Parents of the HS Class of 2021 (Part 3)

Parents Forum Class of 20xx Community
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CC friends I need help, words of encouragement, and advice. My DD is struggling. Because this admission season was so wild and unpredictable she was one of many who felt the brunt of it. Long story short she is going to school that was never somewhere she really wanted to but it’s her only viable option due to budget constraints. We also asked her if she wanted to take a gap year, or go to community college than transfer but she does not want to pursue those options either. She began to get a little more excited about her school when she learned its program for her major is fabulous… Beyond that she’s pretty meh about it.

Anyways, she’s been struggling because her friends are all very excited about going to college and it’s becoming even harder for her now that we are leaving in 3 weeks. it’s getting very real. Lots of crying and vulnerability with me. She’s extremely worried she won’t make friends. She said it’s really hard to find any joy about it at this point.

Obviously this is heartbreaking for me, and nothing I can really say is going to change how she feels right now. She’s very clingy and asking for lots of one on one time with me. I am listening and I am hugging her and I’ve told her I will continue to be there for support.

My experience going off to college was not like this, so it’s new territory for me. I’d love to hear your stories or wisdom if you have been through similar.

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Is she in a dorm, maybe honors dorm? Is there strong pickleball in the area?

My situation was somewhat similar because my smart, well-off friends questioned why I chose the regional university that I did. It was due to costs primarily, although they had very strong programs in my major. Just like your daughter’s “program for her major is fabulous.” My parents weren’t paying for any college and asked why I wouldn’t go to the community college where my dad taught. The relationship with my parents disintegrated over the summer but they came to a couple football games in the fall and joined the parent’s association.

The short of it is that things turned out fine. I made lots of friends in the dorms. With pickleball, she’ll have another outlet. Come visit for parent’s weekend. Stay close and let her vent. She can have confidence that she has a great program at a very reasonable cost. Visit her professors in office hours and be engaged in the major. Professors love engaged students. Maybe she can work with a professor or do some other stuff on campus. My sophomore daughter joined a Young Life group, goes to church with people in a group, joined the orientation team and a sorority. Engagement with others is a key.

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Yes she’s in the dorms and the honors college. No clue about pickle ball but that is definitely something she is not interested in.

She’s always been extremely engaged with her teachers and will be that student who visits professors during office hours regularly. She’s already really engaged with her advisors who are really helping her, and enjoying her.

I’ve told to explore all the club offerings and to start on day one looking at them and finding one or two that resonate with her. She is not interested in rushing first semester. She wants to wait and see on that.

We have already booked the hotel for parent weekend. I think she just needs to get there and rip the bandaid off as this last little bit of time waiting and wondering is really starting to eat her up. Like it’s getting real now!

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First, it’s wonderful that she is open about her worries with you, so much better that she shares them than bottles them up inside until they explode somehow. When my kids “acted out” with me as teens, I consoled myself with the reminder that it’s like when they were in preschool and broke down upon seeing me after preschool – they’d held it together as long as they could and could finally let their overwhelming emotions out because we were their “safe place.” So, while it’s exhausting to be their “dumping ground,” there is comfort in knowing they feel safe sharing these feelings with you.

Next, one of mine is awful with transitions – the build up is just terrible, he contemplates all the things that can go wrong etc. Every single time he faces change, once he’s in it, he thrives and loves it. So, when he started dreading some new transition coming up, we reminded him about his success in the past, and how he managed through the challenge. So, consider if there are examples you can use with your daughter about how she has made new friends in new circumstances.

Another strategy that can work with some kids is to provide “previews” of the experience which is coming. So, if the school is driving distance – and you don’t think the experience would make her more anxious – you could do a day-trip for a “test run.” If she knows her dorm, walk around the outside, walk to the dining hall, the library, classrooms. For some kids, “seeing” it makes it easier to envision and less threatening (though for some, it will throw them over the edge because it becomes too real.)

Hugs, the summer before college is hard, no matter how your child reacts.

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Your comment about it being hard for her to find joy at this point, could be an indicator that a visit with her primary dr is warranted. Having her dr perform the screening for depression and anxiety may be helpful.

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Well, that’s part of the problem. We moved from her hometown in 8th grade where she knew everyone and had a robust group of friends. Moving in middle school is obviously an awful time to move. She never really found her home here. Yes she did make friends, but she doesn’t have connections with them like she did from back home. The impacts of that move have been way more intense than I ever could have imagined.

That being said, I’ve reminded her that she did survive. She did meet new people and she’s been through a challenging life experience already, so she can definitely get through another one. She’s just extremely insecure about her ability to find awesome friends. She really wants the connections like she had back “home”.

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Yes that appointment is already scheduled before she leaves…and on my radar about that comment she made. Thank you.

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I believe your user name was confused with PickleParent, who does have a D who plays pickle ball.

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Kid is doing ok, though disappointed with his dorm assignment. H and I are already emotionally exhausted and we haven’t even dropped off yet. Stuff I’m not writing about here but was reminded yesterday that I don’t have any control any more as far as keeping my S protected. We are both dreading dropping him off on the other side of the country during a surging pandemic, though at the same time I’m paranoid something will screw that trip up. Hiding all of that from S. I need to put my seat belt on for the next two weeks. What crazy times.

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I am also hoping that nothing screws up drop off day as well as their 1st year of college due to the pandemic. Most colleges seems to have a pretty high vaccination rate so I am optimistic that they will be in person & have a more normal year than last year’s Freshmen. As far as the other worries like dorm assignments, etc. (mine is getting crammed into a double room with 3 people -ugh) - I just keep telling myself most likely they are about to have the time of their lives. They are about to live free from the watchful eye of their parents and be surrounded by other kids their age with similar goals. They could be in the worst dorm with the longest walk to classes and still will have a blast. MOST kids are going to love this next year. And they are ready - we put in the hard work & loved on them like we did for this next moment of their lives. They are ready (and I like you will pretend like I am ready in front of my son).

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Yep. Agree 100%.

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@Picklenut6 I’d tell my kid to TRY to just relax. Life, the Universe, has a way of working out, often in VERY strange ways.

Although, my D got into the school she wanted, she’s plenty nervous about going and meeting new people. I’m sure everyone of our kids here is VERY nervous. I’ll bet all the piercings, different colored hair and newfound desire to hit the gym and consume protein powders are all born somewhat out of this nervousness for the Fall.

We’ve now visited D’s college 3-4 times now and walked around, bought some food, had some Starbucks (:face_vomiting:) coffee, bought some merchandise in the bookstore, saw buildings, etc. And also watched a few YouTube videos of move-in or other experiences on the campus.

I’m big on “conditioning.” Dipping one’s toes into the deep end of the pool, before jumping in. Maybe she needs some college “conditioning.”

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@Picklenut6 your daughter will thrive. Honors College dorms so she’s with motivated students. I assume many are not local so they’ll be there on the weekends as well. One word of caution is that I had hubris that my regional college would be easy since HS was a breeze and I was well above the 75%ile stats. It wasn’t easy. However, I hope your D had great HS training. These honors college students are quite smart. Not to worry anyone but not to freak if there’s some shock after the first grades come in. Since your D is already engaged with advisors, etc., I’m confident she’ll manage through any setbacks. She may have remorse at the moment and some fear of leaving the nest, but she’ll do well.

Yes, I confused you with PickleParent. Do you really like pickles?

@NateandAllisMom I believe your son is going to school in NY. So amazing. Lots of spirit and phenomenal students with great resources.

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I am sorry to hear, is it in a location he didn’t want?

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He’s pretty easy going but unfortunately his roommate encouraged him to join a snapchat group where the kids were all venting and sharing unflattering descriptions. It’s a small dorm away from all the others that used to be temporary housing. I haven’t seen it yet to know if it’s like one of those temporary buildings or what. The other freshman dorms are all grouped together and are beautiful, some old and a couple are almost brand new. Good news is the moms on the fb group said the kids who get the short end of the stick in his dorm get really close during the year because they are stuck in this one together off by themselves. It’s a large room and I’m grateful he didn’t get a triple.

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@NateandAllisMom Our daughter got what she considered the worst dorm assignment last year (and I couldn’t really argue with her). Charmless mid 20th century construction, no air-conditioning, super small room with built ins that meant no real ability to ‘arrange’ furniture, and one of the farthest away from all her classes and the dining halls.

Especially hard was that everyone she had made ‘friends’ with via social media before arriving on campus were all in the dorms she had preferred. So, she also didn’t know anyone else assigned to the “Dorm of Doom”.

I won’t lie, the reports from move-in day painted the dorm in an even more negative light. She and DH did their best with the raw materials of the room, but all the parents of 1st year students going off to college we knew used the photos she and DH shared of move-in to make their children feel (A LOT) better about their own dorm assignments.

A few weeks into the school year, she adjusted. I won’t lie - she spent a lot of time out of the room while the weather was good/decent (which helped make friends), had great stories to tell other students who had gotten better dorms, and learned to laugh about how bad this dorm was/is. She was also super motivated to figure out how to get a better dorm the following year (wildly successful).

I don’t know if your child is planning to study abroad, but our daughter is (in a developing nation). We joked that she at least now has spent an entire year without air-conditioning (and with pretty spotting heating come winter) so she has some passing first hand experience with less than ideal living conditions. Don’t know if you can try to find a ‘positive’ spin like that, but it might be worth a shot.

The kids get through it, not without some growing pains but they do get through it. I even think the terrible dorm helped her build resiliency, it also helped her release the college ‘fantasy’ and realize that there would be good and bad in the college experience. We also pointed out, if a lackluster, small dorm was the worst she experienced while away at school, big picture - she was doing pretty well.

Good luck (and don’t forget to take pictures!). We, and others, laughed so hard at the sweaty mess (no air-conditioning in August) both DD and DH looked trying to get the room put together and also trying to get a full picture of the room; fishbowl lens necessary because it was so tiny, there were no good angles to get a pic.

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My S really wanted air conditioning and that is why they assigned him this dorm I think. So there are plusses. I think the vibe was that it was unfair and unlucky on Snap, since there is less than a 10% chance of getting this one. I can’t really argue with it - it’s pretty dumpy compared to all the rest. They will absorb that and move on and have fun together, totally.

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Funny thing, we don’t have control and yet we still feel responsible for protecting them. Feels like a cliff. But they will grow and change; here’s to hoping the changes are improvements when they return at Thanksgiving or winter break :slight_smile:

For what it’s worth, we were in rural NYS two weeks ago. Everything seemed fine, as expected.

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Thanks. Yeah, just some internal stuff that was the concern and would not impact a lot of other freshman. I would have made a couple of policy changes had I been in charge but overall I’m thrilled with how the University is doing. Also rural NY counties are WAY more vaccinated than rural counties here in California, so that’s pretty cool.

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Hopefully they will all become really close having the experience of living in this dorm.

It really sucks that schools have such differences in housing.