My kids know the things I really don’t want them doing (no tattoos) and those I don’t much care about. They’d each like to have a car and I don’t want them to have them. I’d be mighty disappointed if they got a car and didn’t tell me.
I wouldn’t feel good about going against my parents wishes either to be honest. That’s why I’m unsure of the whole club thing. I know usually club teams are student funded with very little help from the university and costs can be up to $1000 or more a semester. I honestly shared this, just to share the opposing views of collegiate athletics, which not a lot of people have, but I unfortunately got the shorter end of the stick on this one. Honestly, I do get sick of hearing from my parents telling me that my involvement in sports was a mistake and a regret. It immediately nullifies all the good memories and times I had from playing, and that’s the toughest thing I’m having to deal with. This post is to share that not everyone thinks college sports is a good thing. College sports are purely American, no where else in the world are sports and academics integrated. They are completely separate.
And @twoinanddone, unrelated, but if they had jobs and saved enough money to purchase a vehicle themselves, would you still be opposed to it?
In addition, choosing activities while in college and making a major purchase are two different things.
You may think photography is for weirdos, or basketball isn’t for Asians, or scrapbooking isn’t something a good boy should do, well, in my opinion, tough luck. If your kid is 18 years old and interested in scrapbooking, or basketball, or photography, won’t cost you anything doing that activity, and has fun doing it, you can’t control what they do in their free time nor prescribe how they have fun.
(Honestly, any attempt to control how an 18 year old spends his free time seems a bit unhealthy from a parent’s point of view.)
In addition, there are worse activities to get involved in in college.
These parents already chose this kid’s major, don’t tell me it’s okay for them to try and control how he spends his free time.
If he wants to continue with a sport that he excels at, even if his parents don’t think sports are “smart” or “good”, it’s his choice. (I agree he shouldn’t make them pay for the costs but he can probably get a summer job to pay for it.)
For the record, I’m not really favorable to D1 sports and don’t really see the appeal, I went to a D3 college where athletes were no big deal (there were other activities that were admired). I also believe that kids can choose how they spend their free time and sports are one area of life that’s healthy and a source of worth for young people.
D1 commitment is one thing, club sports another.
Finally, this young man is an extremely accomplished player since he was offered a D1 scholarship. No one should let him think it"s not a positive reflexion of who he is, as those hours training, practicing, improving his skills, playing with teammates, competing against himself and others, should be a source of pride and will have positive repercussions for the rest of his life. When you get to that level of skill, playing is part of who you are - it’s no different whether it’s soccer, the violin, or anything else. He’s learned all kinds of “character skills” - how to persevere, how to test his limits, how to repeat something until it’s good, how to understand others. Why shouldn’t he feel happy when reminiscing about great passes, when thinking of the bonds created with teammates, when feeling the sheer joy of running and being part of a team?
Yes, I’d object to them having a car even if they paid for it. If they could pay for the car, they could pay for more of their college expenses (which I’m struggling to pay). In fact, I know my brother would give them both cars if I said okay, but there are still expenses - gas, insurance, up keep. But it is more of a lifestyle. I want them on campus, doing stuff on campus. I don’t want them having to work to pay for gas, to jump in the car at midnight to go get food because that’s just not necessary. One of my kids is pretty irresponsible when it comes to things like cars. She is choosing her housing for next year and I’d rather she just live on campus. If she had a car, she’d be tempted to live 30 minutes away from school, by the beach, and that would really eat into her time on campus and her study time. Not having a car does control some of that. I just don’t want her driving a group of kids on joy rides.
MYSO, we’re not talking about a scrap book or a pick up game of soccer on a Saturday afternoon. My daughter plays in a very (very) low key club team, and she still practices 2-3 times a week, late at night, and then has games. It’s not an hour or two per week, but more like 10. Cost is low, but still $300/yr, and if OP has $300, shouldn’t he use that for tuition or books? This weekend DD’s traveling 4 hours, staying over, and then returning back to campus after playing several games. Basically a whole weekend spent on sports. I’m fine with it (actually love it), but OP’s parents wouldn’t like it. My niece played a club sport for 3 years and it was probably 20 hours a week with the travel and $1000 or more per year. “Club” doesn’t mean it’s free or not time consuming. Some schools have club teams that are as devoted to the sport as the D-1 team, with practice 6 days a week and a major time commitment. It may not be just a hobby or an activity the OP could slip by his parents, but it is the ‘slipping by’ that I object to. This is a major issue to his parents. My kids agreed to my restrictions (no tattoos, no smoking, no drugs, no trouble, no car) when they accepted tuition from me, and I think OP owes that respect to his parents to accept their restrictions too.
I agree that playing a club sport is much bigger than doing photography or some other hobby. A club sport can be quite expensive, and even more importantly can involve extensive travel and missed class time. If the OP’s parents object to involvement in a Varsity sport, I’m sure this would be a problem too. I give the OP a lot of credit for integrity. As long as the parents are paying for college then this is one of their restrictions.
@twoinanddone, oh okay. Sorry, I didn’t know you were talking about college children. Anyways, yeah. I don’t think I’m going to attempt to continue to try and play competitively. Thanks for all the advice everyone. Maybe if anything, share with your kids that play sports to leave it all on the field. Give it all they got. And I really don’t know. I am going to be spending the rest of my life saying “I wish…” and it’s going to be a really sour taste to come out of my mouth for the next few years.I hope I can handle this and get over it soon.
Have your parents read this article:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/grade-point/wp/2015/01/26/why-are-so-many-college-students-failing-to-gain-job-skills-before-graduation/
In fact, my children have experienced tremendous advantages when it came to applying for scholarships, jobs, grad school, etc. Being a varsity athlete is a huge advantage.
All District, 2nd-team All-State this year
Congratulations BayernMunich.
Since playing brings you such joy and you’re so talented, find a way to keep playing. Not for your parents - they’ll never understand - but for yourself.
Why get awards like these when my cousin’s robotics team is the best in the state? Or my girl cousins’ Bollywood dance squad is nationally recognized? This is rather something I am very unhappy about. In fact my mom the other day: “Oh, my nieces just got awarded a grant for her research on medicine, but my son still wants to ‘play game.’” My achievements mean nothing. If anything they told me it is just permanent reminder that my life is “forever ruined by playing stupid game.” Every day I am reminded that I am going to regret all of this years from now when I “finally understand.” They are absolutely convinced, that my life is ruined. My mother gets very stressed out unnecessarily because of this. She cries herself to sleep, no joke, sometimes because she is convinced and cannot take that her son’s “life is ruined. He’s never going to get a job. He’s going to starve. He will be homeless. His babies will starve. His wife will starve.”
These are all things that are ripping apart our household and being said and college hasn’t even started yet for me. Maybe they’re right? Maybe this sport did ruin my life? I don’t see it bringing any happiness to me right now. When I was playing it did, but there was that constant anxiety of every night i’d return home from practice, on what my parents were going to be upset about now?
What will happen when I go to college? Because not only do they fight with me, they always fight about me in my absence. To my mom, it is my fathers fault for “encouraging games and not studies.” They have a lot of health problems, that is being caused my me apparently, and I see it. Their “fear” for my future is causing very much stress for them, to the point where my father had an anxiety attack last year. How am I supposed to feel? Playing my sport was the only thing that kept me sane for a while, but at the same time, I feel that this already ruined my family life and relationship. The thing with my parents, is a “what have you done lately” mentality. I’m ALWAYS being compared to my cousins and other relatives. One of my cousins from Australia is working as a civil engineer here, and she was always the good girl and did what her parents told her. My other two cousins finished top of their class in high school. One goes to Duke Medical School, the other is finishing up her undergrad at U-Washington, also headed to medical school. They have won countless honors in academics and awarded grants and scholarships, actively participated in research and other things. My point is, I am always a thing being compared to, and I’m always being compared to excellence. Cousins already set the bar really high for me, and I am certain I cannot even halfway compete with their accomplishments.
So I don’t know what my future is like for now, or how college will go for me. I guess I’ll update time to time. Thanks for all the support. The sport I played will forever be a part of me.
@BayernmunichTM I hope you and your parents could talk to a counselor about anxiety and dealing with their fears. Congratulations on the excellence you have achieved on your sport. May you find ways to channel your drive and other skills productively.
Can you tell your parents how you wish you weren’t" a thing being compared to, and always being compared to excellence"?
You have opened my eyes with this statement, to be aware not to make my kids feel this way.
Are your parents, by chance, recent immigrants?
There are two issues I see: 1. that soccer is something you enjoy, but your parents are worried will prevent you from being 'successful." And 2, that they don’t realize that sports will actually help you when it’s time to apply for a job, grad school, professional school, summer internships, etc. If point 1 doesn’t convince them, maybe 2. will.
I’m sorry. I didn’t read all the intermediate posts, so didn’t realize that the decision not to play has been made already.
Have you heard of Varun Ram? If not read this
Varun is an Indian-American basketball player who earned a walk-on spot at U Maryland Division 1 basketball team. He eventually earned a scholarship spot by virtue of his hard work. Plus he has a stellar GPA (3.9). Varun incidentally made a game winning defensive play in the last few seconds of the NCAA tournament win vs Valparaiso.
Show this to your parents as evidence of how hard work on the athletic field can also help with studies and lifelong passion.
Interesting. Also I remember in baseball two years ago in the College World Series. There was not one, but TWO Indian players playing in the highest level of college baseball. One was a pitcher with Stony Brook, currently playing in the Cubs organization, the other was an infielder for Florida. Think he’s playing independent ball now. I don’t remember what their majors were, but right now they’re pursuing baseball professionally.
Point is, yes they are aware of Indians involved, but as I mentioned in my previous posts, they’ll never approve. My parents whole focus and world is only as big as the Indian community that lives in our city. In their eyes, my life is forever ruined, and I will NEVER be as good as my cousins or the others. My cousins deserve endless happiness, and they achieved so much academically, it’s insane. Because I am no where close to them, my parents express to me that I should be ashamed of myself, that I will live the rest of my life in misery. My parents define me, only on academic achievements, which in their eyes, is not and never will be, my cousins or the rest of the community. My mom always tells me “oh, the other parents have such good things to say about their children, but I have nothing good to say about my son.” I am told daily, that I will be a homeless beggar. That playing sports is what ruined my life forever. Instead of playing sports, I could have joined the math club, or the future engineering students club, or debate, or robotics.
Their disappointment in me, and my involvement in sports, really are making them very, very sick. I am deeply concerned for their health, and every day I have major anxiety on what type of argument will happen on any particular day. It gets rather violent sometimes as well, and we have had police show up to our home at 2:00am because we just cannot stop with the loud heated arguments.
Look I’m not a bad student. I’ll graduate this spring with a GPA close to a 3.75. I know it’s not a 4.0+. But if anything, I always did well, and got A’s in all core classes (math, science, reading/lit, foreign language, history, economics, government, etc.) It’s classes like photography, and digital media, are the ones I didn’t put much effort in… at all.
Reading your posts is really disconcerting. Your parents sound abusive, and your self-esteem seems lower with each of your posts.
I think you should get into counseling, immediately if possible, or as soon as you step foot on your college campus. I truly feel bad for what you have gone through, but at this moment, you need outside help to handle the burden you are carrying.,
You are obviously a great athlete and a terrific student - just not the best (how many can be “the best” or as high-achieving as your super star cousins. You should be proud of what you have accomplished - more than most. You will have to learn to not be brought down by your parents.
I agree that reading your posts is very sad- you sound like a great all around student that many universities would love to have. I know we are hearing only your side of the story but it sounds like your relationship with your parents is very damaging to you. You should be more worried about yourself than about your parents’ health. They are the ones who have chosen to have these expectations for you and if they are “ill” as a result than it is their fault and not yours!! I hate to see your self-esteem become so low. I wish I had some great advice for you but of course there is nothing I can do except tell you not to lose faith in yourself. Most parents would be proud to have a child who is as successful as you and who really cares about them as much as you do. I hope you are able to go away to college as it might be beneficial to separate yourself from them for a while. Please keep us posted.