Parents caring for the parent support thread (Part 2)

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We are lucky in that my brother and sister live so close to my mom.

My brother works from her home M-F so he has eyes on her, but he’s chained to his desk when not on breaks so he’s been there working when two of the alarms went off.

My sister works part time and lives about 10 mins from my mom. My divorced sister lives with her adult son, who is on the autism spectrum but highly functioning. The plan is for her to spend the nights at my mom’s house. As we did for my dad when he was in decline, I will go up there for several days once a month to spell my sister.

One thing I told my sister last night is that with her there maybe she can get my mother to more faithfully take her meds. I have tried talking to my brother and sister about this before, but no on on-site wants to take charge of this – actually putting the pills in the dispensers and then ensuring she takes them. I KNOW this isn’t happening on the regular. This is one of those cases where I wish I wasn’t the one who lives farther away. I am more willing to be the enforcer.

My sister can be rough with my mom, verbally, I mean. I wish she was a little more tender with her, but I can only control what I can control.

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That is hard. You can only do so much from afar but yet see so much more that can be done for her and with grace. :heart:. Putting the pills in a daily pill box - if she will most days take them - is such an easy one.

I hate to say it but while I think 98% of the time I was a “nice” daughter there were some times I know I would be short or impatient or annoyed with my mom. That is one thing though it really didn’t happen often, that I regret now that she is gone. Someone being that way with me would crush me.

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Why do you think that neither your brother nor your sister wants to be the medication manager for your mother?

If your mother can already be rough verbally with your mom, maybe it’s not such a good idea for her to start spending overnights with her.

Could it be that it’s time to look for outside help for your mother, or even possibly a facility?

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I have no idea about the medicine. I have mentioned it many times. And my brother is there five days a week so it would be easy to have her take her meds before he starts work and then monitor her taking the noontime pill while at lunch. My sister always acts put out and like she doesn’t have time. It’s frustrating.

We will never put our mom in a facility. We made her that promise in relation to my dad, and it holds for her, too. It’s a family thing. Any advice in that direction will be disregarded as it’s simply not happening, whether I want it to or not. She is not at the point, we don’t think, where she needs actual live-in or visiting help. She can do all the tasks of daily living, and is in great physical shape – rakes leaves, does all her own housework – but she is tiring more easily, which is why she lies down to rest." Never admits that she falls asleep. My sister and I took over her finances years ago. I’ll report back on what happens when my sister tells my mom about moving in.

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There are pharmacy services that prepackage pills for daily use. Would something like that make it easier for your siblings?

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I came across this site while looking for something… no personal endorsement for the site or any products sold here. I recalled they had stove shutoff products that were discussed above so decided to post the link:

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I found being responsible for my dad’s meds surprisingly difficult-- to remember to fill the boxes but also when to get refills of the 6 different medications he was on. I was really happy when hospice took that over.

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My FIL would only allow my SIL to do his pill case. He had LOTS of pills, taken at various times of the day. She lived 3 hours away, and she would come every other weekend to do his pills; it was quite a production. H & I lived 13.5 hours away and visited every 3-4 weeks for 5 days at a time. His dad refused to allow H to do his pills. Apparently, only SIL was able to do it properly. It was unfair to his sister & unfair to my H, who wanted to help. They finally got FIL to allow the AL staff to do his pills, but he had a very difficult time relinquishing control. I think he viewed it as one of the few things over which he had control.

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DH solved this issue for a relative. He simply flipped the breaker that controlled the stove (it was electric so easy to do). The stovetop was then set up as a counter area using a nice big cutting board. It has worked out well. Elderly parent does all “cooking” in a microwave. She also has an electric tea pot to heat hot water for tea, etc. The micro and tea pot turn themselves off! Oh…and the micro…the only buttons still accessible (others have been hidden) are they numbers 1-5 which auto set for 1-5 minutes on’y.

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My bff tried those for her mom. Seemed like the perfect solution, until she went to visit a couple of months after they started and found random pills all over the place. She might spill some while opening the packaging or knock them off the counter while getting her water and out of sight out of mind. Or she forgets the whole pack entirely. I can see my mom doing the same thing. To me, people are at her house almost every day – how difficult is it to just make sure she takes her meds? But, again, I’m not there so don’t feel like I can enforce my will. The best thing I did was get her one of those expanded pill boxes with a.m., p.m., noon and nighttime. She puts pills in all the boxes, but when I am there and check up on it, there are pills in boxes that she should have taken earlier in the week. :grimacing:

I’m sorry if I came across bluntly about the idea of a facility. It’s just that I know it’s a non-negotiable. Thanks for the understanding.

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The cooking thing is a whole other can of worms. She’s really pretty compliant, and if we told her not to cook she likely wouldn’t. Because my brother is there every day, she makes lunch for him. I told him yesterday that he needs to start packing a lunch.

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Every situation is different. If your family is opposed to a facility, then the focus needs to be on how to handle things so that a facility is not needed.

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Our 4 cousins (2 daughters, 2 sons) who all lived near their mom made it work when their mom developed severe dementia (but she was docile, compliant, and mobile). Years earlier she had a triple bypass where there was a longer time with brain lack of oxygen, and she had some decline from that. They were a very tight family ‘unit’ as their dad had been a mean alcoholic (they finally divorced) and their mom had to develop a career (secretary then paralegal). 3 took turns having mom the weekends, Fri night - Monday am. Mon am - Friday pm, mom stayed with one daughter (her husband had a home based business), and then each of the 4 nights the siblings each took overnight duty.

Lots of good ideas on the medications. Ideal to have someone watch the parent taking their medication. The variety of pill boxes to meet the specific need.

Hopefully the family is keeping track of what she can and cannot do, and also keeping PCP appraised.

Tough to be far enough away to not be able to be physically involved as one would like.

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i didn’t mean to direct the facility comment at you. I tacked it on to the ending of the pill packaging without thinking about it.

Mom took the news well. I think she’ll be a little relieved, truthfully, to have my sister there. She’ll be 91 this spring and has lived longer than any of her sisters, though she’s had a couple of brothers make it in their mid-90s. For the past several months she’s been talking about her age more.

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I didn’t take offense.

I definitely understand how frustrating the situation is, and I’m respectful of the different choices that families make. We all have to do what is best for our family, so not all suggestions will work for every situation. It’s tough no matter what - the tough parts are different for each of us.

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I’m so sorry for all of you going through this difficult phase of life with ill and declining parents.

After caring for my mom for many years in my home, she’s in a nursing home now. (Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia.) After her hospitalization and loss of mobility in October, I could not physically do it alone any more.

The various phases she (we) went through were first emotionally exhausting and then, in addition, physically exhausting.

My mom was independent but forgetful in the beginning. She was also very stubborn and combative. She’d refuse to take her meds. I would try over and over, hoping a gap in time would allow her to forget that she was refusing to take them that day. Some days that worked. Later, I had to crush and mix them in applesauce or yogurt and hope she’d eat.

The progression was often so slow that I didn’t always recognize the extent of her declines. The oven, stovetop, microwave, toaster - all became unsafe for her to use without constant supervision. Even then, she would argue that she knew what she was doing when she clearly did not.

Once she became incontinent and weaker, she needed 100% assistance with everything. That lasted for five years.

Now her doctor is recommending hospice. I feel guilty and sad for the times I was frustrated with my mom. Even when you know the person can’t help their behaviors and words, you still occasionally forget and think of them as the parent you once had years ago and you respond to that no longer present person.

I had planned to keep her with me until the end. Now, I wish I’d placed her sooner. I barely had a chance to be her daughter again, and now she’s already withdrawing, refusing to eat, and developing frequent skin breakdowns.

I’m fortunate that my siblings didn’t question my decisions, but I sure could have used some assistance and relief over the years.

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You did so much for your mom - above and beyond. Sometimes it never feels enough for those we love so much. I’m sure she had a better quality and perhaps longer life because of your loving care. :heart:

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@psychmomma I have always admired you- and appreciated your wise advice. I think your post is brave and helpful for @Youdon_tsay. I don’t want to cross boundaries set by @Youdon_tsay here but there does come a time, if our parents live long enough and the dementia worsens enough, that placement really can be needed. I will only say that the advice I got was to place my mother earlier rather than later, so she would be able to establish routines and make connections while still able. Your mother is not anywhere near that point but it still might be good to keep in mind for the future.

I have been part of several support groups, including those sponsored by facilities, my local senior center and a national lecturer. Many participants were adamant about not placing their parent but found that once they had to, the parent often was happy as well as safe. I liked what psychmomma said about being a daughter again.

This all may still not be relevant, but fire hazards occur with microwaves and hot plates too, and I know from personal experience that missing pills can sometimes have dire consequences. I know you are dealing with this as best you can in difficult circumstances. Clearly you are all working hard to keep your mom at home as she wishes, but for her sake and yours flexibility may be needed in years to come.

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My friend and her siblings had to put her father in a facility, against her mother’s wishes. He got so combative that he was hurting her. She wanted to take care of him to the end, but it became unsafe. They had to find a place that had trained staff to handle him. Her mom was able to visit him as much as she wanted, and she spent all her time with him - but she was physically safe. That taught me that we need to be ready for any possibility.

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Lots of people say their parent(s) will never go to a facility. Never say never is my saying.

Why does your sister have to stay overnight? Is your mother getting up during the night now? If so, and your sister has interrupted sleep, then how will she do at her part-time job and the rest of her life? And if your brother was working during two of the fire alarm incidents, then your mother might need closer supervision during the day.

Also, since your sister is being a bit rough verbally with your mother, that’s a sign that she’s reached her limit. And now she will be staying over every night?

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