For sure, @oldmom4896, I’m trying to keep that in mind, hanging onto compassion, hoping this will pass. I just can’t stand untrue accusations about people who have worked really hard for my dad, and trivial complaints. I’m lucky she isn’t complaining about me, yet. But I realize that she has always had a problem with complaining and negativity, and maybe a big part of it is now I’m around ALL THE TIME to listen to it. Repetitively. I don’t know whether to let her go on, remind her of the truth, offer suggestions, or just ignore it.
I’d suggest you try redirecting and switch to a more appealing topic to you and/or upbeat topic. Reasoning doesn’t work with most elders I know as well throwing out a topic they enjoy—a great childhood memory, what’s happening with your beloved kids, a nice edible treat.
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My dad was the same way when my mom moved to memory care. He was a pessimist his whole life and this was just one more thing. I think for him, it was not having anything to control. He found little ways to make himself feel better - bringing in my mom’s favorite foods, special lotion, etc…. Would love to say the complaining totally stopped, which it didn’t, but it did get better.
I hope the adjustment goes ok for both of them!
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My mother complained constantly (not to worry you…but this was an early sign of her dementia). Ignoring didn’t really always work…so I would just sort of agree…and that ended the argument. Plus….15 minutes later, she didn’t remember anyway.
I just started to agree because it didn’t really matter, no one else was there, and it diffused the negative stuff.
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One of the things that you might offer your mom is listening and reflecting back what she is experiencing and feeling, even when you don’t have the same emotional reaction. She might, or might not, feel like she doesn’t have to keep telling the story if someone can understand how it is hitting her.
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@patsmom It is unreasonable for someone to get up during the night more than every 3 - 4 hours (once or maybe twice at most) a night – many women graduate from using a very good pad to not getting up, to wearing the disposable products/briefs that have the stretchy netting as underwear, to wearing a regular diaper (gently referred to as a brief in facilities). Key is to let her know that getting up during the night often leads to fall/broken bones and limited choices on care. Maybe a bedside commode as an option?
So you used over 700 hours/month recently for her?
If you can plan how to use the caregiver hours to keep her with you and not spend more than what will be at memory care – I am reading that your concerns about your mom’s care not under your watchful eye is that her care will suffer.
I believe you are having your mom a bit in the driver’s seat, and you need to be in the driver’s seat.
You can have a bed alarm set up at home if you are concerned about her getting up out of bed w/o help. But if she has declined so much with Alzheimer’s that you cannot have a reasonable life with her under your roof.
Do not strain your back. Schedule the caregivers for the stuff to give yourself the break you need. Once you are spending more for her at home than memory care, and the Alzheimer’s is advancing, one needs to put the trust in the memory care.
I have a good friend whose 100 year old mother lives with her. The mom is cooperative but with advanced Alzheimer’s. Use of a w/c and can pivot in and out with transfer bed/chair/wheelchair with one assist. Mom is on Hospice and they give ‘respite’ - so she goes to rehab facility for 4 days on the respite care and the dau/husband get a break. Hard to know when her time will come. The mom has no resources – the parents raised 12 children on a lower military income - knew how to stretch a dollar. When this daughter saw her mom was not being ‘properly’ looked after, her wonderful husband and she took mom in about 8 years ago. Daughter/Husband raised 5 kids and 3 of them live nearby but the grandkids/families have busy lives.
Have you checked into Hospice in your area?
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When my stepmother’s mental abilities were declining, she got very anxious, bordering on agitated. Her gerontologist prescribed an antidepressant (Lexapro) which really helped. Just something else to consider.
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Very good advice, IMHO.
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Your mother may be afraid. Can she connect with a counselor or support group? She had been his caregiver, she may feel guilt or sense of failure.
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My mom has very little short term memory and will continue asking the same Qs repeatedly. Redirecting can help me and loved ones keep our sanity. She’s just trying to engage and be connected to the world and doesn’t recall asking the same Q and responses. She is fine with being redirected.
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@brantly, in some HCOL areas, a board and care home could be much less money than an official SNF. However, it would not usually qualify for Medicaid once the money runs out, so it’s a strategic decision
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I am the far away child – my siblings are doing most of the helping for my parents, who are increasingly unable todo for themselves. We discovered that while Mom is agitated but polite, she will not complain to them — but she sure does to me. So I call 2-3 times a week, and let her rant and complain and cry and worry to me. We are all a bit mystified by the beahvior, but it clearly makes her feel better and whatever draws fire from my sibs, I willhappily do.
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@greenbutton you are fulfilling the counselor role - mom can vent and not have concern that she is offending any of your siblings that are clearly helping your parents. Very healthy for her. Also can help maybe with what is important to her – it may be small things/not taking much time or energy. Maybe you are a help for her organizing her thoughts/feelings.
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Medicare question. Uncle in hospital for broken hip in November. Went to rehab room at same facility where he lives. So in looking when new period begins for Medicare (if needed) does the 60 days since discharge refer to discharge from hospital or rehab?
Check with facility, and can also check with Medicare.
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@busdriver11 I agree with the suggestions to try to change the subject with her. It’s virtually impossible to reason with someone who is undoubtedly experiencing much anxiety that is coming out as complaining. And if she’s always been a little like this, well, the saying is that older folks just become moreso like themselves.
I would also look into medication. IMHO, this is compassionate to do - it is not “medicating” or “anesthetizing” your loved one, it is providing a relatively easy way to relieve the anxiety and compulsions when something like talk therapy may not be feasible.
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@surfcity I did talk to her about anti-anxiety medication, told her about a couple of family members who have taken it, and maybe she could talk to them. Think I might contact them tomorrow and ask them to tell her about their experiences.
I think she did have a brief moment of clarity today, when she started complaining about two of the guys who were helping change my dad’s diaper (takes three of them to change him, he yells and swears, tries to bite them). She said two of them were too tall, it was intimidating, and he didn’t have a fighting chance. I replied,”Fighting chance to do what, to bite them?” And she realized how ridiculous it was, complaining about their height, and started laughing.
I’m really trying to get her to start doing things for herself, trying to get some joy and do things that she likes. It’s been all about others for her entire life.
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I haven’t posted in this thread yet, and my days of elder caregiving concerns are over. I have a question, though – you haven’t mentioned any other family members besides you helping your parents. (If you have, I missed it.) Are you an only child? Is it expected that you be the one to help out? If so, how do you feel about it?
What happens so many times is mission creep. You are only doing this and this now, but then you start adding that and that, and pretty soon you are quickly sliding down the slope to having your life completely dominated by eldercare needs.
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I sure can see that happening, @CTTC. I have one sister who is very loving and supportive of anything I want to do, but she’s 2,000 miles away. She calls and texts my mom, offers kind words to both of us, but can’t really physically do anything, which is fine. We’re in total agreement. I’m trying not to be completely overwhelmed with this, but it’s fortunate I retired in September. I can see how ones entire life can get sucked into caregiving, what a hard life!
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My dad seems to really want to get out of that bed and walk. He was so much better today, conversational and fascinated when I read to him a story about WWII and the Finns fighting the Russians (he’s Finnish). I started to think, hmm, what if? What if he is getting better, and everyone is writing him off, thinking he’ll be bedridden for the rest of his life with severe dementia? Not thinking the dementia will disappear, of course, but I don’t want to give up on him.
One thing that concerns me is that he’s still catheterized, and that’s quite an impediment to mobility. It seems uncomfortable, he doesn’t want to move his legs, and obviously it tethers him to the bed. I don’t know why that’s really necessary, besides the fact that he’s incontinent, and they’d have to change more diapers. If staff convenience is the real reason, that seems completely wrong. The hospice nurse didn’t give me a reason, besides saying he’d always need it. Well, he didn’t have one for 92 years, just a pee bottle and a diaper. I was reading an article about unnecessary catheterization, and the hazards. I need a reasonable answer about why this is still being done to him.
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