<p>We visited my oldest daughter, a freshman at The University of Maryland-College Park, during the recently concluded Parents’ Weekend. We had a great time, and she seems to be doing really well. What follows is a set of things we learned about visiting your kids in college which will hopefully be of use to some in the future:</p>
<li><p>Be flexible about scheduling. Your kids have school projects, social lives, and even ordinary concerns, like lack of sleep, which don’t magically end when you set foot on campus. Let them set the tone, and decide when they want to do things. Case in point–a shopping trip with my wife was postponed from afternoon until after dinner because my daughter wanted to catch up on an hour or so of sleep in a quiet hotel room with a nice soft bed and lots of pillows. She emerged refreshed, and the rest of the day was relaxed and fun. </p></li>
<li><p>Don’t force yourself into everything they do on the weekend–The kids want to see you, but they’re also in the midst of forming friendships and relationships. We went to Maryland Madness, the traditional kickoff to the college basketball season, and told her to go with the group of friends she had been planning to go with while we sat by ourselves. Also, while we told her we were happy to meet her friends, we also told her that this was not a situation where we were screening her social life, and meeting 1 friend or 20 was up to her. For freshmen in particular, it is harder early on to know which friends will be long term, and thus which ones you want the family to meet and know. </p></li>
<li><p>Listen, rather than talk–kids away from home for the first time on a semi-permanent basis are going to go through some new experiences, and see people doing things that may have been outside their experiences at home. If they start talking about these things, and you get judgmental about their acquaintances’ actions (or even theirs, if they’re not too bad), you’re much more likely to make your kid clam up, and not tell you about things you might want, or need, to hear. Unless your kid is telling you that they’re doing drugs, getting drunk on weekends, or not going to class, let them learn about social choices without your interference, particularly since you aren’t going to be there to enforce things anyway (ours is 700+ miles from home). </p></li>
<li><p>Don’t use the weekend to check up on how school is going, or whether your kid is “really happy”–If you know your kid well enough, that should come through. In any event, it interferes with the joy of seeing your child, and enjoying being with them, if you spend the weekend trying to micromanage the college experience.</p></li>
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<p>I am sending my Ds sister, 16, for family weekend, my H and I aren't going for different reasons, but a BIG one is that I want my Ds, two very close sisters, to have that time to get together, so that younger D has more of a real college experience without me tagging along and allowing them to indeed set their own agenda</p>
<p>I know my D will take sis along to things, meeting other people, hanging out with friends, much more readily because mom isn't lurking</p>
<p>My D and I talk often for short bursts - hey I got an A on that paper, and can you send me my shoes, and did you here about that thing in the news?</p>
<p>So while I miss her, I feel good about her life right now, and want to step back so she and her sister can have that time</p>
<p>and your post is very helpful!!! It is how I try and handle the phone calls....</p>
<p>We have visited several times over the past 2 years. For a 1-2 day visit, I would guess we actually average about 2-4 hours of contact time and that includes the time spent taking D and her friends to dinner. My D always let us know she was busy and reviewed her commitments. Now we just expect it.</p>
<p>We've already visited our first-year D several times. We probab wouldn't bother going up for Parents' Wknd, but for the fact that she doesn't want to be the only one whose family didn't make the trip.</p>
<p>CGM - We are seinding younger D up a day early, so that the sisters to have some time together (w/o us).</p>
<p>I didn’t go to last year’s Parent Weekend because my then senior D had her last Band Festival, but we went this year to visit both of our children.
Having two in the same college it’s much easier, whenever one is busy the other it is not and you can plan things separately enjoying both kids and also enjoying dinner all together. My H went to S’s classes (they both are science guys) and I went to my D classes getting reminiscence of years ago. We met many friends of my S and D. There were times with no children at all since activities didn’t stop because of us and it was nice walking around campus by ourselves too. D invited us to see a musical (S didn’t want to go to see it again), and I kept watching her smile and laugh remembering when she was little. Obviously we couldn’t escape the traditional shopping at Target and the supermarket. Saying good-bye for another 40 days took longer than before and many kisses and hugs in between. I can’t believe the babies are adults now!</p>
<p>Lots of good advice, dt3. We were careful, too, to get little glimpses of his life and friends without being too intrusive. The first night we took him to dinner and left right after. The next day we met him for lunch at the cafeteria, he took us on a tour of campus, we gave him a few hours break and then met again for dinner. It was clear that the dorm was gearing up for weekend fun both nights and we wanted him to get in on that.</p>
<p>We didn't need to ask if he was happy and had friends. We could see that he was and did.</p>
<p>I attended Parents weekend without my h(our youngest couldn't miss school). I wish he had been able to attend and would encourage arranging that to other parents. Most parents were accompanied and I spent a great deal of time walking alone to the various seminars.</p>
<p>Good advice here. I remember when we went on our first Parent Weekend and learned all of this. We advised several friends about what to expect when they went on their visits and all reported back they were glad to be forewarned. It helps with expectations all around to go into it more aware.</p>
<p>I agree with you cornfed. It turns out that actual contact time, as pointed out by another poster, is much less than you might think. So it's good to go on the trip with the idea in mind that you're visiting the PLACE you're headed as well. We did the Parents Weekends for both our kids the first year or two.
Now, we visit when it works best for all concerned. Luckily, one of our kids goes to school in New Orleans, so there's plenty to do when not with Kid#2.</p>
<p>I wish our kids were both in the same city (it WOULD) make lots of things easier. But I am quite sure they like it just the way it is!</p>
<p>Parents' weekend is this coming weekend at my school. My parents are both coming but not taking part in the organized activities; my sister can't come. Most parents are arriving on Saturday, but mine are flying in on Friday, so they're going to take me and some friends out to dinner near campus. I have to attend something for class that night, so they know they'll be on their own for a couple of hours. (My dad is an alum, so I'm sure he'll be dragging my mom around to his old apartments and class buildings for the 100th time.) My friends and I are all planning on going on Friday as usual, which usually means waking up pretty late. I'm not sure about our Saturday plans, but we'll probably do some shopping and go out to dinner downtown. We were trying to get some football tickets, but I'm not sure whether that will work out. My birthday is the following weekend, so my parents are bringing up presents and we'll have a little birthday celebration. I'm not sure whether I'll see them on Sunday or not because I don't know when their flight is, but I'll really need to do work on Sunday, so if I see them it will be brief. </p>
<p>Definitely allow time for trips to Target or CVS or the grocery store. Lots of students are waiting for parents' weekend to buy things with the hopes that mom and dad will foot the bill.</p>
<p>When we visit D we just take her to dinner and a movie. We don't even set foot on her campus; she comes down from dorm (back on campus after being in apt. last year) and meets us on Broadway.</p>
<p>This is her desire. A quiet respite from college life. An expensive dinner. A movie she doesn't have to pay for.</p>
<p>We drop her off, and that's it!</p>
<p>This year she requested Ang Lee's new film which she is "dying to see".
We'll see her Fri.</p>
<p>Next week is S's p'weekend. We've been up once already, for B'day. He's performing Bach Bminor Mass with chorus on Fri night, so we'll definitely be in the same room. Sat. night tickets for Williamstown Film Festival (at S's request.) H begged to go on one of the organized hikes; S said, "we'll see". </p>
<p>He has to see us because dorms have special "parties" so parents of entry mates can meet each other. Hehe.</p>
<p>If he doesn't want to see us for the rest of the weekend it's okay; we'll be at the art museums!</p>
<p>He's never been into sports. But there are two, one men's, one women's, games against Amherst. THAT I think he might want to go to. But do I?
Hmm.</p>
<p>Being single, I attend such events alone. I really appreciate chatting with other parents, for the sharing of perspectives, and just cause it's fun to meet new people. Tried to find some in a similar situation, but was quite similar to Noah's Ark, all proceeding 2 by 2, and not much set up to facilitate parents meeting each other. But nice to get a feel for my Ds activities, see the town a bit, watch her tennis practice. I was glad to have reading material and people I needed to catch up with on my cell, so as to make good use of that time for myself when she was busy.</p>
<p>For down time: I LOVE being back in the university environment with a good book. I always take a book, and when left to my own devices, I find a corner of a library or a coffee shop and indulge in reading and people watching.</p>
<p>What I think will happen with my Ds, (I am not going, but sister is 16 1/2) is that big sis will be more able and willing to take sis to meet with friends, and hang out than if I was in the picture.....and if big sis is busy, little sis has no problem waiting, or walking around or just playing on the computer in the dorm</p>
<p>so the two sisters can sit together at the game, at the show, with friends...without mom in the background, who would be just fine, but I just know big sis will take little sis around much more without me and do more of her natural habitat things if not thinking about mom</p>
<p>When I visited big sis at college when I was 16 I learned to play Beer Pong. Just so you know. ;) </p>
<p>(I didn't drink when I was 16, so I played with water, but it was the first time I had really been around a lot of young people drinking. And alcohol was readily available if I wanted to drink, with promises that Mom wouldn't know. I actually think I may have been 15 at the time.)</p>
<p>Corranged is completely correct about that Target trip. I wish I knew what S needs those five rolls of duct tape for...or maybe I don't.</p>
<p>The OP is also right...we found that S was extremely difficult to drag out of bed for a daily 8 am racquetball game with his father. We had a great time anyway, but didn't see S as much as we thought we would. As the OP said...he's got his own life in college now. Yikes.</p>
<p>We assumed we'd be on our own for am activities!</p>
<p>great lakes mom</p>
<p>I'd met several parents with students at my son's college here on CC, so we exchanged cell phone #s and met in person at orientation and Family Weekend.</p>
<p>I was on the fence about going to parents weekend, as it was a looong trip. I'm so glad I went, as I was able to find out about S's new life. It was okay for me to be visiting with him and his friends, because, parents were SUPPOSED to be on campus. In the infrequent communiques, we hear "things are okay", so it was nice to have his friends tell me about what the classes and social life are like.</p>
<p>While I probably won't go to P.W. in future years, it was definitely worth going for the first year, to see for myself that things are going well.</p>
<p>Parents' Weekend is coming up this weekend for us. I appreciate all of these posts, and am pretty happy to say I thought of a lot of this before. One cute thing-- my D and her 5 close friends are making reservations for them and all their parents at a local restaurant for Saturday night so we can all be together. That made a big smile on our faces when she told us that! Even if that's the biggest chunk of time with her, it will be great. Can't wait...</p>
<p>Just got back from Parent's Weekend. I had signed us up for all sorts of activities. D's desires - off-campus food, and shopping! We saw more of her than we thought we would. And we also had dinner with 3 friends & their parents, but of course, the kids weren't organized enough to do anything like make reservations! </p>
<p>The best part was seeing that she really did have good friends, as opposed to acquaintances (of course, lots of the latter too). By the time we left, it was time for us to leave. Felt really good - she was "home".</p>