Parents don't seem excited...

Parents Forum
1

<p>I'm not a parent, yet I posted this thread in the "Parents" section to maybe get some answers from other parents or others who have experienced this as well. Here goes:</p>

<p>Right now, I am a high school senior in the process of applying to colleges. Ever since junior year, I have expressed a great interest in going away for college. Not drastically far, but far enough. I live in a single parent household, but I see the other parent literally everyday.</p>

<p>Now just for future reference, my mother is a helicopter parent, and my father tends to be the liberal with helicopter parent tendencies (it's now becoming a staple for him, but I digress). </p>

<p>Before I begin the real dilemna, here's background information that I feel will help better answer the question(s) I have: </p>

<p>I am an only child, and both of my parents have expressed a desire in seeing that I am successful in life, and constantly tell me that college is a vital aspect that I should take seriously in order to make it anywhere in life. Both have sacrificed to give me the best that they can from a private school education, allowance, and whatever I wanted (and was reasonable) to my heart's content. Not to sound pretentious, but my grades and the activities I participate in are proof that I don't take what my parents have done for me for granted, and I know will benefit myself.</p>

<p>For the past few years or so, the parent that I mainly live with (Parent A for argument's sake), has been DRIVING me up the wall. Now, I will admit I have drove this parent to insanity at times as well. However, it's to the point of where I wish to go away for college. Now, I know this may sound like the stereotypical "I need to get away from my parents" teenager complaint, but I hope you will not see it as such.</p>

<p>Parent A has expressed a great disdain for me to leave with reasons ranging from behavior and responsibility. But now the conversation has drifted towards tuition costs. I live in New York City, where Parent A wishes for me to apply to the City University of New York (CUNY) college system here. I literally live a few bus stops away from a campus (which is known to be one of the best in the country). Applying to a CUNY school is cheaper (about $4,000+) and I will commute. Parent B (the parent that doesn't not live with me) is passive about it, but seems to be leaning towards me going to a CUNY school, but has willingly paid for application fees (most schools provided me with fee waivers).</p>

<p>I have also expressed interest in a State University of New York (SUNY) school, since I would have to live on campus. Tuition at a SUNY is about $16,000+ (including room and board). One of the campuses close to NYC is Stonybrook University located in the middle of Long Island (which I applied to). The reaction from Parent A was not too good, and reasons for tuition has come up again (although I feel it's way more than that).</p>

<p>I wish to go to a private university/college or to a SUNY school (I've also applied to SUNY New Paltz), just because of the opportunities I feel I'll be able to gain, than staying as a commuter student here in NYC to a CUNY school or a private college in the city. Also, the prospect of staying home is one that does not sit well with me. The discussions between Parent A and I sometimes escalates to the point of screaming matches (mostly Parent A is yelling, while I'm trying to defend my point calmly, but end up raising volume). Already in my senior year, there is no respect given to me while I'm working or even towards myself, sometimes. I'm a sheltered teenager, and the idea of being 20 in college and being disciplined for wanting to go enjoy myself outside, etc. during free time literally SCARES me. Like a trapped feeling.</p>

<p>Now the real issue:
I have received acceptance letters so far from private colleges in the tri-state area (mainly NY and CT), and being given scholarships (the highest was $11,000+ from St. Bonaventure), and instead of being happy for me, I feel that my parents aren't excited one bit. I received a call from the University of New Haven telling me of my acceptance and a scholarship awarded to me, and Parent A reprimanded me by telling me that CUNY is a better option. No congratulations, no "Great job!". One would think that the fact of me receiving a scholarship would help ease the thoughts of tuition, but nope, not one bit.</p>

<p>Parent B gave me no congratulatory speech when I opened my acceptance package from Saint Bonaventure, University of Hartford, etc., either. </p>

<p>So far the only people excited for me are friends (the situation is the same for a friend of mine), teachers, and my guidance counselor.</p>

<p>Despite my parents wanting me to stay home (Caribbean parents like to keep their children close), I feel that college process that should be my call (of course my parents have a say in it), is turning into another "What I must/should do because I'm not allowed to have a choice" situation. </p>

<p>Are there any parents that have felt this way towards their children? Can anyone explain why my parents feel this way? It's to the point where sometimes I feel that I may see myself staying home for college. It breaks my heart to know that the one thing I could have the option (with reason) to choose whatever I wanted could be gone.</p>

<p>I apologize if this question/short story was lengthy.</p>

2

<p>A few questions:</p>

<ul>
<li><p>Who will be paying your college expenses? Parent A? Parent B? 50/50? What portion will you be contributing via work or savings or loans?</p></li>
<li><p>If finances truly are the issue (based on answer to question 1, maybe), is it possible for you to try living with Parent B (if Parent A is truly making you crazy)? Also… if finances really are the issue, could you go two years to CUNY to save money, then transfer to one of your other choices?</p></li>
<li><p>You haven’t mentioned your intended major. So far location, location, and… location seem to be driving your applications. There is more to “fit” in a college than location and financial aid. If you look at it from the academic perspective, how would you rank your available options?</p></li>
</ul>

<p>Finally, you are an only. Of course it is killing your parents inside (helicopter parents that they are!) to envision a time when you are NOT part of their daily lives. Trust me on this one! So… if you do want to talk them into going further away, be sure to reassure them that you will have very regular contact with them (my D calls every day… she is the exception, but it is sooo much easier to have her away when I still chat with her daily). And maybe plan to come home one weekend a month (not more, or you won’t settle in and make friends as quickly).</p>

3

<p>If they’re worried about the cost of a SUNY, perhaps the $11,000 scholarship to a much more expensive school is even more worrisome?</p>

<p>As intparent suggests, you need to nail down the financial issues – if you got fee waivers, I’m assuming that Parent A is pretty low income, and that you’ll be eligible for Pell Grants and federal loans, but that Parent A may not be able to contribute much if anything towards college costs. If Parent B is in a similar position, then a big question becomes how much gift aid you can get at a SUNY or any other school, because there’s a big gap between Pell grant limits and the COA for SUNY, much less the private schools.</p>

<p>Does going to CUNY necessarily mean living at home?</p>

4

<p>Thank you for answering. =) Forgive me if I wrote my parents as A and B. I don’t want to say which is which for personal reasons.</p>

<p>1) Ever since I was in Pre-K, it’s been Parent B who paid for my education. Parent A has a job with the city, so we’re not too sure how that will affect tuition, and has said that they and Parent B will pay 50/50, but I hold no concrete truth to that. </p>

<p>2) Living with Parent B has been an option before, but I choose not to for the sake that the issues I have with Parent A may repeat itself, and Parent B is my go-to, calm-headed parent.</p>

<p>3) Academics have been the high point of my decisions. Sorry if I placed such an emphasis on location, lol. I applied to mainly small private colleges, because I went to a very small elementary school and I currently go to a small high school (pop. is under 500 students), and the results I had academically from the school were something that I’m glad for. </p>

<p>I plan to major in Biology, so personal attention is key for me. Also, the closeness of the students is something that I’ve been around for a long time. Although, it’s high school and it has its drama, the fact that we know each other’s names and a little about each other even if we don’t hang out is something that I admire and want in a college.</p>

<p>Many people have told me because I’m the only child (and I’m a daughter) is the reason why I’m handcuffed to the door… on the inside. Lol, I’m hoping that going away will help me breathe and be on my own, something that I feel I desparately need if I am to prove how “independent” I am (a constant argument at home with Parent A).</p>

5

<p>@arabrab</p>

<p>Parent A is the one whom earns more money and through this parent, I’m not eligible at all for any kind of financial aid. I received the fee waivers through the school from my SATs scores from College Board.</p>

<p>CUNYs are mainly commuter schools, they’re just too close for anyone living in the 5 boroughs of NYC to live in a dorm unless they’re out of state. Plus, each borough practically has a CUNY, so traveling from one borough to the next is fairly easy… if the horrid mass transit system wants to be on time for once… which I doubt.</p>

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<p>Instate tuition for a CUNY is the same as instate tuition for a SUNY, so tuition costs are not at issue. It is the cost of room and board vs. living at home that is the difference when comparing CUNY with SUNY.</p>

<p>The difference between the overall cost at a SUNY/CUNY vs. a private school is huge, however. </p>

<p>You might not want to stay at home and attend a CUNY, but if your parents cannot afford the costs of paying room and board, or the higher tuition costs of a private, they just can’t.</p>

<p>What I suggest, however, is that you consider either CUNY or community college for two years, and then pursue transferring to SUNY at that time. Perhaps when looking at only two years of paying room and board, they might find that more doable.</p>

<p><em>hugs</em></p>

7

<p>So… Parent A earns more money (and seems most opposed to you going away). But Parent B has paid private school tuition for K-12. And some past conversation about a 50/50 split, but not any real, concrete discussion recently. And I see no mention of you have any savings, and no mention of plans to work while in school or in the summers.</p>

<p>Like arabrab says, you do not have the finances nailed down. You need to have a sit down with both parents (at the same time) to discuss the financial side of college. Ask them to please put the commuter vs. living on campus part on hold, and discuss what is saved, what is available (eg, I assume Parent B would at least be able to contribute the same as the private school tuition they have been paying), and what you will contribute via working during school and summers (for example, my kids pay their own books and spending money, I cover all else – but there are many variations on this). Then you are in a better position to evaluate the offers you have financially. No point in fighting for something that CAN’T be paid for.</p>

<p>The whole “living on campus vs. living at home” topic has been covered many times on CC. It is a difficult topic. Often immigrant or first-generation college parents in particular see no point in having their student live on campus. There is no easy answer. In general, the more maturity you show (evaluating costs – spreadsheets are good, offering a set schedule for coming home, taking care of your own room and stuff at home now AND helping out around the house in ways you may not have in the past), the more likely they are to relent and see you as closer to adulthood and more capable of living away from them.</p>

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<p>It sounds like it would be good for you to get away, if you can manage it financially. Stonybrook can be a good option, but it’s a very big school with large classes, and can be rather impersonal. SUNY New Paltz is smaller. Do you have the stats to get into SUNY Geneseo? My niece attends there and loves it–it’s public, and very reasonable for instate students, but modelled on a liberal arts college. Her brother doesn’t have the scores/grades to get into Geneseo but is considering SUNY Fredonia, which is similar but easier to get into.</p>

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<p>Not just with tuition reasons, because it that was the case, SUNY wouldn’t too much of an issue.</p>

<p>I think the “going-away” aspect has them irked. Parent A has begged (on the borderline of what may be threatening) for me to go a CUNY, stay four years, then go off to medical school far away if I please, for tuition reasons, which is completely understandable.</p>

<p>But sometimes when I even mention the word SUNY, Parent A gets defensive and tunes me out, literally.</p>

<p>I even asked to go on another tour of a SUNY school (I’d already visited Stonybrook with a program I’m in) and the response was that Parent A will never see a school with me that was not CUNY, knowing that I have no other way to see the SUNY/private colleges with family or friends. Like I’m being forced to only have CUNY in my sights. Parent A has even told me speficially what CUNY schools to apply to. </p>

<p>I have applied to CUNY already as a safety net, but the fact that I’m being reprimanded for even thinking about another college is what’s confusing me, and the lack of enthusiam I receive from both parents about me getting accepted to other colleges. </p>

<p>I’m mostly concerned about “We don’t care” attitude I get from them (especially from Parent A) when I mention schools other than CUNY. And that attitude is depressing me a bit, and makes me question sometimes why am I wasting time applying to these other schools, when in their minds, a decision has been made?</p>

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<p>Rosary, what kind of grades and SATs do you have? And when you say you don’t qualify for ANY aid, do you mean that your parent’s EFC is over $50K? I guess I’m confused as to how you would receive a fee waiver from the College Board if it wasn’t need-based. I’m just trying to figure out the financial side.</p>

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<p>@jingle:</p>

<p>I have looked at Geneseo, but my guidance counselor warned me that Geneseo is very competitive, and make sure I have one safety school listed (New Paltz). I had also looked at Binghamton, but Parent A literally gave me such a hard time about applying to the far away SUNY schools that I was forced to only put down two schools: Stonybrook and New Paltz, at A’s order, while Parent B gave me the $100 check to send off.</p>

12

<p>@2collegewego</p>

<p>With my highest SATs scores, I have:</p>

<p>630 CR
470 Math
500 Writing
GPA: 3.6, but I had my first marking period in Nov., so not sure what the updated score is. Hopefully to a 3.9-4.0, because that report card was gorgeous, lol.</p>

<p>I took my ACTs and SAT IIs this month, so no scores yet. </p>

<p>Parent A does earn more, however, they have NO contribution to my education whatsoever. Parent B has paid for private school since I was in Pre-K, and we hope to express that in detail to the colleges. I prefer not to go in-depth with it for personal reasons and for how public this site is.</p>

<p>I received fee-waivers from the schools I applied to after they found my academic profile on College Board. The fee-waivers were all academic/SAT score based. Sorry if I didn’t clarify that.</p>

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<p>Issue one: a good school for you. If you have the grades, apply to SUNY Geneseo and SUNY Binghampton as they have very strong bio programs. SUNY Stony Brook is a good school, but it is bigger, many local kids attend so the weekends are deserted, and its not as good as Gen and Bing. I believe you still have time to apply to both. </p>

<p>Issue Two: Call a parent conference with both parents present. Explain how much you appreciate their support up until now. Explain that you are trying to make the best descisions possible for you. Then ask them how much they can contribute each. You will need to find a way either from scholarships, loans or working to make up the rest. Really, I think the parent having the hard time right now will come around. Otherwise, you might need to figure out how you and just parent B can pay. </p>

<p>Congratulations on your current acceptances! Figure out the Total Cost of Attendance (TOA) for each school. Subtract the scholarships you’ve received and decide if you can afford it. Good luck!</p>

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<p>If you haven’t already, I strongly suggest you get an estimated EFC. It will help you understand what types of financial aid you can anticipate. The SUNYs can be within reach to lower income NY’ers, thanks to the low cost and decent state aid programs, but you haven’t provided enough info for us to tell if you’ll qualify for need-based aid. Many of the SUNYs offer merit aid though - you didn’t mention your stats but Oswego, Cortland, and Plattsburgh come to mind as having good scholarships. I believe Oswego has scholarships which are geared toward residential students.</p>

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<p>@sk8rmom @geogirl1</p>

<p>If only I came to this site during the summer of my junior year! Lol. But I have taken into account what the both of you have suggested. I hope to get an estimated tuition calculator once I have Parent B’s updated tax return.</p>

<p>My situation is an odd one. I’m eligible for TONS of need-based aid through Parent B’s income, but NONE whatsoever on Parent A’s. And the irony is that Parent B pays most of my expenses from school to personal, in terms of allowance. My goal is to not touch any loans, but I know that’s unrealistic, and if the slightest hint of me taking a loan is knocking on my door, I’m not answering at all and go to a CUNY with no complaint (I’ll complain, but still…).</p>

<p>I read everything I could for the SUNY schools, and had desired to apply for Stonybrook, Binghamton, and Geneseo, but through intimidation from Parent A, I was forced to put Stonybrook and settle with New Paltz. I’m hoping more for New Paltz since it is smaller, and Stonybrook is a hot spot application site for tons of people in NYC.</p>

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<p>I suggest you ask Parent B for the application money to Geneseo and Bing. Apply. Also ask Parent B if they are willing to pay for your instate tuition. If not and you aren’t willing to take on any loans (not a bad choice) then I think you will be going to CUNY. Personally, I would be willing to take on a small amount of debit to get the “college” experience. But that really is up to you. Good luck.</p>

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<p>New Paltz is a very nice school. <em>hugs</em></p>

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<p>Thank you for your advice, everyone. </p>

<p>Throughout the rest of the year, I will be making a pro and con list of going to a CUNY and the residental colleges I have chosen, and keeping the advice I received here in mind. If all else fails, I’ll be riding on the CUNY train.</p>

<p>Once again, thank you. =)</p>

19

<p>These two statements concern me: </p>

<p>“Already in my senior year, there is no respect given to me [by Parent A] while I’m working or even towards myself, sometimes. I’m a sheltered teenager, and the idea of being 20 in college and being disciplined for wanting to go enjoy myself outside, etc. during free time literally SCARES me. Like a trapped feeling.”</p>

<p>“Living with Parent B has been an option before, but I choose not to for the sake that the issues I have with Parent A may repeat itself, and Parent B is my go-to, calm-headed parent.”</p>

<p>Do you have anyone you can sit down with who can help sort through your relationships with these two parents? Parent A’s behavior may be typical parental behavior within his/her cultural norms, or Parent A may be a dangerously controlling person that it’s high time you got away from. If it is the latter, living with Parent B might not merely be an option, it might be necessary for you at this point in your life.</p>

20

<p>@happymomof1 (I giggled a bit after reading your username, fits my “only child” situation) :</p>

<p>I have considered that option, but unfortunately, it’s something that’s a bit complicated and moving in with Parent B might continue to force Parent A and I up the wall. </p>

<p>For the most part, “mediators” that know our home situation well are either family or friends, whom 97% of the time will AGREE with Parent A. I feel that instead of taking their own initiative, Parent A will listen to the opinions of friends and family more than my own. It’s been that way for a long time, sadly. I will give a flower bouquet to someone who at least understands my side of the story, but if that day comes… </p>

<p>Unfortunately, I will be 17 when I enter college, and until I turn 18, I feel whatever I try to do or say won’t carry much clout. I know of a young woman (same ethnic background, our parents have known each other for years since coming to this country) and she’s 21, and still suffers under her father’s (what I like to call) tyranny. </p>

<p>I often joke that the dog gets more respect and attention from Parent A than I do sometimes, which although funny, is sadly true.</p>

<p>So I illusion myself to the fact that I WILL go away (which feels more like "going to STAY) lately), just so that if ever the chance came up, I know applying to all these colleges wasn’t a waste, and I’ll get what I’ve hoped for. That’s IF I get what I hoped for. Because Parent B has started to “guilt” me into thinking more about staying home, that it’ll be tough on Parent A, etc. And in the end, I defend my point with the immature, teenaged, and cliche: “Well, I can’t stand Parent A!”</p>