So I’ve been looking at some colleges, and a common complaint I’ve received from my parents (mostly dad) is that they’re too liberal. I really don’t want a political debate in this thread so please stay away from that but how should I handle this? I’m a junior so I haven’t applied or anything like that, but I’m worried they’ll be hesitant to even let me apply, much less go, to more liberal schools.
I’m decently smart and have pretty good grades and test scores (4.0 UW 35 ACT) so I could go out of state on a scholarship, and I really don’t enjoy the environment of my southern moderately-sized town. I’m “liberal” by north Louisiana standards (probably moderate up north or in CA lol) and my dad complains a lot about me being interested in places in New York or California or women’s colleges. My mom in particular is against women’s colleges because she’s worried I’ll start dating a girl and I’m sure my dad would be too for similar reasons, we just haven’t had that conversation. How should I go about this? I don’t feel like politics are a valid reason to tell me I can’t go somewhere, but I know their values are important to them. I just don’t agree with a lot of their views when it comes to LGBTQ people, traditional gender roles for women, some things about their type of Christianity, etc.
I guess what I’m trying to ask is how do I convince them that going to a liberal school isn’t the end of the world, I’d be happier in a more accepting environment than the type of city I’m in, and although I know their values are important to them, ultimately I just don’t feel like that is how I want to choose a college? I don’t want to come off as too far away from their values (although I know they already know I don’t agree with them on everything) and I certainly can’t make my dad think I’m gay. I also don’t want to seem like I’m insulting what they believe or that I think they’re bad because of their beliefs because they’re both great and I love them very much.
They are fine with many colleges and are supporting me in looking into Vandy, UNC, etc. which is great and I’m thankful for that, but if I get really interested in Smith, Stanford, Scripps, Claremont McKenna, University of Vermont or Colorado or something like that (all of which I’ve liked what I’ve seen so far about them), I’m not sure that that conversation would go very well and I don’t know the best way to handle it. Do y’all have any advice?
Is this a common problem?
Thanks
Define liberal. Or, more to the point, what’s your parents’ definition of liberal?
I can certainly empathize with your post. I spent a year in high school living in northern Louisiana, and one of my parents would throw occasional curveballs in my college search (including excluding Georgetown after I had visited, because he was going through a very anti-Catholic phase, though there were times before and after that that he praised the Jesuit approach to education). Nor did we always align on political and religious matters either. All that to say, I have a good idea of where you’re coming from.
That said, if your parents are funding your education, they get a say in how they want their money spent. I would urge you to speak with them candidly and for all of you to come to agreement (and write down the agreement) about what they are or are not willing to pay for. Some families don’t want their kids to be further away than a certain distance. Some families don’t want their child to attend a college with any religious affiliation. Your family sounds as though it cares about how liberal the college is. That is a constraint that you will need to deal with in your college search if you want them to fund your education.
It sounds as though your family is not taking an extreme position (i.e. Vandy and UNC are okay). If, for instance, your family was insisting on Liberty U., Louisiana Christian, and perhaps Baylor as the most liberal they’d be willing to go, then I think you’d have a stronger case to try and widen your family’s perspective.
I guess what I would try and find out from your family is, how do they define too liberal? Is it N*che ratings of the campus? Or how the school performs on the Campus Pride Index? Or whether there is a registered campus Republican party? Or Christian student organizations? Or…? See what criteria they feel are important. Then, you may be able to show that a Claremont McKenna or Smith or Stanford would meet their criteria. Or, if they don’t, then you know how you need to restrict your own college search.
This might sound silly, but as you begin talking about options, the sooner you can make sure that everyone understands that “liberal arts” doesn’t mean “socially/politically liberal”, the better.
OP- figure out where you can get in and what you can afford.
Then you can start talking up the fantastic prayer circle at Emory, the mission trips to Haiti sponsored by the student association at Davidson, the Young Republicans club at Vandy and the Conservative League Debate society at Wake Forest or Richmond.
You can join or affiliate with whatever student organizations you want to once you get to college. But get a robust list together and emphasize that there are students who share your parents values at all the schools on that list.
If you can’t afford any of these schools, do some research and figure out if you can find your “people” at any public U in your state.
But don’t engage in a debate about which colleges are liberal or LGBTQ friendly. Get them focused on the incredible conservative/church-based communities at schools you ARE interested. Once you get there, you can choose to participate or not.
I think you should make a list of your top choices. I bet you can find prominent conservatives who attended those schools. It is easy to Google the alumni of any institution.
The reality is you can find liberals and conservatives at most any college - including UVM and American University (considered most liberal).
The reality is that you’ll find that most kids are students - more engaged in parties and studying - than actively doing politics.
The same with the schools. All schools should teach you to think critically - and that’s how we develop a society that better works together. Most mainstream schools are out there to educate and provide a platform for you to develop as a person. Yes, activities on both sides, are there if you seek them out.
But short of some religious institutions or a Hillsdale, I’m not sure that schools are there to indoctrinate.
I’ve got one at a considered conservative student body (Alabama) and he does zero politics…knows nothing about them and I see no bias whatsoever from the school.
I have a 2nd at what’s considered a more liberal school, in a more liberal city. College of Charleston. While she’s more aware of the world and has interest (unlike my son), I don’t see anything from the school whatsoever. But I do know she’s in a current events class and she says there’s open debate - and no position at all from the professor who will simply moderate for purposes of advancing the discussion - and there’s lots of opinions in class. But this is a class designed for this - vs. say Chemistry.
You need to grow as a person and that will come from yourself. The school is just a platform.
Let your parents know - kids of varying political scope and mindset litter the country - and that their interpretations are based on perception but not reality.
Two examples below that they probably don’t know exist - one from a “liberal” school whatever that means and one from a “conservative” school - whatever that means.
College Republicans - UVM Clubs
Home - College Democrats | Louisiana State University (lsu.edu)
Keep your eye on the ball, OP: the goal is to find a college that 1) you like and 2) your parents can & will support your attending. Remember that college is just a stage in the journey, not the destination.
Mixing Smith and UVt. (famously small and high on the ostentatiously ‘liberal’ end of the scale) with Claremont McKenna and Stanford isn’t helpful. When you say “If I get really interested” you indirectly acknowledge a degree of choice. At this stage there are many, many schools that you are / can be interested in, so you have a lot to work with.
So: back up and focus on what you want from your college experience (besides not staying in Louisiana!).
First and biggest limiter for most people is budget: what can (and will) your family afford to pay? If your parents say ‘we can pay for our State U, and we don’t want to spend anymore than that’, then there’s your budget. With your grades and test scores there are out of state state universities that will be very affordable (Alabama & Arizona come to mind, but there are others). Most of the famous name private schools (eg Stanford) only give financial aid to meet need, so you will need to know what the EFCs are likely to be. And there are less-famous but truly excellent private schools that have great merit aid (eg, Washington & Lee). Run the calculators on the websites of the colleges you might be interested in to find out where your family falls.
The fun part is figuring out what colleges might be a good fit for you. What do you want to study? what schools have programs in that field that look particularly interesting? What kind of school environment do you think will have a lot of 'your people"? Do a LOT of exploring this year- and then do some more.
There’s no point getting into heated debates with your parents over a hypothetical: learn more about what is actually important to you (seriously- this is hard work, but is a critical part of the job of college selection), and find a range of places that will be a good fit with that (in terms of admissions, affordability and parental acceptability). Bring your parents along on the journey- as an exploration / factfinding effort. It sounds as if their understanding of what’s ‘out there’ has room for growth as well. Listen to their feedback and pick out every sensible bit you can find. For you and them, you don’t need an actual list any sooner than next August. Use the gift of time well!
It sounds like your parents are wary of both a school being liberal, AND/OR the location being too liberal for their desire. If that’s true, going to states viewed by conservatives as liberal may be a tough thing to persuade your parents of allowing. That will probably cancel schools in CA, NYC, and whatever other places your parents highlight.
The good news is your parents are likely more lenient regarding schools in the south, and you can use this to your advantage. They already approve of you applying to UNC and Vandy. In those states are schools like Rhodes, Davidson, and Wake Forest.
Also below the Mason Dixon line (or relatively close) are other escape schools for you that might appeal to students with your grades/scores, such as U Richmond, Emory, Rollins, St Louis U, and Creighton.
It sounds like the least effective way to approach your parents is to debate whether individual schools or locations are too liberal for them. Instead, provide them with a list of schools you have already researched and decided are appropriate for you. Don’t tell your parents these are schools you think are “liberal” enough for you. Just tell them these are schools you like because of majors offered, or outcomes of graduates, or something positive totally unrelated to being liberal.
And of course, also include all the schools in places you’re not sure your parents will accept. They might surprise you.
And what happens AFTER you have begun college, and your father (and I presume mom will go along with him) decides that he doesn’t like your politics, friends, love interest, major, color shirt? Just because they fund the first semester, doesn’t mean that they won’t pull the financial rug out from under you if he doesn’t like something about the person you’ve grown into.
You’ve got excellent grades and scores. Save yourself a lot of future grief, and go where you can get a full ride. The fact is that you might not even be able to get the 5.5-6.5K/yr loan from the feds, if your parents flat out refuse to fill out a FAFSA. So find yourself full rides. Arizona. New Mexico. Anywhere that might give you a complete, total, full ride. Go there, and then live your life as you like. Plan to work away from home in the summers. Go home when and as often as YOU want, on your own terms, as a loving, INDEPENDENT daughter.
Some things to consider:
- pretty much every college campus in America leans liberal. Your parents probably just don’t know it.
- focus on the specific types of programs available at the colleges you’re interested. Like, “Dad, College X has a really great program in teaching mice how to weave baskets and I’m really interested in that.”
- stop talking so much with them about the politics and left or right leaning of a school.
- focus more on finding some good matches and safety schools that are affordable for you where you could see yourself attending for 4 yr.
- remind yourself that if you choose to go to grad school, you can always go to the most crunchy place imaginable if you want (Berkeley, for example).
- even schools in more conservative states have pockets around colleges which are more liberal.
I’m not completely sure. In a liberal state automatically makes it liberal. My dad went to Milsaps and often complains about how he had professors with communist beliefs so that definitely lol. Very openly LGBTQ friendly probably.
What ARE you looking for in a college? What do you want to study? What is your budget? One thing to consider is that even large southern state schools have hundreds of organizations where you could find your “people.” DD easily found her “people” through clubs like Film. When you attend a school like an Alabama or LSU, the student bodies are so large that you can find similarly opinionated students because most students cannot afford to go to an OOS school.
Yeah my parents said they can contribute around 15-20k per year and I’m not sure if that includes living costs or not. My parents are divorced and it sounds like they aren’t exactly on the same page on how much money the other parent can contribute. We’ll have to talk about that at some point in the few months probably. Or this summer. Either way, a full ride would be great but I can probably make a 1/2-2/3 scholarship work. I plan to apply to some private scholarships. We probably won’t qualify for much, if any, need based aid. Thank you for your advice!
So what you’re saying sounds logical to me. One parent, however, is convinced that colleges are indoctrinating students to be extremely far left. Claims they intentionally keep all/most conservatives out of academia, preach communism, etc. Sounds irrational to me, but I just shut up and listen and politely nod when this comes up because the only way to convince him otherwise would be to approach the subject when he isn’t angrily ranting about it. I will let them know that colleges all over have clubs and organizations from across beliefs, no matter where it is. Thanks!
I’ve been looking and it is pretty fun. My parents are divorced and i don’t think they’re quite on the same page with what the other is willing to pay, so we’ll need to have that conversation somewhat soon. Probably somewhere between 20-30k including living expenses, so a 1/2-2/3 scholarship would be needed for out of state and I can go for about the same price as LSU to the University of Arkansas, which is currently my backup. I will make sure to bring up individual colleges to them and not just have a hypothetical conversation about “liberal colleges.” Thanks!!
Thanks! For that reason and so that I can drive home, most schools I’m looking into are in the Mid-Atlantic/Appalachian area. We’re touring UNC, Duke, UVA, James Madison, and University of Richmond this spring break and I’m very excited. I toured Rhodes already with my mom and she thought it was a little weird. I don’t really have a better word for it. My dad didn’t like the idea of a liberal arts college because the one he went to (Milsaps) was apparently really liberal, but I did explain that liberal arts college doesn’t mean politically liberal and I think he was more okay. Thanks for the advice! It seems like based on your response and others is just to show them my list of all colleges and not bring it up at all. I’ve shown them my list before, but we both knew I wasn’t super serious about the process yet because the last time I showed them a true list was months ago.
Worry about financial matches first. With strong budget limits and a possibly unwilling parent you will need merit aid. That alone will narrow your list of colleges and then you can choose among those feasible.
Yeah, unfortunately no shot at the ivies for me. But other schools are basically just as good and give aid and are a bit more chill. It’s not exactly what I was looking for, but Arkansas will be affordable (with my grades they’ll cover 90% of the out of state difference and that alone lowers the cost enough, and I could probably shoot for scholarships on top of that) so since I have that and I know I could be happy there, I’ll just apply to more competitive schools that offer merit scholarships and see what happens. If none of them give me enough money, I’ll go to Arkansas. If they do, then I’ll probably go there if it’s somewhere the parents agree to or I can convince them is okay.
A lot of students seem to get merit aid and like Alabama. Baylor seems to have generous merit aid too.