Personal Statement Critique/Advice needed!

<p>I'm not really sure where to post this so I apologize in advance for any misgivings.</p>

<p>So for the Common App Personal Essay I decided to write about -> Topic of my own choice.</p>

<p>Anyways, I plan to write about my passion for mountain-biking and how that passion for mountain-biking has helped spawn my passion for school. (I got mostly B's/1 C in Freshmen year, B's/A's in sophomore year, all A's junior year, and basically, I want colleges to know I did not think much of/care for school until junior year and that I now try really hard and enjoy school more than ever). So, writing my personal state on my passion for biking and how that passion has grown into a passion for school a viable essay topic? I really want this essay to make up for my lack of gpa (due to weak fresh/soph years), I did mediocre on my Sat (2040) but I plan on taking the ACT and doing well on that.</p>

<p>I have the intro to my essay in the rough and I will post that but I'd like to hear whether what I plan to write about is good or not before I commit more time and effort to that topic.</p>

<p>Thanks alot! Sorry if my writing is all jumbled im posting this from my iphone.</p>

<p>Cool topic, but personally I wouldn’t say it quite like that. From what I read it kinda sounds like you weren’t interested in school, then you got into biking and it made you love school. No idea how that came about, but it makes you sound like a bit of a slacker! I’m sure you aren’t, of course, but it’s all about the phrasing, yes ? :)</p>

<p>If it were me, I would write something like how I was just a normal kid who went to school, but when I started biking I developed a passion for learning (of course you’ll have to explain how!) and intellectual curiosity which made me want to learn about all things possible, and naturally the wide pool of knowledge made me perform better in school.</p>

<p>Just a suggestion, nothing concrete, naturally :)</p>

<p>I think the problems with topics like these is that you run the risk of making yourself sound like a kid who wasn’t motivated to do well in school, and that’s never a good way to portray yourself, so tread carefully :)</p>

<p>Best of luck ! :)</p>

<p>Thanks for the feedback! And yeah, I totally agree with you on that my biking definitely isn’t a solid reason to give for my newfound interest in school. I really like your idea on how I could say when I started to bike I began to take an interest in school aswell, but the only problem with that one is i’ve been biking for years before I began to apply myself in school. </p>

<p>I’m just trying to figure out a way to properly incorporate my passion for biking and my newfound motivation/interest in school together fluidly into my essay. Thanks again for the input I really do appreciate it.</p>

<p>If you can tie biking and schoolwork together then fine. The common app essay is an empty canvas. The only thing that will absolutely come thru is honesty. That said however, you might not want to admit to not caring about schoolwork until junior year as it reeks of “performing for college.” The adcoms will view that as you only got your act together to look good for college apps. Some colleges, not all, want students who have always been intellectually curious and some of those students struggle freshman and sophmore years but the curiosity is still evident. You’ll want to steer clear of opening any doubt about your maturity. </p>

<p>Also, getting a 2040 on the SAT is not mediocre . . . it might be viewed as so for top schools but depending on your overall “package,” as a student it’s not going to kill all your options.</p>

<p>Hey to get more advice and replies post this in the “College Essay” forum. :)</p>

<p>DowneasterDad, thanks for "That said however, you might not want to admit to not caring about schoolwork until junior year as it reeks of “performing for college.” The adcoms will view that as you only got your act together to look good for college apps. Some colleges, not all, want students who have always been intellectually curious and some of those students struggle freshman and sophmore years but the curiosity is still evident. "
Yeah im definitely going to steer clear of making myself look like I had no interest in school and then realized I had to get it together because I would be applying to college soon.</p>

<p>I think I am going to tie it together with something like, and by no means word for word, just the generally idea -> Although i’ve always been interested in my studies at school it was not until I had become fully passionate about mountain-biking that I began to truly enjoy/work in school. </p>

<p>ZombieDante, I really did look for the “College Essay” forum before posting and I just looked again and still cannot find it… Is there a way I can still move my post over to that section?</p>

<p>Ahh I just found it thanks Ill be moving this post over there.</p>

<p>Just a thought: since you said you’ve been biking for years before you applied yourself to school, I would think that a key part of your essay would be about what changed about your biking. Like maybe through your biking you had some kind of revelation!</p>

<p>And like the zombie says, 2040 is waaaaaay above average! You’re going to get in somewhere great, especially with such a great upward trend in gpa, so don’t stress too much ! :)</p>