I think that sometimes an elder feels they do not have a peer group that they’d listen to that would positively influence their thoughts and behavior.
They don’t listen to their kids.
But surely their deceased loved ones would encourage them to visit family, friends, go out while they can, etc.
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Are there any social worker types/elderly care volunteer groups? Did she have any hobbies before becoming so insular? I mean, crocheting or scrapbooking - something easy like that.
Maybe someone doing an oral history of her life might spark her. I have read about these; not sure where you’d start to find someone. Local college or even a high school with a kid looking for a project or Boy/Girl Scouts?
Word search puzzles - those are great for keeping the mind sharp and maybe that’s a starting point, like even a Facebook group that might encourage participation.
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I read a bio of a family matriarch who lived >100 years and she was quoted as saying along the lines of— a certain sadness settles in when you are in your 90’s because your contemporaries have all died and you are left behind.— Then often at that age children start to die especially sons. My 92 y/o mother expresses a readiness to die. Her mind is intact and she lives independently but is tired.
@compmom, hope your mother remains comfortable. She might not be able to respond but may well understand the loving things you are saying and doing.
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The very elderly are often in pain that they’ve dealt with for decades. I’m 61 and have daily pain and I’ve noticed that just stubbing my toe or bumping something is much more painful as I get older. Can’t imagine what I’ll feel like in 30 years.
Both my grandmother and MIL lived to be into their 90s and expressed that they were ready to go, I believe from just dealing with pain (both could walk until shortly before they died). They both had good social support.
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@momoffour thanks for that. The hardest thing is that I didn’t know it might be our last conversation. She woke up but her eyes were distant and she could not respond. I will keep stroking her and talking softly.
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My 91 year old father who lives in assisted living is usually good cognitively. He does get hospital brain where he is very confused. He called me last night from his AL and mentioned that he doesn’t know where his car is. He sold his car several years ago. I told him that he had sold it and who he had sold it to. He called me back about an hour later to say that he remembered selling it to that person (but also remembers driving after that time.) It is always difficult to figure out the correct thing to say when he is confused. I am glad this time I just told him the truth, because that helped him remember.
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I used to be a hospice volunteer and had an unresponsive former minister as a patient. I hummed and quietly sang the few hymns that I know for awhile and then stopped. He muttered- please don’t stop. 
whoa, he had been unresponsive for several days and died soon after.
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@Hippobirdy I think that’s it exactly. It takes effort to spark a friendship, and I know that my father felt like it really wasn’t worth the effort since he or his new friend would likely die or be incoherent before too long. I am sure that @brantly’s family member is happy to be in the presence of people they know, i.e., family, even if it seems like they are not engaging.
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My mom is 93 and bonds with us her family and the daily caregivers. Making conversation with others is too much work so she smiles, waves and nods but that’s it. We are grateful she seems to be pain-free, so that’s a great help. She has very very short term memory issues but knows all of us, our spouses and kids. She does have more challenges knowing the 5 great grandkids.
So many poignant, ambiguous moments here. My heart goes out to all of you. I have been there, as have most who love and/or assume responsibility for their senior parents.
@compmom- sorry for the pain and challenges. You have walked beside your mother in love, tremendous advocacy and sophisticated understanding. You are a gift to her every day. I found the flip side of being deemed ‘the gift’ was the gift I received from walking the walk with my parents all the way to the end. I can hardly write about it without cliches, but the experience was anything but trite and has informed my life going forward. When my mother received a terminal diagnosis and her health decreased over 16 months, I remember taking her hand and saying, “There’s nothing we can’t do together.” There is so much power, peace and love in what you are doing.
May there be comfort and confidence in how you are navigating this time. You are preparing for a loss amidst uncertainty. And yes, there is the pain. Grief and the sadness that there may be nothing more to do on a loved one’s behalf beyond honoring their memory. You have structured much of your life around her daily needs. Be kind and caring to you. Few are fortunate enough to have someone so capable by their side through so much. Thank you for all you share here and all the best.
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This forum is incredible.
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I so admire the many folks who are accompanying their elderly loved ones through this confusing and challenging time as they get weaker and more dependent. It helps us be less alone and the lightens the challenges that we share it. Thanks, everyone!
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Beautifully said Travelnut.
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Just a reflection on hospice. What is a natural death? Suffering? Hospice is not really “natural.” Hospitals do medical interventions and I am finding that hospice also does interventions- palliative ones aimed at comfort. However, the palliative measures also have consequences.
My mother arrived at hospice in extreme pain but able to talk, notice the beauty of the room, and admire the young EMT’s (!). To address the pain, she has been on meds that basically obliterate her.
She can no longer leave her bed or even move (yesterday she walked to the bathroom), her eyes are blind and she is very agitated if awakened by repositioning or whatever. She now has a catheter because she cannot go to the bathroom or even sit on a bed pan.
She looks dead already when asleep, which is most of the time now.
But when agitated she yells out my name repeatedly, and I stroke her hair and hold her hand on her chest but she stares at me unseeing. I cannot comfort her. The nurse said she was trying to stay alert for me so I went to the couch and waited for her to calm down.
I want to talk to her! Just one more time. I asked them to do morphine only, no Ativan, in case that was possible. She ended up with the Ativan. Can we not reposition her and leave her alone and omit the Ativan?
Here is what is happening: she cannot swallow due to the meds that address her horrific pain. So she cannot take the pills, like Coumadin, that keep her okay- and she could have a stroke without the Coumadin.
More importantly, she cannot live after 3 days without water. If she can’t swallow, she can’t drink and she will die quickly. She has no interest in swabs (but yesterday without meds gulped cool water saying how wonderful it was).
Basically we are trading consciousness for pain relief. The pain relief is accelerating her death which will be caused by factors not present before the meds.
There is no answer here. I will ask about a middle ground (and I did advocate for morphine only today) but things have gone too far.
Comfort is the right thing. But it is hard when you don’t even know what the pain IS or what is going on in her body. I hate sitting next to her and missing her already.
I am sure others on here have dealt with hospice. It is not a natural death, as I previously thought, but it is a more comfortable one.
The people at hospice- all of them- are extraordinary and I am totally behind hospice philosophy. It is just the fact that it still requires interventions that cause a chain reaction. It feels so out of control!
Big big hugs. There is a trade off when trying to keep someone pain free. But I believe it’s a blessing having pain meds to ease the transition. I’ve see a family member with extreme drug allergies die in agony and it is something that will never leave me. It’s rare that people just pass peacefully in their sleep especially because there are so many medical interventions that we do along the way to prolong life.
Know that your mom can still hear you even if she can’t respond and that you have been an amazing advocate and daughter.
Please take good care of yourself.
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This is so hard. That’s how my dad died. Offer her the swabs when she is less agitated. And talk comforting talk. Good luck tomorrow advocating for your mom. My dad was ready–as soon as I told him the latest about my daughter, he let go as soon as I left. But my dad was always stoic. Your mother is your mother, and you know her best! xoxoxoxo
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I am grateful for the drugs hospice provided that allowed my mom and my brother to complete the process of dying pain free. They were actively dying already, though. My FIL, OTOH, was not actively dying when hospice took over. But he was near the end of his life, and he was in a lot of pain. He had a host of drugs for his Parkinson’s and other assorted issues. The first hospice did not properly manage his pain, and it was awful to see him suffer. They didn’t want to hasten his death, I guess, but the pain actually contributed to his downhill spiral. We switched hospices, and the new doctor prescribed drugs that finally relieved his pain. Yes, the drugs took away his ability to interact with us … but we preferred spending his final days comforting a peaceful drugged man to spending them telling him how sorry we were that he was in so much pain. Sometimes the choices we have in life aren’t pretty.
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@compmom, your mother raised an amazingly caring daughter. Big hugs to you.
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I recall reading this article about the process of dying written by a local doctor and thought it would be worthwhile sharing here.
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This hospice is wonderful (I volunteered for them), grateful for pain relief, and I expected to lose access to her while dying. I just didn’t expect it to happen so fast! I just miss her already. Thanks all, and I hope everyone has a good day today.