With all the talk about how much other families are taking out in loans to pay for xx “elite school,” I’m wondering how other parents know this information. Do people in your schools actually talk about the ins and outs of their finances? I understand family members or a good friend, but I’m genuinely surprised that parents in your kids’ school systems are that free with personal financial information.
At our high school, no one talks in detail about paying for their kid’s higher education. Of course, the guidance department discusses it in general terms with families at targeted seminars, and a local financial expert may be called in for a larger speaking event, but discussions are more general. Even when my son’s friends mention their parents are taking out loans, they don’t include if the loans will be $5k/year or $50k/year. If someone is using home equity, who knows exactly how much home equity they are using. Does their 529 have $20k or $200k? I don’t know if the student admitted ED to Duke full pay is sitting on an inheritance, or if her grandparents are gifting her half the tuition bill each year because she is their only grandchild. In my town, parents are just not that free with their financial business and don’t ask other people for that kind of information about their finances. I can’t imagine hearing someone ask me, “How are you paying for that?” when I see them at my son’s game. I’m sure people might speculate or have their theories, but we just don’t ask other parents.
I don’t think you go to the HS football game and say, here your kid got into Duke. It’s $80K a year. You’re a bank teller - how are you going to pay for that?
At least in my son’s circle of friends, the kids all seem to talk about it among themselves. The kids may not know everything about their own family’s finances, but most have an idea of how much money is in their 529 (if they have one) and what the general plan is for paying for college.
Yes, “general plan” I get. Even 529 amounts I could see, but that’s just one source of paying for college. It just seems there is a lot of talk about how students going to elite schools are taking on specific amounts of debt. I’m just curious how people know that.
But I guess everyone’s high school is different. I must say, I’m glad I don’t have to deal with such targeted inquiries.
Yeah, I don’t know specific details about other families’ finances. In our case it’s just what my son tells me, from what his friends tell him. The kids talk about how much merit and financial aid they got with each admission, about how they think their families are planning to pay, and how much debt they expect to be taking on themselves.
We talked about budget a lot with my son early in the process. So maybe my son’s friends talk about it more than other kids?
I haven’t had a conversation with any other parents about finances and college costs, though.
Unless someone asked my thoughts, I would never bring that up. Nor have I heard others bring it up.
Usually it’s the merit people bragging / saying - they got a great deal. But honestly, I know few who stretch financially. My area is relatively wealthy and probably 95% if not more are going to a state school - in state or neighboring and all are big merit wise.
But I don’t think that would be open discussion - at least in my opinion. Someone would have to want to discuss it.
I do have one friend I talk about this with - he has one at BU and NYU and is paying $5K at one and like $15K at another. His kids are mixed race and both parents are from outside the US - and I’ve not asked - do you get need aid, etc. I’m sure he is/does and don’t know how…but I don’t pry. It’s not my place.
One kid wants to transfer from BU and he says financially that’s going to hurt him.
But yeah - I think kids talk and they have no idea - and I would say this is generally not a topic of discussion. But at how many schools are mainstream kids going to high priced schools? Perhaps private schools and perhaps that’s a different environment, conversation set.
Lots of kids at my son’s public school go to these high priced schools. And they all talk about who gets in where. My son knows kids going to MIT, Stanford, U Chicago, etc. etc. (And this does make him feel some pressure to have an impressive school name to announce.)
Honestly, it’s more after the fact that I hear about how much debt someone is in. My older kids are 23 and 25 years old and out of college. All the parents are complaining about how their 20 somethings can’t move out because of their student loans. I know one 28 year old with 200k in undergrad debt. I can’t imagine how his parents thought that was a good idea. They consider the plus loans his debt and not theirs.
That’s interesting to me - even at a top school district, I’m guessing out of 600 - maybe 15-20 did.
I’m not at school - but seems an odd subject.
I know the district brags about scholarships - they add up all the kids scholarships so the more schools the better. They said over $1 billion at last count.
And that was a few years ago.
Sad that we have this race and hopefully your son will look back and will realize - whatever path he chose will have been the right one!!!
ok - here’s a parent not complaining, but basically shocked at something. my S15 & his fiance went to a midwest school, graduated debt free, worked HARD, had national internships and now live in NYC - making hella money - more than 5/6 times their ages each. We’ve been thrilled at their achievements and acceptance into their companies from fly-over state schools. I’m very thankful that we dont have that pressure for top-tier schools here; it’s not a thing really, and i’m glad as i might have bought into it. They’ve done great. investing. traveling. I can’t imagine being in that much debt. (just thought id share; heard from kid this morning; at home with The Vid; first time so far).
The kid with the 200k in debt isn’t even from what I would consider a great school. It’s more of a small private religious school. If it were Stanford or something I guess I’d understand that decision a bit more. On my street every house is full of adult kids who’ve boomeranged back after college. I feel thankful my S15 moved out in October! He wouldn’t be able to afford living on his own in our area if he had student loans, and he makes a healthy income.
No, your town is not anomalous. I live in an affluent area where it would be considered rude to ask about finances. The kids talk among themselves about scholarships but, in general, the adults don’t share financial information. The assumption is the school is affordable for your family.
And lots of kids from our public high school are going to high priced schools. In state tuition at the flagship starts at 28k/yr and many families in my area are willing to pay that and more.
I’m just as transparent about the financial constraints that we put on our kids’ college searches in real life as I am here anonymously at CC.
I openly tell people that we simply can’t afford 80K+/yr for college for two kids but won’t let them take on any debt, so they weren’t allowed to apply to any schools that cost more than their budget of XX. And while I would NEVER ask about anyone else’s financial situation, parents are often relieved that someone is actually talking about their financial limitations and share back. Most families in our neighborhood or in my kids’ peer groups are in a similar SES strata: upper middle class but not true 1%ers, so it’s really rare to have 350K per kid saved up just for undergrad.
And the reason I know so many millennials in debt is because I’m a physician and many of my younger colleagues and the residents I train are drowning in debt. They talk very openly about their loans, usually in the context of wanting to cut back but can’t because of their huge monthly loan payments. (My colleagues and I are obviously not highly paid specialists lol)
Our HS is big 3800-3900 kids. We have diverse incomes in the district. I have only known a couple of parents well enough to talk in some detail about merit/loans/paying. D19 talked with some kids but it more about merit and what schools kids are going to. No clue if D23 talks with friends. She is like a vault with info.
I explained to D19 back 4 years ago that we don’t know everyone’s situation. Like a previous poster said some families were able to save more early. There could be grandparents funds. There could be inheritances. Our HS does a top 10% dinner every year. The kids get a certificate and they announce where they are going to school. D19 and I could always gauge around what merit they probably got. We were in tune with what schools were giving out and D19 usually knew or had a range of test scores. Our state also gives out an award based on test scores and that is posted on the school website. What D19 and I didn’t know was what funds the kids had or if there were going to be a lot of loans. But we definitely had an idea if they were paying a large amount or not.
All that sounds a little creepy to be worried about stuff like that, but I will tell you sitting at a dinner and waiting through 80-100 kids to get a certificate you have to do something to amuse yourself. Plus it helped D19 understand that she made a good decision to go where she did and not have to take out loans even though it wasn’t her #1 choice. Plus I am happy that D19 really has learned the value of money as it will help her as she gets out on her own. I still remember D19 had to get a parking pass one semester. She got like the $75 or $100 one. I said to her why didn’t you get the $175 one that gave you closer options. She said well its my money and I don’t want to waste it. I knew then I had taught her well.
Really this discussion about what or how people are paying for college is just the same thing everyone sees in their neighborhoods. Like when someone gets a new car or goes on a special vacation or gets some renovation done. Sure you notice it as it is hard not to oftentimes, but really it doesn’t affect me so no need to worry about it. I gave up a long time ago about worrying about keeping up the with Jones. My kids probably could have gone to more prestigious universities, but the value wasn’t there and we didn’t have the funds to get them there. Trust me it was hard at times to realize that I couldn’t afford to send my kids to better schools, but my wife and I were first gen college students. We had a lot debt and it was more important for us not to saddle our kids with that same debt. It looks like they won’t have any. So hopefully their kids can pick any school they want to go to when the time comes. That is how we do it in our family each generation gets a little better and we keep moving forward.
This is pretty much our approach on the second time around, and you are smart to have figured it out for your first! With our D23’s older brother (S21), we let him apply to all sorts of very selective, expensive, name-brand schools without completely understanding how much they would cost without any need-based aid (how has college gotten so expensive??). In the end we were sort of relieved that he only got waitlisted (and sometimes rejected) at the tippy-top schools that have Ivy-level acceptance rates. Otherwise it would have been very hard to say “no.” He was lucky enough to get into “good” UCs (in-state) and thus the choice wasn’t hard at all, but if he had been just a bit more competitive than he was, it would have been kind of a disaster for us. With D23 we understand the process so much better, so we were clear from the get-go that she could apply to UCs, CSUs, and only privates that offer substantial merit that is at least a possibility for her to be offered. Every quarter when we pay tuition for his school, I am so thankful it’s not a lot more. We are trying very hard to have him only take the minimal unsubsidized federal loans he’s eligible to take.
Don’t know about my kids’ friends, but my friends and colleagues are pretty open about finances. Some say without hesitation that they are full pay, some say they are hunting for merit $$ and El Cheapo (me) here says I want my kids to use all the tax dollars I have paid into the system or sort things out themselves. Lol.
That’s so interesting! I think it must vary by circle at our kids’ hs (or maybe by gender??) because our daughter doesn’t seem to know much at all about the schools her friends have gotten into. She says at least in her circle they keep it on the down-low a bit, and it’s considered frowned upon to discuss. I’m sure this will change as we get into March and April, but for now she keeps telling me that she doesn’t know if any other friends got into SDSU already like she did because she doesn’t want to ask and definitely isn’t going to tell them that she did. The recruited athletes is a different story. Those who have long been committed to schools via that route, it seems like common knowledge.
I think my son and his extended friend group are all on a discord server where they talk constantly? (and I do mean constantly… as in, “during family dinner on his phone”…!!) I don’t have access to their chat, but hear about everything third hand from him, “Admissions decisions came out for XX today, 3 people we know got in, everyone else deferred,” etc.
Other than close friends, the only “clue” (surprise) I got was through my daughter relaying classmates’ college preferences vs. ultimate choices. The “surprise” aspect was, that friends of hers from affluent families (e.g., huge houses, at-least-annual Disney vacations, seasonal beach rentals) had to choose more affordable colleges from the ones they had been accepted to - because money was tight.
Made me realize for the first time, that “saving for college” was not necessarily tied to available/disposable income.
I can’t imagine being in that much debt. (just thought id share; heard from kid this morning; at home with The Vid; first time so far).