<p>Any tips on helping an academically undistinguished high schooler from an upper-middle-class family get happy about reality, which includes a budget for college? The kid's legitimate academic needs can be more than covered by the budget. But the desired country-clubbish exclusive social side of college would double the budget, which isn't going to happen -- and this is a shock to Junior, having grown up in a tony community where many kids are constrained by no budgetary limitations for anything. The kid, being a kid, has no grasp on what this might mean, financially, long-term, to anybody in the family. Or how much happier life might be in one's mid-to-late twenties (and the parents' sixties) if the last buck has not been spent on undergrad. (That's why the kid is not in charge of budgeting.)</p>
<p>I know other families have been down this path, and the comments that would be most helpful are literally about how to help the kid adjust. For purposes of this thread, digressions into the underlying assumptions of why there's a budget, how much is in the budget, debt, merit aid, etc. are not helpful. Suffice it to say that all avenues have been thoroughly investigated, and the last hill that needs to be climbed is for Junior to accept reality and get happy about what is really a very nice gift -- for an undistinguished student to be able to go to college at someone else's expense, get a respectable degree, and launch into adult life debt-free. It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. But it doesn't seem that way today, at least not to Junior.</p>
<p>Our rule/deal to start was that we would pay for school but not fun. Tuition, room, board, books and travel to/from school. Basically a full ride, at least at the beginning. Beer, dates, clothes, concerts, etc. had to come from summer job savings or part time work during the school year. We warned the kid about how much was getting spent vs. saved over the summer. Kid’s checking account ran dry last week. Kid acted like it was a surprise and begged for money. Since I have online access to the account, I downloaded the income and spending on a spreadsheet and showed it to the kid. Told him he was spending 3-4X what any kid with no real bills/expenses should spend. </p>
<p>Kid is now trying to figure out how to dig out of the hole. Actually is a good time to teach the lesson since food and shelter are still there. So the tough love is pretty easy to dish out.</p>
<p>After freshman year, we require more student skin to be in the game. Like maybe paying off campus apartment rent but not food and fun.</p>
<p>You seem to be writing out of frustration and haven’t clearly outlined the problem. I’m interpreting that your child is not willing to attend any of the schools you feel you can comfortably pay for without taking out loans. Your child thinks you should borrow or rob your retirement for funds and he’s a mediocre student who will not qualify for merit aid. It really is a great gift if he can attend college these days without loans. </p>
<p>Figure out exactly what you are willing to contribute each year, help your child out with your specs so he can do the FAFSA math and let him do some cost of attendance estimates. Make it clear you will not cosign any loans. Encourage him to join this forum and the knowledgeable members here will beat some reality into him. You need to give him a specific finite amount you are willing to pay. I would also put some GPA rules on the deal as well. </p>
<p>If you have any younger children you should begin to set the expectation early about college finances. I notice a lot of parents here make their children work in the summers and require that discretionary expenses are paid by the student. It seems like a good plan. How else will your child learn to budget? </p>
<p>He needs to get some applications in to some schools soon as I believe a lot of deadlines are December 1. This month sounds like it will be miserable for you. We parents are on your side. Good luck to both of you!</p>
<p>Northwesty, I understand what you mean, about the kid learning the hard way to budget for day-to-day expenses. I am talking about something different – this kid will not being able to apply to the preferred schools for financial reasons. </p>
<p>Any thoughts on how to help the kid adjust to that reality? The only thing I can think of is time. The periodic lectures about “how lucky you are, really” don’t seem to be helping.</p>
<p>I try to leave my feelings out of it, but I must admit, it rankles a bit to be providing what is still a very expensive education to someone who is basically acting like a little monster under the Christmas tree, opening an American Girl doll and tossing it aside, mad because it isn’t a pony.</p>
<p>Hi @fieldsports - we made it clear with our boys that college searching and ultimate selection was a team effort. And outlined what that meant financially, etc. That seemed to help. We also live in a well off town so many of our sons’ friends seemingly had it all and that made it that much harder in some respects. I also wonder if he’s acting out in some ways - maybe he’s nervous about what the future holds? I feel for you - it sounds like it could be a rough couple of months for you guys. </p>
<p>This summer, send him off to volunteer in an impoverished area south of the boarder – not one of those “community service” trips for the well-heeled where you spend a few days handing out pencils to school kids, then a few days on the beach. But a trip where you get your hands dirty and see how most of the world’s population really lives. (For example, many churches in our area sponsor such work trips.) Then your little darling may get a dose of reality and sense of appreciation.</p>
<p>OP here – thank you all. Fortunately, this is only an 11th grader (“Junior” – no pun intended). We have been very transparent about the budget, and which schools fit within the budget, and are getting out in front of all these discussions while it’s still somewhat theoretical, and this is not our eldest kid. This is a simple case of champagne taste, beer wallet – and when you’re offering to buy the beer, you do get tired of hearing about the champagne tastes.</p>
<p>We have always made concerted effort to keep our kids from being spoiled and entitled, but I guess they are to some extent the product of the community in which they are raised, no matter what. The older kid faced the same budgetary constraints, ultimately accepted them, and is happy. This one seems to feel more entitled, for reasons I do not understand.</p>
<p>I hope the kid can accept reality and be grateful for so much that’s good about it. Again, any tips on how to get the kid there emotionally, so that we could all begin to enjoy this, would be valued. Maybe time is the only answer. But I have never spent so much money on somebody, and been so unappreciated for it, in my life!</p>
<p>"…someone who is basically acting like a little monster under the Christmas tree, opening an American Girl doll and tossing it aside, mad because it isn’t a pony…"</p>
<p>So this is a girl and she’s been acting entitled for many years? This is probably just her character. If she does not make some affordable applications soon she will have no college to attend next fall. That’s very frustrating but at this point I’d let her make her own mistakes. </p>
<p>LACluster, I was thinking of something along the same lines. We have a relative who is a board member for a ministry to the impoverished in a blighted urban area not far from here. Helping out there a bit, could be a wakeup call. Although we always have done some of that, and while they are moved by the plight of others, and there’s an initial sense of humility and gratitude, they come back to their home community and pretty quickly get back to normal, which includes wanting all the goodies that they’re surrounded with. I guess it’s a process of maturing, and service to others less fortunate might help.</p>
<p>I think being happy is his choice. If he chooses to be miserable about it then that is unfortunate for him. A college won’t make him happy, popular, a better person, etc. that only comes from the things he does. The opportunity that college affords has to do with enriching his potential not about making a statement to others. Any statement he makes will be because he worked hard and made the most of the opportunities given him. Good luck.</p>
<p>Osprey, just to clarify, the example about the doll and the pony was not the kid in question, it was an image of the kind of ungrateful attitude I feel I’m getting now.</p>
<p>lvv, you are absolutely right. Sometimes it’s really hard to be happy – when bereaved, or seriously ill, or in desperate circumstances. This is not like that. This is just “I want what I want” and “the grass is always greener”. Ultimately, people have to make a choice to be happy.</p>
<p>I am not clear on the problem. Are you referring to champagne tastes in terms of college choices, or a lack of restraint in terms of spending on fun, eating out and so on?</p>
<p>We are talking about the kid wanting to apply to more expensive private schools, because the amenities are perceived to be nicer, and the prospective classmates are expected to be more upscale or exclusive, in terms of where they’re from, how they dress, etc. We are not talking about the more expensive schools being academically superior. The budget covers state schools in an academically strong state, so these are educationally serviceable. They are also a legitimate match for Junior’s academic numbers.</p>
<p>I think at the root of this, we have a kid who will be of living away from home for the first time, and wants to do it in a place that looks and feels like the home community, with people who are from similar communities. When I view it that way, I am more sympathetic. But part of growing up is getting out into the real world, and coming to terms with real-world financial limitations. Moreover, our state schools are not populated with people from Mars. There will be kids from our town, and from similar towns, at each of those schools. There will be a wider range of people than we had here in town K-12, I’m sure, but that’s OK, in my opinion.</p>
<p>So the choice is between average privates and average publics. Do these privates give large merit scholarships to get tuition closer to the publics? Your junior still has more than a year to improve her GPA and get a decent SAT. Maybe she will be willing to hit the books to escape these “dreadful” publics? Maybe you can help her understand the correlation between her efforts in HS and where she will end up in college?</p>
<p>OP, I’d have your older son talk to him and tell him his behavior is out of line and that he should be grateful for what you can provide. Sometimes shaming from a sibling is very very helpful.</p>