@bethy1 I don’t know if your daughter had done any visits yet (I can’t remember) but I can say that the visits D20 and D23 did really helped them visualize what college might look like for them, not just what they’d seen on tv shows or movies. Both of them were a lot more excited after the visits than before.
I think you are being really thoughtful and supportive to realize that the visits can come later in the process and if your daughter isn’t feeling it right now, she may later in the year.
D23 just signed up for a fall open house at one of her top choices, one of those ‘spend a day, take a class, eat lunch’ kind of visits. I don’t know if there are any of those near you (even at a school not on your daughter’s list) but it might be nice to check one out - even if it is pitched as - “Hey, wanna skip a day of school to check out what a day in the life at college looks like”. Sometimes it is nice to do a part of the ‘college process’ without it feeling so high stakes. And it could be a great day out for the both of you.
Good luck getting through this year - I think it is hardest with your first as you don’t really know what the process is going to look like/be like for them and your template may be many decades out of date. You will get through this, your daughter will have options come the spring, and it will all work out.
Thank you for your thoughtful encouragement. Luckily our D23 has visited a couple colleges in the past - including my husband’s and my high ranked alma mater many times throughout her childhood. But I agree that now is different - now that’s it’s “real” for her.
I am going to have her do one or two local visits. And we’ve gone to one local info session with a visiting AO and are signed up for two more. Thing is, with her first AO spiel a couple of weeks ago she was turned off to one of the top schools on her list. So you are right that it makes all the difference in the world to get some in person interaction! But then again . . . it wasn’t the same thing as visiting the actual school.
For us, time and money are limited somewhat - we can’t go on a bunch of tours all over the country. So I don’t want to waste any resources on visits - it’s a gamble. Where we live there aren’t a ton of schools within driving distance.
I feel like this forum helps to create that freight train feeling. It certainly gives me anxiety and makes me feel that she should already have her apps in. My kiddo also doesn’t have my sense of urgency. I like to get things done early but she tends to go until a deadline. I did read good advice, to pretend that the actual deadline is 5 days before the real one, to avoid any last minute technical issues etc. But, even EA is over a month away, there is time not to panic and create stress. I feel fortunate that my kiddo’s boarding school has college counselors with a load of about 25, to help keep them on track. Mine hasn’t finished her common app essay, but her counselor assures her she is on track, and said she has a good list. We have only visited a few schools and will focus on more after admissions are in.
Great insight. EA deadlines for my D’s schools are. 11/1-12/1. There are also a couple rolling admissions schools. She plans on applying all EA but told her she can prioritize and have one or two slip if needed.
My son has started senior year and is not concerned about completing the Common App. I know it is his journey but I am beginning to really get nervous. Are there other parents experiencing this at all? Feel like his Freshman and Sophomore year he was much more interested in college, etc. He wants to go away but doesn’t feel any urgency at all to begin the process. I thought once he was back in school, he might get the hint to get his act together.
I keep reminding myself that normally kids often worry more about the deadlines in January which is quite awhile away. And then also there are always options there after - right up until August 2023 for some schools.
My son has started on Common App. Patience is not a word he is familiar with and wants to rush through things. We spent some time together cleaning up his ECs and at times, we were less than happy with one another.
I think they just get stressed about the upcoming life changes. Mine has nearly shut down. I need to micro-manage his tasks. When I talk to him about it, I get the feeling he is scared to death about the whole thing. We are getting the applications completed, but come April, he might not be ready for school. I just want him to have options.
I agree that it’s stressful for them to think about the future and it makes them cranky. Even my D23 who was always excited to talk about and research colleges, now that it’s upon her, isn’t enthusiastic any longer. I pushed to get most of her apps done in August, but there’s one more she needs to do. We are doing a college tour of about 4 schools in early October with another family. We’ll see how that goes.
I appreciate all the comments about nervous and/or reluctant kids. My D isn’t very communicative. I find myself afraid to ask if she’s happy enough with her essay (that I haven’t seen) or if she wants to wait to write another. I would be relieved to have some submit buttons hit.
D23 gave me a little insight as to what is holding her back. The whole college apps thing at school is getting her down and stressed out. We live in an area where a lot of people the following as absolute truths about college:
It’s sometimes a necessary evil - something to get out of the way asap and get on with real life. And definitely don’t waste money the first two years by going to anything other than community college.
It’s not necessary for many folks. And some view it as a total waste of money on top of that.
For her small group of friends who are college bound - a few are focused mainly on going to college so they can make more money in life. And also, it feels a bit like a competition and discomforting. Especially because many of them want/need different things in a school.
Mom of a 2022 B student here. College tours are a big part of what turned it around for my kid. Once we set foot on campus and she could find her people and envision herself there she got more enthusiastic about completing the apps. I think the tours were huge for her.
It also helped that she had good friends who were going through the same thing, but she didn’t want to go to college with any of them, so while the friends filling out apps helped it was the in person tours that really got her moving more.
This was totally D23 too. She was prepared and organized and wrote several essays over the summer. We agreed that she’d get all of her applications done ASAP so that she could enjoy the rest of her senior year. And then… there were a couple of hiccups, with her transcript, with some errors, and some unexpected extra essays for her last application and it’s become like pulling teeth for her to finish. She dreams of going to this school, but when I remind her that she can’t go if she doesn’t finish the application, I get glared at. Glad I’m not the only one facing these issues!
While DS23 has his stuff in, we keep reminding him that he needs to keep his spots by not sliding this year. He has always been one to leave things to the last gasp so I’ve ended up getting on him to get it done. I’m trying to slowly back off this year. Reminders but not nagging (big step for me). I keep telling myself that I won’t be there for college or employment to push him. He needs to do these things himself. He currently has some missing work that he needs to get in. Not because he doesn’t have time or it’s too hard. Just because it’s less engaging work. Meanwhile I also have DS29 who has his own set of challenges with starting middle school and his learning differences. It’s been a nail biter for me this year so far. Trying to support them both but not overdo it. In the end, it’ll work out and the years will fly by. I think we all just want to see our kids reach their goals and it is frustrating when we see them taking steps that aren’t all that beneficial (or possibly even hindering). I’ll leave you with this though. A friend of mine has a DS22 who applied to the school he is now attending mere hours before the deadline. It worked out for him obviously. They get there in the end. Or they don’t and they need to see that and learn from it.
We have adopted the “only allowed to ask about the college process one day per week” strategy. It’s working out quite well. Our D23 knows she can ask for help anytime at all, but we won’t ask her anything related to college unless it’s a Monday. This way she doesn’t avoid us the other 6 days. She was previously running from the room anytime my husband or I would walk in.
This is our school as well. Kids here rarely get into T20s. Most who do go to college tend to attend midwest publics. And lots of kids (and families) feel college is a waste of money because they are doing quite well in the trades or running their own business (some being family businesses.)
