made family life very difficult for a while.
Himom,
That’s what I find so frustrating! The PA picked up on her O2 and I thought she would follow up with my mom’s primary care but…no. </p>
<p>I choose to mail a typed letter to the doctor to update. I write it without my mother knowing- if he tells her so be it. I keep it to one page and concise. I send this a month before an appointment ( I am not present). If you go with them to appointments you can hand the letter in at the checkin without them knowing it. It is sometimes difficult to get someone in the office to actually relate the info to the doctor on a phone call- third party info is not usually translated well.</p>
<p>Mailing a concise typed summary of symptoms that are concerning is a good idea, especially if you can be as specific as possible as to frequency and severity so that the patient can’t minimize it. It is unfortunate that the PA didn’t pursue the breathing test or at least mention it to the MD. Perhaps you can also mention this in the letter–you were wondering about follow up breathing testing that the PA mentioned.</p>
<p>COPD is a bit tricky to manage if the patient is not willing to be treated. It may improve her quality of life but only if she is willing to take the fairly expensive meds. Breathing tests while having pneumonia is probably not a good idea. It is the job of the primary care provider to read the urgent care notes of the perhaps more observant PA, but don’t be afraid to ask the primary for your mom to be evaluated for COPD. </p>
<p>I suspect your mom has at least mild COPD but certainly having a deep cough 3 weeks after a diagnosis of pneumonia for an 83 y.o is not unusual along to wheezing and course breathing. The dry cough can be caused by one of her BP meds (anything that ends with a “pril”). With patients of that age, expect about 3 months till complete recovery.</p>
<p>That is all good information. Thank you. I didn’t realize that full recovery could take that long! Do you think the swollen left ankle and foot is of concern and/or related to the pneumonia or breathing issues?</p>
<p>When my mom was dealing with the after effects of her bug bite (and she lost 10 pounds in a month) her geriatric specialist told her to expect 3-4 days of recovery time for each day she was ill. Since she was feeling ill for 2-3 weeks, we told her not to get frustrated for 6-
12 weeks. She’s feeling better on the early end of that spectrum, but if she or I had kept midlife healing times in our heads as “normal” we would have been disappointed.</p>
<p>EPTR, whenever my dad is at the doctor, they always check for swelling in his ankles. I don’t know why, but it’s something they definitely keep an eye on.</p>
<p>Breathing issues, cough, recent pneumonia and a swollen ankle? And maybe still smoking, plus her age? I’d ask the doctor specifically about this combo.</p>
<p>It can be nothing of particular concern. But one relationship is lungs>heart>circulation. Been through this, with relatives.</p>