<p>For as long as I can remember, I always looked forward to the idea of visiting my child at parents’ weekend. I envisioned us walking through some beautiful campus, leaves turning color, my child happy to see us, maybe meeting some of her friends, taking her out to dinner, listening in on a lecture.</p>
<p>The reality: she’s a sophomore, didn’t ask us to come last year or this. I have had so many disappointments with the school between poor advising and absolutely non-existent financial aid, I don’t really want to sit through any chest thumping presentations about how great the school is. Which is too bad. I read these descriptions of other parents enjoying visiting their kid. I think that’s so nice.</p>
<p>Back to OP: congrats on your child’s award! I think you should still go if you can swing it, see the award ceremony, but lay low.</p>
<p>I suggest to honor his request. Most likely going will involve some disappointment on your part.</p>
<p>Did any of you go to camp as a child? I remember the first year I went. I was sure I wanted to stay for 2 two week sessions. My brother only wanted to stay for one. Well. there was some separation pangs (homesick) when we (brother and I) arrived for the first session. It passed fairly quickly. Then comes the end of the first session. My parents just “had” to come see me and pick up my brother rather than have him come home on the camp bus as the vast number of other 1 session kids did.</p>
<p>I thought I’d die when I saw my parents drive off after spending the morning at the camp. It was 5 times harder to get over than the initial separation.</p>
<p>Your S may want to avoid this. I don’t know. But, I do know whatever his reasons are, from his perspective you probably appear to be disregarding his request and feelings and treating him like a child with no say.</p>
<p>I’d say to him “you know that we are really proud of you and if you wanted we would love to share this moment with you. But, we are going to honor your request.” I’d go farther and say "we’ve calculated what the gas and rooms were going to cost and are sending you all/half/whatever of that amount as a “congrats.”</p>
<p>Hhhmmm. I am surprised that so many think that the OP should not attend. The college sent the PARENTS an invitation to attend Parents Week-end. While opinions differ on how interesting these events are (think it depends on the college),it is clear that colleges go to a lot of effort to host these events. I believe that it is the parent’s invitation to accept or decline. So long as OP does not expect too much from his son, my vote would be to go and enjoy! I am certain that there will be a nice lunch or cocktail reception to attend that will make the trip worthwhile if your son is “scarce” that week-end.</p>
<p>This is weird to me as I actually expressed a preference for my parents to come to Parent’s weekend over them coming to help with move-in day back when I was an undergrad freshman. </p>
<p>As a 17 year old freshman, I felt this was the best way to demonstrate true independence: do the gruntwork alone, invite parents for the fun parts with the child serving as an ad hoc tour guide. :)</p>
<p>I guess that if a parent wants to experience the offerings of a Parent Weekend for what the college offers the parents as activities, etc., then perhaps go. But, if this is really about visiting the student, I’d stick with honoring the student’s request.</p>
<p>I went to Parent Weekend at my freshman’s university a couple weeks ago. She wanted us to come, but certainly didn’t want to spend the whole weekend with us. We shared a couple meals, met some of the friends and their parents, and went to a soccer game, a tailgate and football game together. I think we spent more time with our D than many parents did with their children. I doubt we’ll be back for another Parent Weekend (we’ve BTDT now and there are better times to visit), and I suspect as time goes on our D will spend less and less time with us if we do visit. I was going for her, though, and if she didn’t want us to come, I would not.</p>
<p>It depends on priorities, and they are different from family to family. One family will put their entertainment ahead of their respect for kid’s wishes, which is completely fine. But another family has a different set of values and will respect kid’ wish first and foremost despite of anticipation of missing entertainment. Wisdom has really nothing to do with it. It more depends on your set of values and priorities in your family life.</p>
<p>I think oftentimes they change their minds last minute when they realize everyone else’s parents are there. Think you have the right attitude, particularly with the award. What better time than Parents Weekend anyway, they have the time carved out, everyone else will have parents at the game, many are with their parents so there is not as much going on socially (and it is not like you are planning on spending the night with him, plenty of time after you leave to do whatever he has planned). Maybe offer to bring a friend whose parents are not there for dinner? MAKE RESERVATIONS, nothing worst than wandering around because you cannot get in anyplace…</p>
<p>Here’s another perspective. My D attends a boarding school in the Northeast and plays a team sport. A group of parents who live within an hour or so of the school often attend games to support the team. We go, we cheer, we leave. Most times all we get is a wave from our children. Mid season one player told her mother to stop coming and she did. Child never gave a reason. (I know the mother was hurt as we share the driving). The coach ran into the mother at conferences a few weeks later and said “we missed you last week at the game”. The mother explained and the coached was surprised and dismayed.
Long story short, my D told me that the coach gathered the girls together and gave them the “it takes a village” lecture. She emphasized that schools are communities that value everyone who makes the students’ journey there possible. She also told them that they should be able to find it in themselves to appreciate and welcome those who have supported them along the way, and who have helped make it possible for them to attend such a wonderful school. Think the message was think about yourself, but think about others too. I tend to agree with her.</p>
<p>^That sounds to me like a push from a coach. If my kid all of a sudden ask me to come after stating that she does not want to see me at the game, I would definitely make sure that it is coming from her own heart, not from the coache’s speach or anybody else who is making comment about parent being absent. The comment or a speeach would not be a welcoming statements anyway. If I am asked why I am not there, I would not even refer back to my child, I would possibly say that I have other commitments. Because refering back to a child is basically asking help from a coach. Coach just did what parent was implicitly asking her to do. I am never ever hurt if a kid does not want to see us, they must have their reasons, whatever they are I would not think too much about them, I just take them as is.</p>
I think a boarding school scenario is completely different than a college scenario due to the kid’s age and independence. I wouldn’t generally give a boarding school kid a choice - they’re still a minor. I realize a lot of freshmen college students are technically minors as well because they’re 17 but they’re at a different point in time in their lives and there’s a difference.</p>
<p>The other thing, maybe this kid saw the list of activities and just said, NOT FUN but if mom and dad come he will feel obligated to go. This should be the child’s decision, not the parent’s.</p>
<p>It’s a good idea not to expect to spend a whole lot of time with your student, even if he wants you to come to Parents Weekend.</p>
<p>Our Parents Weekend visit coincided with various club initiations, practices, and a lot of work due early the next week. We enjoyed seeing our D in her new habitat, but we spend a lot of time on our own. It just worked out that way. Don’t expect wonderful togetherness with your kid. Parents are observers, not really guests. If that bothers you, it’s best not to go. We were actually thrilled that she was busy and thriving, and did not really need us!</p>
<p>Experienced college parent here. We flew to our daughter’s first parents weekend at a fairly good sized expense after the flight, car and hotel. She had a lot of commitments and though she apologized, we really only had a few meals with her. We were delighted to see that she was eating, thriving, and living life to it’s fullest, but was that worth all of that money? DW says yes and I say probably not. At the breakfast on Sunday, I was jokingly asking around to see if there were any parents there for their SECOND parents weekend. Couldn’t find any. We haven’t been back for another one and she’s a junior. </p>
<p>I think if you know what to expect (which is very little), then you won’t be disappointed. Otherwise, at least your son has warned you. </p>
<p>You have to go though, it’s just one of those things like sophomore PSATs. It has no real value but we as parents insist on it anyway.</p>
<p>^Well, it all depends. Our D. wanted us to come to the very first one, we did not come to others. She planned it in certain way (because it was her desire to spend time with us) that we spend most of the time with her. We walked on campus a lot, she showed us some beautiful sights and special places, we went to a show of our choice…and we did not come when she said that it was no point. But this events are probably different from school to school. We were not dissapointed with the visit as well as with “NO visit”. Just take it as is, do not think too much.</p>
<p>I remember being a freshman. I loved the independence, the new life, my new friends. My dorm was my home. MINE - not just a room in my parent’s house. It was wonderful and new and exciting.</p>
<p>And I didn’t want my parents to “infect” my new life with expectations and viewpoints and habits from my old life. I didn’t want my mom to nag me like I was a little kid. I didn’t want her to criticize how I organized my dorm room or worry about how late I stayed out at night. It was MY home, MY decisions, MY life. I was 17 and away from home and doing very well. I wanted to forget all about high school and they were just reminders.</p>
<p>Now, that sounds very self-centered and snotty, but hey, I was 17. And I never told them not to come. But I do remember being very happy when they left. lol </p>
<p>So just make it clear you don’t expect him to spend the whole weekend with you. That you want to see the scholarship ceremony and you’ll be glad to buy him dinner, but everything else is up for grabs. If he knows you’re taking a laidback approach, he’ll probably have a much better attitude about the whole thing.</p>
<p>My guess is it’s not so much that the OP’s son doesn’t want them to come, it’s more that he doesn’t want them to bother with all that driving when the reality is he probably has a lot going on that weekend. </p>
<p>I have always visited each kid once a semester (one seven hours away, the other eight). I know I won’t get to see them all that much (a few weeks ago it was maybe two hours on Friday and maybe six on Saturday, five of which were spent watching him play his sport). I also learned early on not to even bother trying to see them Sunday morning. You sit around for hours that you could be on the road, and they’re pretty groggy for the good-bye hugs.</p>
<p>I’d make sure he understands that you’d really like to see him get his award, and for a meal or two besides, and then go have a nice getaway weekend. (These trips are also partially for me–I love down time in a hotel room! No laundry or cleaning to think about!!) My kids would be fine if I didn’t come visit, but I like that over four years I get to know their friends, the school, and the town a little better than I would if I hadn’t made the effort.</p>
<p>^You see how different all are. Our D. misses her house - our house, she always is looking forward to be at home, her home (our home). She is 23 y o and is in Grad. School.</p>
<p>My son was on opposite coast. During the parents weekend, I met a wonderful mom who lived locally. Her son was in same House as the worm. This mom invited the worm and me for t-day, and her son was generous with his help over the years.</p>
<p>^^^^^
It is indeed what you make it. And don’t forget that many parents are coming “home”, as they may have attended the school themselves. Further, some students just embrace college life more than others, and genuinely enjoy the whole school spirit thing.</p>