<p>Did she have an outside of school interest while still living at home, do you think she could hook up with a similar group locally?</p>
<p>Maybe she could volunteer some time working with children, (local Boys and Girls Club afterschool programs, Big Brother/Sister, hospital, church group, etc.). </p>
<p>I remember working in our college library. I met a lot of folks there. Maybe she can work and/or volunteer somewhere on campus that would give her contact with others who may have her same interests. From your first post, it seems like she did try, (clubs), and it did not work out. She just may need a little loving nudge to try the "out of the ordinary" social avenue. God Bless.</p>
<p>Every school has a counseling dept. and often they provide not only 1:1 but groups. Since she had the willingness to try clubs she just might be willing to go to a support group or see a counselor on campus. If they need to refer to someone in the community, they can help her with that. Often it is just making that one friend that can make a difference. My D had a miserable time her first semester and ended up transfering midyear. Those phone calls are so concerning. One question that can give a lot of useful information is -who does your D eat her meals with?
Gives a pulse on how alone she is...</p>
<p>Sueme, I put that out there because there was something in your description that sounded familiar. Otherwise, it is unusual for a 19 year-old girl to not care about her appearance or want to look feminine. If she used to care about her appearance and is now giving up, that's otherwise considered a classic sign of depression.</p>
<p>But I've got gay relatives, friends and neighbors who wanted conventional lives with children and some have them, so that goal is not incompatible with gayness.</p>
<p>In VT, it is not unusual for girls (or their Moms) to not wear makeup or care about their clothes a lot. I don't know where OP is from, but not all females spend a lot of time on their hair, toenails or clothes. I'm not being hostile, just realistic. If my husband cared about those things, he wouldn't have married me.</p>
<p>Yeah, she is not a girlie girl but neither am I, I am more the athlete type so she did not have a girlie girl role model....She is clean and dressed gender appropriate just not as other girls her age dress (provacative?) Jeans, a top and sandals. I appreciate the heads up on that and certainly you never know but, I have seen such children and they are very obviously conflicted in my experience.</p>
<p>Volunteering is a great idea. to get her into the greater good, not all about me mentality. A visit is in the works....and we can address a lot of these issues.</p>
<p>I would encourage D to go through the process of applying for a transfer. She still has time until the spring to make a final decision, but she needs to get the ball rolling or the option will not be there. If nothing else, it should be therapeutic to imagine herself elsewhere.</p>
<p>By spring, therapy will have helped her come up with a strategy to move forward, and if she decides that transferring is a good plan she will have a place to go to.</p>
<p>A club that is good for her would be a club where the memberes say "Hey! Welcome! We're glad you are here!" so here is my do-gooder clubs spiel again. She should go to meetings of a club whose focus is some sort of community service activity. Members of clubs like that are very open and welcoming to new members.</p>
<p>If her college doesn't have a habitat for humanity club or a club that works at food banks, soup kitchens or APO or Big Brothers/Big Sisters, maybe she should transfer the heck out of there! :)</p>
<p>(If she happens to be religious, religious affiliation college clubs are also very welcoming to new members.)</p>
<p>Sueme, I probably should have said -- in spite of the online name here -- that I'm a woman. I couldn't get "wisemom" or a bunch of other screen names I tried because they were taken. So "wisedad" worked. </p>
<p>I'm actually the 50 year-old mother of a teen boy and girl, and I'm worried about sending my quiet one off next year, which is why I clicked on your thread when I saw it. And can totally identify with how you feel in this situation. Your D has a great parent in her corner.</p>
<p>FWIW I would encourage her to find and join clubs where meeting with other club members is not the primary purpose. An athletic club (equestrian, rugby, intermural sports) or social service club (helping at schools, big sister, shelter volunteers) will get her out of her room and involved with life, and incidently help her meet others. Regularly scheduled activities where not everyone has to be there are much easier to get involved with.</p>
<p>OK, I'm going to guess that your D's at D [ based on the mention of summer session, but I could be wrong]. My son, who sounds like your D's twin [ happiest with the geeky smart kids in HS] was also accepted there, but decided not to attend in great part because of the subtle "if you're not into drinking then you don't fit in" feeling he got from Dimensions.[ the physical isolation of D was another factor] I agree that your D should consider looking into transfering to another college where partying is not a priority and there is much more to do on campus and nearby.</p>
<p>Another vote for volunteer or "sociable" job.</p>
<p>I was EXTREMELY shy when I was younger. I still hate big parties and gatherings. I force myself to do these things when necessary, but only because I feel I should. However, I find it easier to attend when there's a purpose. For ex. one of the few parties I enjoy is a friend's Christmas caroling party, simply because there's something to do (and I enjoy group singing). It's organized fun. The suggestion of a job in the library, or somewhere else where she'd be in contact with people might be helpful, and a good way to ease into more social situations. Do you think you could talk her into something?</p>
<p>The visit will be a good opportunity for nonjudgmental listening:</p>
<p>
[quote]
Deep listening, compassionate listening is not listening with the purpose of analyzing or even uncovering what has happened in the past. You listen first of all in order to give the other person relief, a chance to speak out, to feel that someone finally understands him or her. ... During this time you have only one idea, one desire: to listen in order to give the other person the chance to speak out and suffer less.
<p>I think the advice that has been given already is so good!
One more thought: is her class schedule hindering her making friends?
I'm a UC alum and I know that many undergraduates feel lost and have a hard time making friends in classes with several hundred students. I know this is not an issue at many schools, so it may not be relevant for your daughter. I think an ideal class schedule would include small classes that meet frequently, so she has the chance to make connections. At my college, language classes met five days a week and people really bonded.</p>
<p>If it is D, there is a co-ed, non-drinking "frat"--although it might not be called that. I knew two girls from different schools who were miserable there until they joined. They both ended up very happy once they did. Maybe something to look into?</p>
<p>I can't thank all of you enough for all of the sound advice here. I will pay a visit in the next week or so. Listen, have fun and see if we can find a volunteer activity maybe while I am there to join in on.... I think there are PLENTY of activities non drinking but again, the anxiety of dealing with strangers.... inhibits her from getting out there to join in. She is in a very rigorous program and it is very demanding academically. BUT, I think I will suggest either a pt job or volunteer hours every week and let her choose...Thanks again.</p>
<p>sueme -- You stress above that D is not a danger to herself. Not all depressed people are suicidal. Chronic depression can last for years, with low to high levels of anxiety mixing with lethargy mixing with low self-esteem. Just wanted to point that out.</p>
<p>My D was quite the loner during middle school and summers during hs (she went to bs, so was not near her friends during the summer). I was always concerned, but she would tell me, "I'm not lonely, I'm alone." Her pursuits have always been writing and drawing and one really needs to be alone to do these activities. </p>
<p>On the other hand, when she is socially active she is much more energetic and seems incredibly happy. She simply doesn't want to invest herself in finding companions but would rather enjoy their company when life's situations include or introduce others into her world.</p>
<p>It's not perfect, but it's not necessarily awful for her. The listening advice is excellent and so is the involvement of a psychologist. You really do need to rule out depression or another disorder before you can accept her solitary behavior as her own quirky preference.</p>
<p>Baseballmom--very interesting. I think you are right in a way, she doesnt' mind her solo time...but I also know how stressful social situations are forher. She doesnt' even like buying a cup of coffee due to that interaction. There are some underlying issues she needs to deal with. </p>
<p>I am still hoping to visit next week. There are great service organizations on campus she can join. Hopefully I can encourage and help her get started.</p>
<p>Hey, what about hypnotherapy? Ask her therapist if that might help the type of anxiety that occurs in the coffee ordering types of situations. Can't hurt, might help?</p>
<p>i have looked into that....interestingly enough and right after looking at several of the HYPNOtherapist were arrested in our area for sexual battery.
It might be very helpful if a valid therapist was found.</p>