My father died last week. Makes me realize that all we’ve been doing over the last month trying to keep him alive, make him healthier and heal him, all we were doing was flailing around. If we could just get him out of the bed, get the right medication, do this or that…flailing. None of it mattered, severe dementia with other serious health problems, it was going to kill him, but we weren’t able to accept that. I think what made it worse was that we hung onto hope.
Thank you all for the help you gave to me while I was flailing. Good luck to the rest of you in your journey to help your parent.
Thank you all. I think I’ll be fine, but I’m worried about my mom. She is so sad, and has nobody to talk to but myself and a few family members. My parents had isolated themselves over the last several years. I am trying to find out about a group or some sort of bereavement counseling that might help her (though she’s never been willing to do counseling). Would anyone have any suggestions? I don’t see anything on the VA website that would help her.
@busdriver11 I’m so sorry for your loss. Caring for a loved one with Alzheimer’s /dementia is so difficult and causes constant second guessing. You all did as much as you could and having hope is part of that. As for grief groups - many churches have them and some are not religious. I found and attended a grief group at a local church that was not affiliated with the church or religion.
Her area agency on aging may also have resources for older adults dealing with grief. I’m wondering if they have social workers who may hold or know of grief groups.
There are chaplains that are very sensitive to those not following any faith - and certainly will reach out and provide ‘listening skills’ and some kind of support. Often Hospice Chaplains have their own ministry for example - that can be a way to find someone. But in your area certainly there are secular types of programs for grief support.
Maybe you have a ‘Friends’ organization - where a person comes to visit just as a friend - often for shut ins or elderly people. the agency on aging may have some leads as already mentioned.
Most hospice programs run bereavement groups, as well as one on one counseling. There is also a national non profit called Compassionate Friends that is wonderful. I helped facilitate one of their support groups and the members got together regularly for outings in addition to the support group.
I think flailing is totally appropriate and acceptable. It did not help in my mom’s case. I am convinced, however, that it DID help my dad and that’s why he’s alive today. I’m glad we did everything possible for both of them even though the outcomes were so different.
@SOSConcern Yes, her son, my husband’s step brother, will be dealing with the facility tomorrow, as he is the one in charge. What I don’t understand, is if the device she wears around her neck only contacts the front desk of the building; I would have though it notified her son, or a centralized call center, not her doorman!
Surgery was this morning, and she will go home tomorrow. A rod was placed in the arm and she has no cast, or sling. Ortho said she can do as much as she can tolerate with the arm. At 97 ( 96 was a typo above) this woman keeps on ticking. She will do PT as needed, and I suspect she will be back to her 3 times a week bridge game before we can blink!
I’m so sorry busdriver. I know you feel like you’ve been flailing but at least you knpw you tried the best you could. There is comfort in that although right now I’m sure all you feel is emotionally exhausted but also need to keep going for your mom.
When my mom passed my dad was horribly sad. They had been married 70 years. My sister and I stayed with him for quite a while just to keep him company and help establish a new routine. And he wasn’t withdrawn but at that age most of his friends were already gone. It helped to make sure people called him on a regular basis just to chat.
Don’t make any assumptions about what your mom wants to do. Ask her. See if there are friends she wants to reconnect with, places she wants to go, a community group she might want to consider. Encourage it but let her make those choices. It’s probably been very difficult to socialize for several years even if she had wanted to. She probably hasn’t figured out yet where to go from this point yet.
I don’t know if you still haven’t cleared or even considered clearing your dad’s belongings but ask your mom about it. Let that be her decision. My dad totally surprised us by wanting everything cleared out very quickly. He decided to look forward and knew all those reminders (clothes and personal effects) weren’t going to help in healing. Everybody is different. He had no part in the process. He had no desire to be part of it–it would have been to hard for him and he was grateful that we took care of that part for him. Same with a grief group–no way would he have participated.
