H’s mom moved closer to his sister at the beginning of the month. He just found out last night that she is very unhappy in her new place, and she has some very valid reasons. The staff at her former AL was fabulous, and the staff at the new place is less than attentive. As I mentioned previously, H has been cut out of decisions. His S gave him some updates here & there while she looked at new places, and she told him about the facility she had chosen. It sounded nice, and MIL was on a waiting list; they hoped she would be able to move in late June. Next thing we knew, she was moving in mid-April … then suddenly it was April 1 (a few days after we left from our planned visit). We were surprised, but as I said, we weren’t involved (not H’s choice). Well, it turns out that they actually moved her into a different place. SIL said that MIL insisted on moving as soon as she decided to move. SIL now tells H that she had to move her to this place because they had an opening. So here is this 95 year old woman who will probably be moved again in a few months. I don’t understand. She was in a wonderful place & had friends in the area. She would have been far better off being “stuck” there until she got a room at the place that SIL had really wanted. I shouldn’t be surprised, I guess. A few years ago, I found out that FIL was driving while taking opioids. SIL said that she couldn’t tell “my daddy” no. I read him the riot act and told him that he was done driving … and told his health care aid that she was not allowed to let him drive. I get it that it’s hard to parent our parents - I have been through it myself - but we have to do what’s best for them even when they get upset. If the distance to move her wasn’t more than she can handle, I would insist on bringing her to live near us. My SIL does a lot for her, but we could absolutely help & aren’t allowed to. It’s really frustrating. Once again, I am grateful for how wonderful my brothers were through all of our challenges with our parents.
Just curious, but why wasn’t your H the one to lay down the law?
I expect that anything I say regarding my MIL would be blown off by H’s siblings.
It’s so bizarre the people who don’t want/accept help from siblings. I assume it’s some sort of control issue.
I certainly depended on my sister! If only for emotional support at times. One of the last times we went for a doctor’s appointment my dad kept saying “why is your sister going with us? You can do this by yourself!” Of course I brushed it off–“she’s not going for you, she’s going for me!”
And she certainly was. It was so nerve wracking to try to transport a 99 year old (especially one who doesn’t know his own limitations) by yourself and hope all would work out–like getting a parking spot and just getting them in and out of the car. The time before we got lucky to make it back to the house in one piece.
My sis and I shared the day to day care (LOT of driving on my part) and while we needed time at home sometimes we just stuck together at his home for a day or two. For therapy mostly. Who else could you let off steam with? Nobody else really understood the constant pressure.
Thank you for your kind words.
Fair question. My FIL treated me like a daughter (his D was never jealous of that relationship). He took it very well from me (I had an addict brother, so I had the “you could kill your self - or you could kill someone’s child” speech down). I expressed my concerns to D, MIL & SIL when I found out, and H didn’t chime in … so I just jumped in & said that I would deal with it if no one else was going to. They knew that it needed to be done, I’m the kind of person who has no issues tackling things head-on, and no one told me not to do it. They were glad I did it. But my MIL would not take kindly to me telling her anything.
@shawbridge — sorry for your loss. It’s always an adjustment.
@shawbridge I’m very sorry for your loss. Your mother sounds like an amazing woman.
@shawbridge I am so sorry. I hope the coming weeks have some quiet times and healing for you and your family.
Preferred sib and I tag-teamed the doctors yesterday, with interesting results. Local pulmo said not only had they not been consulted, but hadn’t been involved in anything other than “basic care” so would not “be comfortable” weighing in on issues at hand. Thought the GP would be well informed. That “well informed” GP failed to alert any of the rest of the doctors, or push back at GI.
Big City pulmo called my sib this morning to say, oh no, nobody is doing anything without an in person visit to eyeball and 6-minute test. So Dad will have another 4 hr round trip visit to the only doctor who appears to understand a bigger picture.
Takeaway, as always, is never just agree to things that contradict what you’ve already been told. Onward we go.
In my experience, it is rare for any doctor to talk to another doctor, meaning PCP to and from specialist or specialist to specialist. Some exception among doctors in the hospital of course.
My sister calls my mother every weekday (on S’s way to work) and she thinks that helps. It really doesn’t. What we need is for her to take my mother places - to the doctor, to the store, out to eat. I live with my mother and I’m tired too. I don’t want to go to the store when SHE wants to go (can’t she just write a list?). My mother had cancer and then fell and broke her hip and didn’t drive for a while and that was okay (except the endless doctor appointments) but she got better and started driving again. She wants the freedom of driving but doesn’t really want to drive, so she wants one of us to go with her. I live with her, and so does a brother, but he doesn’t drive. Another brother lives across the street and he’s great, takes her most places, but this is his busy season.
Another brother lives 3 hours away, but he’s called a lot more in the last two years and she really likes that. He also put in new windows that saved her $20k, and is putting in a new set of French doors. That is helpful.
Sister calling to talk about how wonderful her kids are? Not helpful. Sister’s husband being the handyman? VERY helpful.
My SIL is an over-doer. MIL is having trouble adjusting to her new AL facility, and she’s kind of a mess. SIL planned a big outing for MIL this weekend, with her H, S, S’s fiancée, and fiancée’s middle school age D. MIL bailed at the last minute. She later told H that she just wants quiet visits from a person or two. He shared that with his sister, so hopefully she will try to do that. After the giant birthday party she planned with a bunch of people MIL doesn’t know next week ….
My mom has a geriatrician who is willing when necessary to reach out to other docs and get their notes and speak with them. She did this once to speak with the Gastroenterologist who did biopsy of mom and said it was cancer.
Most of their docs just tell info to patient. I’m pleased that ucsf and our local medical center allow you to give permission to allow the MDs to view notes, test, etc from both medical systems. This really helps!
All my doctors are from one of the big NYC hospital networks and everything is shared among the docs and with me. Last week I had ambulatory sinus surgery (removal of nasal polyps) and saw my PCP a week before. She got me an appointment with a cardiologist due to a lifelong functional murmer, his office did an echocardiogram, and I was approved for the surgery. On Monday I see the ENT for follow-up right after my Covid booster. Easy peasy.
I thought that one of the benefits of electronic medical records were so that at least your PCP would have a record of all of your medical care.
Now I could talk about the amount of patients every PCP has to see per hour and managed care. But it’s a difficult thing to keep everything straight.
I have a MyChart account with my PCP. Everything from every doc goes in there. Every lab test, eye exam, mammogram. All my prescriptions are in there (and I can reorder from there if I use that pharmacy and they’ll mail them). If I need her, I send an email and she gets back to me within 48 hours. I also love telemedicine. I talk to her about 3 times a year and have to go in just once a year, and she orders labs before I go so we can talk about the results.
My friend who just went on medicare was complaining that she’s already having billing issues when she did a mammogram at a mobile service. I never see a bill at all.
My dad is back in his independent living facility. 
. He posted a nice note on Facebook, thanking my sister and me for our help the last three years.
YAY!!! what good news
Sitting here in MIL’s room, watching her sleep. It took forever to get her out of bed when we arrived at 10:15 am. She did go to the dining room to eat lunch, and she seemed to enjoy chatting with the other residents as they celebrated her 95th birthday at the end of lunch. The cake was excellent, so they were all thankful we brought it in. Guess that tired her out, because she’s been sleeping the last couple hours. We leave early tomorrow morning … most of our visit has been spent trying to get her to get out of bed or waiting for her to finish her nap. She has given up wanting to put forth effort, and it’s just so sad. We’ll all keep trying to get her to engage with the world outside her room, but she’s pretty obstinate about wanting to be left alone. It ain’t easy getting old, and it’s pretty tough on those of us who love them.
It really is difficult! My days are spent trying to coax my mom out of bed and she still tries to lay her head down instead of doing anything else most of her awake hours.