<p>ops, I’m glad you said it, because it’s how you feel and you really needed to say it. I’m sorry for your loss.</p>
<p>I haven’t had the feeling that the wrong person is gone, but I have had (actually, do have, right this minute) the feeling that my father has lived too long. He’s an emotional drain on our entire family, not to mention a big energy and time drain on me. There is no future for him except more and more and more medical care. Honestly, I wish the good Lord would take him, sooner rather than later. </p>
<p>BTW, my much-loved SIL is undergoing chemo right now. If we lose her and Dad lives on, I will feel exactly as you do.</p>
<p>Hugs. esobay is right, there is support out there for you. Get plugged in. Take care.</p>
<p>I’m sorry ops. I would feel the same way you do. Take some time off to spend with your daughter as well. She needs you too - and she’ll be around a lot longer. (And you need her - probably even more.)</p>
<p>And I second that dementia can change their personality. My fil was an absolutely mean, horrible person that you would never feel any concern for. Now he is like a sweet little child. The difference is huge. We used to see the meanness every now and then but lately all that’s left is a little boy.</p>
<p>Ops, in my family, we all felt some anger that lasted a surprisingly long time when the nice Grandpa died and the cranky Grandpa lived on. It is a bizarre visceral feeling of frustration as you try to make sense of a person you love having died.</p>
<p>Ops- sometimes it is all too much. Very sorry for the loss of your friend and your daily burdens. Stinks that the times we most need the perspective gained by stepping outside the crises, are the same times that we can’t come up for air and find it. Please forgive the cliche and know I get where your family is at: take care of each other, even as you try to do right by the extended family. </p>
<p>I think of so many on this thread and wish them health, rest and a bit of fun. Grab it when and where you can. Re-charging is critical for all and eventually, sometimes something has to wait.</p>
<p>Wow ops, I’m sorry about your friend, it sounds like you have a lot of burdens and you are not able to have a social life. Is there a way you can take some time off for a long weekend? </p>
<p>Lookingforward: It doesn’t sound like your mom is really serious. Is she? Or is it just a way to rant at you and make you feel bad?</p>
<p>I have good news today. As many of you remember, both of my parents have early dementia and moved here. It didn’t take much convincing for my mom’s new doctor to take her off her very high doses of 2 cholesterol meds (I asked her previous one to try a trial and take her off and she responded by adding another cholesterol med). After 2-3 weeks, she is markedly better. She is interacting and much more engaged socially, just like my old Mom!</p>
<p>Ops so sorry for how you are feeling but I understand exactly. When my mom died almost 18 years ago my older brother said “God pushed the wrong button”. And the last year of my dad’s life was tremendously difficult as I had to take care of someone who was mean and abusive to me, my mom and my siblings all of our lives. It is ok to feel what you feel. I personally felt very guilty about feeling like I did, but have tried to tell myself that I did the best I could.</p>
<p>Thanks to everyone for the support. The kids give me strength, both boys called from college as bad news travels fast in that electronic world.
I could go on quite a bit about my parents and fil but I’d just be repeating so much of what I’ve read from others. I was going to say that my wife is on auto pilot with her Dad and it’s no good and I just realized my actions are no different with my parents. I don’t see really much we can do to change things for now and I know it doesn’t get better. Just keep plugging along and nice to know there are those that understand. Thanks</p>
<p>Ops we had similar in my world; my folks died pretty much of old age and while it was sad and difficult and deeply moving, it was my friend who was dx’d at 59 with esophageal cancer and died three months later that filled me with rage. Anger so big it was hard to know what to do with it. Hugs to you.</p>
<p>Not sleeping is not good.
I am on the last day of court for moms creepy handy man and his free rent buddy. I am suing for a year of unpaid rent, he is counter suing for uninhabitable living conditions. Renters laws is subject for another thread and rant.
Also this first day of the estate sale for mom and grandmas stuff…end of a life. And spending too much time with mom just irritates me when she does stubborn things, like take suggestions. When I got here she was more confused and acted very sweet… Now after three days so is a bit more her bossy self, but in a steaks. One minute bossy, one minute clingy and one minute confused. Asked yesterday about aunt who had been dead 10years. How is aunt Mary. Dead… Than I second guess telling her that. Then I second guess in my heart only the estate sale. My head knows it must be done and I have the best person doing it. I need to stop mentioning it to mom so she forgets about it though. I am really hoping none of her friends talk to her about how evil I am to sell the stuff. It is just stuff, that stuff is her memories and grandmas and mine and…sad and hard.
Not sleeping for three days is hard too! After court, lunesta or whatever OTC sleep aid I can get my hands on will be on the agenda.</p>
<p>So sorry, esobay. I was having a lot of insomnia over the summer. A tea that can be helpful is Linden Flower tea. I also used Advil PM on occasion and it did help to break the cycle. Hope things are going to go uphill for you soon.</p>
<p>Esobay- you have been through the mill. I hope that the court issue is resolved ASAP. It is remarkable that caregivers cope at all during times like these. You Mom is lucky to have you.</p>
<p>Thanks travel and all.
One can sympathize but until we have walked in these shoes it is unbelievable how hard this is.
Venting to people who get it is a major boon.
Getting acknowledgement from people on a similar path is a boost. Good to not be alone.</p>
<p>I have my brother who is a help, not a hindrance, so I am luckier than some. It took him a while to get it, but now we are on the same page with moms care. He wasn’t in court though.</p>
<p>I am not moms caregiver though! I take care of her affairs, but she lives in assisted living. If she lived with me, one of us would not live long and I’d be divorced. I don’t know how those of you who take difficult people into their home do it. I know some people at the end say it was worth it, but I know in my case there is nothing that would be worth it for me. </p>
<p>I don’t even know how the paid caregivers here in the al place do it all day and mostly they are SO nice and so patient. Guess they don’t have baggage or expectations or “ownership” of the problems. And mom is nicer to them without the instinctive guilt trips manipulations,etc…</p>
<p>My cousin and her friend talked to me last night about the friend’ s mom… Last summer was when her mom no longer knew her… This summer the mom doesn’t know who she herself is. why does ANYONE have to live through that? Made me really scared for the future. And I have an idea of it going that way because we watched mt grandma do that. Mom took care of her and she died at home, not able to speak or dress. It was hard to go and have her not recognize me, but I was away at college and a away at life. Now though, i want to share with mom how good she was to live through that. However if I bring it up…she is wondering aloud why she is not getting the same treatment…yeah, partly because you are a more difficult person than grandma to start with, partly because you were already divorced and I don’t accept the guilt trip…still feel its sting though.</p>
<p>Found out over the weekend that fil was hospitalized. Not sure if mil was ever planning on telling us - H called her to check up on her even though the last time she hung up on him. I don’t know how to proceed. She is openly hostile to H, has put fil in a “home” as she calls it, was going to sell the house but now says she isn’t. I work all the time just to keep us afloat. Do I need to take time off once a week so we can have her crankiness over for dinner and not only pay for dinner, get insulted, but lose income as well? We are thinking maybe we’ll try once a month and see what happens. I guess that would be once in Oct - then she’s already invited for Thx and Christmas - do we need to have her over for “regular” dinners during those months as well? We are also making an attempt to visit fil once a week - although that may end up being once every other week at this rate. We’re busier than we were when we had kids in the home only now everyone assumes we sit around eating bon-bons all the time. Why does life get so hard? - for all of us? And don’t even ask about sil - she’s mad at us too and won’t even say why. I wish I knew what everyone was so mad about all the time.</p>
<p>PO- you don’t have to have her for anything. Perhaps bringing a light meal to visit her once in a while when you are visiting anyway. What I have learned about successfully dealing with toxic relationships is that you have to do it on your terms, do what works for you, when it works for you and don’t hurt yourself to do it- don’t lose income. And, critical to your sanity, don’t think that anything you do will make any difference to the situation, don’t hope for change/acceptance/etc., just acknowledge the person is who they are, they will not likely change, do the “right” thing, but do it on your terms so you don’t resent it all.</p>
<p>PO, somemom gave you excellent advice. I know that DH and I often divide our parents up. There is no way he can visit with my parents every time I do nor can I visit with his dad every time he does. Can your H take over some of the responsibilities you feel with his parents?</p>
<p>We team tackle DH’s parents, their emotional issues caused a fair amount of damage to DH, they love him in their own way, but they are so self-involved, so stunted, that they don’t have the capacity for unconditional love. Sad to say, but after 30+ years I have got them fairly well analyzed and can usually avoid them punching anyone’s buttons, though they still get me now & again.</p>
<p>I take them for DH because they cannot hurt me the way they can him. My DH is a wonder with my mother :D</p>