Personal statement feedback please?

Colleges and Universities A-Z University of California - GENERAL
1

<p>be as brutally honest as possible. i need constructive criticism! thank you!</p>

<p>UC Prompt #2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?</p>

<pre><code>On January 11th, 2013, after two months of abstaining from eating meat, I became vegan. A year before that, I would never have guessed that I’d ever become one; though I admired vegans for their dedication and passion, I simultaneously dismissed them as overzealous extremists.
Last October, however, I found a series of blogs dedicated to animal rights and veganism that triggered in me a paradigm shift. The information I discovered on those blogs was horrific and disturbing. I felt afflicted by the treatment of hens and dairy cows, and appalled at the methods employed by factory farms to oppress them. I educated myself on the environmental destruction caused by the raising of livestock and the extensive amount of natural resources that are wasted in their production. I realized that as a consumer of meat and animal products, I was funding the murder and abuse of these animals. I was ashamed and disgusted with myself for participating in such a system, but I was driven to make the best of the situation. The very next day I became vegetarian.
The transition from a meat inclusive diet to a vegan one wasn’t easy, but I have never looked back. I’m proud that I’m able to stand up for what I believe in despite the criticisms I receive, and I’m proud that I have effectively encouraged some of my friends to stop eating meat. Most significantly, I am proud because I know that my efforts are not in vain. The environmental impact of a meat based diet is tremendous; by switching to a vegan diet I have reduced air and water pollution as well as conserved water and fossil fuels. It gives me some comfort knowing that I am no longer contributing to a system of oppression that is so destructive to our environment. Though the slaughter and maltreatment of animals on these factory farms persist, I’m proud that I play a part in the fight against it.
Becoming vegan is a symbol of my maturity and a testament to my personal growth. Since becoming vegan, I have grown more open-minded and environmentally conscious, two traits that I believe are an integral part of who I am. I am more self-reliant when contemplating ideologies and morals, and I’m not afraid to think independently. I now know that my opinions and actions are valuable and have the power to make a difference, and as a result have gained confidence in myself. Veganism has taught me that it’s okay to challenge societal norms that we are accustomed to accepting without question, and has even led to my involvement in other social movements. I’ve learned that in order to make a difference in the world, I need to accept responsibility and start with myself. Being vegan is a part of my identity that I would never give up; it has shaped me into who I am today, and it will continue to push me to become a better person.
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2

<p>I am by no means an expert. But somehow you should tie in your veganism with how you can benefit the campus you are interested in, maybe by leading a club on campus of others who are Vegans. From what I have read, what the school wants to know is why your experience would benefit the school, so tie it in somehow? Good luck!</p>

3

<p>People should really stop sharing their personal statements for all the world to see. If you are going to solicit opinions, use PMs to protect your own privacy…and even before that, try asking people who actually know you. There’s no telling who will steal your words for themselves out on the internet. </p>

<p>But since the deed has been done…might as well. here’s the tone I kind of get from it:</p>

<p>“I used to love meat but stopped eating it because I read some blogs and now its so disgusting to me. I realized that by eating meat, I was actually abusing animals and committing horrendous crimes.” </p>

<p>I hope none of your readers are meat-lovers because I know I would be offended by such a sweeping generalization. However, it’s good that you talk about educating yourself. That’s a theme you should dive deeper into, instead of just describing how horrible meat-eating is. Show that this education process has changed your ways of thinking, not necessarily asserting that your views are right and all others are wrong, but indicating that you are someone open to change. BUT, not so much so. Get rid of the reading-blogs-crap because honestly, that just makes you seem very shallow–just another teen who follows some blogs and discovered how trendy veganism is.</p>

<p>As for the second part, really talk about what you have actually done. Sorry, recruiting your friends into veganism isn’t all that astounding an accomplishment. It may just a fad for them after all. Unless you can really give examples of how you have profoundly turned their lives around, I’d leave the friends out of this. Instead, talk more about all the criticism you’ve received for your lifestyle decisions, how you actually overcame them…instead of just saying, “yeah it was hard but I persevered.”</p>

<p>And then there’s this entire…thing:</p>

<p>“Since becoming vegan, I have grown more open-minded and environmentally conscious, two traits that I believe are an integral part of who I am. I am more self-reliant when contemplating ideologies and morals, and I’m not afraid to think independently. I now know that my opinions and actions are valuable and have the power to make a difference, and as a result have gained confidence in myself. Veganism has taught me that it’s okay to challenge societal norms that we are accustomed to accepting without question, and has even led to my involvement in other social movements. I’ve learned that in order to make a difference in the world, I need to accept responsibility and start with myself. Being vegan is a part of my identity that I would never give up; it has shaped me into who I am today, and it will continue to push me to become a better person.”</p>

<p>Great. Now go back, find specific examples for each statement, and get rid of all the remaining clutter you can’t find examples for. The UC’s don’t want you to just list all the great things you think about yourself–show it. Show that you are now educated on the greater issues at hand, show them your newfound self-reliance, show them what exactly made you a better person. If you can’t provide concrete examples of each, you are just spitting out empty words. </p>

<p>Honestly, I really think the basis for your paper is very interesting…perhaps not the most unique story but one that could surprise the readers…like “Oh…I never knew how hard it is to commit to veganism…I always thought it was just some fad…now I want to learn more about this.” There’s a very interesting angle you can portray this issue from. Right now, you are focusing more on the superficial things that would make them go “Yep, I knew it. It was one of those statements after all” instead of “Wow. This was really eye-opening.” Although you only have five more days to turn this thing around, I think you can do it. Read this statement from the perspective of an admissions officer at the UC, one of the world’s most prestigious institutions in the world and problem solvers, and you will see how it seems a bit silly right now. However, by doing so, you will also realize how you can really win them over.</p>