My Dad was admitted to the hospital for tachycardia and delirium early this a.m. They are going to reset the pacemaker for a lower bpm (80 to 60) and if that does not work, they will have to adjust the lead into the heart, which will require a procedure. He is not oriented to time or place, only person. I am 1200 miles away. I called him today and he knows who I am, referred to me by my childhood nickname. I am in NJ and my sister is currently in FL. She will go out next week unless things change and we both need to go out. He is scheduled to be discharged on Monday but that might change. He has congestive heart failure and possibly immune checkpoint myocarditis. He is undergoing immunotherapy for an inoperable tumor in his sinus. Ever since he got the pacemaker in mid-August, he has had intermittent delirium and itâs getting worse. I know he is probably going to die soon and I just hope that I can be with him. I canât just throw over all my obligations unless I know he is in extremis. I feel terrible and very torn. There is a part of me that wishes he would just have a massive heart attack while sleeping. He told me today that he feels âterrible.â
Iâm so sorry. I regret that I didnât fly down to see my mom before she passed. I hope you can see your dad.
Thank you. It is hard to know when to go. I was able to be with my Mom when she passed, but she was in the ICU and on life support. My Dad is not at that point yet. At his age and with his conditions, he could go on for quite a while. I just really regret that I am so far away and I have decided that as I age, I will do anything I can to be geographically close to my child. Obviously, if this becomes a crisis I will ditch my job and go out to MN. We are observing.
So sorry. It is so difficult to know when to go when you are far away and things are unclear. You are observing and can make decisions based on what updates you get. If you do miss the end, please try to be easy on yourself . That can happen even when you are local. Take care and keep us posted.
Thank you. It really is hard to know if this is the end. The hospital and assisted living staff have been really helpful and communicative. Depending on timing, it will take me 24 hours to get out there. Dad had a virus last week that brought him low; they are testing to see if that is the reason for his issues. But I also know that even if he recovers and goes back to his assisted living, things are on the downward slide.
I find this interesting - however if a senior is really tied to their community, they have to decide if they can establish a new âcommunityâ while also seeing more of their family.
It took my MIL a year after her H passed to realize that she needed to move closer to family. She was so tied to the idea of remaining near the community she had been part of for more than 40 years. The reality, though, was that she wasnât really a part of that community in the same way that she had been. She remembered going to church, singing in choir, going to her church womenâs group meetings, attending Sunday School classes with her friends, chatting with neighbors and going to lunch with friends. In truth , she had not done those things in ages. Her community had changed, but she remembered what it was, not what she currently was experiencing. Her closest child was 3.5 hours away, and she couldnât just be there at the drop of a hat. Eventually, she realized she needed to move closer to one of her children. It was hard on her, but it was the best thing to do. Getting old is tough on everyone.
My parents moved a long flight away from both my brother and I. The only way it worked is that one of my parents had a significantly younger sibling in the area that was within a fairly quick drive. She was a godsend! As it was, my brother and I were hoping on a plane every month and often in emergency situations. Thankfully I was an empty nester by then but my brother wasnât and worked full time for himself. It was very, very stressful.
As such, we have promised our daughter that we will move near her, no matter where that is, when we need supervision/help (and into a facility). And if we give her a hard time, she has our permission to override our wishes and not feel guilty about it!
My dad is so happy he settled into a retirement facility near where he lived for almost 50 years. He knew a few residents when he moved in, plus he still has lots of friends nearby. He said he feels bad for the residents who moved to Austin to be near their kids and donât have any friends there. Of course, he was also fortunate that heâs a 10-minute drive from my sister. Best of both worlds.
Yes, being in your community and close to a family member is ideal. The best of both worlds, for sure.
My parents moved to Florida, and we kids were a long plane ride from them. They thrived in their new home, but when my mom started having health issues, it was tough on everyone. Several of us kids took turns flying to help them, but it was very difficult on us. They didnât want to leave their friends, who really were wonderful to them. We somehow made it through the decline in momâs health, her passing, and then my dadâs cancer & eventual passing. When we were taking care of getting the house ready to sell, their neighbors, who were their close friends, told us that they were putting their house on the market. After seeing how difficult things were for everyone when my parents had declining health, the neighbors decided to move back north to be closer to their kids. All of this has played into my decision to stay near our kids. Everyone is different, though, and my good friend chose to move away from her parents as they aged (she & her H are retired , so it wasnât a work move & they didnât move closer to their kids). While I may not understand her decision, I am not in her shoes. We all have to figure out what is best for us.
Probably you did see your mom a lot over years⊠thatâs the important thing.
It can be hard to know when to go at the end. Years ago a co-worker in NY flew FIVE times to his motherâs âdeathbedâ in FL. All stressful, pricey, last-minute flights (with work and kid/coaching backup arrangements needed.) And Iâm not even sure if he really did make it to her actual death time.
Yes, we did spend a lot of time together. Now my daughter said she wants to continue the tradition and travel with me. 
Lovely MaineLonghorn!
I had both situations, sort of. Got Mom moved into AL sort of by trickery in her home town. 400 miles from me. For 8 years I dashed up often, but the emergencies were LESS than when she lived with evil 2nd husband and when she was alone. She was on hospice for 18 months for those worried about getting it âtoo soonâ. They were another helper and another person checking on her, and medicare paid so it was so good. They helped us all at the end.
Dad moved in with brother and SIL and was very happy there for a long time. He was blind by the end, but still very smart. (Mom and grandma had dementia and I worry I am on the horizon) My SIL got tired of worrying about him âhome aloneâ and they put him in a home near to them. He was always agreeable to whatever made it easier for everyone. He was fairly happy there for a year. He was on hospice for 3 days. Everyone was shocked he went down hill so fast. I was there to get him on hospice, my brother and SIL didnât think he was very sick, but I could tell even on the phone since I talked to him every day. I left at 5pm because my DH wasnât that well and Iâd been gone 3 days. Dad died at 8am the next morning. I have mixed feelings about having NOT stayed bedside and if my DH had been able to come with me, I would have stayed with Dad until the end. But Dad wouldnât hold it against me. (Donât know about brother and SIL, but I was hoping SIL would go and stay with Bro and comfort him when I wasnât thereâŠI donât think she did and I didnât ask).
ANYWAY, Hospice is useful, both long and short term. Being present doesnât always mean being right there bedside. My kids are just starting their families (one married, one not) so I am not sure about the moving to be near them. I AM sure Iâll try to get DH and me into AL before we need it wherever it might be.
Everyone, even those not making good choices (IMHO), are doing the best they can and we need to give them credit for that.
Hugs to all of you on this journey, it will always feel too long and be gone too soon.
It was only in hindsight that we recognized the dozens of calls a day from FIL as a sign of some level of dementia. His personality was such that the demanding calls were also a fit with his style 
When you listen to my fatherâs messages, they are carbon copies of each other. He calls and leaves the message âitâs your father, call me itâs importantâ hangs up and repeats. He can do this several times in a row within a few minutes. I do believe that he has no recollection of the previous call(s) each time he calls.
He is doing this to several people now - the ones I know of are me, his sister, his lawyer, and the lawyerâs para. I imagine there may be others I donât know about.
You mention being demanding. He has become very demanding when he wants something. He used to call and say things like you have to help your poor father. Now it is more often - you need to fix this immediately, I donât care what you are doing, you have to take care off this now.
I have a question for those of you with long-term hospice care experience (my dad went under hospice care on a Sunday and died that Saturday).
Tomorrow, my sibs and I meet with a hospice nurse. The next day or so they will do the evaluation to see whether she qualifies. If my mom qualifies, what kinds of services could we expect? With my dad, things were so sudden that, yes, we wanted a hospital bed, etc. But we donât need that for mom as this point. How many times a week would they visit? What kinds of things would that do to/with her? For instance, mom âtakes a showerâ on her own, but we discover later that sheâs washed her hair with lotion. Tonight, she was looking for a toothbrush, and I found her with a disposable razor in her hand. Yikes. Sheâs so physically strong and mobile that she presents as pretty capable, but who knows what kinds of other things she has confused.
And I have similar questions for those who say it isnât for end of life care, because I would be very interested to helping SIL figure something out for MIL, but we are in Virginia and the law says thisâŠ
To be eligible for hospice coverage under Medicare or Medicaid, the recipient shall be âterminally ill,â defined as having a life expectancy of six months or less, and except for individuals under 21 years of age, elect to receive hospice services rather than active treatment for the illness.
That to me sounds like end of life care?? I donât think a doctor would sign off that MIL or FIL has only 6 months left. With Alzheimerâs who knows? I thought she wouldnât make it 6 months over 5 years ago.
I was asking my coworkers with elderly parents and none of them had ever heard of hospice helping someone around us who wasnât end of life. When hospice tried to help oneâs mom, they were going to take her off all meds and just let nature take its course. They declined. That was a few years ago and her mom - while not in good shape - is still around.
They arranged for hospital bed, oxygen and brought lots of other stuff - some we used, some we didnât. Lidocaine patches, Ativan and morphine. Commode, sitz bath, wheelchair. Already had a walker or I think they would have sent that too. Wipes and stuff like that. I canât remember now. We got an aide maybe 4 days per week? for an hour. She did the shower (just was mostly nearby), remade the bed, helped dress, put lotion on, emptied urinal, etc. All stuff we did on the other days but it was still nice. Nurse came 1-2 times per week in the beginning, way more often toward the end. We several times requested the nurse the last couple weeks and they always came within hours. 24/7 phone support which was useful a couple times in the middle of the night. We were able to request someone come play music once (volunteer) and get a couple massages. There was a social worker who came a few times and I think a chaplain was available had that been wanted. They managed all the meds and stuff which was great, and even arranged for bloodwork once which they donât usually but I forget why we wanted it particularly that time and they made it happen. It doesnât work for everyone but hospice was a godsend for us. It was about two months. ETA: this was definitely an end of life decision so not sure about otherwise
I have a friend whose mom has been on hospice more than three years. She is in a memory care unit and began having mini-strokes so we all thought the end was imminent. NOPE. They are at the point where they have said not to treat even a UTI, but sheâs still sticking around. So I know that longer care is an option.
Her doctor said that Alzheimerâs is a terminal diagnosis, which is why I thought maybe we could use hospice care. I just want some psychic relief for my sibs plus a trained set of eyes on her. Someone coming in for an hour four times a week sounds heavenly!