Parents caring for the parent support thread (Part 2)

This is really mystifying. I can see that the real puzzle is why she stays unconscious for so long, especially if she is not hitting her head. I hope the camera proves helpful in getting to her quickly but wonder if it will provide any further answers. Maybe if they can do a brain CT and EEG right after the fall…maybe EKG too. Good luck and keep us posted!

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I was thinking the same thing!

This may be a suggestion for parents, or the parents you are caring for.

I keep running across friends’ situations where males (and just today found out about a female) has either not had any cardiac screening, or the funeral I went to today of a 71 YO who had bypass surgery at Vanderbilt 9 years ago, and was seeing a cardiologist in a large medical center 100 miles away, but not having a local cardiologist – so was taken by family to a more satellite hospital ER but not kept overnight – he had an appointment with his regular cardiologist in July. Well he died in his sleep a few nights after the ER visit – which I think if he had my DH’s and my cardiologist in town, that would not have happened – also if he had gone to the main hospital (which has all the neurology, cardiology, and orthopedic MDs - all the better ER care IMHO as well!). His daughter said his heart rate at ER visit showed heart rate of 35! I talked to a fellow after the funeral that lost his wife 2 years ago - she sort of presented at home like flu type symptoms but it turns out it was cardiac – she fell back asleep at 5 pm after he checked on her (she was nauseous and no appetite), and at 8 pm he checked on her and she had died. Women often present different cardiac than men – but why do they not think! The ER visit - the guy had a heart rate of 35 and they did not keep him or send him to the main hospital? I can imagine a cardiologist was not consulted except maybe over the phone. Several other male situations, upper 50’s, low 60’s in age. These guys probably never had lipid/cholesterol screening or regular physician visits. Minimalists who are smart in other areas (engineering or techie guys).

Since my DH’s recent cardiac ablation (at age 65) he has totally now bought in to doing everything as recommended and prescribed by MDs! We have converted a die hard health care minimalist!

I know of one fellow that was in total good health (high specialty MD, retired) - autopsy found he had a congenital heart condition - which was quite an unusual situation/rare.

But all the others - proper/alert family, the right physicians close, pressing for the right care, going to the RIGHT ER! I worked skilled care/rehab at a facility close to this satellite hospital - and we would have to specify sending residents to the main hospital due to neurology and orthopedic services (falls with head injuries - so needing neurology, and falls with potentially broken bones - sometimes hip, pelvis, extremity requiring surgery which is done at the main hospital as well).

I can’t understand sending a patient home with heartrate of 35. That sounds pretty scary to me.

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My dad’s care in 2019 and 2020 was abysmal. We probably should have sued the hospital, a major one in Austin. I’m 100% positive he’s alive today because of my and my sister’s efforts, including getting a paid advocate. The whole situation was exhausting and discouraging. :rage:

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Believe me, the way hospital care is run - a lot due to how they get reimbursed – for many hospitalizations, one needs to have a patient advocate/sitter – which during the height of Covid was really not allowed. The staffing and how things are done.

A friend’s husband (a prominent business leader, self made man) admitted to the hospital for pneumonia, should have been on oxygen and his head elevated with his hospitalization – as well as had someone stay with him at least with his first night at the hospital. Due to having had oral cancer/radiation, and was admitted to the hospital for pneumonia by his physician’s partner who was on call (and was contacted by phone by the hospital for admission) – he had some kind of episode during that night and died after a day or so – no turn around/life support. His brain had gone w/o enough oxygen. He had sent his wife home, and she had no idea how precautions could/should have been done. I told her to call me if she ever needed hospitalization!

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I cannot even count the number of harmful and even potentially fatal incidents I have avoided by being in the hospital with a family member, and I also accompany an older friend.

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Oh, the stories I could tell about the abysmal care my mother received in the hospital. The lack of care directly contributed to her death. My dad did sue, with the hope that the hospital would implement changes to benefit future patients. The result was a routine settlement that I can’t imagine made any difference in the hospital’s operations … despite their assurances that things would change.

Ugh, I’m so sorry. I had no idea how bad things were until my dad’s experience.

I was really nervous about my son being in the hospital, May 2 through June 9, because for the entire time except the last week no visitors were allowed. Sure enough, initially the ER staff transferred him to the local psych hospital without talking to me as I had requested. I later learned that the psych doctors at the hospital with the ER recommended he be kept there, but the ER doctor overruled them and sent him to the psych hospital. They had to transfer him BACK when it was obvious his catatonia was serious. Duh!! If I had been in the ER with him, that extra trauma would have been avoided.

I will say we’ve been very pleased with the psych floor at the general hospital. Just excellent doctors and nurses. Low turnover so they remembered my son from two years ago.

Thank you – yes, that’s the real puzzle. They have done all those tests (EEG, EKG, every scan known to man) but they’ve yielded no information.

Been there with one kid but this is worse!

Preferred sibling presented our parents with a written “business plan” with some action items and “policy understandings”. To wit, preferred, local and me (anger magnet) agreed to outline for my Dad some behaviors he needs to stop — asking Mom to do physical activities she is unable to do, and then being mad at her (“please accept her “No” with understanding that she would say “yes” if only she could”). Also, prioritizing a morning for her activity (she gave up her quilting circle) and Dad (not Mom) being responsible for getting himself a ride to wherever, or simply stay home that day.

I don’t know that it will work, but they took it well and if anyone can make it stick, preferred sibling can. I had called my sibs to advocate for our mother, who is besieged and I kept saying to her “just because he’s scared and feels fragile doesn’t mean he gets afree pass at your expense”. He does better with a dispassionate analysis, which is how this “business plan” was invented.

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Ugh, my dad tended to expect my mom to be able to do things she just couldn’t. I think he finally “got it” after his disastrous surgery in 2019.

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Our dad is still either in denial or too confused.He’s asking her to turn off lights that require astep stool or chair; carry his preferred trash can to the end of their long driveway (it is literally wind proof and weighs about 35 lbs) . Those we fixed by removing thetrash can from the house, installing a pull cord, etc…but it’s like he has completely forgotten her own limits. We’ve been doing a lot of coaching on “saying no” and I have flat out forbidden climbing chairs or step stools. “Blame me” and she has.

My dad was like that too. Even after my mom’s formal diagnosis, he just expected way too much and then got angry when she couldn’t follow his instructions. I was one of the reasons we moved her to a memory care unit as he was screaming at her constantly.

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My dad did that, too. He didn’t want to accept the reality of the situation, and he seemed to think that she would be okay if she just tried harder. It’s so sad when life throws things like that our way.

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So far the only times I have cried was when he yelled at her, and as she turned away I could see she was crying. And he got the lawnmower stuck, and wanted me to push him out (this is a riding lawnmower) and when I said “let’s think about what you are saying” he just looked at me like there was nobody in there.

This is a man who sends her a flower for every year he has known her, carries a note she gave him 75 years ago when they met, etc. It’s just hard to say goodbye when you know you’ve already missed the chance to do it.

Heartbreaking. :broken_heart:

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Thinking of you and your mom. I was able to stay with mine when she went on home hospice before she died in December 2020, and I’m still so grateful to have had that time with her. Hope having people come from church is reassuring to her – a wonderful spiritual advisor from our VNA helped with my mother’s fear. My very best to you and your family.

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Question for those who have been there, My mother is sleepy in the mornings but in the afternoons starts repeating the same anxious questions about where she is going to go after she “leaves here” (she has been at this assisted living for 7 years) and other worries.

The hospice kit provides Ativan, which wipes her out and greatly worsens her confusion, and Haldol, an anti-psychotic that seems to leave her clearer but at the dose I give, cuts maybe 50% of her obsessing. And morphine, which does increase her well-being but nurses ask what pain did you use that for?

My brother started getting the repetitive phone calls because she accidentally deleted me from her phone!! :slight_smile: The same brother who always suggested I not answer is not upset about her anxiety. I told him that I believe anxiety can be a trigger but the repetitive calls seem to be more of a brain/dementia thing where she does not register answers.

Anyway, I relayed his message and the hospice nurse suggested trazadone, but I was afraid it could increase dizziness- one of my mother’s symptoms. I wanted to continue Haldol as needed. The nurse then asked if I wanted to choose between Remeron and Celexa. In my experience, Remeron can be a problem and Celexa deals with depression but minimally with anxiety.

What have your parents taken in this kind of twilight time?

I think my brother wants to sedate her-strongly- to end her misery but she has times when she is engaged, wants to talk, even about dying, and I don’t want to sacrifice those.

Any advice?