Personal Statement Review please - revised

College Essays
1

<p>I would really appreciate it if someone could review my personal statement.
HKU's personal statement request,
-Please provide information which you feel will be of interest to the Admissions Tutors and will help them know you better, e.g. your reasons for applying to HKU, the chosen curricula, extra-curricular activities, participation in voluntary work, past working experience, career aspirations and other achievements.-</p>

<p>Please be honest. Previous critiques stated it had too many clichés and generalizations. Does the story at the beginning seem too detached? I didn't add it originally because I thought it was too morbid. Is it? How is my grammar? Thank you!</p>

<p>Just a week after my coworker's crash, I found myself standing in the desert in Afghanistan, sweating more than I could drink, under 40lbs of body armor and gear, waiting to board a helicopter. I was not only boarding the same type of helicopter that had gone down taking my coworker with it, I was finishing the mission he died trying to accomplish. Somehow the danger that had always there during every other flight was now suddenly real to me and left me thinking, I could die today. I could not help but ask myself, Have I really lived my life for the reasons I've wanted?
During these last 6 years I have served in the United States Marine Corps as a geospatial Intelligence analyst as well as working professionally as a civilian. As successful as I have been working as a professional analyst, it's not in this field that I want to devote my life's work. Without reservation I have decided to follow my lifelong interest. My interest and passion lies in biomedical engineering and regenerative medicine. I cannot overstate my enthusiasm for this field of work and even though I am older I have more reasons than I can count why I am not only willing but excited to change my career. With the aspiration of working in regenerative medicine it is very close to my heart to have the opportunity to study biomedical engineering. My brother was born with a terminal disease which I have watched consume him through all the years of his life. I don't believe there's a stronger motivation than that of wanting to work to help someone you love.
Through my experiences I have grown significantly both personally and professionally. Unlike students who may be untested and untried by the world I know that I am dependable, determined and disciplined. Of the ways that I have grown, it is in my work ethic and my leadership skills that I have developed the most confidence. I know the meaning of a hard days work and what it feels like to have another person's life depend on the accuracy and speed of my production. There is little that I would work harder for and that I would find more rewarding then to study biomedical engineering through the University of Hong Kong and to devote my life to the practice.
Attending the University of Hong Kong would not only be an amazing opportunity for a great education and research but for cultural diversity as well. Hong Kong is the gate from east to west and I want to take advantage of the opportunity HKU offers in that respect. More specific to my field of interest, the advances that The Stem Cell and Regenerative Medicine Consortium is making with pluripotent stem cells makes HKU the ideal place to study. The future of regenerative medicine is in Hong Kong and through HKU I am determined to be a part of it.
I have played the violin since I was 4 years old and have been in many orchestras, symphonies and quartets. I often give lessons to beginner students at local schools. I also regularly volunteered as a "cat companion" at the San Diego humane society in my spare time. I have a very active life style, running or swimming at least 5 days a week and participating in sports when the opportunity arises. If I am accepted to HKU, I plan to join Hong Kong University students' Union Philharmonic orchestra as well as find a shelter where I can volunteer my time. I would be profoundly appreciative to be considered for admission. Thank you for your time and attention.</p>

2

<p>Hi LizPCora,
I think your story at the beginning isn’t detached, but it doesn’t connect enough with HKU and you didn’t bring a lot of meaning into it. Sure, you like biomedical engineering, but you never said why and, more importantly, you never distinguished HKU as a school that you desperately want to be in. What I mean is that the story should have explained why you like biomed, but it didn’t really come through. After I read this essay I didn’t really know how you got interested in it (unless your brother’s condition is the one and only reason for you to like it? cuz that doesn’t seem reasonable), and I don’t know why that interest leads you to HKU either. There are thousands of schools out there who excel in the same field, it just doesn’t make HKU seem unique enough. Try to make your experiences more personal and directly linked with HKU, and connect your introducing anecdote more deeply with your body paragraphs.
I personally don’t think its morbid nor is it cliche, but it is kind of conventional though. I mean, your story is very touching and unique, but just the way you write it makes it sound very standard (Because of _____ I learned that ______ is my life so I will _______ in your college). I think the last paragraph is random and a bit unnecessary. It popped out in the middle of nowhere and doesn’t link to your story at all, and shouldn’t the community service part already be included in your application? Never write things that the admission officer can already know in other parts of your admissions, it just isn’t worth it with the tight word limit. You can use this extra paragraph of words to bring more voice to the other parts of your personal statement.
Last but not least, remember to show and not tell! Instead of saying “I am dependable, determined and disciplined,” try to tell the officer something you did that REFLECTS that character trait.
Your essay is on the right track, just explain more about how your anecdote links to the application of HKU! Or else it just sounds like you want sympathy, which isn’t very effective. Hope I helped you! I don’t want to be harsh, just saying what I feel.
Oh and by the way, I’ve talked with admissions officers for hours on how to write good college essays, so I kinda know my ways through this. I’ve personally just got accepted to my ED school, and I think I could not have done it without that essay I wrote, which was edited by an admissions officer</p>

3

<p>Thank you so much for your input! I understand exactly what you are saying. It needs to have an overall point and that point needs to be why I decided and want to go to HKU. I included the last paragraph because HKU asks for your reasons for applying to HKU, the chosen curricula, extra-curricular activities, participation in voluntary work, past working experience, career aspirations and other achievements? Thank you again.</p>

4

<p>The question asks for the reasons, not simply just what you’ve done? The reason/meaning behind the things you do should be the main thing they care about. The last paragraph is only a list of things you’ve done, it doesn’t really have much personal meaning in it. Hope this clears up the confusion. </p>

5

<p>Just wanted to say thank you for your service, and best of luck. </p>