@busdriver11 That’s so good to hear you have support from your sister. Being the far away child can have its own set of stressful, but different issues to the local child. Of course,there will be some not local that will ignore all of it and will not help much, if at all. That is a different story . But many non local siblings do try to help, like @MaineLonghorn is currently doing.
@CTTC , I was the out of state, hours away child that went for weeks at a time from my home to help my sister with my mother’s care in the last few years of her life. One thing after another in the last 5+ years. My youngest child was still in 9th grade when everything started with my mother. I left my husband and son multiple times to help with my mother. My sister and mother refused to get outside help for the first 3+ years, and I essentially was my mother’s caretaker while my sister went to work. I looked into lots of local services which they refused to use for years. My sister never married or left our parents’ home. It was very stressful and I missed being in my own home to support my son in his later high school years. Just another perspective. There are lots of adult children that do try to help, even if they are not local. But, the local sibling does tend to do the most in most cases, that’s for sure.
@compmom , you just mentioned one of my gripes with so many senior facilities. I’ve seen many facilities where the corridors, rooms, doors, etc. all look alike! They are often fancy places, but have little to differentiate one wing from another. It seems like such an easy thing to think about when designing!
I’ve toured a number of facilities (both when researching for my own parents, and as an architect). My other gripe is that many seem to be more designed for the care giver, the family, etc. than the resident. One in particular that I remember, was “high end”, with great finishes, luxurious settings, and multiple activity rooms (mini theatre, art room, etc.) No one was in them!
Sorry you had to make those sacrifices. I do know about parental sacrifices, smaller ones (that are important too) that whittle away at the warm fuzzy feelings - and taking away from your own nuclear family. You also were in a catch 22 - it was like nothing was really ‘good enough’ or ‘enough’ despite your sacrifices.
That is, again, a reason I liked the all memory care facility I toured. It was set up with different neighborhods that were easy to tell apart, each with its own living room and dining room.
And I saw residents in every space in the whole place.
For 5 years the fancy living room where my mother lives was always empty, as was the wonderful library. Due to a staffing shortage they now have two shifts for meals, and rope off half the dining room. This results in a period of waiting for the second shift people, who now fill the living room and library before meals- and this has spilled over into other hours of the day as well. Huge improvement due to a staff problem!
As my mother’s dementia took hold she got more and more anxious. She’d always had some underlying anxiousness, but it got rough. What worked the best? CBD drops. Mind you, my mother was very anti drug and one time I stopped a few blocks away to grab more of her anxiety drops and she saw me go into the place with the pot leaf and she was furious with me for being a druggie and a few days later dreamed (thought was real) that I had just gotten out of jail. I was the bigger person, I never told her the CBD was hers But she would actually ask for her drops!
Oh my goodness, nothing is ever enough, it’s like she wanted to unzip my skin and crawl inside. My mother lived with us for a decade and it was not enough because I could not replace my Dad, I could not be her best friend and creating boundaries and not hurting feelings was tough.
I will admit, once she was gone, I had to process a lot of feelings toward her and toward my siblings. Much more than was appropriate was asked of me and while I, intellectually, understand my siblings’ points of view, it also hurt a little bit that they were so cavalier about me having a life.
Yes! Another factor is a relatively new group of relatively with-it residents who by coincidence happen to be nice and welcoming to their fellow residents with dementia. There was a period of time when there was some eye-rolling about my mother. This new group has been at the facility only during the time that meals are divided in two, so sitting in the downstairs areas is the norm for them. They greet my mother with enthusiasm and think she is “a hoot.”
Looking back, are you able to see what the initial signs of dementia were in your loved ones? My mother in law used to read mostly old classics. Don Quixote was a favorite. Then she started reading Harry Potter over and over and over. I thought it odd at the time but dismissed any real concerns. Now I wonder if it was a first sign of the dementia she developed.
With my MIL I first noticed when she would forget to pick up the kids after school. They had crazy schedules, so they didn’t pick them up every day, but she still used to be able to keep track. That was about 12 years ago. We took the keys away after she’s getting lost after driving in the same city for 50 years. It’s not like this place has changed at all. That was roughly 6 years ago I would guess. Her memory loss has been very slow. I’m not sure this is a good thing. She hasn’t been able to remember anything for 5 min for several years. She mostly knows who people are, but not always.
My mom had been a voracious reader and liked playing the piano. She stopped both, I think it was because she couldn’t do either any more. She can read but can’t follow story lines in anything. She can’t even talk about plots of beloved musicals she had seen over and over, including “My Fair Lady.”
She has a very short term memory but thankfully still knows who all 7 of her kids are and our 6 spouses and the 15 grandkids. The 5 great grands are a bit confusing tho.
A second red flag was when Mom forgot to pay bills or cash checks. A third was that she stopped keeping the house neat or doing laundry. Living out of town, I didn’t realize how bad it had gotten until my sister and I went over to help out. Wow. She had always been very neat and organized. It was hard to see.
I’m not a fan of autopay in my own life but it’s definitely a good thing for the elderly. Knowing the water, electricity, phone is staying on is always good. Just keep track of all the services autopay is on for. And find out NOW whatever other services may have already been signed up for auto bill pay. There may be some you aren’t aware of. Cable, spotify, computer anti-virus stuff, amazon renewals, netflix, AAA, magazine and newspaper renewals…a paypal account, ebay accounts…
Get passwords for everything. So many government things like T bills etc are strictly on internet now with only on-line accounts. Make sure you know how to access those accounts or know they even exist. And stocks–all this stuff is on-line. It could’ve been signed up for years ago when parent was in good health and just sitting there now. Pull together whatever records you can now.
Safety deposit box keys, bank account records, wills, life insurance (might be multiples depending on career history). Deeds, car titles. Ugh. Where extra money got stashed for safe keeping.
Yes, when mom stopped being able to write checks and started forgetting our birthdays, it was sad. For dad, he stopped being able to think logically and actually forgot how to operate a car. I told him the car was broken and we would get it fixed “soon.”
(There was nothing wrong, he just forgot how to operate a vehicle. Sadly he remembered later and insisted on continuing to drive until the CCRC said he couldn’t drive on their premises.)
He also couldn’t understand the plot of plays and operas, even ones he had seen many times before. He couldn’t understand the TV shows, even Judge Judy, though he had been a judge and presided over countless more complex cases.
Watching and listening to him try to deal with a voice menu was torture. He also stopped reading—couldn’t follow plots.
All very interesting. My grandmother stopped paying bills and told my mom, at my age you don’t have to pay them anymore. My 91 y/o mom seems fine but has come out with a couple of hurtful zingers and I’ve wondered if it’s a first sign of decline.
My aunt had early-onset Alzheimer’s. It progressed at age 60 from not remembering what day it was, to not knowing what time of day it was, to not knowing different things happen on different days. She became afraid of everyone, didn’t recognize anyone but her husband, not her kids or friends. The ambulance came the day the neighbors found her wandering in the street, lost, right in front of her home. Happened over the course of a year.
She lived another 15 years, and by the end the only thing she still knew how to vocalize were songs she sang as a child with my mom.
I’m so sorry. That is heart breaking especially since it happened in such a short time frame.
That happened to a neighbor of a friend. The man deteriorated mentally very fast but was in great health otherwise. It was extremely difficult .
But she would actually ask for her drops!