@gouf78, I’m so sorry. I’m glad you had so much time with your dad and may those memories be a comfort and a blessing.
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99 years old, and passed away with his child thinking so well of him. That’s the way I want to go, it sounds like he had a life well lived, @gouf78!
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I just retired and am now seeing and helping my parents constantly. Good grief, I didn’t realize it was so bad. Dad almost 92, dementia, health issues like crazy. Mom is 81, trying to take care of him, she is losing her memory and small things seem impossible to her.
Does anyone know of some good options in the Seattle area, as far as living? It might be time to move soon, where my dad could get a lot of care and my mom get a little. Until the point where she needs more care, which could be soon. They may need to get out of that house.
I’m sorry you are in this position! It’s so hard! I don’t have any recommendations in your area but you may want to reach out to your local Alzheimer’s association and see if there is a social worker you can speak to about options in your community. They were super helpful to me when my mom got worse.
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Thank you, @momofboiler1 , I will follow that up. I think they have awhile before it’s necessary, but I want to be ready when it happens. My dad has VA care, but I don’t know if that will last, and if it would help my mom anyways. I’m trying to get ahold of the VA social worker.
Congrats on retirement, @busdriver11! When you see the folks more often, you can see things they may be able to hide when you see them less frequently.
It is hard to figure out the “best” time to move but if they have more cognitive function they may be better able to make friends and establish new routines. On the other hand, being taken from old and familiar is confusing and disorienting. Dad wanted to move from their home to a CCRC so he knew mom could receive whatever care she might need.
They know many people at the CCRC but mom is not doing any of their activities , including never using their shuttles.
It’s definitely a journey and no easy answers .
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Another option is to hire a live in aide to care for your Dad in their home. I have 2 parents with different levels of care needed, and so far this is working best. It’s also cheaper than 2 people in assisted living.
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Also, from. What I’ve heard/read, when a couple needs different levels of care, they may be separated, which is often traumatic for them and loved ones. The facilities find it easier for the facility if all folks needing similar level of care are together.
Sone folks have been very happy in smaller home care facilities, a more home-like setting, which tends to be a bit more flexible but have smaller number of beds and patients. Sone folks have found adult day care to be very helpful for socialization.
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My dad loves his independent care facility. His apartment is two bedrooms and 1,100 square feet, the same size as our first house. He said the food is excellent and he knows some of the other residents (Dad is one of those guys who can be in Saudi Arabia and run into somebody he knows, literally). We couldn’t be happier. He and Mom had caregivers at their house for a couple of years. It worked OK, but their house was hard to navigate.
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Glad to hear this @MaineLonghorn!
My grandmother lived in an Adult Family Home, and it was perfect for her. I’m not sure what kind of setup my dad could even qualify for. Dementia, incontinence, health problems, and he yells. I think the yelling part could be the biggest problem in a group setting.
Ugh. I have two parents with dementia. One is so sweet! And the other has morphed into the nastiest, angriest person. I feel for you with the shouting!
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That is hard, two parents with dementia, @cinnamon1212. I have a feeling I might experience that also. My dad is incredibly sweet, but sometimes he just starts this shouting that doesn’t make any sense, and my mom can’t get him to stop. He just feels like yelling mumbo jumbo stuff, and I’m afraid that will be a problem moving to a place where others can hear it.
Just thought I would post an update on my father. I have posted here about him quite a bit over the past 2 years. We visited him in his assisted living this week. I had not seen him in 2 years (since Christmas before COVID). Hs is 90 now, and certainly looks it. He always had bushy hair (black, then salt and pepper, then grey, and then white) and he has no hair anymore. He looked good and was delighted to have visitors.
His finances are a complete mess. I had spoken several times over the past 2 years with his now 89 year old lawyer who was handling everything (had power of attorney), asking him to straighten out stuff and give me status. That lawyer now is not working (his wife is sick) and so my father has retained a new lawyer. This lawyer is hired to do a complete financial analysis and give both me and my father an accounting of all his current money, expenses, and his spending over the past couple of years.
I don’t think this will end well. He is currently spending a ridiculous amount of money for the assisted living facility itself (with all kinds of special services included) and a companion aide 12 hours a day 7 days a week. There is no way he can maintain this level or spending and will at least have to give up the aide. Honestly, I think he will have to move to a less nice facility where the government foots some of the bill for him.
I think his years at the Ritz are coming to an end and he will spend the rest of his years at a Days Inn. He has made all his own care decisions over the years and this was his own choice.
My friend had to make that kind of move for her grandmother. She lived to be 104 and the money started to run out around age 99.
I hope the new attorney can get things cleaned up and that your dad can scale back some so the money is there when he really needs it.
Kiddie would your dad be willing to give you power of attorney to take a look at it, if the lawyer is not adequately doing the job? I know that’s a sticky subject for many families, but maybe the best option.
My father would be willing, but the new attorney can get it done easier than I can (I am not local and the lawyer is). I have spoken with the new lawyer, and he and I seem to be on the same page. It was always difficult speaking with the old lawyer, I would tell him stuff and he didn’t get it (age issue I think).
Also, I have an estranged sister and giving me POA may spark some ugliness (I honestly wouldn’t put it past her to sue me). As it is, I am the health care proxy and I am sure she is not happy about that.
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Sounds like this new lawyer is the best option, particularly with your sister being difficult, and you not living nearby. Good luck, I hope your father ends up with more than expected, it would likely be tough to move him out, it what else can he do if the money runs dry!
I got the copy of my mom’s will in the mail today. Ugh, hard to see her signature and initials on every page. She had gorgeous handwriting. Christmas is going to be so hard.
First holidays are so tough! I’m sorry you are facing that this year.
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