@Seabass927 You’ve received very good advice from everyone here. I’ll second some of it - contact your area agency on aging for local resources, read The 36-Hour Day. Also, watch Teepa Snow videos to learn more about interacting with someone with memory issues. I’ve found great support in this thread, as well as in Facebook groups for dementia caregivers.
I’ve been taking care of my mom in my home for 7 years as her dementia has progressed - dramatically after a hospitalization 4 years ago - and it isn’t for the faint of heart. Even when our loved ones are in a facility, there is still a lot of time and effort and persistence required to make sure they are receiving the best care for their situation. Stay strong with your dad and don’t second guess your decisions about future care. We are never ready for our loved ones to go, but it’s especially hard if we feel we are making the decisions that permanently put them on that path. Take care of yourself - very important, and easier said than done.
@Seabass927 I love that thought ‘block and tackle’ - wonderful way to put it! So glad you have a supportive spouse.
DH’s time was ‘intense’ with his mom’s care, and now she is in the right place for her care. It was great that all siblings agreed, and all came to see their dad before he died, and also were there to see mom before she went into skilled care. Mom saw all the grandchildren recently and the great-grandchildren.
Not a parent, but my dear 60 year old friend is declining rapidly with Alzheimer’s. Yesterday I took her for a ride and she didn’t know what I meant when I sad she needed to put her seatbelt on. She reached for the door handle and asked if that was it. church friends have been taking turns staying with her while her husband is at work or skiing (yesterday was his 27th day skiing this season) It’s getting to be too much. Their daughter has a toddler and is expecting twins so she will be unable to help much soon. I am talking to a mutual friend on Monday. We have to convince the husband he needs professional assistance. It will not be a financial burden for them. He is just still in denial. He said he doesn’t like her doctor because he was “negative” and suggested she would soon need constant supervision. Ugh.
I hope your friend’s husband will come to terms with hiring help. My dad relied on family and friends for way to long. Wasn’t until we set some hard boundaries about how much we could be there that he finally agreed to hire. It’s heartbreaking watching the decline.
PS. Make sure that you have a car where the door can’t be opened when it’s in motion, or have your friend sit in the back with the child lock doors engaged. Asked me how I know
Ugh, sometimes you have to laugh so you don’t cry. My stepmother once said to me: “You’re so good to us, Oldmom! Could you remind me how we know you?”
They had been married for 22 years and I had been at their house at least twice a week for years. When I said that [dad’s first name] is my daddy, she said, “No! He can’t be your daddy! He’s my daddy!”
The phone thing is common I think. My father sometimes isn’t able to answer a phone. He is in the hospital right now and all he has to do is pick up the receiver, but instead he presses buttons and disconnects the call. He has also called me to tell me he can’t use the phone in his assisted living (landline not cell).
@mainelonghorn it depends on what it will take to keep your 60 YO friend ‘safe’. She needs someone to be with her 24/7 for sure at this point. W/O knowing the family dynamics - perhaps between the daughter and the rest of family/his friends can guide him to becoming educated about Alzheimer/Dementia. The recommended book on this thread.
People younger than 60 sadly can have quite abrupt and startling dementia.
Ugh, I kind of discovered that yesterday. We had driven a few yards when the car started beeping at me because the passenger’s door was ajar. It’s hard to get in the mindset of watching a friend carefully all the time. It must be exhausting for her husband. I have to say, the patience he exhibits with her is touching. He is not a patient kind of guy in general.
I feel badly for him because he has scrimped and saved his whole life in order to have a good nest egg for retirement. He and my friend hardly ever took vacations or did much of anything. TBH, I’m kind of glad DH wasn’t so savings-minded - we’ve had a lot of good memories already.
Hang in to all those dealing with parents and their mental/physical decline!
Been through it. The main thing (I guess?) I learned is that sometimes no matter if the person can’t remember things (or how to do them) - they still can detect feelings. At least that was my dad’s case. I learned to keep a jovial, fun-loving attitude with him (that was his vibe) and he was so happy (vs. sharing all the worry and concern and anxiety I was feeling). Gave us some good moments. Good luck to you.
I have been lurking to see what’s going on. It’s not my parents, Mom passed from covid related causes last summer and Dad and ILs a long time ago, but this is about my 91 yr old aunt. She was never married and has no children. She is my Father’s sister and I am the oldest and closest to her. She is at end stage COPD and is still a chain smoker but has been hanging in there beyond expectations until recently. She lives in MI and we’re in Virginia. Because of Covid I can’t go to check on her in person.
I don’t know when and how to intervene. She adamantly refuses to go to a hospital or assisted living. Her doctor agrees not to run tests if she won’t take the actions that would be required from the results or if the results would make no difference. So I think she has now had some minor strokes, has trouble communicating as a result, can get confused and has fallen. Things hurt but she won’t go for X-ray. We finally got her to accept a wheeled walker. Her oxygen cord is long and gets tangled. She will not discuss what she wants when she can no longer get around. She has a couple hours of help a day thru Home Instead. I do have access to her financials and power of attorney. So that kind of summarizes it.
She has had sump pump issues that now she wants me to solve, from here. I have researched the local laws and will try calling the plumber but it is hard from a distance. I am finally scheduled for the vaccine in a couple of weeks so I can go out there in May but not sure what I will do when I am there. She tends to rally and push me off when I am there.
Not sure there is any advice. Just venting I guess.
We are going to be in the same boat with my H’s aunts. Both never married and have no children, refuse to talk about their wishes, and don’t have the finances to hire when they’ll need it. My H and his sister are already super worried as no one lives near them (multiple states away).
No advice but just wanted to tell you my heart goes out to you.
Singersmom - that’s hard but so caring of you to stay involved with your aunt!
I found having a great relationship with a trusted homecare company/workers was invaluable - they would give me daily update on my parents - what they did with them, and how they were doing.
Not sure if something like this might be possible - if the home care people could be your ‘eyes and ears’ with your aunt and convey issues to you? Requires a lot of competency on the part of the homecare folks - we went through numerous aides until we found an amazing company run by a former aide.
@Seabass927 , I am so sorry you are going through this. Your situation sounds much worse than mine, and I realize that I need to keep perspective as my family anticipates my father’s eventual death.
I want to thank you for posting. You have helped me more than you know because I know things could be worse. I am currently out of state, helping to care for my terminally ill father. I have my other three siblings here, for at least this week.
I am so horribly stressed and sad. I feel that things are terrible, but I am at least thankful that my dad isn’t in pain, for now. I am taking a few days’ break while my sib looks after him. I am filled with dread at the thought of what’s to come, but moreso at the thought of having to go back and see my dad in worse condition.
And then I feel horribly guilty, like I am a wimp, and not doing my share because I will have to go home in another ten days. I’m fretting about if I should extend my trip, because what if I leave and he dies the next day? Or if I was a good daughter, I would just stay here until he does die. The other day, I cried for hours. And then I’m irrationally annoyed with all of my siblings and my parents. All these horrible conflicting emotions.
If anyone has tips about how to cope with dreading watching my dad get worse each day, can you please share them?
Ugh, I’m so sorry. I went through this exactly a year ago. It was February 27, 2020 when we called all the grandkids so they could tell my dad goodbye. And yes, I was very irritated at my sister. We had a big blowout, and that is VERY rare since I avoid confrontations. I went back and forth between Texas and Maine multiple times in a few months. I never knew if he would be alive when I returned. Then he made a remarkable recovery and is out of hospice. I’m glad, of course, but the thought of going through that again is rough. I don’t really have any advice. It’s just very, very hard so be kind to yourself. The emotions you describe line up exactly with how I felt.
church friends have been taking turns staying with her while her husband is at work or skiing (yesterday was his 27th day skiing this season) It’s getting to be too much. Their daughter has a toddler and is expecting twins so she will be unable to help much soon. I am talking to a mutual friend on Monday. We have to convince the husband he needs professional assistance. It will not be a financial burden for them. He is just still in denial. He said he doesn’t like her doctor because he was “negative” and suggested she would soon need constant supervision. Ugh.
I agree, finding moments of humor breaks up the sadness!