I guess my approach to college selection is now summed up as I don’t tell my kids you need this goal GPA to get into this college. I try to approach it as here are the colleges you are likely to get into with your current GPA. I’m real with them and their goals and the work they do really is up to them. The therapists are right, we can’t make our kids work harder. We just have to be honest that this is the money available and this is what they need to do get there. The rest is up to them.
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I’m on my third kid with D23, and they’ve all been different with regard to grades:
- D17 was laser-focused on grades in high school, didn’t end up with a 4.0 but was as close as possible (her B coming in one of her two DE classes). She is, I’ll be honest about this, the most high-strung of her siblings, and it shows in her relationship to grades. Due to some physical health issues she’s started learning to give up on the idea that she can control every aspect of her life, but it took something that could have killed her to get her to realize that maybe prioritizing As above all else isn’t a great way to go through life.
- D19 was the test of all the schools that say “We’d rather you push yourself and get Bs than that you play it safe and get As.” (I still suspect they’re all lying, BTW.) She’s quite successful gradewise, but didn’t have a 4.0 in HS and doesn’t in college, because she sees coursework as a chance to try new things. She is, arguably, the healthiest in that regard.
- D23 has a HS 4.0 right now, but doesn’t really believe it—she’s incredibly good a schoolwork, but doesn’t believe that she is (not least because she finds HS annoying and stultifying). The one thing that motivates her with regard to grades is to see them as the means to an end: Good HS grades lead to better merit offers. If it weren’t for that, she’d probably have something like a 3.2, but you know what? She’d still be the same kid, and still dislike school (well, high school, at least—I’m hoping she finds college more interesting).
TL;DR: When it comes to kids and grades and the relationship between them, there are no generalizations to be made. All of them are their own people, and have their own paths.
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This has also been our approach. The early years of high school were all about helping our kids develop good study habits. At this point, S23 knows what is required for a shot at xyz college. Like we told his siblings, he can put in the work or not. It’s his choice and there is absolutely no pressure to get straight As. A decent effort on his part is always expected though. Honestly, he puts so much pressure on himself that I’m usually the “bad influence” encouraging him to study less and relax more.
I always enjoy seeing how different everyone’s class schedules are!
D23 will be attending our state’s public residential stem high school for 11th and 12th grades. Lots of fun courses that her home school didn’t offer and a weekly schedule that is set up more like college.
She’s taking:
ASL (took AP Spanish last year so this is just for fun)
Econ/Gov
Shakespeare’s Plays (lit class that also does performances)
Eng 111 and 112 (Dual Credit)
Chem + Chem lab
Pre-Calc
Plus 2 Jr Seminars that each meet once weekly
In the Spring she’ll swap Econ/Gov and Shakespeare for Botany (above AP Bio) + lab and AP Psych.
I feel like it’s quite the eclectic mix but I’m glad she’ll have the opportunity to try some new things!
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that’s an eclectic but cool schedule. –
will she live at the residential HS?
Yes. They live in a dorm very similar to a college set up with RAs etc. BIG adjustment for this mama as she’ll actually be farther away than my D21 is for college! But we’re excited for her to have this opportunity.
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I definitely feel you on the push/pull of GPA pressure. I’m sure it’s different for every family due to different dynamics, etc.
I have consistently told both D17 and D23 that I would rather have them be happy, well adjusted B students than miserable A students, but that it had better be an honest B. And by that I mean if you show up, pay attention, do the homework and get a B because that’s where you’re at after an honest effort, then hopefully you enjoyed the challenge and learned something and I’m proud of you for getting in the arena and doing your best.
D17 never quite believed me until college, when she chose to pursue a mathematics and geosciences double major and regularly got Bs (and even a C+ in Real Analysis) after having gone through her entire previous educational career with nothing but A’s. She had real struggles in a couple of courses and worried that I was going to be upset with her because college wasn’t cheap and now suddenly she wasn’t getting perfect grades. I kept asking her, but do you LIKE what you’re studying? And she’d say YES! But some of it is really hard and a B is the best I can do. I’m not sure how many semesters it took before she genuinely accepted that we were proud of her for going after it even though it didn’t come easily.
I hope D23 takes the things I say to heart. She puts pressure on herself and is a bit of a perfectionist. It’s been such a brutal couple of years on these kids. We are going to be looking for merit too (family circumstances have changed a bit since D17 was looking) and I’m trying hard to de-stress things for D23 while keeping one eye on the bigger picture of finances and fit and opportunity… it’s a lot to juggle!
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@mebmama
My DD too will be moving away and doing Jr/Sr year at a boarding school. Still waiting, impatiently, for schedules to come out, as she has requested some fun sounding classes. She’s entering as a repeat Jr. (repeats are common at these schools- who knew?) so has many of her required classes already.
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Schedules just posted for the twins and they are a cluster *f of epic proportions 
Thing 1 doesn’t even show a science for this year…he got put in Interior Design and General Health Ed…like what the heck lol. Not a single Comp Sci class, no Honors Chem…his AP Psych got dropped…he was supposed to be on PSAT Team as well…that dropped. I figured out the two things that are messing up his schedule are 1) his band placement and 2) he elected to take Dual Credit US Hist instead of APUSH…both those classes are only offered certain period of the day. So his only choices to fix his schedule will be to level down in band which he is NOT going to want or swap out DC Hist or APUSH (better option).
The situation is compounded because we are on a an accelerated block schedule…they only have 4 classes a day, all semester long, then next semester 4 new classes (except band which is year long).
Thing 2’s schedule is slightly better…his core classes are all correct but again, some random electives that make zero sense.
I HATE this time of year, every year it’s some crisis to unravel lol.
sorry you’re in that spot – i do hope it works out. I’m just thinking about your band - every day, a full block period, all year. WOWZA. you texans take band seriously , I know!!
My two older kids loved marching band. One played tuba; and the tuba section would have random popup concerts around town. It was so funny/cool; seeing lots of tubas playing together. In fact, as I’m a little sad that kid #3 just left for college, i think i’ll watch some old tuba videos to make me smile
(In the midwest and my son has band for a full hour and choir for a full hour every day all year. And yes, both screw with his schedule every year and limits other choices.)
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Unfortunately, my kid is determined to get a BFA in musical theater. That really limits the merit options. I am honestly starting to think that maybe he should not go to college. I guess this years grades will tell. I am putting zero pressure on him. If he goes below a B he loses his car until the grade is above a B in the computer again. Hoping that will be enough to make him do his homework. And before you cringe, he is plenty smart to be getting A’s in his sleep if he would just turn in the work.
I am actually getting a little worried about how long school is going to last here. We start tomorrow. We are in a state where masks cannot be mandated in schools and one of our officials just said kids are breaking the law if they wear a mask. (They are not.) They have 2 all school assemblies the first week.
I shouldn’t have laughed at this, @Theaterforme, but given my child’s plan to get a degree in a fine arts-adjacent field and the attendant limits on where she’s looking, yeah, i feel this a bit too much.
That said, there are places with music theater programs that have decent merit aid options for B (or at least B+) students, it’s just most of them are far away from NYC and LA—your kid may need to consider colleges in and near places with vibrant arts scenes but not in the epicenters of the theater universe, like Atlanta, New Orleans, Chicago, Portland, or even semi-hidden arts gems like Denver, Orlando, and Salt Lake City.
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Curious as to why? Mine isn’t going for a BFA (perhaps music ed) but always curious to hear about other paths after graduation.
Have you read “He’s Not Lazy?” Perhaps the car is not his “motivational currency.”
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I will look up that book. I think the car might be the currency.
Because all he wants to do is perform, rather than go to college, he could move to LA or New York and train and audition and get jobs at the same time in theory. Trust me, I would rather he go to college since performance is unlikely to last even 20 years as a career, but I am not forcing him to go to college. I think he has 2 years after graduation to start tapping his prepaid tuition or it is gone. Hoping the car is what gets him motivated.
“He’s Not Lazy” stands out as the best book I’ve read about my underperforming son (the author has a better word than ‘underperforming’, I just don’t remember it.
My daughter was a theater major and I think GPA is maybe 50% or less of Theater/MT admissions, audition is by far the largest factor. I agree with @dfbdfb that he’ll have to spread a wide net and get comfortable with not-well known schools. As for not going to college, yes, he could move and TRY to get performing jobs, which is super hard even for those with BFAs. It’s a hard live but you said he likes challenges! And yes, he could pay for non-college training. you certainly don’t have to have a college degree for a chance at success performing, but you do have to have training (plus a whole lot of hustle, hard work, and a bit of luck).
By the way for someone upthread, my S23 is not chasing anywhere near a 4.0, not loading up on APs, Honors, honestly we are just hoping he goes to school this year. Mental health first, college worries later…if it is in even the cards for him. But I don’t think having even a 3.0 or heck even less is actually going to keep him out of college (merit aid worries notwithstanding, which I realize is a huge factor).
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I’m in the Northeast. My D23’s school has modified block scheduling, so they have four classes per day, each for 1 hour 20 mins. So typically 4 classes in the Fall and 4 different classes in the Spring, but they have A/B days too for full year or half credit classes. So band here is all year but only A days, so she has it for 1 hour 20 mins every other day all year. This year she also placed into Jazz band and that runs all year, same block, on the B days. Because of this, she’s taking her AP English Lit class online as that only meets in person during that same block.
She’s also taking A-choir, same deal. One block all year on A days. And on B days she has another choir class (new teacher this year so we don’t know what it will be -used to be Vocal Jazz). So for two out of four blocks all year she has music.
It sounds crazy but she loves it and has worked really hard to be able to do this, taking other requirements online since the summer before she started HS. But every year at schedule time it makes her (and me) nuts.
You hit the nail on the head. I don’t think getting in will be an impossible challenge for him. He is very good for sure at MT, is well trained, is a boy, is a good dancer and is black. It’s more that he will get into places that are not affordable without merit. I just bought the book and will read it tonight. I will take any advice I can get!
Ah, if my kid knew he could jump right into chasing his dream without college I know my son wouldn’t put any effort into high school classes.
My son might choose to bypass college himself. But he knows I only pay rent if the kid is in college or taking classes and working. (My oldest is at a tech school, went part time this past year, I pay tuition, he pays rent by working part time.)
One of the leads in our high school musicals just graduated and he is doing Air National Guard and auditioning for more local theaters.
That’s good he has several things in his favor! SCAD was my daughter’s ‘safety’, it is rolling admissions (well, was 4-5 years ago) which is great, she had an answer and a merit offer I think in September!
Being a young POC is also a good place to be in terms of agents and auditions right now, if he is non binary, even more in demand. But…I would always encourage a college degree for many reasons. Anecdotally, my D had two friends who 1) declined their college admission offer or 2) dropped out to pursue acting, both with professional bookings on their resume already, and 4 years later both are back in school pursuing degrees alongside pursuing performing careers. And she ran into several actors her age on sets along the way who quite honestly seemed jealous that she was going to college.
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