@surfcity, I’m so sorry. It is hard to say good-bye to people we love so much. To say good-bye to both parents in such a short time is extra hard. You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers.
Our mom slowly slipped away for a couple of years, and we slowly said good-bye during those years, but the final good-bye was still really hard!
We were lucky to have the assistance of our mom’s physician when it was time for her to quit driving. This physician’s mom had been mom’s physician before he took over. He was caring for his own elderly parents at the same time. We also said that her last grandson really needed a vehicle, so she felt good that she was doing something nice for him.
So sorry to hear that you have also lost your father, @surfcity. It is poignant and remarkable that despite how challenging things were for each them, neither one had to face life without the other.
Your thoughtful caretaking was helpful not only to your parents, but also to many of us here as you shared the process of finding the best fit for their needs. You likely have much to tend now; I hope you put yourself on that list, too. Take good care at this sad time.
So sorry for your loss Surfcity. It’s a lot to process one loss much less two.
My mother was 91 and still driving in spite of my brother’s efforts to make her stop. A few days after he unexpectedly passed away, a drunk driver hit and totaled my mom’s car that was parked in her driveway. We always say it was my brother up above that made sure she wouldn’t ever drive again!
My dad passed away a year ago today—in sone ways it seems like forever ago (mostly pre-lockdown), and in other ways, just like yesterday.
So sorry for all those who have suffered losses and even more for those many who have been unable to see and be seen and just be with their beloved elders.
My mom has actually been somewhat improving cognitively with frequently playing word games with me. We talk about the words and what they mean. It engaged her more than movies and other things we have tried.
She sometimes remembers dad died and sometimes asks if we will get him a shot too. She nods and smiles when I reassure her he has ho need of shots in heaven.
I’ve seen this thread for years, and until now, haven’t had a reason to look at or add to it. I’ve been with my terminally ill dad for just two days now, and caring for him is physically and emotionally draining.
Watching him become a shell of himself is so hard. He is also a pretty difficult person in general. Part of me wants to cry all the time and the other part of me wants to scream at him. My stepmom is beside herself all the time. Can anyone relate?
@surfcity, so sorry. I lost my MIL to Covid and my dad and stepmom are still recovering. This is the pits.
We were very fortunate to be able to have a nice celebration of life fir my dad. Literally the day after the ceremony, they restricted gatherings to 10 or fewer. The gathering did help with closure. I can see how tough it might be without closure.
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Part of me wants to cry all the time and the other part of me wants to scream at him.
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Oh yes, I can relate! So sorry, @Lindagaf. I had to take care of my dad and stepmother at my apartment when they had no power at home after Hurricane Sandy. They wouldn’t go anywhere else. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. It led me to find an amazing therapist who told me that it would be much easier to work out my feelings about dad while he was still alive, but still do-able after he was gone, if necessary. It was not easy! But I am so grateful to that therapist.
So, my sympathy and empathy, and hoping you have someone to unload your feelings to at this very difficult time. This thread was such a comfort to me.
I agree that a good therapist can be an invaluable resource. My H’s cousin who is a therapist says he’s been very busy and done exclusively telehealth therapy during covid.
I’m sorry for everyone who has/had a challenging/complicated relationship with oarent(s). Aging and dying are hard enough without adding other burdens.
I worked with a therapist, too, for about 4 months before my dad’s death, and about 5 months afterward. I am taking a break from therapy now, but continue to benefit from the learnings and self-awareness that I gained.
@Lindagaf welcome. You are so helpful on CC and it is nice to be able to tell you, yes can definitely relate.
I waited a month to have a phone talk with a therapist and she rejected me! Said she liked to do 'deeper work." You have inspired me to find another one. Caregiving my mother has been 7 years now and she is getting more difficult.
@lindagaf my 92 YO FIL has been in skilled care for under 2 years (and he liked being waited on so it was a great fit for him) - the COVID was difficult as he is social and missed the interactions. He got COVID in Dec and was doing OK, but then really didn’t want to fight - he took ‘comfort care’ not realizing that w/o IV he was going to slip away, first into a nonconscious state (they could tell he could hear what they were saying and responded to holding his hand) and then coma - and he died 7 days after becoming unconscious. Who knows if he suffered during this time or not.
MIL remained at home with care coming in - not enough care, but the only one she would allow besides her son who lived in area and managed things for the parents. She had declining dementia over the last 4 years - such that she treated me like a disliked servant (my one daughter was with me on two visits and could witness it) so I didn’t make the trip beyond when I wanted to be around my daughter/grandkids when they were there on two occasions. During the 4 years, she had limited mobility with her walker; at first she could go from bed to bathroom to kitchen to her living room chair. As time went on, less and less physical ability. She will be 92 in March. The plan was to move her in with dad at skilled care, but then COVID hit. Her one caretaker became out of commission, and with DH’s ‘retirement’ he was a primary caretaker along with his brother that lived nearby. The other two brothers came before the dad died, and both came before the skilled care transition. She fought it all the way, but beating a dead horse. She could barely go 5 steps with her walker; sometimes needed two to get her off the toilet. 24 hour diaper changes for urine.
Sending her flowers today.
Her hearing is super bad but she wouldn’t adjust with two different tries with hearing aids. They now use headphones plugged into her phone or for her TV amplification so she can hear.
Many times she doesn’t pick up the phone. It may be the dementia or may be she is mad. However the skilled care facility knew her and were very welcoming. We know she is getting good care.
BIL who lives there was surprised how much time it is taking for him to ‘decompress’. DH being away from the area, and with intense periods when he was there is taking less time to decompress. However DH has a upper respiratory infection that is hanging on - probably due to less bounce back having also had COVID in Dec (a given with the dad contact).
@surfcity–my sincerest condolences. I can’t imagine how much grief is being felt.
@Lindagaf – Way too many here relate! It’s tough to take care of elders even when all is going well. The role reversal isn’t easy at any point. If you have anybody to just listen it’ll help. My sister and I commiserate all the time–just enough to jump back in and continue on with a smile. It’s always a reminder to ta"ke deep breaths and do something nice for yourself so you don’t get sucked under.
@compmom – Your “therapist” did you a favor. She obviously has NO idea about your situation and no idea how to help. I was on this thread often (part 1) when my dad was in bad shape after a hospital stay (fine now I’m glad to report) and talking here kept me sane. Some good advice but mostly hearing from others who were battling the same things so had a lot of sympathy was my best therapy.
I found a great support group (Zoom) after going to a lecture on dementia.
For all of us there is much to navigate. I try to examine the role I am playing (versus siblings), gender roles. my history of parentification as a child, my mother’s extremely flawed parenting, and the maternal feelings that her dementia stirs in me. Is that deep enough?!
These are things we don’t talk about in support groups (surprised I put it here on the forum) and a therapist can really help, as well as with the day to day stresses.
Sending sympathy, @surfcity. I have been so frustrated by the changes in CC that I haven’t been on in quite some time. I hope that your happy memories of your parents will soon overtake the painful ones.
Thank you all again for your kind words . . . it really does help.
@Lindagaf you are NOT alone! Please feel free to ask general or specific questions here, I know at different times I asked very specific “Has anyone ever . . .?” type questions and people were great.
In addition, therapy can be very helpful. My H insisted I call someone when he came home and I was attacking the clothes dryer and screaming at it, after I’d had a week of difficult days with caring for my parents. I thought How can therapy help, she can’t cure my parents’ illnesses? But of course, the idea is to help you process what you are going through. And I learned a lot about myself and my relationships that is still helpful.
I may go back to get help processing losing both parents almost simultaneously.
@HImom I remember when your dad died and your worries about trying to hold a funeral with the looming coronavirus scare heating up. It’s been a year? Wow. Glad your mom is still doing okay.