<p>So, I live about 108 miles from the university where i attend, that is too and from the school. My friend and I were going to get a dorm room and move into gether for this upcoming semester to save on gas money but now she isn't going to do it because she can't come up with the money. But i recently told my parents that i'm going to be moving into the dorms and my dad pratcially through a fit on me for even considering the idea of moving out of the house. He told me once i'm out, i'm out for good and no coming back to live. So now i don't know what to do, should i still move into the dorms and on with my life, get a job and start supporting myself or just stay here with my family and spend all my money on gas and oil changes and things for the car. by the way, i am 21 years of age... i just don't know what to do now. any suggestions?</p>
<p>That is quite a commute! Will your parents continue to assist you with tuition and other expenses if you move out, or will they cut you off completely? You may need to play by their rules just to stay in college from a financial perspective. Any idea why your father is so adamant about this? He sounds very controlling, so when it is financially viable for you, either now or after college, I do recommend that you move out and live independently.</p>
<p>I could understand him wanting you to stay home and save money if you were going to a school a few miles away but your commute is really far even by Texas standards. I would be concerned about your safety driving that far every day by yourself. Not to scare you but you could have car trouble, get in an accident, fall asleep driving, etc. Could your dad be worried about you bouncing back and forth moving out and then moving back? Have you figured out all the expenses involved with the dorms versus commuting? How much are you paying for now? How much longer do you have to finish your degree?</p>
<p>Maybe you could try talking to yur parents in terms of how such a long commute is a safety issue. How many hours of driving will you be doing every week? If you’re taking a full course load, and especially if you have a part-time job on top of that, you might wind up becoming very seriously sleep deprived which in turn will have an impact on how well you do in your classes. Plus gas is going to get a lot more expensive, so commuting might not save all that much. If your mom doesn’t have the money, might she consider cosigning a loan for you? Have you been living at home and commuting? If you have, maybe you could present it to them that the long drives were so exhausting that they hurt you academically and then they might listen. And what would happen if your car required an expensive repair like a new transmission? Ask them to think about that too. Good luck.</p>
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<p>Hey, that’s kind of a strong and strange reaction from your dad. Is there something else bothering him about dorm life, that he thinks he has to keep a control on you? It doesn’t sound rational, let alone safe or economically sensible.</p>
<p>I’m wondering if there’s anyone who can talk some sense into him, whether it’s a brother of his, a cousin his age, a work friend who’s sent a daughter off to college? </p>
<p>I have an intuition here that he’s just wanting to keep you home and safe from outside influences, but in so doing, he’s making you have a high risk factor on the highways every day. </p>
<p>Can you or a male friend find out what on earth is bothering him so much about your living in a dorm? I think he’ might be using finances to cover up some fears here.</p>
<p>I think there has to be more to this story that the OP has posted.</p>
<p>smitty, what year are you in college? Have you been commuting the whole time you’ve been in college to the university that is the 108-miles-round-trip away? Who is paying for college, you or your parents? Where are you getting the money to pay for gas, car insurance, oil changes for your car, etc? Have you ever been in serious trouble (drinking, drugs, etc.) or had a medical condition or illness that required close parental supervision (cancer, anorexia, depression)? Have you been in college since the fall after high school graduation?</p>
<p>It’s hard to give you useful advice without knowing more about the situation.</p>
<p>First thing I’d suggest is, try to keep it from turning into an argument. Find a time when he’s in a good mood and relaxed, and ask him if the two of you could go out for a bite to eat and talk about the dorm decision. </p>
<p>I recommend going out because having this talk at a restaurant should be a moderating influence to keep it a discussion, not a fight.</p>
<p>Once you’re settled, I’d suggest opening with something like this:</p>
<p>“Dad, I know you’re opposed to me living in the dorm. I don’t want to argue with you, because you’re my Dad and I respect you. But I’m not clear on exactly what you object to about the dorm plan. Can you help me understand where you’re coming from on this?”</p>
<p>If he absolutely refuses to discuss it, then you have to weigh the cost of going against his wishes. Is he providing financial support that you can’t get by without? If so, do you have any options (such as part-time work during the academic year, a loan, etc.) to replace the support he’s providing if he does cut you off?</p>
<p>His “If you go, don’t expect to come back” reaction seems really over the top considering that you are 21 and your school is not across town but 50+ miles away. Given your age I’m assuming you are at least 2-3 years into your education, so he would have to reasonably expect that you would be leaving home in another year or two anyway. And if he has <em>rational</em> objections to the plan, you’d think that he would express those instead of just flying off the handle. Is this typical behavior for him when he has a conflict with somebody?</p>
<p>You don’t mention your mom. Is she in the picture?</p>
<p>I’m a junior in college. I’m 21 years old. Its their car I drive, i’m not allowed to take it with me when i move. I haven’t been driving it, i’ve been going to the local off branch of the school, but now i need to go on to the big college to graduate. I will eventually pay for the college after i graduate; its on me. No, i’ve never been in trouble for drinking or anything, i never go out with friends or anything, i have a curfew at 10 pm everynight. And no, i don’t have any illnesses to stop me, i’m healthy. Its just i’m the only girl in the family and this is going to be daddys little girl moving so i’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.</p>
<p>It is hard for parents to let go. I am experiencing that myself with my own daughter. I am trying to sort it through myself - there has been some tension since March, now that she is home is making it more apparent.</p>
<p>I think you could tell your dad that you will need to move out eventually, but moving into a dorm for a few years is a good transition for you. You could learn to take care of yourself without having a lot of other responsibilities. It would be in a controlled, confined environment. Tell him that you could still come home often to see him, or they could make the trip to see you. </p>
<p>It’s important for you to start being on your own. When my daughter first started college last fall, she felt stressed because she needed to take care of everything by herself, aside from her regular school work. At home, there was a safety net for her. We would remind her to fill out forms, make appointments (we even did it for her sometimes), rsvp to events… But after a few months of being on her own, she was managing it just fine on her own. As a matter of fact, when I remind her to do things now she thinks I am stepping over the line (maybe that’s part of our problem now, I can’t get over how grown up she is).</p>
<p>Have a mature conversation with your dad about this. But I do think it would be a good idea for you to move out, considering you are 21 and the commute would be over 100 miles. It’s not easy. I know where your dad is coming from.</p>
<p>smitty,
I hope you can come to some kind of compromise with your dad. I commuted almost the distance you are talking about for two years while finishing my degree, and I would never recommend it if it can be avoided (I had children already and my husband could not move due to his work). Aside from the considerable expense with today’s fuel costs, you are talking about 3.5-4 hours a day in the car, and that is time that would be put to much better use devoted to your academic goals.</p>
<p>Are there cultural issues at work here? I ask because I come from a very traditional Mexican-American background, and it was very hard for my dad to allow my sisters and me any independence. Try to assure your dad that you respect his values and that you have no intention of going off and running wild, and that you hope he will be proud of and support your determination to finish your education. Good luck!</p>
<p>I know it will be difficult but I agree that you need to make the move now rather than wait until you are 40+ years old. Then it will be even more difficult. Have your parents visited the university you are going to attend? If they didn’t go to college they may have some preconceived notions of what it is like there based on movies or TV shows. Perhaps you could take them to visit the dorm and cafeteria you will be using. Also then they might see what a long drive it would be for you to make. </p>
<p>Your situation sounds like relatives (by marriage) we have in South Texas. They really do love their children and don’t want them to leave the house and break up the nice family relationship they have. But at the same time there isn’t a college nearby so it really limits their children’s future as far as access to well-paying jobs and opportunities. </p>
<p>Good luck. I’m guessing things will be tough for a little while but if you put your foot down and make the move it will really be for the best. And your dad might soon be bragging to everyone about his smart college daughter.</p>
<p>With a “dad who doesn’t want to let go,” sometimes it is helpful to:
- Live in an all girl’s dorm.
- Have the dad meet with the adult female dorm director.
You know, and I know, that she is not the matron or chaperone of the building. But she is an adult female with a professional attitude who loves the college students. A “dad who doesn’t want to let go” will see her as someone in charge of the “girls.”
Seriously.
This might help.</p>
<p>(I know you are 21. Good luck.)</p>
<p>Your father is rediculous. I can’t even believe it. You don’t go out, and have a 10 PM curfew? That is disgusting.</p>
<p>I would go live in the dorm anyway. Chances are, it will be easy to find a summer sublet in a college community next summer, so your father’s prohibition against living at home wouldn’t matter. During that summer, you could take summer session courses in order to graduate earlier, or you might be able to find a summer job in the college community. And by the summer after that, you will have graduated.</p>
<p>Leave home. You shouldn’t even think of commuting out of town. You plan on a dorm with all of its rules, not an apartment after all. Have your parents attend the summer orientation parents’ session at your new school where they can have all of their concerns addressed. I do not see how you can be a successful student while wasting 4 hours a day commuting. Your father needs to talk to someone he respects who can point out that you are an adult now with the morals he raised you to have, therefore he shouldn’t worry. BTW- avoid making any promises to him regarding your behavior away at school, such as being in at 10… my son is an expert at not answering questions he doesn’t want to, I know how easy it is to do it. Your father will learn he can survive his D growing up. I have an only child cousin who stayed with his widowed mother until she died of old age- despite a college degree he never left the nest and never grew up. Your father will always find an excuse to not let go, don’t let him blackmail you with threats of losing him, you need to look after your interests, not his. It wouldn’t suprise me to see him change his mind once you have left and show him you still love him with continued communication (do not promise to go home every weekend). Good luck.</p>
<p>“He told me once i’m out, i’m out for good and no coming back to live.”</p>
<p>I know many parents don’t feel so strongly about this, but is “moving out for good” after graduation, and age 21 so unreasonable?</p>
<p>I thought that the dad is saying that if OP goes to live in the dorm then he/she cannot come back home.</p>
<p>There must be a way to convince him that the dorm is safe and secure.</p>
<p>You say you will eventually pay for college; does that mean your parents are paying now and you will pay them back? Would your father therefore withhold your tuition if you left? If it does not have any adverse affect on your going to college, I would leave. Tell your father that you love him/your family and you hate to go against his wishes but the commute is too long for you to be able to handle and get the grades you want/need. And then go ahead with your plans to move out. Most families do not want to lose their child and so once he has gotten over your disobeying (in his mind) him, he will rally round, I feel sure. Where is your mother in all of this? Age 21 with a 10pm curfew is actually quite unbelievable.</p>
<p>this may sound insensitive, but…</p>
<p>good lord, get the hell away from your dad!</p>