We thought my dad was having just an end-of-life rally, but he continued to improve. That was two and a half years ago! His cardiologist called his recovery miraculous. He still gives us a hard time for thinking he was about to kick the bucket, ha. He has always been stubborn…
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Compmom, how did your family meeting go? Hope you snd your brother are on the same page.
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Meeting is on Monday. My mother’s phone calls have always been numerous, part of perserveration. But they are out of control! I read that perserveration (she does it with conversation topics as well, mainly that she needs to “go home”) is not a behavioral problem but instead a cognitive/brain problem. This may be why none of the drugs for anxiety are working. I need to find an expert on this aspect of dementia because the hospice folks don’t seem to know how to address it. Any of you face this kind of behavior from an elderly parent?
This is an article that summarizes some studies of medications used.
I am not a care giver for my mom, but need some advice. Mom is 91, lives alone in a traditional apartment complex. She and dad moved there in 2015 after downsizing from their home of almost 45 years. Dad dies in June 2019. Mom still drives and does most of her own errand; her sister and I both also help as needed. The only larger issue mom has is walking distances; she tends to sit around most days playing games on her computer and watching tv.
There is a Bar Mitzvah out of state that my aunt and I had decided, without telling mom, that the travel for mom would be too much, especially with Covid. When the invitations came out, my aunt announced she already had her plane tickets, and I said I wasn’t going due to work and cost. I convinced mom, or so I thought, that travel was not a good idea.
Mom’s sister told her last week she had planned to stay at their brother’s house for a few day after, but now can not, as their SIL fell and broke a few ribs. Anyway, mom is deeply hurt that her sister never mentioned she was staying with their brother, and is not speaking to her sister. My aunt didn’t understand while mom isn’t speaking; they are very close, so my aunt called me thinking something was wrong with mom. I promised mom I wouldn’t tell my aunt, but I had to let her know yesterday, and she was thinking my had a health issue she was telling about.
Mom did tell me last night that we should not have made the decision for her about traveling, that she was capable of travel and making the decision herself. I think she knows the cost alone would mean she shouldn’t go, but it was her decision to make, not mine or my aunt’s. I do agree we made a mistake there. I think mom is a bit depressed, especially since dad died, but also doesn’t have much of a life. Us telling her she couldn’t travel may have made her feel her age any more. In hindsight, I guess I should have made the effort to attend the Bar Mitzvah and taken mom with me to help with the travel portion. I could still do so, but my son and GD are now coming here that weekend, which will actually be a distraction for mom; my son, so his daughter also, are her favorite!
Now that I typed this all out, I am not really sure what I want advice on, just needed to say it all out loud! The general question I guess it, how do you know when to step in, and when to let them do what they want? How can I help my mom and her aunt repair their relationship? They are both stubborn and my aunt can get very defensive; any conversation will not go well. We can wait until they both cool off, but I am stuck in the middle here.
@compmom maybe if you get her to the pub again, you could make a big deal about going “home” afterward. Announce her arriival “home” as you walk through the door afterward. Rinse and repeat as needed. Maybe worth a try?
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Sounds like you’ve already processed that you would do it differently next time and that you’ve acknowledged that you made a mistake. Has your aunt apologized too? Sometimes that’s the best we can do and then just need to move on.
Such a hard time of life to navigate for everyone! Sounds like your heart was in the right place!
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@momofboiler1 My aunt can not apologize, as she isn’t suppose to know that mom is mad at her. I only told her, after mom told me not to, because my aunt thought there were health issues with mom. She was worried, so I let her know mom’s health was fine, but her feelings were hurt due to aunt’s omission of her travel plans.
It sounds silly when I type this, but you have to know the 2 sisters. My aunt, who is like a sister to me, is a bit of a scatterbrain. She will say things without realizing, or might think she said something, when she didn’t. Mom thinks aunt lied about her travel plans, and made them in advance to avoid taking my mother with her. While this may be partial true, my aunt meant no harm and may have avoiding telling mom in advance to avoid conflict. Or, she thought she told her when she didn’t.
My aunt and I have a bit of PTSD from my dad’s last travel, which was to her GD’s Bat Mitzvah. He couldn’t walk the halls of the hotel, had to have help getting around, and was embarrassed about the fuss people made over him. He dies 2 months later, so while we don’t think mom is going to die, we don’t want to have to deal with that again. Since I am not going, my aunt doesn’t want to have to be the one responsible for mom as her children and grandchildren will be there, and she wants to spend the time with them. You have to know that my aunt and uncle do a lot for my mom, so they are not being uncaring.
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I agree that your mom should have been told that her sister was going to the bar mitzvah but that is water under the bridge.
If you want, this is what I might do. Tell mom, if she really wants to go to the bar mitzvah, that you will accompany her. But her grandson and great granddaughter are coming and it means that both of you will miss them. Let her make the decision and hope she picks the correct choice 
.
My mom is very very sensitive and family means everything to her so I know she would be hurt if this had been her.
And try to get her sister to apologize and acknowledge that she was wrong not to tell your mom.
But this is only my opinion and how my mom would react. It wouldn’t have gone well.
Family secrets never go well. I would tell my mom the truth and tell her that no one was being secretive. That her sister called out of genuine concern and love.
The truth is always better than trying to cover things up. I’ve had to have some uncomfortable conversations.
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@deb922 Sorry if I wasn’t clear; it wasn’t that my aunt didn’t tell mom she was going, it was that aunt made plans months ago without asking mom if she wanted to go with her. It was no secret that aunt would go, just that plans were made in advance. It is silly as my aunt is an adult and can do what she wants, but mom feels aunt was secretive. Mom actually RSVPed to the evite when it came that she was attending; we were a bit surprised that she wanted to go and felt she was able to go. That was when we talked to her about me not going, and aunt already had travel plans. Then this week she finds out that aunt had plan to spend extra days at their brother’s home. I think that was what upset her the most, that she was being left out.
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Got it. Yea, that would upset my mom also. And my mom and my mother in law have lots of time to ponder things and make mountains out of a molehill.
Sorry, it sounds like a misunderstanding and you are smack dap in the middle of it. That’s the worst.
I guess hope that your mom’s feelings are fleeting. But both my mom and my mil get upset about any perceived not being included. They think they can still do everything and forget that it can be difficult for them to get around.
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My dad had a TBI that caused this type of perseveration. SOmetimes it would be “what are we doing for dinner?” Even though they ate in the dining room for every meal. If my mom was at a doc appointment, he would roam around ask everyone where she was. It got very difficult to be around him sometimes because I would lose patience.
Typical tips like “write a note that Mom is at the doctor” or print up the meal times and post them everywhere, did not really help because he did not have the cognitive ability to read that and apply it to his current worry.
The staff was very good about just answering the same question over and over again because (1) it’s their job and they were paid to do that (LOL) and (2) it wasn’t their parent so they didn’t have the emotional connection and sadness to the perseveration.
It’s tough.
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Yes questions about how she is going to get a meal are another topic. And she tries to use cell to call staff. (Uses calll button to call me!). At one point a few years ago I made large posters when shower was forbidden for a few days, and left notes on the shower itself. She put the poster under her bed and took the note down and showered. Not oppositional, just couldn’t absorb them and they were in the way.
I am taking a good part of the day off today. I felt my patience thinning a little 
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The article I linked has drugs used for perseveration. Trazadone looked the most promising in overall studies (although there are not a lot). No idea what your mom is on.
No real advice one way or another but it’s really hard to predict how an elderly person will be traveling unless they have a specific condition that prohibits it. Sometimes you have to ask “is this the last chance to see these family members?” Gotta weigh the benefit/risk ratio.
My cousin told us there was no way my aunt 95 could make it to my dad’s funeral and we totally understood–nobody thought so. Except her. Next thing we knew my cousin drove her down (2 day trip)(he’s a saint anyways) because “she would not be denied”. Period. So glad to see her and I’m sure it’s probably the last time. She did great and it was slow going for my cousin but I think he knew it would be worth it (for all of us).
My dad wanted to do a veteran’s flight to Washington and we looked really hard into that. Never happened–I was too afraid of his heart condition. I’m not sure we shouldn’t have made that happen for him. It’s tough. You do what you can.
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Thanks@gouf78. She has tried trazadone, Haldol, Ativan and morphine (for pain but improves well-being). Trazadone caused very loose, greenish stools.
I read a study on a dopamine agonist, which the article you linked mentioned as helpful specifically for perserveration, but there are significant side effects. Autistic kids who perserverate are apparently given SSRI’s.
I am also wondering about Gabapentin.
On a good day, she is actually bored- being in bed is limiting! Her mind makes any occupation we try, kind of ineffective as distraction. Only conversation works. Which means being there!
I think all you can do it tell her you are sorry that you didn’t include her when making plans, but that you couldn’t go and sister was planning a longer trip to visit with her grandchildren and brother.
Your mother has to accept that she’s 91 and needs extra help when traveling and the sister just didn’t think she could do it for this trip.
We try to give in to my mother whenever she wants something, but sometimes she just has to accept that she can’t participate in everything. I try to do what she wants, but sometimes I’m just too tired to go to the store immediately, or drive here or there. The cat will live without the favorite type of cat food, and we don’t have to have cheese for our pasta tonight.
And having the grandson, G-granddaughter should make it less painful to miss the event.
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I traveled with my parents several times in 2015, as did several on my sibs. It was exhausting for my folks and all of us. My folks had to be carefully watched and their possessions marshaled, including their travel docs and IDs. After the trips, I opted not to take them on future trips as it was simply too exhausting for me and them.
It is definitely a balancing act to decide what people are able to handle in terms of travel. Travel is definitely arduous for everyone involved.
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My mom was offered a trip to see her only surviving family and said no thank you, who wants to sit with someone thinking “I will never see you again after this” . She very much enjoys her digital picture frame, to which her grandchildren can email photos to show her what they are doing. The grandchildren do a great job reminding each other about “picture days” that have a theme (dinner, work, even pajamas)
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