<p>momsquad - I really liked and appreciated that story - thank you for sharing. My own mother managed to go out without intervention. She never wanted it either.</p>
<p>I know my Dad has in place that if he should fall or fail in any way, NO ONE can insert a needle into him. He doesn’t want pain killers, antibiotics, nothing. I think he is a LITTLE overboard, but mostly I admire his choice. He is taking his diabetes meds so he isn’t trying to kill himself with neglect, but he is making a choice not to fight a “natural” end. </p>
<p>I am sad today again, Mom hasn’t been very good for the past 2.5 weeks. Just a bit more “off”. Yesterday she fell in the night but didn’t push her button to get help because she “never ever did it.” … except for last week when I had her push it while I was on the phone because she had a bad headache and needed a tylenol. </p>
<p>She couldn’t get her cell phone to work today. Sent 5 text messages to me, but couldn’t pick up when I tried to call back. I don’t know if A landline would work better for her at this point. </p>
<p>The original caretaker that we had hired to give her her pills when she moved in almost a year ago to the independent side, told me she had left the facility and moved to CA a while ago. This was when I was texting her to see if she could help Mom with the phone thing. Mom insisted that she had talked to Brenda and Brenda was willing to go live with her so she could move back “home”. </p>
<p>GAK. and blah. Other than that, I’ll be going up next week for the continuing saga of the trial to evict the renters. And I was planning to take her out of town while the estate sale of her and Grandma’s treasures are sold. H is hanging on by his fingernails, but is sick of the time sink and messes she creates. </p>
<p>Just venting and whining. We all have troubles. My trouble is that she is half there. She sounds like “Mom” when I talk to her about the trial or that my niece needs her birthday card. … but then an hour later it is a big surprise again. </p>
<p>I am not running out of compassion for her, but I am running out of time and methods to prop her up. (for those who haven’t followed along , I don’t live near her and never will …)</p>
<p>I hope the trial and eviction get settled soon eso. I was thinking how each situation is different and the more variations I hear, the more I wouldn’t trade my own mess for anyone else’s. as much as I never wanted nor expected my mom to move in with me, I would have a tough time dealing with all the issues from a distance.</p>
<p>esobay, I initially thought a cell phone was the answer to my mother’s dialing problems. She never quite took to it, and it became useless.
We’ve had some success with a landline (corded), picture phone (actually clarity 400) where I can just remind her to “push my face.” There’s room for 9 pictures.
I know what you mean about the fluctuating cognitive skills. I now think of the brighter spots as “coming up for air (for me)” rather than experiencing any optimism.</p>
<p>The phone thing is a dilemma at my house too. If there is an emergency, our numbers are posted next to the landline. She can dial- if she doesn’t get too flustered. My problem is that my mom, if she answered the phone, which luckily she doesn’t so far, would order 10 of anything from anyone. She was recently getting 11 magazines and 6 book series - a new book every 4 days! (omg I can’t stand this one company) because the person was being “insistent” and she gave in to get rid of them. (It would not cross her mind in a million years to just say goodbye and hang up!) She would also order from a nice person because they were nice. So for now , she is welcome to call her friends whenever she wants from our phone. I don’t know what we’ll do when she gets worse. I like the idea of pictures of our faces to press for dialing. I wish you could successfully block incoming calls from solicitors. We have all phones on fed do not call list and still get sales calls.</p>
<p>About 5 weeks ago, my mom called me in a panic because my nephew had called her from Cancun that he had been arrested for having pot on a tour bus and he needed money to be wired in order to avoid prosecution. Thank God, she called me before figuring out how to wire money! </p>
<p>Of course my nephew was not in Cancun. And if he was, he would have had plenty of access to HIS OWN substantial bank account. It was a scam. I called the local police and was told that this has been a common problem at my mom’s senior housing. It is soooo easy to take advantage of seniors.</p>
<p>An update on my moms CT scan. We got the results today and she has some old scar tissue in her lungs from bronchitis but, other than that, nothing to see there! Very relieved and grateful. She had her first Pear Martina tonight after the good news :)</p>
<p>EPTR- very happy to hear the good news!</p>
<p>EPTR- So happy for you.</p>
<p>I also have friends whose elderly parents have been called with the statement that a specific grandchild, by name, was in need of money/ in harm’s way and they were calling on her behalf. There is a lot of information on the internet that lets crooks connect the dots. She thought her father would have a heart attack. Sheesh.</p>
<p>momsquad, thank you so much for that link. </p>
<p>“She died well because she was willing to die too soon rather than too late.” </p>
<p>“Why don’t we die the way we say we want to die? In part because we say we want good deaths but act as if we won’t die at all.”</p>
<p>And the expensive medical “futile flailing” in the last days of life.</p>
<p>So wise and so well said!</p>
<p>My Dad’s wife’s xhusband’s wife got scammed in the GRANDMA send money scam. She (Dad’s wife) was very glad it wasnt her, but then when she got dementia, she put her trust in someone who really scammed her before her daughter was able to get back in control. I hope there is a special place for those evil-doers.</p>
<p>Esobay,
My FIL had Alzheimer’s and about two years before he died he made a “friend” at the local Dunkin’ Donut. Before we realized what was happening, she had bilked him out of 20,000 dollars. It took the local police and my H to finally put a stop to it. Even then, they couldn’t arrest her because he had "agreed " to withdraw money from his account and hand it to her and we had not done the paperwork to declare him incompetent at that point.</p>
<p>It is a scary world for elders and we (there family) need to pay close attention to the people who come into their lives.</p>
<p>FIL co-signed the caregivers car because he was afraid she could not come any more without a good car. Later when she no longer worked for him and was threatened with repossession, he got his credit score dinged badly, credit card limits reduced dramatically and got the calls from the finance company. They lied to him and told him if he paid it off, he had the right to take the car. Not true. He paid it off, she kept it.</p>
<p>He also did major dental work for a guy he met at the local restaurant, nice charity, but odd.</p>
<p>Momsquad - Thanks for the link. I as struck by this quote:</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I’ve had many talks with my parents about this very issue. I have asked them if they have an illness that would leave them in a nursing home for the rest of their life, would they want to be kept alive? 2 years ago they both said “no way.” More recently, my dad changed it to “if I don’t know anyone or where I am” no. Since both parents have dementia, that is the likely scenario.</p>
<p>Such hard conversations to have but so important.</p>
<p>We visited my fil in his new home - I’m not even sure what it is - and it was very depressing. It’s in a terrible neighborhood. The home itself is tidy and yard is well-maintained. We were unexpected which I 've heard is good to do. The people running the place were nice and it was clean but they didn’t really speak English. That wasn’t surprising really. So we went in and it took them a few minutes to understand why we were there and who we wanted to see. Finally we were ushered into his room where he was sleeping. It was hot and stuffy. He got up at the caretakers insistence and with her help and visited with us. He actually seemed better than the last time we saw him and the lady told us he no longer wails and shouts out - which I think is a good sign. She was very affectionate with him and kissed him on his forehead and called him her “big boy.” He responded very well to her. But when we left I told my husband if we had a bigger house and could afford to hire help I would take him home with us. Something just was off. I feel helpless. This was his mother’s decision, not ours, and his mother is constantly mad at us and not communicative. It just seems like he’d be better off at home with an in-home caretaker. I don’t think there’s anything we can do to change it at this point and at least its good to see that he seems to be responding well to the woman - but I still feel unsettled. My husband made me promise for about the 10th time to never do that to him, which I wouldn’t.</p>
<p>I last posted back in March when I found this thread. It was stressful then and now fair to say I’m just numb by weekend dealings and some weeknights with my folks coupled with my wife’s daily process with her father. Thank God this board is basically anonymous because and I understand if some find this harsh, but now I’m angry. My wife called me at work this morning to tell me one of my best life long friends had a massive heart attack last night and died at age 55. I’m angry because I was suppose to go to a party last Saturday night where we were to meet up and do whatever 55 year old friends do. Instead my wife had to deal with her Dad and I with my folks every GD weekend, while our 14 year old daughter makes alternative plans which has now become the norm for her weekends. I’m angry because my friend is dead and they are not. There, I said it. Sorry, venting, the day hasn’t started off too well.</p>
<p>ops,</p>
<p>It’s OK and safe to say it here.</p>
<p>I am so, so sorry about your friend.</p>
<p>So very sorry. We make the best decisions we can.<br>
My mother has announced that she is moving 1000+ miles away, near a cousin she hasn’t seen in decades- because I am so awful to her. If I could tell the whole story-- I don’t even have to, because I know I am not.</p>
<p>I don’t see how she can move, owing to the mess her place is in. But, over the summer, she hasn’t returned my calls. There is no intermediary, besides my brother, on the other coast. (He does reach her, periodically.) I have no reason to think she is suffering dementia. This is personality and, one way or another, is an old, familiar song. I admire all of you who persist and wish you a special blessing- of any sort, a nice day, a kind word, a smile from a stranger.</p>
<p>lookingforward,</p>
<p>Thank you for the blessing and I will pass it on today.</p>
<p>ops, I am sorry for your loss. I know the feeling of the wrong person is gone, really seriously know it. Get help to deal with it. Caregiver burnout is real and hard. Get Help to prevent burn out just like getting preventative flu shots keeps you from getting sick. It is needed.
You are not alone in what you are feeling right now and I don’t think feeling it is wrong. There may be better or worse ways to DEAL with the feeling, but the feeling is understandable by people walking your path.</p>
<p>lookingforward, you can let go of that outcome if you don’t feel that she has dementia. My mom is actually nicer with dementia, but I am gradually gradually letting go of some outcomes. I can only do what I can do now. Yes, I could do more perhaps, but I am getting stronger about not accepting guilt for what I don’t do. </p>
<p>Twisting in the wind a little for how the next step needs to go as Mom goes down another notch. H is very grumpy about another week out of my life for leaving him alone to go tend her and her stuff (lawyer stuff, selling liability stuff, stuff that I hate).</p>