Yes, and just my opinion, you absolutely should share your observations with your siblings who are living closer by the elders than you are. I was the one a few hours away but spent a lot of time where my mother was in her last years, sometimes weeks at a time when something came up. Being far away has its own set of concerns , anxiety, issues but my sister lived with my mother and she of course did more of the day to day caregiving . It is very hard and I wish you the best. I would preface any conversation with your siblings by acknowledging your thanks to them for doing so much as the more local caregivers.
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My mil will tell repetitive stories on occasion. She also obsesses over things she canât control.
I shared what I thought with my bil who lives in town and sees them often. He thanked me and said he would look out for sign of dementia.
When you see someone often, itâs hard to see changes.
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My mother has dementia. She also argues and yells when I do things, like her laundry, or buy her new underwear, or clean her counter (she is in assisted living).
This is what I said to her : âEvery time I help you, I know it is an insult.â Their autonomy may be more important than clean clothes or house (I saw my mother today and there are food stains on her pants and sweater. I even tried having the facility do laundry but she wouldnât let them either.)
I remember having a new roommate who moved in and organized shelves the first day. I didnât have dementia of course but I remember feeling uncomfortable as if I had lost control.
I am not judging and I donât know your parents. But next time maybe just visit. And then if they ask you to do something, do it. Unless it is a crucial task.
The other thing that worked for me but isnât relevant here is that I say I am her assistant and she is the boss. My mother loves that. I joke that I am an âexecutive assistantâ and that puts be beneath her so she is happy 
Maybe you can work that angle.
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I did talk with my siblings, with the clear caveat of being the outsider. They have observed some of the same behaviors so we are all feeling on the same page.
Thereâs no talking to the doctors, because covid rules only allow one other person in the waiting rooms now. And even if we were allowed, my parents are not ready to concede that we might have things to discuss. I worry about the big gaps in their short term memory, and how that impacts the arguments they are having.
We have a staggered holiday planned, so they will have regular visitors from now to New Yearâs. The catch-22 seems to be that their (his) volunteering gives them purpose, but it also is exhausting them and sibs and I are trying to figure out a remedy for that. Thanks for the good suggestions and input, it helps.
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If the parentsâ PCP does Telemedicine and something important comes up that the several family members will need to be in on the conversation - may be able to schedule that kind of âappointmentâ. I talked to an on call PCP for a UTI and insurance paid for Telehealth audio âvisitâ.
My sister has my mom call her in on all of her doctors appointments. It was because 3rd hand information wasnât being conveyed well.
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I go with DH to almost all of his appointments because he doesnât know important questions to ask and also doesnât recognize what may be important information to relay to his health care provider. He is an engineer. One of my degrees is BSN. I know and pay close attention to medical history and what is going on with him health wise. His dad and all four of his dadâs brothers had prostate cancer - the bachelor and the priest both died of it after it spread. The bachelor had low back pain and ignored symptoms or tried âhomeopathicâ until he went to MD and found the cancer had spread into his kidney and couldnât be overcome - he might have survived if he allowed his kidney to be removed; the other had cancer spread to his lungs which was what was unmanageable. The other 3 had health care interventions and no more deaths from prostate cancer. One is still living an active life at age 94.
iâm sorry, I donât mean to monopolize with minor issuesâŠ
She wanted to know, more than once, when we would come in December. I asked her today how did she feel about XX date, and she texted back, she hated to have us come all this way and I should just wait and see and sheâd let me know if I needed to be there âat allâ . Siblings said, well, for now letâs let her have her way if it makes her feel better. They can skype me in at the last minute, is the thought.
My parentâs physician offered an email option, which my mother could not possibly have used, but I used it. I did have a rapport with him, I knew him outside the office before she was his patient so that helped with a baseline level of familiarity. I definitely messaged him my questions in her failing years, both physical and mental, things that might have hurt her feelings. A 15 minute visit with a Doc does not allow them to see the real person, many people with dementia, especially in the early days, âshowtimeâ meaning they bring themselves up and show their best self, so your doctor does not see the crazy.
Also, when we moved FIL, he had been living in his home of 50 years and running their lives, decently, some trouble moving, but no real, obvious, signs of mental decline. Once he was in IL at the home, he was a mess. To me, it was that every little thing he did from the time he got up until the time he went to bed, those things had been rote at home, but now took thought and being in a new placed, that thinking used all his energy. We moved him to AL within the first week. Expect some decline, depending how fragile her level of control is, when you move her. Depending on her level of inner strength, she could bounce back, or not.
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I think these are great points. Moving from the familiar is very difficult for the elderly and Iâve also experienced a decline after moving.
I have a neighbor who has dementia. Heâs quite young but weâve noticed his decline for literally years. He started not being able to follow card games. He was very difficult to play golf with, he couldnât keep track of his golf ball.
We never mentioned anything to his wife because itâs a very sensitive subject. Itâs their business if they want to disclose his medical conditions. He isnât 70.
But then Covid hit and the couple was open that he does have dementia. Found out that the wife was in denial, and I think the husband was able to keep things together with short doctor visits and the kids lived out of town. So he could function better in his house.
Itâs very sad, a retired military officer and an absolutely wonderful kind man.
Iâm glad you got to talk to your siblings and could share, greenbutton. Good luck with getting in on the medical info. Maybe you could at least get a list of their meds and have it printed for them? That can be helpful if one is hospitalizedâŠ
My parents were wonderfully kind but also resist when I tried to organize their house (even with a good reason - moving boxes in a bedroom so they could walk without tripping!) and would sometimes flare up.
Like compmom, I learned the best approach was to say things like: âWould it be okay with you if I donated this to a charity to help abused women?â "(my mom liked charities). Any time (not saying you did this) I moved in without some very delicate permission - there was resistence. It was hard (thinking: âwhy the boxes of Christmans cards from 1966???â) but worked.
Hang in there - you sound like a very sensitive and caring person.
MaineLonghorn - glad your dad is doing well and youâll get to visit him! And how cool your family was involved in forming TX - so interesting you can learn more about that!
Thank you!
The big news now is that Dadâs house in Austin is under contract. Itâs a beautiful, large house, but it was built in 1972 and looks like it. Itâs very âcontemporaryâ for the time. It has a galley kitchen (Iâm going to ask Dad why in the world they put in a kitchen like that!), which is a big drawback. So itâs a tear down. I knew that, Dad knew that, but Sis just couldnât accept it. The buyer is a developer who never even looked at the property! Of course, he didnât want to pay the âhouseâ value because he just wants the lot. Negotiations went on for awhile, but they finally settled on a price. The tipping point for Dad was that he will lose Momâs capital gains tax exemption (itâs $250,000 per person) in 2022 and thatâs a lot of extra taxes to pay.
I am SO THANKFUL!!! that Dad was able to handle all of this himself. He didnât even talk to Sis and me before making the final deal. If he had already passed, it would have been a nightmare. Sis has been diagnosed with depression and is prickly, to say the least. Iâm trying to be understanding, but some of her emails have been a little hurtful. 
When I go down in a few weeks, I want to have a conversation with her and Dad about his estate. Iâd like to iron out what we can NOW. I can honestly tell them Iâm not being morbid because weâre handling these kinds of estate details with our kids currently. I hope Dad is around for a long time.
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MaineLonghorn - itâs great when you can get as much stuff as you can ironed out as soon as you can. Fingers crossed your conversation during your upcoming visit goes well!
I agree, it is their stuff and we want to be respectful â the difficulty is that she will say âyes, letâs do XYZâ and then once it is done, and you are doing something else, she decides that she wants XYZ after all but doesnât want to bother us to undo it.
She called my sib yesterday, having gotten the car stuck unloading snow tires on rims. From my dadâs car. So he wouldnât do it himself. Sheâs not even 5â now, and sheâs trying unloading snowtires into the barn but doesnât want to bother sibs todo that. Sib collected the tires, stowed them, unstuck th car, got Mom back in the house.
I did get a list of all their doctors, and they carry little cards now with all their meds. Current issue is can we find them a snowplow guy so they donât try to do that, or do we want them snowed in so they stay home.
Good luck greenbutton - itâs all a challenge! I tried to get neighbors to snow shovel my parentsâ house when they became older/more fragile - it was hard finding someone whoâd get out there early enough to do it before they did! Hang in there!
My 99 year old dad died right before Thanksgiving. He was really an amazing person and great role model and is sorely missed. You all helped me so much a few years ago when he was in the hospital and been great with advice and caring. Just want to say thank you so much!
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So sorry for your loss @gouf78. Ninety-nine is quite a life span, but the loss is so difficult. Best wishes to your family.
Iâm so sorry! So tough to lose a family member around the holidays.
So sorry, @gouf78. May his memory be a blessing.