<p>somemom- I had a friend from grad school who wanted to exchange mothers with his friend. he figured they could not push any buttons on the other guy- not sure if his friend ever took him up on it</p>
<p>Somemom - your in-laws sound like mine. The only problem is that after 31 years of marriage they still do not accept me or think of me as family. I dropped by their house ONE time without H and they literally did not know what to think of it. I’m trying to find a way to have some sort of one-on-one with mil - she is so awful to H that I think it would actually help everyone if it was more me and her and leave H out of it but so far she isn’t very open to that. She just wants H to be at her beck and call - not me. We’ll see what happens in the coming months with holidays and whatnot. And fil seems to be in the end stages of his life so I’m not certain what will come next. I have a horrible feeling that he could pass and she wouldn’t even tell us. That could happen.</p>
<p>Oh dear Lord, PhotoOp. I’m sitting here trying to think of something to say that will help, but I can’t. Except maybe this – There’s nothing you can do that will ever change her, so you have to work on yourself. Decide in your own mind what you can do for her, and draw that bright line for yourself. Even build some emotional walls so that she can’t hurt you so much. It may seem harsh, but it’s a matter of survival.</p>
<p>Does your DH have siblings who can at least keep you guys informed about what’s going on with your FIL?</p>
<p>On a different subject (or maybe related somehow), I wanted to share with you guys something that my brother said (the wonderful, supportive, “gem” brother). Dad is having a crisis which has stretched out for 2 months now, and I’m struggling to keep my equilibrium. The other night, Bro said to me, “I’m not so worried about Dad. I know that he’s going to die soon. Whether he gets this or that treatment, whether he falls and hits his head, or has kidney failure, or a heart attack, he’s going to die soon. No matter how much you wear yourself out, it’s not going to make much difference. But wearing yourself out hurts YOU a lot. So if you find yourself having a breakdown about everything you do for him, then you have to step back.” I almost wept with gratitude and relief. I guess I needed that permission, and getting it was like water in the parched desert. </p>
<p>Boundaries. With these elderly ailing crazy parents, I’ve found out the hard way how important boundaries are. If you let them, they will eat you alive, without knowing or in some cases, even caring. They won’t tell you where the boundaries are either. You have to decide that for yourself, and stick to it no matter how much they fuss. </p>
<p>Everyone, take care of yourselves.</p>
<p>LasMa- between you and your brother, you have hit the nail on the head. So hard to see this when you can’t get past the current crisis, but it is critical.</p>
<p>Whatever is in place has to work for all parties. Here’s to the strength required to take a fresh look at things, even before we are completely erased.</p>
<p>Thanks LasMa, and thanks to your brother for his wise words. I really needed that today, as boundaries have certainly been fuzzy these past few weeks during my mom’s recent crisis. Good luck to all as we navigate these difficult situations.</p>
<p>Thanks for the reminder LasMas/brother! </p>
<p>PO - I might be totally wrong in my assessment. But from what you are saying, it seems to me that MIL might be craving some one-to-one time with your husband. I know you want to protect him, but I have found through the years that you can’t continue to run interference in a toxic relationship. Eventually H will have to learn how to deal with his mother. I suspect the more involved you are, the more she will resent you and put more demands on your husband.</p>
<p>LasMa, you have a smart brother. Thanks for sharing that. </p>
<p>My H keeps pounding boundaries to me. Sometimes it feels harsh, but mostly it is a good piece of advice.</p>
<p>Grandma’s home that Mom moved in and kept intact has been mostly cleaned out. The estate sale was last weekend. There is still a lot of stuff there, much of which can be donated. It isn’t even sad to me now because the whole mess was just so overwhelming.
Got enough $$ to pay taxes and end of the year bills. Got pictures for the memories. A few things that didn’t sell, were things the family should keep anyway actually, except for clothes and sewing stuff that can be donated. YAY. ( and cry both).</p>
<p>I broke down and got a therapy appointment. Need to get objective advice a bit I think.</p>
<p>Glad the sale is behind you Eso. One step closer to closing that chapter. The appointment sounds like a wise move. Hope you find it helpful.
LasMa- great brother. Wise words.</p>
<p>LasMa - Your brother is amazing.</p>
<p>Mom’s stroke induced dementia waxes and wanes, it seems. At a restaurant this week, she had a roll and butter (among other things). She put her spoon in her coffee, got some out poured it on top of the butter. Then she dumped the whole thing on her roll. I hardly ever see the “real” her anymore.</p>
<p>And my Dad sometimes wets his pants, when he can’t make it to the bathroom in time. I understand this. What I don’t understand is why he doesn’t wash up and change his clothes. He just walks out into the living room, knowing that he had an accident, knowing that I will say something, etc. Gr…</p>
<p>Long distance caretaking is very difficult. My elderly friend was scheduled for cataract surgery this morning. I emailed the assisted living facility 2 days ago to let them know that she was not to eat for 12 hours prior to the surgery, and I also told this to my friend. Her caregiver from a third-party company arrived to pick my friend up after she’d already eaten breakfast. The doctor wouldn’t do the surgery. I’ve been trying to get her in for this surgery for the past 4 months and thought today would finally be the day. </p>
<p>So frustrating.</p>
<p>I’d already scheduled the 2nd eye surgery for later this month, so they’ll do the first one then.</p>
<p>My friend is in a dementia unit but in my view (and hers) she doesn’t belong there. She wants to move back to the regular assisted living apartments. The administrator has so far refused to have her re-evaluated by saying we should wait until after the surgery. I’m going to press for a re-evaluation now.</p>
<p>For anyone who needs it, you can google about narcissistic elderly parents. It helps to see this particular struggle laid out for some of us. There are some questions that help make it clear if that’s what you’re dealing with. And some ideas about how and why we have trouble letting go of the cycle we find ourselves in- and have for a long time.</p>
<p>My brother did me a favor. I may have said here that my mother has been refusing to return my calls, all summer. This recently relates to a loss (my family’s, but affecting her, too. I don’t want to detail it, but she made it clear that her suffering trumps ours and that we are wrong not to cater to her- and on her terms, which were already tough. And that, because I am so wretched, she’s going to move out of state.) I called him to ask about what we do, whether we need to have her assessed, whether I need to push to some resolution, make that peace (though it is not peace.)</p>
<p>He said, stay out of it. That she does seem competent and able to manage, that we have to remember she has always wanted what “she” wanted and others better fall into step. He said he would keep up the contact (she speaks to him) and alert me if my help is needed, in a crisis. He’s on the other coast and I’m 2 miles from her. I’m grappling with hanging back, not continuing to call her. But I needed this permission. </p>
<p>As good people (or trying to be as good and strong as we can,) we want to know we do what we think is right, as best we can. Sometimes, it’s futile. I’m embarrassed to be one on this thread who has to back off. Continued blessings to all of you.</p>
<p>Lookingforward- I appreciate your thoughts and it doesn’t sound like the embarrassment is yours to have. I have often said that you can’t be in a relationship for 2 (whether it’s marriage, friendship, parent-child). Stepping back is sometimes what allows things to move forward. That said, there is also power in acknowledging the futility of efforts towards what cannot be changed. At times, we are all just playing the hand we are dealt, the best way we know how. I hope you can tend your own needs and those of your immediate family through what sounds like a very challenging time. Perhaps this is a gift in disguise. Best to you all.</p>
<p>Lookingforward, you are not the only one. My mother is narcisstic and is 86 years old. I have talked about her before on here. My health is going downhill and my mother is now trying to say that I am “making it up” so I won’t take her to her doctor’s appointments and get her groceries and running errands. I have been trying for years to tell her I can’t do all the lifting and running she wants done. I have just spent 3 months walking with a walker because my knees can’t take it anymore. My mother is now thinking I am making this up. She has lists of people who can help her and I am bowing out. She has been in and out of hospitals for 12 years and I have helped her all those years. She should be in at least assisted living but she keeps saying that she doesn’t need it so she can now take care of herself. The hospital said she is pretty much thinking straight. So my brother and I have decided she can take care of stuff herself or find help. She has pretty much bad-mouthed me to everyone so it really doesn’t matter anymore. I told her I am not her assisted living.</p>
<p>I like that, shyanne – “I am not your assisted living.” Good for you. They sure know how to push our buttons, though, don’t they? Like your mom thinking that you fabricated your own health problems. It hurts when they just don’t seem to even care about us, their own children.</p>
<p>Speaking of health problems, I’ve been having migraines the last 6 months for the first time in my life. I went in for my annual physical yesterday and my doctor told me I need to reduce my stress. She said it with a half-smile, because she’s also my parents’ primary doctor, and she knows how difficult they are. But I now have another tool when I’m expected to do more than I can do: “Doctor’s orders!” :)</p>
<p>Pondering what my brother said about stepping back, I’ve made a small decision about my dad. It has to do with accompanying him on his frequent trips to the ER, which usually occur at 1 a.m. and are basically 8-10 hours of uncomfortable frustrating waiting, after which they almost always admit him. ER is one of the most stressful things I go through with him, but I’ve always figured it’s essential for me to be there because he can’t tell them what’s going on, or certainly remember anything they tell him. </p>
<p>But it dawned on me that the hospital by now has a mountain of information on him, and they have my phone number if they need to talk to me. If I want information, I can call them. If my physical presence is needed, I’m five minutes away. I don’t HAVE to be there for every single minute of every single ER visit.</p>
<p>So stepping back in this case means asking the right question. NOT “Can I give them information they can’t get from him?” But “Is there any information I can give them which will make a difference in the treatment or outcome?” I think the answer to that is very often going to be No. And if it is, my being there doesn’t help him, and it harms me. New boundary!</p>
<p>Great thought process, LasMa. I always feel like I need to be there for ER runs also, but you are right. The hospital is prepared to carry on and assess what they see, so much the better if they have prior records. Also, if one is health care proxy or family contact, I wonder if a note could be put in the chart for them to call you for further information or alert you to his situation. Perhaps that would get lost in the shuffle or not even be what you want, though it could be peace of mind. </p>
<p>In all of these medical situations, I find it helpful to be clear about what my expectations are and I love your question: “Is there any information I can give them which will make a difference in the treatment or outcome?” I am at the point with my almost 90 year old father (with no memory, but a content life in a quality skilled nursing facility) where the goal of any medical contact is solely to provide comfort. Very clarifying to see everything through that lens and nice not to be chasing down the little stuff. Since there is very little that would be rational to do, it is not worth the exertion for him to shuffle to specialists. As I knew my parents’ wishes for these circumstances, the entire process is very “clean” for me. </p>
<p>Additionally, tending oneself and the immediate family is where the differences can be made. I have had migraines much of my adult life; the peak did overlap with increased elder needs, though that was not the primary cause. Self-care matters. I wish you the best with all of it. </p>
<p>It is helpful to read how others draw these lines, because in many families, the unspoken rule is that any and all requests from the elders are followed. Interestingly, it is not always in their best interest, never mind ours, to heed their demands. </p>
<p>Best to everyone.</p>
<p>It seems like my mother always waits until 10 p.m. or later to say she needs to go to the ER. She wants me to stay with her but once they start getting her in a cubicle and talking to her there is nothing else for me to do. I don’t even know what medicine she takes so I go home. She really doesn’t like that but she accepts me leaving now.</p>
<p>She go to the hospital 2 to 4 times a year so they do have good records on her now.</p>
<p>That’s a good start LasMa! </p>
<p>shyanne - Are these necessary ER visits? I think travelnut makes a good case that not every request needs to be followed.</p>
<p>Yes, they are necessary ER visits. They usually keep her for 3 to 7 days each time. She sees doctors several times a month also. She has been in physical rehab numerous times over the last 12 years. The last time was for shingles. She waited days before calling me so she was doing bad.</p>
<p>Oh, oh. Now my memory is failing!!! The last time my mother was in the hospital it was for congestive heart failure. She still gets better for a while after each hospital stay and then something else comes up.</p>
<p>Does anyone else have relatives showing up now your parents are older and just don’t seem to want to go away? There are some that seem to be hovering around and I think they are waiting to see if they can get something of my mother’s. My mother doesn’t have much so it seems kind of silly.</p>