<p>This statement isnt done but what do you guys think it is so far?
My beginning didnt start off where the water would run all day and all night or even a place where not enough food wasnt the topic of the day. I lived in a third world country where people would have to make sure that there was enough money to serve only themselves each day. Nepal is where I spent my life with and without my parents. During the time I was born, a strong force of the yellow fever had sprung. Unfortunately I had caught it and suffered through it for a whole year until year 1998 I was rushed to the hospital because I was not about to live through another day. From a miracle I had survived but was still contaminated. A few years later my parents both left to go to America, leaving me with my grandparents.
At this point in my life, I was no longer holding the yellow fever and also not holding my parents hands. My only dream was for my parents to come and comfort me. The first day I was enrolled in school, I was already behind and wasnt a bright child. Each student was dropped off my parents which made me feel like my parents abandoned me .After finally adapting to life without my parents, I was called over to go to America and start another life there. Crying over this reality, I boarded the plane and flew across the world. Again I had be a part in the education system but this time, when I got into the school all I saw where many faces with mouths that only knew English. My world spun around to a point where I felt left out and separated. The students in my class would stare at me as if I was from another planet and just go past me instead of befriending me. Each time the recess or lunch bell would ring,I would pack my things and quietly go outside to the corner bench in the playground and eat my lunch while looking at all the kids laughing and having fun.
From having the lowest amount of English and the lowest grade in my class, I gradually learned. Receiving my first award in first grade in English was a huge accomplishment for both my parents and me. From this point on, I knew that I am able to succeed just like the other students that shined with brilliance.</p>
<p>If I were you I would tighten the focus. I find these essays to be better when focused on a moment rather than a span of years. Additionally I would definitely change your first sentence. It’s confusing. But I can tell you definitely have an interesting background. But if I were you I would write the entire thing about being at recess, then elaborate about how your foreigness caused you to be alienated.</p>
<p>Please read this pinned post:</p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-essays/255610-posting-essays-other-sensitive-information.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-essays/255610-posting-essays-other-sensitive-information.html</a></p>
<p>I agree with picklechicken37’s comment, but I’m sorry to add that apart from the subject matter, your writing needs a lot of work. I’m surprised that your English isn’t a lot better considering that you aren’t exactly a newcomer to the US. Perhaps your high school English teacher can help you. Grammar, usage, punctuation, word choice–they all need improvement.</p>
<p>Next time ask for essay reader volunteers and PM to them instead of posting it on the board. Oh, and you need to use the College Essay forum, not here.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, you don’t have time in an essay to tell a full life story, as interesting or unusual as it may be. Even though you can touch on your backstory, you need to focus on more current vision of you as a student and person. Keep writing this so you can see where it takes you as you get up to date. </p>
<p>Don’t worry about your grammar right now. Focus on the message. After you have the draft where you get your ideas across you can edit for sentence structure and grammar details. I have to say, though, that the first sentence is almost incomprehensible.</p>
<p>Are you just told to ‘write a personal statement’? You don’t have a specific prompt?</p>
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<p>I disagree. Properly written, I’d guess that the length of this passage could be cut almost in half . . . at which point it might make a good anecdotal intro to your essay.</p>
<p>Get rid of the passive tense and the awkward verb tenses. Then go through and eliminate ALL use of the verb “to be” . . . and then go back through again and eliminate all adjectives! (You can keep “yellow.”) Yes, you may need to add some back in later, but start by getting this down to its bare basics, using active verbs, and eliminating ANY nonessential words.</p>
<p>Then figure out what your message is (what are you trying to tell your reader?), and eliminate anything and everything that’s not needed to convey that message.</p>
<p>And, yes, BrownParent is right - you do need to clarify EXACTLY what you want this essay to tell your reader. But if you can also figure out how to write more effectively, it will make completing the essay infinitely easier.</p>