I jokingly refer to my “third party principle” which means I try to get a third party to get my mother to do things. The MD wouldn’t do anything about driving nor would she listen but I convinced her that to get everyone off her back, she could do a rehab driving assessment, which of course she failed. Bingo they took her license on the spot! Strangely she never recognized my manipulation.
Hoping a “third party” helps you with this situation.
You or a sibling should be a proxy for each of the parents, and hope that could also be accomplished with Power of Attorney, and maybe get on the bank account (eventually, I realize this is all kind of pie in the sky for you right now). They should also have a MOLST or whatever your state calls it.
If they are both mentally competent there isn’t much you can do. I had a physician invoke my proxy, which in turn invoked the P of A, so I basically act in my mother’s place, including signing things. It seems you are a ways off from that and when it is a couple, it is more complicated.
In my situation if I let my mother live in a hazardous situation, I would be responsible and could be accused of neglect! My mother is in assisted living and no longer falling in the garden and coming in covered with dirt! Rehab helped us convince her, a few years ago. Third party!
Ha, I did the same with the driving (had a 3rd party based in a hospital evaluate my mom’s driving). The first sentence out of her mouth, on being told she failed, badly – “I see my daughter got to you!”
My mom is a piece of work. Lucky for her she was a great mother, because as an Alzheimer’s patient she’s pretty awful. She thinks she’s perfectly capable and all her problems are because of me.
My mother was so angry at the rehab folks and was consumed for a few weeks with suing, calling a lawyer etc. I think the dementia helped because she never saw the connection between me and the rehab. She was a difficult mother and remains difficult with dementia But sometimes I get away with stuff.
My mother in WI had to forfeit her license due to a very bad accident. She was trying to get it back. People could write on a form about her driving, get it notarized (with or without complainant’s signature). My church Deacon (who was a sponsor on a trip to Ireland my mom was on with his group) - a retired FBI guy filled one out - he loved mom but he knew she never needed to be behind the wheel again. She badgered my brother to get her a replacement vehicle (hers was totaled) and he let her take behind the wheel lessons from a law enforcement officer that ‘coached’ her on her driving. My sister found out the day she was going down to take her behind the wheel exam - that office said they couldn’t stop the exam. Well my sister went up the DPS chain and someone ‘found’ the pile of complaints - and they called the local driving office and canceled the exam. My mother had her personal attorney write to the state, and the state wrote him back and stated she could not get a driver’s license again in WI. So closed file. Brother got rid of the car.
I wrote in detail and signed my name to my ‘complaint’. Brother had gotten copies of the complaints and showed them to mom. But mom never held it against me - she also saw the Deacon’s letter. I arranged travel for mom and she went on a Disney trip with my nuclear family for a week. Mom also went with a group to Italy which I arranged with people I knew. That was mom’s last trip as she started having neurological problems with falling. At Disney, we got one of their wheel chairs. Sometimes my husband was mom’s escort - she loved male attention.
You probably are a ‘safe’ person for her to blame - she knows you will ‘take’ it.
I probably had the best/most healthy relationship with my mom. My older sister and younger brother were ‘her favorites’ but paid a price; my older brother and younger sister were my dad’s favorites. I was my great grandmother’s favorite - but only saw her twice (for extended time) - a 3rd time was when I was born and she helped mom for my first 6 months; she raised my mom so I guess mom had some special ties to me. My mom and my younger sister are both bi-polar (and mom’s natural mom was also bi-polar back when they didn’t have a good grasp on treatment). I kind of kept ‘under the radar’ growing up – best to be seen and not heard – mom was just under manic through my high school years when my parents were super social with lots of parties and business events/dad had a successful business.
My siblings and I all breathed a sigh of relief when our mom decided she didn’t need to drive anymore. She was already uncomfortable driving at night or in bad weather. Then two of her friends had accidents. She said it’s not a problem until it’s a problem, and sold her car.
95+ MIL was fine not driving until her dementia progressed, and she didn’t recognize that her driving was not a good idea. She still had a car and license. Taking keys or moving the car caused severe anxiety. Finally disconnected the battery. Car problems she could understand. Rinse and repeat as needed (she didn’t remember the last episode).
I will always be grateful that the CCRC flat out said dad could no longer drive because he was “unpleasant” as well as being a scary driver. Nothing was ever his fault when things were amiss in a car.
He was a challenging passenger too, asking why we were stopping at red light, why we didn’t turn to go down wrong way on one way street, and other joyous exhortations.
Mom was happy to stop driving—she never enjoyed it and was a very timid driver. After she was rear-ended (while stopped) and her car was totaled, she never wanted to drive again, even tho it was totally the fault of the other driver.
I am curious how the CCRC could legally tell your father not to drive. My mother’s assisted living constantly tells us that residents are tenants. Therefore, they cannot make a resident stop driving, or drinking for that matter. The aides have to turn around and leave when a resident refuses help etc. So did the CCRC actually tell your Dad no driving/
Absolutely - you can tell the family that you want to keep the status of ‘friendly neighbor’ - but you also can be eyes and ears to some extent. Just keep your boundaries so you can enjoy your neighborhood.
My in-law’s next door neighbors – super nice people. With in-law’s garage and carport not being used, allowed this neighbor to park his boat and 4 wheeler there until parents died. Have the house cleared out a lot and may be selling but not in a hurry. A grand-daughter may want to buy (DH and his brothers own it), and her dad is single and lives close – right now close out of town family have been using and bringing their own sheets and towels. Washer/dryer and beds all there as well as furnishings.
My mom’s doctor told her to stop driving and that she could kill someone if she didn’t. She was still with it enough to hand me her keys. We sold her car the next day and she never asked to drive again. We were lucky.
The place my parents were originally going to move into had about a three-year waiting list. And the “buy in” price (90% of that would be refunded once you moved out, i.e., died) was over $1 million!!! My dad got so ill right when they got off the wait list, thank goodness, and they lost their place. I say thank goodness because the one Dad ended up moving into is fantastic and the initial fee was only one month rent! He has said several times he’s thankful he didn’t spend all that money on the other place.
Well, they technically said he could NOT use their parking lot, which was where his car was, so it was translated by us to he couldn’t drive. He grumpily accepted it better than he would have if one of us “kids” told him to stop driving.
Mymom is reluctantly still driving, even knowing she really shouldn’t be. My Dad understands he can’t be driving, and we accomplished that by making me the bad guy. It is hard for all of us, since in rural areas if you can’t drive, you are really homebound. In our state, only a doctor can revoke a license and we just wanted to spare him that.
We have been lucky in a new specialist for Dad, who has swept away a lot of the doctor-posturing and has prioritized the ailments to be addressed and has a plan. He had some treatments at a specialty center and finally, finally, was told in a way he and Mom understood that if his health does not improve in the next months, the next step is some sort of supoortive care.
For those struggling w Alzheimer’s parents, I recommend Maya Lang’s What We Carry. For all of us, I can’t recommend Atul Gawande’s Being Mortal enough. I have found it so comforting in these months of change.
IDK what state you are in to know if ‘revoking a driver’s license’ can be done in other ways (like a major accident and requiring a driver test; if due to vision or other issues having to take specific vision and driver testing to retain a license; if they have a way – like I know WI does on a complaint system to not grant a chance at a license after having a revoked license from being determined the cause of a major accident). I know driving after a certain age in some states where they require a driving exam. I know a woman (in my current state AL) who lost the sensation on the bottom of her right foot and was having some minor accidents - so based on what happened with one or more of these minor accidents the state of AL required her to go through testing and she miserably failed and her driver’s license was suspended/revoked.
Having worked in rehab (and doing admission nursing assessments) I have talked to numerous people who were still behind the wheel and absolutely should not have been.
I do think the strategies of having the car incapacitated may be indirect way to keep seniors off the road. Yes it is tough in rural areas - but also is tough in cities because the person cannot just go out and jump in their car – they have to ‘plan’.
I was in a parked vehicle in a grocery store parking lot, and an older woman (who had depth perception issues) hit my parked car on the side of my driver door, backed out, parked and went into the store to buy stamps. She didn’t acknowledge striking my vehicle. When she went into the store, I called the local police and they had time to come and write an accident report. I went into the store and confronted her - she denied hitting my car. When the police wrote up the report, he could see she hit my car and wrote it up that way. When she drove off, she almost swiped another car driving off - with the police officer and me both watching her.
She had State Farm insurance - and I called her agent. The agent said the woman ‘fessed up’ about hitting my car. I told the agent this woman did not need to be driving any more. The lady was in her 80’s but too poor of vision to be driving.
My father had his license revoked after an accident in his mid-80’s. He fell asleep and ran off the road, though he claimed at the time there had been black ice and he slid on it.
We really wanted dad to stop driving after he wrecked his car because he claimed the sun was in his eyes and he hit a pole. My brother insisted on repairing the car and letting him keep driving.
I was so glad when the CCRC said he couldn’t use they’d parking lot. None of us fought it and we were all relieved they were the “bad guys.”
This is when my mother stopped driving
I guess she hit the accelerator instead of the brake. Fortunately, it was her own porch. This was 10 years ago. She never fought having her keys taken away after this happened. Too bad it took an accident to convince her to give up the car.
But sometimes I get away with stuff.
