I send my sincere condolences to you and your family. May she Rest In Peace.
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My heart goes out to you, @compmom . You helped your mom through her most difficult time, providing love and comfort. May this knowledge give you peace as you process this finality that came so quickly. Hugs to you.
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@compmom My deepest condolences. Iâve watched on here as you cherished your mom, and I hope thatâs only one of the many things that comfort you as you mourn her. Blessings to you and yours.
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@compmom Deepest condolences to you and your family.
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Thank you all. My motherâs body never started the slow down process: her heart stopped or it was her aortic aneurysm, but in the end, both sudden and peaceful.
Best wishes to all in your journeys!
@compmom, I hope you were able to sleep some and also hope you have help retrieving your motherâs things from her AL home. Take care, lots of emotions to process.
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As the nurse said - some die with family at bedside and some die when family steps away.
My dad died when mom and brothers stepped away and my sisters told dad it was OK to go, and he died. Peaceful.
My mom had my brother and sister at bedside, and when they stepped away to prepare themselves some lunch (at home, hospice for only a few days) she died. My sister said momâs face was glowing with a smile.
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@JustaMom5465 , how is the aid working out? Itâs an adjustment for sure. My Mil complained but eventually got used to having people in the house. The aids cooked but didnât do housework though they did some voluntarily just to keep busy. They played music and took Mil outside to sit on the porch. No driving or errand runs. They were a huge help and stayed for three years until milâs death.
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Oooofffff. It was a disaster! Mom came home from SNF on a Saturday afternoon and I ended up calling the agency to get the aide removed from the house early Monday morning. Iâve never had such a stressful time. Momâs been alone in her house with my help since then⊠Doing pretty well! We met with a locally-run agency today, which employs seniors (average age 64) and arranged for someone to come in for several hours 3 days a week. Mom is so much comfortable with that arrangement. Between the new aide and the visiting nurse, PT, OT, and shower aide (provided by the healthcare network) sheâll have lots of eyes on her!
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@compmom, Just saw your post. Iâm so sorry for your immense loss. Youâve been a fierce and loving advocate for your mom for so long, and your efforts gave her more time and quality of life.
Take some time for self-care. Itâs been a long and difficult journey for you, too.
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My friendâs MIL (lives next door to them) has home help 3 days or so per week. âThe ladiesâ come, get her breakfast, one day she has a shower, they help with her laundry (and make her fold it too). The set out her lunch, etc.
Before covid, theyâd take her to get her haircut, sometimes to a doctorâs appt. MIL is 99 years old. She really hasnât left the house since covid except to get vaccines, maybe to go to the dentist. Friend and her husband got a great gift a few years ago when her nephew, his wife and kids moved back to town. They now do dinners 2-3 nights per week and can help to bring Mimi next door for a family dinner (wheel chair, no ramps, so takes a village to lift and tote). Son (friendâs H) is 72 and has had a bad health year himself, so he needs more help to help his mother. She could not live âindependentlyâ if her son didnât live next door (groceries, pharmacy, getting her meals most of the week, bringing in mail, shoveling walks, grass, sprinklersâŠ) He also works from home.
So there are good aid programs out there. I think theyâve had the same two ladies for 5-7 years. Another thing they love now is the medic service that comes to them rather than having to go to urgent care. They send a nurse and emt/paramedic and can do most of the stuff theyâd do at the urgent care like give fluids (or remove fluid build up) and determine if a hospital visit is necessary.
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@compmom Iâm so sorry. What an amazing daughter you were to your mom. I will be thinking of your family during this sad time.
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@compmom Iâm so sorry to read this as I am catching up on this thread. You were a loving and fierce advocate for your mom for such a long time. Iâm very sorry for your loss.
As I read each personâs story, itâs clear that there are no easy solutions as we deal with our aging and ill parents.
Iâm in the middle of deciding whether to bring my mom (with Alzheimerâs and vascular dementia) back home or have her stay in a nursing facility. Iâve spent 9 1/2 years caring for her in my home. I had several âlinesâ in my mind that when crossed, would prompt me to place her. But I never did. Although sheâs been incontinent for 5 1/2 years, she could still walk until three weeks ago when she got sick. She canât stand or walk now and canât follow the directions to try. She went to the hospital, then rehab, and is now spending some additional time at the facility while I assess our options.
This is a part of life that hurts and where I think âI want my mommyâ, but there is no one left to fill that role. Itâs very hard to be objective when youâve been so intertwined with every moment of your parentâs life for so long.
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@psychmomma yes!
What was your mom in hospital and rehab for? How has the disruption of those stays affected her? Is she happy there or begging to come home (whatever she remembers as home)? Is she in a situation where hospice is appropriate? Does the rehab think she will walk again after therapies?
Is it a good skilled nursing facility? Is it close to you? Could she do memory care instead with a wheelchair? If she came back to your home would she be in bed, or in a wheelchair, and how would your home accommodate that? Are you able to lift her for toileting?
You have been caring for her in your home for a long, long time. I can totally understand crossing lines and still not placing her. But this is a really big line.
I guess the main questions are what happened recently to make it impossible for her to walk, and will that change.
As you know, I longed to live with my mother but before her dementia worsened, she chose a facility. The aides and nurses became like family. I was there every day but had evenings and nights free. I admire what you have done!
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@compmom. I am sorry for your loss.
I was out of the country and not reading along so I am late to the sad news.
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She was in the hospital with an infection, which cleared up a while ago. I thought her infection was causing her inability to stand and walk and cognitive decline, but it appears to be another step down in her disease.
She seems content there. Itâs the facility I used for respite years ago and they were good in the past. It is really close to my house, which is very useful. (Her prior stays there, she cried and begged to come home.)
Itâs such an adjustment to see her in another setting and not have her here with me.
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Glad your mom seems content in her setting. Nice that it is close to your home.
So many on this site are so âin tuneâ with the medical needs and concerns - and seek out proper medical care.
While working in rehab, a widowed diabetic older gentleman lived independent of his daughter. He had stepped on something which caused a sore on his foot. He never checked his feet - he knew he had stepped on something, but wasnât feeling the pain nor really checking on proper cleaning and proper healing
â which is something every diabetic needs to do (checking oneâs feet and toes, especially when there is an injury) - and especially with sensory loss. He went into one hospital through ER and was on a strong combination of drugs until they ran their course, but he still had quite a wound that wasnât healing. There is an out patient wound clinic which he may not have gone to his family doctor to get referred, or he thought he was âfineâ and he would heal on its own. He ended up going through the other hospital ER when his daughter must have seen the wound, and then went on another strong combination of IV drugs until they ran their course and then he came to Rehab. His expectation was that the medications should take care of it all - that they should keep giving him medications, IV or otherwise â either no realization of the things he needs to do as a diabetic with proper foot care and oversight, and/or not understanding the consequences. He had very unrealistic expectations on the medications and not understanding their limitations. W/O healing, he may be facing amputation of the foot or below the knee amputation.
There are older people that do become very stubborn. Sometimes stubbornness keeps them going, while other times stubbornness becomes a real health care issue.
@psychmomma what a dilemma. I think we can all understand how hard it is not to have her in your house with you.
I am sure you are familiar wiht the âstep downsâ in dementia that happen when location is changed, and in this case, twice. Is it possible some of that function will return. Did she get weak in bed?
This is a really tough one.
I donât think itâs an issue of could she get stronger. She possibly could- but her brain doesnât make the connection between the words and the necessary actions. She doesnât know how to stand up. She doesnât know where her legs are. She also sleeps a lot. That had been increasing over time, too. Itâs just a sad situation. Her mind doesnât feel like engaging very much each day but her body is still going.
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My mother was like that June, July, August and didnât eat, lost 40 lbs., never left bed, then Sept. and most of Oct. mysteriously got up half the time. I get that your momâs situation is different, probably radically, not only physically but cognitively. To an outsider, it seems like she needs the facility, but that means early grieving for you in terms of her not being with you in the house. Serial losses seem to be part of this picture for all of us and our parents.
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