I’m so sorry @busdriver11. I don’t think there is a single person in the planet who would not be “flailing” given the circumstances. Humans don’t come with a defined end of life date, and medicine is still a not very precise science. 
Hugs.
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I’m so sorry @busdriver. People have had good suggestions on support groups. Your mom’s MD or the facility where your dad was may also have suggestions on bereavement support groups.
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Thank you for all the suggestions, I will follow up on these and find a group for her. I got her out walking today and she’s actually talking about travel, taking classes at the university, exercise groups and alternate living situations (like assisted living or buying a smaller house). These are all good signs!
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I am so sorry for your loss. You certainly got involved, tried to help, and did all you could. That’s all you could do. Hugs to you.
I have no suggestions for what to do about your mom, but take care of yourself too.
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Getting outdoors and physical activity are key! She’s so lucky to have you with her, @busdriver11 ! It does sound encouraging that she’s talking about the future!
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Sorry for your family’s loss, @busdriver11 . You walked an ambiguous walk, supporting your parents and navigating your father’s health. Your mother is fortunate to have your support. Hospice often sponsors or knows of grief support groups, as may local Council on Aging groups. I have known several people who found them very helpful; some joined quickly after their loss, others chose to wait awhile. All my best as you carry on.
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Wow - I guess your mom decided she still had some ‘rev’ in her motor. Very healthy to get active and have new adventures.
Hugs for the loss of your dad. Hope things move along well for your mom.
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I am so sorry for your loss. It took me a while to gain perspective when my dad died, and now looking back to 2014, I can see how his health problems cascaded. May his memory be a blessing, and it sounds like you are definitely doing the right thing for your mom. Most counties or cities have a department that assists aging residents and they should have referrals to bereavement groups. My dad, a grieving widower, actually met my stepmother after her husband died and she was in a bereavement group with a childhood friend of my dad’s, who made the introduction.
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My recently widowed mom was a classmate of the wife of a recently widowed man - they all would be together in ‘class reunions’ in Switzerland (other couple lived in Canada, while my parents lived in WI). However due to my mom’s mental illness (bi-polar, with medication was still a force to be reckoned with) - she didn’t realize Walter would not put up with her antics like my dad did; they were engaged and wedding invitations sent out – the postponed wedding never happened. Once he saw the full picture…
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My father and stepmother married in 1984, about a year and a half after my mother died, and remained married until he died in 2014. She died a few months later.
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It’s nice for folks who can form a relationship later in life that brings happiness to the couple.
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My mom is at the point that I don’t believe she’s capable of forming new lasting attachments with others. She’s happy with the familiar.
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USAA offered my mother counseling services when my father died. They were very nice about everything.
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My mom got a call from hospice today, asking her if she needed any help. As usual, she said no. But because of the recommendations I got here, I convinced her to call them back and ask for a referral to a bereavement group. I think that could help her a lot. Thanks to all.
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OK, do I have the right to be pissed off? My dad is paying a good bit to stay in his facility. One of the selling points is that it’s easy to get help if you need it. Dad just copied me on this email he sent the facility director:
<<<During the ice storm last Thursday I started to take my Sheltie out to the yard late one night. There was some ice on the patio floor near the door, and I reached down to move the floor mat (that was near the door into the apartment) over to cover up the ice. In the process, I lost my balance and fell. Due to my weakened legs I couldn’t get up. I managed to scoot on my butt to the door, get the door open and then into the house—a good thing since it was probably freezing at the time. Inside, I pushed the button on the medical alert device several times with no response. I then used my phone to call the [facility] main number and finally someone answered and transferred me to security. I told the person about my predicament and she said something to the effect, “I have been getting your signals but I wasn’t sure where you were.” (I may have misunderstood her, but she obviously had difficulty in knowing where to go.) So that raises a question of how effective the medical alert devices are. She then came to my apartment but said “I can’t lift you up.” But by her pulling on my arm and my putting my hand on a chair and pushing I managed to get up. I was not hurt except my pride. That also raised the question of whether the attendants are trained or equipped to assist fall victims since I would assume that is a fairly common problem.
That caused me to do a little research on the internet to see if (1) there are methods whereby fall victims can lift themselves up and (2) identify devices to help fall victims get up. I found some information on both that is quite informative and interesting. You are probably familiar with some or all of this, but I wonder if this information would be of interest to the residents. A program on the subject might be of considerable interest to many of the residents, since this is a problem that many of us are faced with as we grow older. I will attach a list of links to the information I found.
One of the lifting devices might be useful for [the facility] to have so that a single attendant could help a fall victim. I was fortunate that I had enough arm strength that I could be of help in my lift. Others are not.
Thanks for reading.>>>
I emailed the director but he’s out of the office until the 17th. Ugh, I’m really concerned. This could have been quite serious.
I would definitely be concerned. Regardless of the expense of a facility, that’s a pretty profoundly poor response both in time, and staff preparation. i’m glad your dad is okay but wow he was lucky.
I would definitely follow up with he facility! If the facility director isn’t there, what about reaching out to the director of nursing? That’s a big issue and I certainly wouldn’t wait another week before talking to someone.
If someone pushed their life alert at my mom’s facility, the response from staff was nearly instantaneous. (Have unfortunately witnessed it first hand multiple times).
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Great letter from your dad! It’s hard to fathom that they don’t have a procedure for this since it is sure to happen often.
Didn’t this happen to another poster recently?
The only thing I would add is that I would mention calling 911 next time. Not sure it would be effective during an ice storm.
Also the new Apple Watch has a fall indicator which will call 911 when you become incapacitated.
But shame on the facility
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Is he talking about a hoyer lift?
I think surely a facility can get a 2nd person in the facility to help - how big is the facility and what is their night/weekend staffing?
Always better to have 2 people to lift, even with a lift device.
Until one can have the ‘emergency button’ actually be responded to, a good idea to keep a cell phone in a pocket or within reach at all times.
I imagine your dad realizes even small tasks bending over is a very bad idea. He is fortunate to not have an injury beyond bump/bruising.
The 17th is a long time. Whoever is in charge during absence of senior person over the facility needs to be alerted - and nursing director too.
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I’m going to talk to my sister tonight and come up with a plan. She’s local so she may decide to stop by in person.
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