part II of "good enough for cornell"

Colleges & Universities A-Z Cornell University
1

<p>I completely scraped my previous essay and came up with this one:</p>

<p>Breaking New News: Family of four buried in a mudslide as Hurricane Ivan lashed Jamaica Saturday, police said, bringing death toll to 19</p>

<pre><code>On Wednesday, September 15th 2004 this was the breaking news that interrupted the television program I was watching. Unfortunately it was my family. It was that point in time that I realized family were the most meaningful and important to me. I once heard a quote but it never meant anything to me “My family comes out to practice, and they’re at every game.” The people who have taught me where and how far I have come, who helped build self-confidence and self-esteem, and set realistic goals that matched my ambition with my ability, the driving force behind me when I needed a little push, are the most important people anyone could have. It was the encouragement of my very own grandmother who died in the hurricane that helped me to remain steadfast, and dedicated to my studies throughout these last three years of high school. I claim Beatrice Pitter to be unsurpassed in wisdom, and the most influential person I have ever met in my life-time. It was because of her who taught morals and values, why my mother in turn was able to educate me on every segment of my life

Its heartrending to know that the people who have nursed me from youth to age, who shared with me a unyielding attachment whose lives intertwined with mine but was easily severed at a moments notice. It was my very own family who taught me that bad things happened for a reason, but I never believed. I am now an advocate of that very quote. Now I have learned to appreciate what I have been blessed with, because when it’s gone I would have realized how much I needed it. I have come from a line of sagacious people, a legacy I am now grateful for. This is why family has become the most meaningful and important aspect of my existence.
</code></pre>

2

<p>can someone grade this?</p>

3

<p>is this a question from the common apps?</p>

4

<p>This has the same underlying problem as the last essay: poor grammar and bad choice of words seriously detract from its quality. It's very difficult to understand what you're trying to say. The tone of the essay isn't natural at all. You need to brush up on some fundamentals.</p>

5

<p>can you point out the sentences with incorrect grammar, and vocab?</p>

6

<p>It's not a problem that can be traced to specific sentences. The entire essay shows a lack of understanding of verb tense and punctuation, and the vocabulary you use gives a strong impression that you looked through a thesaurus and found subsitutes for less sophisticated -- but more fitting --words.</p>

7

<p>it isnt the common app. 500 words max, this is 300 and something</p>

8

<p>its a rough draft anyway, but thanks for the input. and yes i do know those words, but i guess ill have to substitue them, if these changes are made what would you think about the essay?</p>

9

<p>Let me at it...again...
Honestly, I think you're wasting everyone's time, as this essay is clearly unedited. Please read it outloud, it doesn't even try to follow the standard conventions of English. The other one was much better...and it still managed to bastardize the accepted system of grammar.<br>
It seems that you haven't taken note of any of the comments on your previous essay, so I'm not going to bother being nice this time, I'll just make my point...</p>

<p>Breaking New** the word new is unnecessary, as all breaking news tends to be new** News: Family of four buried in a mudslide as Hurricane Ivan lashed Jamaica ** lashed Jamaica? I don't know if it's just me, but that sounds awkward ** Saturday, police said, bringing death toll to 19 period...</p>

<p>On Wednesday, September 15th 2004 this was the breaking news*you already said it was breaking news* that interrupted the television program I was watching. Unfortunately it was my family** not only is this a fragment, but you do not specify what "it" was . It was that point in time that I realized family were the most meaningful and important to meno, just no...reword this sentence*. I once heard a quote but it never meant anything to me **comma before a quote“My family comes out to practice, and they’re at every game.” The people who have taught me where * where, they taught you where you had come? that's scary that you were unaware of where you were ** and how far I have come, who helped build self-confidence and self-esteem, and set realistic goals that matched my ambition with my ability, the driving force behind me when I needed a little push, are the most important people anyone could have ** unlike the previous sentence, this one is enormous and can be broken down in to several smaller ones that are less vague and worded correctly*. It was the encouragement of my very own grandmother who died* sorry about your grandma, now I feel like a jerk for tearing this apart, don't take it personally** in the hurricane that helped me to remain steadfast,no comma and dedicated to my studies throughout these last three years of high school. I claim Beatrice Pitter to be unsurpassed in wisdom, and the most influential person I have ever met in my life-time*My grandma, Beatrice Pitter is the most wise and influential person I have ever met- yea that sounds better. It was because of her who taught morals and values, why my mother in turn was able to educate me on every segment of my life* this is not a sentence, you also did not end it in a period...**</p>

<p>Its heartrending to know that the people who have nursed me from youth to age, who shared with me a unyielding attachment*comma* whose lives intertwined with mine but was** WERE, SUBJECT VERB AGREEMENT, DID I TOTALLY WASTE MY TIME ON YOUR OTHER ESSAY?easily severed at a moments notice this sentence is totally incomprehensible, is a run on, has two subjects, and unclear verb agreement*. It was my very own family who* I think that would sound better, although you can leave who if you want, personally I view family as more of a unit** taught me that bad things happened for a reason, but I never believed. I am now an advocate of that very quote. Now I have learned to appreciate what I have been blessed with, because when it’s gone I would have realized how much I needed it** you can't use three different tenses in one sentence, it's like, illegal...unless you're able to do it correctly**. I have come from a line of sagacious people, a legacy I am now grateful for. This is why family has become the most meaningful and important aspect of my existence.</p>

<p>it also seems like you have abused a thesaurus, as the sophisticated words sporadically appear and do not coincide with your writing style</p>

<p>I don't know what you're getting at in this essay...it's hard to understand and it doesn't seem focused on much of anything.</p>

10

<p>Besides the grammatical stuff pointed out by others, you need to use your own voice in this piece. I know it sounds cliche to say this, but "show, don't tell". By saying stuff like "this is how..." and "this affected me by..." you're implying to the reader an uneasiness with getting your point across. Don't be afraid of people not understanding you; your views will still get across. Just be yourself. Focus on the emotions, not every little detail. It'll be much clearer once you do.</p>

11

<p>Ok. I'm going to ask the question that should have been asked about 2 threads and 30 posts ago....is English your first language?</p>

12

<p>lol!
hm, my message has to be 10 characters
but lol was all I had to say</p>

13

<h2>haha you guys are rough! Especially you perro..."is English your first language?" LOL</h2>

<p>anonymous -- follow the guidelines they've posted above, esp with grammar and proper English. Also, as a general thought, you need to work on developing this essay more. </p>

<p>You start off well -- your intro is a good grabber for the reader. And I understand the points you are trying to make, yet you need to articulate them better, and more profoundly. </p>

<p>This is just the foundation for a better essay I'm sure you will be able to write in the coming days. Good luck to you!</p>

14

<p>I'm glad I got the laughs but I actually wasnt kidding. His whole essay is about family in Jamaica, so I didn't know if maybe he wasn't from the U.S. Cornell does receive a lot of international/immigrant students and if English isn't one's first language I'm sure the admissions people take that into account.</p>

15

<p>ill just have my english teacher edit it for me. like i said it was something i came up with today i dont expect it to be perfection. is there anything in particular i should add to get my points across?</p>

16

<p>and i also think you people are forgetting this essay is only suppose to be 500 words max</p>

17

<p>well, not really, it's fine if you go less than 100 over. definitely have a teacher edit it, and use the first essay, not the second.</p>

18

<p>man, i know im stressing you guys out and its not even your essay but this is my FINAL POST. the grammar will be fixed, but i just wanted you to get a sense of the point i was trying to make by writing this essay</p>

<pre><code>Breaking News: Family of four buried in a mudslide as Hurricane Ivan lashed Jamaica Saturday, police said, bringing death toll to 19
</code></pre>

<p>This was a headline I would never forget due to the fact that the people killed in the mudslide were members of my family. It was that point in time that I realized family were the most meaningful and important to me. I once heard a quote, but it never meant anything much to me “My family comes out to practice, and they’re at every game.” The people who have taught me where and how far I’ve come, who helped build my self-confidence and self-esteem, and set realistic goals that matched my ability, the driving force behind me when I needed a little push, are the most important values anyone family could have taught. It was the encouragement of my very own grandmother who died in the hurricane that helped me to remain steadfast and dedicated to my studies throughout these last three years of high school. Beatrice Pitter was a women unsurpassed in wisdom, and the most influential person I have ever met. It was because of her who taught morals and values, why my mother in turn was able to educate me on every segment of my life.
To comprehend what my family has done for me over last few years is truly remarkable. I was motivated at times through tough love, but it turned out for the best. I was always told that no one owed me anything and that it was up to me to prove that I had something to offer. It was because of these constant lessons of life that I discovered that family had the capability of altering ones life, something close friends and strangers couldn’t
It’s painful to know that the people who nursed me from youth to age, who shared with me a firm attachment, whose lives intertwined with mine were severed in an instance. It was my very own family who taught me that bad things happened for a reason, but I never believed. I am now an advocate of that very quote. Now I have learned to appreciate what I have been blessed with. I come from a line of gifted people, a legacy I am now grateful for. This is why family has become the most meaningful and important aspect of my existence.</p>

19

<p>I think the general premise is good. This story is probably better than the "old man" story. I would get rid of the random quote and try to elaborate more on exactly how your family and especially the grandmother were/are influencial. Just keep working based on that premise and you will get somewhere. </p>

<p>Oh, and for the love of God, please get someone with an English degree and a lot of patience to sit down and edit this thing. When Spanks reads this he's going to go through the roof.</p>

20

<p>I tried...but I give up</p>