Penn State Essay. Please Edit. =)

<p>This is a rough draft of my Penn State Essay. Can you please edit it for me. </p>

<pre><code>I walked towards the gym door where a group of girls were already standing looking at the paper that the tennis coach had put up on the door. My hands getting sweaty, my cheeks turning red and my steps where getting slower and shorter as I made my way up to the door. As I was approaching the door, I kept saying the number fourteen in my head. I looked up at the paper and went down the row to see if my number was on the paper. And then my finger suddenly stopped and I was looking at the number fourteen with my eyes widened. I doubted myself thinking if fourteen was the number that had been given to me by my coach. Suddenly the senior captain of the tennis team tapped my shoulder and congratulated me for making the team! I just couldn’t believe I had made it; I guess waking up early everyday of that summer and practicing with my dad for 2 hours in the morning and then again in the evening had paid off. I was now part of the JFK Memorial High School Girls Tennis Team.

My dedication and hard work did not just end there. Not only had I made the tennis team my freshmen year; I had proved myself by being the only freshmen earning a position as the 7th rank on the varsity team. I also received the best sportsmanship award that year. However my tennis career didn’t just end there; by dedicating myself to the sport and practicing even when the season was over, my sophomore year I raised my rank to number five and then two my junior year along with being co-captain of the varsity team. And now, my senior year, I really proved my self by becoming the captain of the varsity team, winning division title, having an individual record of 16-0, and becoming athlete of the month.

I had started off my tennis career as an amateur to the sport of tennis. However, with my devotedness and commitment to the sport I achieved the highest position I could have imagined by my senior year. Commitment, Dedication, Devotion, and the ability to never give up are qualities that personify me. I live life breathing the smell of constraints and tasting the sweat of willpower. I believe that no matter how tough the situation may be or how frustrated I may get, I will be able to overcome anything that comes in my way to be successful. I believe that my full dedication to everything and anything I do will allow me to make my own imprint in Penn State and allow me to succeed in becoming one of the brightest students in Penn State.
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<p>I like how you start off with a short anecdote. It’s certainly interesting and I think it’ll draw the reader into your essay but the second paragraph makes it seem like you’re more interested in titles and ranks than what tennis meant to you personally and what you gained from it. You’ve basically just listed your tennis accomplishments. You say “Commitment, Dedication, Devotion, and the ability to never give up are qualities that personify me. I live life breathing the smell of constraints and tasting the sweat of willpower. I believe that no matter how tough the situation may be or how frustrated I may get, I will be able to overcome anything that comes in my way to be successful.” But you never give the reader a clear feeling of that in the body of your essay. Your accomplishments are obviously a result of your dedication and hard work in tennis, but they don’t paint a picture of you as an individual. I have a feeling tennis means a lot to you and this could be a really good essay. College essays are really hard and they’re nothing like what we usually see in school. I had a lot of trouble writing mine too but the main thing is to get comments from people (especially your english teacher!) and definitely look at other people’s essays. Good luck!</p>

<p>I hope the mods delete this thread. Posting essays is dangerous. Someone could copy/steal it.</p>

<p>A bit redundant , consider replacing duplicate words / phrases: dedication , devoted , paper. Don’t start a sentence with However or And.The word amateur is confusing , are you a professional now ? Consider beginner or something like that. Replace Suddenly , it seems as if the captain spooked you.
Have an English teacher check for grammar , some of your exclamation points should probably be periods , and I don’t like semi colons , end the sentence or find a connector.</p>

<p>Also replace or delete devotedness , I don’t think it is a word.</p>

<p>As for content , find a way to show your persona , athletic achievement is too common for application essay.The tennis thing is a good theme , but show some depth.Adcoms are reading thousands of essays like this.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>