Does she use a walker? My parents and in laws all put off using walkers as long as possible … but eventually, there was no getting around the fact that they needed them.
1 Like
She has a cane (the kind with four feet) that she uses when the weather is bad. Mostly she holds on to someone when going places, or leans on a shopping cart. She is really young (only 71!) and she doesn’t even have gray hair, so she hates the thought of using a walker if she can avoid it at all. She says she’d rather people think she’s tipsy than old. 
1 Like
My mom started with a cane in her early 70’s, but she had to move to a walker before her mid 70’s. She hated it - thought it made her look old - but she really did need it. My mom didn’t look old or frail. In fact, she looked pretty darn amazing. However, looks can be deceiving. I was so relieved when she decided that staying upright was too important to risk. But I do think that it was hard on her mentally.
1 Like
Some later vision loss can be a vascular thing, progressing from lack or reduced blood flow in sensitive areas.
Amazing how much can be done now with great medical care/great MDs.
Nice to have mom functioning overall better. Take what one can get.
2 Likes
My MIL’s memorial service is tomorrow. It’s going to be a hard day tomorrow. 
1 Like
@MAmomto4 I am older than your mom! Now that my mother has died, I am the old one!
@sbinaz thinking of you.
3 Likes
People with a lot of medical conditions use a cane, and I do not associate it with age - I associate it with a tool to help someone be steadier on walking. BIL at age 86 needs the cane, but he also doesn’t want to ‘look old’. Better use of the cane than a fall/injury. One can get a very stylish/fancy cane and it is a fashion statement for a woman and a distinguished gentleman feature for a man.
1 Like
Bought my dad a bright blue cane and fixed it up with “orange racing stripes” to be in his school colors. He was very happy with that!
Pointing out that falling on your face makes you look older than using a cane helps.
9 Likes
2 Likes
It’s been an ordeal.
Memorial service was last weekend. DH’s aunt & uncle who were so rude when they were here the weekend that MIL died…the ones who said that they couldn’t possibly ever come back here to AZ when it’s hot because “you know, Aunt could die from the heat, literally”…the ones who insisted and made a big deal that we tell them the date & time of the service and how to watch it online…they didn’t watch it, nor have they communicated at all to DH, me, or SIL since they left to drive back to their lair.
It’s been total radio silence from them. So we all know where we are on their priority list. I think it’s really insulting. But we’re going to believe them for who they have shown themselves to be and are no longer going to try anymore with them.
DH & I are both tired of sorting through MIL’s stuff. The court probate paperwork finally arrived, so DH is working on getting a bank account set up for the estate so he can get bills paid and all that fun stuff.
There’s a local estate sale company that is coming a month from today to pick up all of the non-broken, non-damaged items of MIL’s to sell at their consignment shop. They take 50% of what is sold and if none of it sells at the end of 3 weeks, then it all gets taken to charity donation and the estate is given a donation receipt for it.
…meanwhile, my DH is having 2nd thoughts on some of MIL’s items. He thinks that some of her dishes are valuable and wants to try to sell them on his own. Um, good luck w/that, DH.
I am totally sick and tired of taking things to a dumpster or Goodwill/Salvation Army. I am never going to stick my children with such a job like this when I die. I’m going to sort through my junk before I die, then they aren’t saddled with a mountain of stuff to deal with.
DH is feeling an intense amount of guilt over MIL going into hospice care in an assisted living facility. He talked for a long time last night w/1 of MIL’s close friends about it, who told him that MIL wasn’t feeling well for a looong time, like over a month before the hospitalization occurred. The friend said that MIL admitted to her towards the end that she knew that something was wrong, but purposely ignored the warning signs because she was tired of dealing with all of her health problems and just didn’t want to deal with any of it anymore.
My MIL fully admitted even to my DH directly to his face that she purposely chose to not sort through any of her stuff because it was “too hard” and “after all, once I’m dead, I won’t have to do it and it won’t matter anymore.”
Just last weekend alone, I took 8-9 full carloads of stuff to throw away. It’s been an incredibly large amount of work. I am so sick of dealing with all of the old lady knicknacks. SO TIRED OF ALL OF THE CLUTTER!
Please let the consignment folks take these…if they even will. Getting 50% IF they sell is really the way to go.
4 Likes
The best thing my sister and I did was to hire a woman to handle the estate sale and then discard everything that didn’t sell. I highly recommend it.
9 Likes
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE…
Take some deep breaths. You are carrying the weight of many on your shoulders.
And it sucks. Bad. You are doing a ton of work that should be spread out among many.
And again, it sucks. With little to no seeming reward.
I want you to know that what you are doing–just taking the carloads of stuff and sorting etc are important to everyone at this time whether you are getting accolades or not presently.
Family dynamics are rough and I respect that. But I also know that many of us sympathize with the position you are in, support you and respect you for doing what needs doing in a tough time.
5 Likes
My mom died at 77, and had a very neat home with some unique things and things of value. My younger brother and sister were co-executors, in large part because they lived close, and were who dad could talk through handling mom (who also was bi-polar) - dad had died 15 years earlier. Brother had manipulative ways, and he actually took jewelry which was part of what I was to receive (my two sisters, one got a high end Rolex, and one got a highly pure 1 carat diamond ring, so the rest of the jewelry didn’t amount to those to begin with, but mom specifically wanted her jewelry to go to the 3 daughters). After dad’s death, one brother got dad’s very expensive Rolex watch while the other brother got dad’s one carat diamond ring in men’s setting (older brother actually gave Rolex watch to nephew, younger brother’s son) - and I believe younger brother probably sold dad’s diamond ring - never asked and really don’t want to know much from this brother beyond pleasantries (he continues to live overseas, but has landed fairly well thanks to dual-Swiss citizenship, which is how he snuck out of the US using his Swiss passport, as US Passport had been forfeited while he was on probation). Younger brother first lived in Costa Rica, but had a hernia surgery there, and knew he needed better health care to live into old age (he is 63 now), and was able to land in a permanent job in Switzerland after a bit of time there, so when he gets too old/infirmed to work, he will benefit from their good care of the aged. As soon as he was eligible for medical care in Switzerland, he had another hernia procedure and clear up of adhesions from less than stellar surgery in Costa Rica (although he fortunately had no infection from Costa Rica surgery, just quick in and out with large mid-line incision). He just emailed me for my birthday, so I will answer back ‘news’/update. I guess next time I am in Switzerland I will see him, as he is my brother. My last trip to Switzerland was in 2016, and that was when this brother lived in Costa Rica.
Right after mom’s death, we allowed the nieces to each choose a piece of mom’s ruby jewelry (which was actually part of what I was to receive). I was recovering from aggressive cancer treatment, and in hind sight should have used a time right then (the week after mom’s death when we all were together) to have the jewelry that brother set aside ‘called out’ - he took it for his daughter (which he gave to her at least a year later) – after I was much stronger after my cancer recovery – years later, I asked niece for the pin that meant a lot to me (one of the pieces he took), and I did not get it back from the niece. So I bought a pin for myself as a replacement, and to remember my parents a bit. Years ago, I purchased a less expensive Rolex watch for myself which I wear every day, and I think fondly of my parents every day.
Younger brother had fled the country a few years after mom’s death, and is not allowed back in the US (his ID is flagged), just to gloss over his less than stellar activities. We could only pick one or two items total before the estate sale, and the rest was with auction at the estate sale - a nice spring day (outside mom’s home and in garage area) - very good family owned business to run it and a good number of people came and spent money. I actually spent over $4K at the estate sale (this is 2011, so a bit of money). The family that did the estate was excellent about how to lay out the merchandise and run the quick auctioning - I know they were shocked that I had to buy so much stuff through the auction. My brother overlooked informing mom’s half brother about her death and also the estate sale (this uncle who is younger than all of us siblings, only lives an hour away, but was not part of our life after my grandfather’s auto accident death at age 55). I am fond of this uncle - met up with his mom and him, and am Facebook friends; his mom was very sweet to my siblings and I as young children - and I was 8 when my grandfather died, and she was 25!
Younger brother had his own manipulative things going on. Local sister is bi-polar, and I chalk her actions/behaviors to her illness. To give an idea, one item at the estate sale I bought was a pricey Persian area rug (which had been in my parent’s living room), which I only had to pay $800 - it is in my family room now.
Every family has some brokenness - but fortunately my mom had signed the trust documents just before dad died of cancer. My sister at auction got my mom’s total china stone, table setting of 12/13 plus all the extra bowls/serving pieces for $50 through the auction (about the cost of one small serving bowl) - no one was there to bid against her. Again, she should have been given that china w/o having it go through the auction.
I bought some framed prints at the auction, and brother’s son asked me if he could have one (and I let him pick out which one he wanted). Two nieces wanted the champagne glasses I purchased, (12) so I gave 6 to each. One niece wanted my dad’s chair for sentimental reasons, and my sister purchased it for her (it was a Stressless chair) and she maybe paid $50.
A lot went for other locals to purchase. You only hold on to what is most important and practical. Some very fine things that others could end up with, and saying that they got it from this particular estate sale. My dad had been a very well liked local businessman.
Honestly, if there is anything your MIL’s close friends would like as a remembrance that has some value, or other family members. Just a small item can mean something to them.
However, it does sound like MIL just never threw stuff away - a lot of stuff.
My in-laws didn’t keep a lot of stuff, kept a pretty basic household, but BIL/SIL felt compelled, as well as another BIL to get rid of stuff (the junk) while their mother was still in the home. It was one thing to go through refrigerator and extra freezer which had outdated stuff to toss, but to me to focus on all of that was not the time to do so - I know it hurt her feelings, and maybe a bit of her dignity. Home is in the sons’ name, and one niece just bought out a share from one of the brothers. Some estate money is paying on the property tax. DH and two brothers recently did some repairs and ‘family bonding’ - they are retired and have the time.
One year after his parents’ memorial service, we stayed one night in the house while traveling through the area. The next morning, DH was really hit hard with being in the house and no mom there - he went out to the Columbarium to visit them. DH’s mom was a very giving mom, and did a great job in that role - four sons that were able to go to college and live productive lives because of her strength as a wife and mother.
Grieving will take time.
DH still has the stamp collection of his dad’s that he is somehow to ‘dispose of’. Some stamps are worth some money, but it really is for DH to take the time with local stamp group or collectors and maybe find a specialist in this. I might have to help him get started on this. It is a compact bit of ‘stuff’.
My parents owned a small piece of property that my grandfather had purchased in FL in the early 1960’s which was my mother’s. I actually was the one to sell it - in closing out the estate, I just took a bit less cash and did this task. A real estate agent I know well knew a real estate agent in that area, and he was able to get it sold. When I did sell it, I let my siblings know.
1 Like
We also had time of second-guessing hospice, and I think that’s normal and part of grieving. Your DH just has to process an awful lot, and so do you. The fact of the matter is that with the best of intentions families can prolong an elder’s life, but not their comfort or quality of said life. We do that in love, because we can’t bear to lose them, because we feel we ought to fight. But the bravest and most loving thing is to let it go, let them go. I know you’ve told us how difficult your MiL was and I’m so sorry shemade choices that you have to cope with. It is fine to be sad and angry.
My mom said last week, for the first time, that she was sad but also just so angry at my dad. " How could he do this to me? How could this have happened?"
As for disposing of stuff, it’s awful, isn’t it? Just so much, too much, a whole part-time job. Give yourself a breather and watch a movie or get take out. Hang in there
2 Likes
I still struggle almost a year later with what happened with my mother at hospice. I understand the complicated emotions. They do get better.
As for disposing of stuff: we had 3 weeks to empty my mother’s one bedroom at assisted living…
- appraiser/auction first option (mainly a few paintings)
- consignment store (50/50)…we didn’t even do that this time but did it when house was sold
- local non-profit thrift store- ONLY nice clothes and objects
- junk hauler…NO trips to Goodwill at that point!
@greenbutton Thank you for checking in. My husband made the decision about 10 days ago to forgo additional treatment. Unfortunately, the only think treatment will do is give him extra time; it is not a cure. He is tired of being bedridden and confused. We waited to call hospice as one of his main doctors was out of town last week, and we all wanted to make sure we weren’t missing something.
After speaking to this oncologist, we all agreed to hospice. We will meet with the hospice intake nurse on Monday as my son will be in town. While they would have come today, we knew 2 days would not make a different and wanted all of us to be present.
While I think we all are ready for what is in front of us, I know we aren’t. My husband, daughter and I are all a bit of control freaks, so there is much advance planning going on by all. My daughter tries to add humor to the mix, and my husband enjoys it. I worry about my kids and GDs, the kids worry about me.
So here we are, siting and waiting. 
1 Like
@snowball I am hoping the Hospice team can provide comfort to your husband…and to your family. We found hospice to be very family focused, and helpful. Hoping your meeting on Monday gives you some peaceful information as you move forward.
I’ll be thinking about you and your family with warm thoughts.
4 Likes
@snowball I am heartbroken for all that you and your family are going through. Please take care your yourself during this difficult time. My thoughts are with you.
2 Likes
@snowball I am so sorry. Is it possible your husband will be on hospice for awhile, like months? Is there a projected timeline?
In my experience, I did not agree to taking my mother off medications for diagnoses other than the hospice diagnosis, until the last two days and even then I wondered. I also found that the hospice kit had a lot of pain and anxiety meds that were tried, and after some trials, I stopped those meds because they were not effective and had side effects- again until the last two days when lots of morphine and ativan were used.
I am glad you will have the support hospice provides- your husband, you and your entire family.
1 Like