<p>I just had a huge argument with my dad. He basically said, "I can't let you dorm next year. If you do, you won't have my blessings."</p>
<p>I'm basically like WHAT THE?!?!?!?! </p>
<p>I know the issues aren't money-related, I live in a two story house with a pool, I have everything in the world. (Just to give you a picture, I don't mean to brag)</p>
<p>He told me that he "needed me" at home, and he's "not ready" for me to leave. I have a very long history with my dad that has made me very depressed/suicidal at some times... but I am NOT leaving home because I am "miserable." I want to live in the dorms for at LEAST my freshman year of college to get the full on college experience. Further, I feel like I won't make any friends and I feel like I won't do as well if I live at home.</p>
<p>My dad had always told me he wouldn't let me dorm, but I thought I would just persuade him somehow. And now, he's saying there's no point in debating with him because he will just not change his mind.</p>
<p>Sure my family's pretty dependent on me, I do the washing and drying of clothes, wash dishes, make sure there's dinner, pick up groceries, and take my brother's (one's in hs and the other's at a jc) to school. These are ALL things that my dad can easily do if he wasn't so lazy. If this is the reason why my dad needs me at home, then he's selfish and lazy...</p>
<p>I live about an hour away from the college I plan on attending. Do you think it's reasonable for me to drive an hour to and from college? Also, what reasons would you have to make your s/d stay at home with you (if money's not an issue)?</p>
<p>Are there any adult allies you can enlist (grandmother, uncles, etc)? Don’t ask them to get in between you and your dad, just ask them their opinion. If they agree with you they may feel they can make a difference.</p>
<p>In any case I would go for the dorm if you can, with some weekend trips home to show your dad that you’re not rejecting or abandoning him. As long as you’re doing things for him, he won’t step up. Once you’re gone he’ll probably figure out a way.</p>
<p>Yes! My dad is the ONLY one who is making a big deal about this!</p>
<p>I do plan on coming home on the weekends, and I even told him this but he says it’s not enough…</p>
<p>I’m really torn. I really don’t want to upset my dad but at the same time I feel like I have to in order to make the most out of my college career!</p>
<p>First, I’d make a plan: divide house chores between your brothers. Neither is a baby, both should be able to pitch in. Explain to them that your dad’s dependence on you will rob you of an important experience you’re looking forward to. Then take a look at the academic calendar at your school: my guess is, there’ll be all kinds of breaks/long weekends during which you can go home & spend time with your dad, possibly help a bit around the house. </p>
<p>Once you have all your ducks in a row, talk to your dad. Tell him how your brothers will pitch in in your absence. Show him a calendar with all the dates/breaks during which you can come home Tell him that you’ll be home for Thanksgiving, Xmas, spring break, etc. Offer as much detail as you can: show him you’re willing to work hard to meet his needs, but that you’re committed to dorming. In the end, if you act like an adult, he may rise to treating you like an adult. Here’s hoping it works: good luck.</p>
<p>Good Lord, no wonder you want to get away. It is completely unreasonable for you to plan on driving an hour to and from school, unless you are only going a few days a week.</p>
<p>At some point, they will have to survive without you. Really. They will learn how to do the maid work themselves. It’s not like there are little kids in the house, right? Then again, a problem if your dad is paying and will refuse to do it if you move into a dorm. You may have to figure out a way to do it if he pulls his monetary support.</p>
<p>I suggest, purely because we only have one side of the story and you are asking for advice: that you be firm, kind, and stick to your plan. They will get used to living without the family maid after awhile.</p>
<p>Is your middle name Cinderella? Other than yourself, you don’t mention any other female influence in the home. Though I think it’s great that your Dad has taught you well in terms of responsibility, but the two brothers definitely need to step up and assume some of the chores. Tell Dad that Stop & Shop delivers, cleaning services can be regularly scheduled, and there are laundromat services. I applaud your loyalty to the family, but Dad should not be so selfish. Why don’t you show him al these postings?</p>
<p>Did your father go away to school, himself? Does this situation have roots in his own experience at your age? That would be the only almost benign explanation that I can think of.</p>
<p>I think some serious counseling is in order here. I think you should talk to your guidance counselor, and maybe even a school psychologist. You and your Dad could meet with a therapist. If you are under 18, someone can step in to help you.</p>
<p>The experience of commuting is very different from living on campus. It is very isolating and it is harder not only to make friends, but to be involved with things on campus. It is also sometimes harder to get studying done: there is the two hours in the car, but also, between classes, you don’t have a room to retreat to.</p>
<p>This is important. I don’t understand your family dynamic at all. If my suggestions are way off base, then please overlook them, but it sounds like you are a hostage to other people’s needs in your home.</p>
<p>Your father’s reasons are not proper and are totally selfish. But if he’s payin then you’re stayin. Just sayin.</p>
<p>If you want to dorm then it looks like you might have to figure out a way to make it happen without him. If you are as mature and ready as you claim then you need to do it. Basically it might come down to borrowing money to live on campus. Will he still pay for tuition? </p>
<p>Is it worth it? How important is dorming to you?</p>
<p>Driving your own car one hour each way is almost certainly too far to commute. It could be justifiable if the car, car maintenance, gas, insurance, and time lost to travel are less than the cost of living on campus, but if you go every day that isn’t likely. One hour each way on the train is easier to handle because you can sleep or study during that time. If you are traveling to campus by car every single day, it will be a killer schedule. Especially if you end up with early morning or late evening classes. Your dad needs to think about that.</p>
<p>“You won’t have my blessing if you live in the dorm.” Sounds to me like an immigrant parent who didn’t live on campus when/if he studied in college. If that is the case, you need to find someone from your dad’s community (or at least someone who understands immigrant issues) to help him see that the risk you are taking by spending so much time on the road each day is almost certainly greater than the risk you would take by living in a dorm.</p>
<p>There are a lot of parents on our community who have an attitude similar to your dad, and for many reasons other than the cost of room and board. Sometimes they want their son or daughter around the house to do chores; sometimes they need the free baby-sitting service; sometimes they don’t think their child is mature enough to live “on their own;” sometimes they just don’t want to see their kid grow up.</p>
<p>Whatever the reason, while I think it is unfortunate, it is ultimately up to the payer to make the choice as to whether or not the room and board will be at college or at home. I would also strongly advise you against trying to borrow the $10,000 +/- per year to live on campus (unless your degree is certain to assure you a job that will make it fairly easy to pay off the loan).</p>
<p>Definitely time to talk to your HS guidance counselor, any church clergy, other relatives, your mother. You need to leave home for college. There is time for other adults to convince your father. It sounds like he needs intervention for some problems. Quietly go ahead with dorm plans- pay the deposit et al as they come due. There is plenty of time for you and others to work on this problem so relax and forget about it for now about it once you get other adults involved.</p>
<p>Was wondering exactly what compmom asked in #9. Where is mom? In the house? Divorced? Deceased? How long/why have you been one of the primary caregivers in your home? Excused me for being blunt, but your responsibility is not to be a slave for your dad. If need be, explore other ways of financing your education and skeedaddle outta there.</p>
<p>Thank you all for your responses. I actually asked my dad today what he meant by “not giving his blessing,” and he means that he will not pay for it. He’ll pay for tuition and whatever else but not the dorms. I still plan on my mom helping pay for some. I know I have a ton of scholarships and grants coming my way so I’m actually not too worried about money affecting my college career.</p>
<p>Well, here’s the thing. My parents WERE separated and getting ready to divorce. They suddenly made a change of mind at the end of my sophomore year (2 years ago) and decided to do it “for the kids.” But things have gone straight back to the way they were when they were in a terrible relationship before the separation. Their relationship does place stress on me and I have reminded them that several times. Their relationship is so bad right now that my mom plans to leave my dad as soon as I graduate from hs. My dad knows this.</p>
<p>I had a talk with my brothers and they both think that I deserve to dorm. My dad ended up talking with them to see what they think as well… Apparently he believes that if I leave, my mom leaves. So basically he thinks I’m whats holding our family together right now. I have come to terms that it is NOT my responsibility to hold this family together. I am tired of being put in the middle of their relationship. My mom is going to leave him because he treats her like crap, NOT because I’m leaving. My mom plans to leave regardless of whether or not I dorm.</p>
<p>Also, to whoever asked, both of my parents are college educated. They aren’t immigrants. My dad had a very rough childhood from what my other family tells me. I know he did not live at college. My dad graduated from hs at 16 and went into the airforce. He was stationed all over the world in his youth. It wasn’t until he returned home from the airforce that he decided to go to community college then univ then graduate school.</p>
<p>I do plan on requesting an appointment with my school counselor. However, I’m not sure this will change my dad’s mind as he is very stubborn…</p>
<p>Dorming is very important to me. For me, it somewhat fulfills the college experience. I am VERY independent. I guess you can say I’m one of those kids who wants to “break free.”</p>
<p>Get whatever support you can for yourself. If he is still willing to pay for tuition and other items, and you have some grant or scholarship options, you may find that living on campus is possible. I am so sorry that you are being placed in the position of holding a family together, since that is the parents’ job, or if that is not feasible, their job would be to help support their kids as the family takes on a different form through separation or divorce. Keep us posted and wishing you the best.</p>
<p>Well then it looks like you’ll be securing loans to have that ‘college experience.’ You seriously need to sit down and see how much borrowing ___ will cost you over the years long after your college experience has ended.</p>
<p>I do not believe your father or mother have the obligation to fund your college experience only your college. The reasons he’s choosing are ridiculous but ultimately are not the issue. He’s paying for you to go to college.</p>
<p>My oldest child is approximately one hour from home. She has demanding course work that requires a lot of work with her study group outside of class. I honestly don’t think she could get the work done without living on campus - 2 hours of driving every day would do one of the following 1)lower her grades and she’d lose her scholarships 2)change her major to something less damanding and probably less “marketable” 3)make her a part time student with no scholarships who would graduate years behing schedule. These are not good options.</p>