An umbrella is not a bad thing. However, to get an umbrella insurance, at least in my state, you have to have a beefed up auto liability coverage and also underinsured motorist coverage. This bumps auto premiums up significantly. That said, I would never go without underinsured motorist coverage.
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I understand @greenbutton 's conundrum. There is a place where the parents are not able to be declared incompetent and yet they really are traveling there quickly, but if they choose not to cooperate, there is often nothing to back up the kid in Greenbuttonâs position. We finally got the attorney to write a letter saying FIL was incompetent & BIL called the doc the next morning to object, as near as I could tell at the time, because it was hurtful.
@greenbutton, are your other siblings male?
I say this because I find that my husband and his brother are much less likely to confront (thatâs not the right word but I canât think of a better one) their parents. They are also not as in tune with changing behaviors. I notice things they donât. My mil in particular is a talker and the boys tune her out. My fil is failing but the boys are very good at pretending that every thing is fine.
My sibling on the other hand is convinced that our mother is helpless. They are very good at trying to undermine any success. Now they want nothing to do with helping but they are very critical also. My mom is doing ok in her own house still and I think the best place for her is where she is.
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Yes we have the beefed up car coverage but not terribly expensive.
A really bad car accident and someone at fault w/o enough coverage - the extra insurance is a bit of a safety blanket. A life time disability or requiring life time of care - the insurance can provide for the disability and care.
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I went to my momâs doctorâs appointment yesterday. This is the first time Iâve gone. She is very healthy, and her doctor is aware of memory issues and anxiety, but I donât think I was able to impress upon her how bad itâs starting to get. The doctor really seems to want to put a positive spin on everything. My mom scored 19 on the MOCA test, and the doctor said it was mild cognitive impairment, and what one would expect, at her age. A score of 19 is also in the mild Alzheimerâs range, which the doctor didnât mention. At least the doctor supported me on looking at assisted living places in coming months, not years.
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For reference, my mom scored a 6 on the MOCA 8 years BEFORE she died of Alz. (And she got an extra point because she never went to college).
Iâm glad that you were able to go to the appointment though and that the doc is supportive of starting to look at AL communities. I hope you find a great fit for your mom!
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I do think the CC personâs comment - I believe it was @compmom that she would have looked at facilities that were memory facilities or units instead of general assisted living, as they were/would be better with the primary issue of memory/Dementia.
Is the anxiety a more recent thing, has been occurring with aging/memory, or something she has always had? Do you use techniques that are directed to lower her anxiety, to support the memory loss, or direct efforts in tandem for both?
Does the MD have mom on any memory medication? I would look to techniques for coping with the anxiety - a âwith itâ person can use techniques to lower anxiety.
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I think the problem with going to a memory care place only is that itâs beyond what my mom needs at this point, and would turn her off completely. She might just need independent living, and not even assisted living at this point. Iâm just concerned about waiting too long for this. Anxiety has always been there, but has increased. She wonât go to therapy or take medication. I try to lower her anxiety by helping her take care of problems that bother her, but she doesnât make it easy. She forgets what she said or did a minute ago sometimes, and is walking in circles doing the same paperwork over and over again, making the easy more difficult, not trusting that I know what Iâm doing, or basic logic.
The doctor said medication shows negligible benefits and potential side effects. Her recommendation was to walk and exercise as much as possible, increase social contactâŠall of which my mom is willing to do, and I agree with.
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I did comment on feeling that memory care only places were much better (much cheerier) than memory care that is attached to assisted living or even CCRCâs, because in the latter people have âfailedâ, and in the former staff are trained on dementia and all activities are geared to it. I have visited many places and memory care attached to assisted living looks custodial almost in some facilities. At the memory care only facility that I looked at, residents looked happy and participation in activities was high.
However, this does not yet seem relevant for @bus driverâs mom 
CCRCâs are expensive to enter but then for a monthly fee you can enter independent and move to assisted or memory care or nursing home, often without additional cost.
I was about to move my mother to a memory care only place but COVID interfered, and now she is really past being able to move without major disruption to routines and what few connections she still feels.
Whatever your do @busdriver, earlier is better than later! It is good to make the move when still able to move around, enjoy activities and make friends.
Your mom may still have years ahead when she can stay at home with a little help, but from experience some of us would also say donât wait too long.
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This was our experience with my mom. Because she was diagnosed early, she was on memory drugs for a long while. They did nothing to help slow progression and the side effects were awful. My mom didnât tolerate the anti anxiety meds either.
There are many facilities that have all different levels of care. Where my mom was, many people started out in independent living and moved to the other units as needed. If your mom wouldnât be a âflight risk,â IL or AL would probably work for her now. Many seniors have some non ALZ memory issues. Just a normal part of aging. If sheâs independent with all her ADLs (bathing, dressing, eating type things), independent living should work well for her.
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@busdriver11 can you ask her to do you a favor by trying medication or therapy? Or do you a favor letting you handle X, Y or Z? Sometimes framing it this way can help.
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Iâm sorry your mom had to suffer that! It certainly is hard for the doctors to figure out the right course. I think Iâd want to try the memory medication, but if it doesnât help much, sounds like itâs not worth the risk.
My mom can still safely drive and I think sheâd be fine starting with independent living. Weâre going to tour a place by my house again, as sheâs already forgotten weâve toured it.
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It sounds like transitions may be an issue - they are for many people. Unfortunately a âlong roadâ if she is healthy from the neck down and is âdifficultâ.
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@oldmom4896 i might be able to get her to try a therapist, if I could find a good one. Apparently they are in very short supply right now. Medication, I doubt it. She takes no medications, has agreed to stat taking supplements finally (if she remembers), and even taking a Tylenol once in awhile for pain is a big deal. My dad used to cut them in quarters.
I think what she really needs is a friend, and I canât be everything for her.
Assisted livings have many residents with memory issues, believe me, so independent living should be fine. I canât tell you how many times I tell a resident which way to turn in the hallway or where their room is . My otherâs tablemate thinks her deceased husband is upstairs.
People go from assisted to memory care when they wander, fall a lot, or are so needy that it is a burden on staff, in our facility. Otherwise there are many with dementia in the regular assisted living, and most started off as independent.
But as others have said, it is a long road. We thought my mother was failing when she went to the assisted living and it has been 6 1/2 years!
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Are you an only child? Or do you have siblings who arenât involved? Or are they involved?
Beware of mission creep. (And this is a warning to others, also.) What starts out as helping here and there can quickly snowball into endless demands and expectations. Set your boundaries early. And just because you may be the local child, that doesnât let your siblings off the hook.
People who arenât the local child have no idea what the local sibling is having to do for the elder(s). Itâs easy to make suggestions, not being there. Unfortunately, it is often one sibling who ends up doing the most. And the stress on that one sibling can be tremendous.
I write from experience. I figured out a way to make it work for me as the local child, but I know many wouldnât have accepted what I ended up doing.
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Yes! Understand that whatever you do, itâs not enough. I aim to spend between 45 min - 1 hour every day (works out to 6 days/week in practice) just visiting with my parents (as well as âdoingâ things for/with them). Most times I leave (at 6) my Dad insists I stay for dinner. I cannot do that, I have recently lost a lot of weight and eating with them would knock me out of whack.
I just spent an hour with you, and yet you still want more. Whatever I do, it is not enough
(I eat with my parents once a week, fyi)
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Can so relate to needing boundaries and that it is never enough. I was with my parents 5-6 hours at a time, 3 days/week, plus a family dinner on the weekends. My dad told everyone that would listen that I was never there and did nothing for them. It was so bad that I had their friends calling me telling me I had to help my parents. Drove me to therapy for a few years.
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No, Iâm not an only child, but my sister lives a couple thousand miles away. She is helpful, supportive, grateful and does whatever she can, I couldnât ask for more. Hearing these stories of how itâs never enough sound so unfair. I am fortunate that my mom at least seems to be grateful for whatever I can do for her, though often I feel like Iâm accomplishing very little.
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And thatâs why Iâm flying down to Austin when my dad has surgery on April 11. I donât really think Iâm needed since his caregiver will be with him most of the time, but my local sister requested I come so I will.
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