Plan For Dealing With Rejections

College Majors Musical Theater Major
1

<p>I'm firmly rooted in reality, and I know that program rejections are inevitable. I would like to think about a how to help my D deal with rejections before we're so emotionally invested and in the midst of the audition season and post-season.</p>

<p>I'm curious how you veteran parents helped your kiddos deal with rejections. I'd also be interested in hearing from "auditionees" as well. </p>

<p>Note: My D has a balanced list of schools as well as two safeties . . . just in case that was going to be a suggestion. :0)</p>

2

<p>I think the key is right in your own post…that “rejections are inevitable.” If your D fully embraces from the get go the fact that rejections are realistically a part of this highly selective process for everyone, she will go into the process expecting that. Also, the other key is that your D has a very balanced list of schools. When all of that is acknowledged from the start, the thought is that you don’t know where she will get in, but she will likely land some choices (due to a realistic and balanced list, that hopefully is appropriate to her qualifications, which is very important). So, while it is nerve wracking to not know which schools will make an offer, it is likely she will get into some schools and the goal is to have some options in the spring. Along with that, will come rejections. If she likes every school on her list, and another key is to not be pining for a “must have school,” then she can’t go wrong. She must keep an open mind. So talking about that from day one is crucial. </p>

<p>My daughters did not get upset when rejected. They came to expect this to happen. They fully understood the realistic odds, even if they were appropriate contenders for schools on their list. They knew they would get in somewhere, but that rejections were part of a highly selective admissions process and they did NOT take any rejections personally (“not good enough”). They knew they were contenders and that rejections still happen because of very low acceptance rates. Rejections were not personal affronts or commentaries on their talents or qualifications, but simply were part of this process. If kids really understand this going into it, then rejections will bring some disappointment, but should not tear them apart because they knew this was a very very real part of the process. My kids did not get upset. Some disappointment is understandable. When a program or college is accepting less than 10% of applicants, then it is also turning away SOME applicants who are qualified to be admitted. That is just the way that is. Not every rejected applicant didn’t meet the admissions criteria, in other words…something to keep in mind.</p>

<p>The other thing to discuss in advance is that while in the middle of this long overwhelming process, each college admissions decision seems so important at the time but inevitably, each rejection and acceptance will not be a significant thing, because they will get into a college and will go off to one of their accepted schools and enjoy it and at that juncture, won’t even care which other schools let them in or not as it won’t matter down the line once they are in college. That is sometimes hard to see while in the MIDDLE of the process but that is really something to keep in mind that in the scheme of things once they enter college, all the other admissions decisions at other schools on the list won’t matter to them any more. So, talk about the big picture. Make sure they like every school on their list enough to attend and so it is a win situation in the end. </p>

<p>Discussing all these points ahead of time and in a very very realistic fashion, should help. My kids were realistic about the odds and went with the flow. I admit they had a lot more acceptances than rejections and that helped but still most kids who build a balanced, realistic, and appropriate (to them) college list, will land at least a couple of college options and things will work out fine. Every person who applies to extremely competitive colleges or programs WILL get SOME rejections.</p>

<p>It is also very important to not pin hopes on one singular favorite school. It is natural to prefer some schools over others. My kids had more like “piles” of “most favorite,” “favorite,” and “like well enough to attend but not first choice” on their list. It was not all about getting into one particular school. When kids have a “one must have school,” it can be a recipe for disappointment. Further, much thought should go into choosing safety schools the student likes and not simply ones they know they can get into but don’t really wish to attend. </p>

<p>So, talking about all this ahead of time and having the right college list for the individual student can help. Keep the goal “going to a college I like” rather than a certain number of acceptances or needing to attend particular schools on the list. This keeps things open to a winning situation. Rejections are no fun but are part of this process and part of life. Anyone going into a theater career will face a LOT of rejections past the college years and so must build up a positive self image and not let each rejection define themselves. Set realistic goals. Know ahead of time that rejections will be part of the journey and move on with an eye on the goal.</p>

3

<p>The motto through the year was that “you can only attend ONE school…so you only need ONE acceptance” from that balanced list. Also, make sure that every school on the list is one that your kid would be happy to attend. After each audition, don’t ask how she thought it went…allow her to talk about it…or not…as she wants. </p>

<p>Through the year, d had a lot of people asking her where she was going to school or where she’d been accepted, etc. (She was gone a lot for auditions.) Her response was that she was waiting to hear from all her schools before she made a decision. Mine? “Stay tuned – we’ll all know by May 1!” </p>

<p>You said that you (parent) are firmly grounded in reality, and know that rejections are a part of the game (they are). What about your kiddo? Is she also aware of the killer odds, the fact that there are many, many more qualified auditionees than there are spaces for them, that many times a rejection is not because the student doesn’t have the goods to make it at a school, but they don’t have the ability to accept all that they would like to? </p>

<p>It’s a good time to have the discussion, to not get over-invested in any school (kiddo and I did lots of research in the choosing of which schools made the cut for auditions…then sort of stepped back until she had her acceptances to choose from). Preparation of the reality of this world goes a long way toward helping the kids deal with the rejections they will get. D told me, “as long as I did the best I could in the audition room, it’s out of my hands after I leave…” </p>

<p>It’s a maddening, stressful, agonizing, wonderful, exciting, thrilling, special year. Get as much rest as you all can, enjoy senior year around the cracks, try not to tackle the mailman while you’re waiting for letters, and remember to have some other things in your life. And ice cream… ;-)</p>

4

<p>The advise given by soozie and mommafrog is excellent. I would add to it theses additional points. First, your daughter should keep in mind that it’s really not possible to “read” the “success” of an audition or to read the auditors’ reactions with any predictive value. So often, a student has what the student feels was a great audition during which the auditors say very positive things or in their demeanor appear to be sending a very positive message. Students can end up feeling very encouraged about a positive outcome, sometimes to the point of thinking that they will be accepted because the audition was such an encouraging one. Then, if a rejection comes, the student’s heightened hopes and expectations are dashed and the student ends up feeling very confused and dejected. The reality is that you never know the outcome of an audition until you get actual notice and in the typical audition nothing that happens in the audition room has any predictive value. Rejections can come where a student had a great audition experience and acceptances can come where a student feels that the audition didn’t go as well as the student would have liked. (Case in point, my daughter was rejected from one school where the auditors had very positive comments and she was called back to audition in front of the department head. In contrast, she was accepted at another school with a large scholarship where in the middle of her ballad, one auditor said to the other “she doesn’t have it” which totally rattled my daughter for her second song and monolog.) So my advise would be to walk out of an audition where you feel good just enjoying the experience for what it is. Walk out of an audition where you don’t feel as affirmative recognizing that everyone has an off day and just try to let it go.</p>

<p>Second, it’s important to keep in mind that there is no way to know why a rejection is received. It’s easy for a student to have doubts about themselves when a rejection or a series of rejections comes in. Often and understandably, a student tends to look at rejections as a reflection of their talent and ability. It’s important, however, to bear in mind that rejections can often happen for reasons unrelated to a student’s talent and ability. It is a purely subjective process often dictated by factors that the auditors bring to the process and over which a student has no control. All a student can do is come in as prepared and focused as possible. The rest is out of the student’s hands and there is no purpose to dwelling on that over which you have no control.</p>

5

<p>Both of those points above are so true and I am glad Michael made them. </p>

<p>I have seen the first one a lot with advisees. Some walk away being told this or that by an auditor and getting the impression they will be accepted. Some auditors are very into making every student feel good about their audition (which is a nice touch) and some auditors say very little and are non-committal. And students sometimes read a lot into this stuff and they infer a lot that isn’t always true and the results often don’t match these impressions that they take away. Students should realize that auditors vary from school to school in how they conduct the auditions and these styles don’t necessarily reflect the outcome. As an aside, I find that some students walk away really wanting to attend a certain school because the auditor was so nice to them, etc. and while that is a natural feeling to get from such an experience, it isn’t necessarily indicative of which program one might truly like the best and I would not judge a school so much by what the audition experience itself was like.</p>

<p>Michael’s second point is so true too. When one is rejected, one shouldn’t assume something about their audition wasn’t good enough. There are reasons one may not be accepted that are totally beyond one’s control. When a school is accepting 5% of the applicants, they must turn away some who are every bit as qualified and talented as those that they accept. They have to choose among the most qualified applicants and often this can come down to building a diverse class of types. You are not vying for every slot in the class. Rather, there may just be a couple of slots in the class for your gender, type, voice, etc. This is why time and again, you will find a student who got into X top BFA program and not Y top BFA program. Many will shake their head and wonder how that can be but given how few are accepted, there is some luck involved if a student fits into a given slot available in the make up of the class. It is a very subjective process and involves more than talent (though you have to have that of course) and factors that one cannot control. So, don’t walk away from a rejection trying to analyze what you did wrong, as in many cases, the applicant did nothing wrong but luck was not on their side at that school.</p>

<p>If one is truly an appropriate contender for a BFA in MT program, then he/she should not be shut out of all programs they apply to (if they have a well balanced appropriate list). I would say if someone is shut out of all BFA programs on their list, then they may wish to get an evaluation by someone in the field as to their skill set and competitiveness for such programs and/or their college list may not have been well built for them. The right list geared specifically to each individual is an important piece.</p>

6

<p>If you can start auditioning at somewhat less selective schools and go for non-binding decisions where you know the results before January, it will help to know you have a school in your pocket before bad news starts rolling in. If bad news comes before January, then you have time to rework your audition material before Unifieds, etc.
One good thing I can say about my daughter having done all those auditions, is now she is in great shape whenever she auditions for shows. She has notebooks of contrasting 16 bars, 32 bars, and entire songs, all ready to sing at moment’s notice. All those auditions for school really help improve your game!</p>

7

<p>Thank you all for your posts. I appreciate your input and plan on sharing what you wrote with my D.</p>

8

<p>I think as difficult as this may sound, dealing with rejections is a huge part of musical theater. Rejection is a hard lesson learned, especially by someone who has been successful in high school. Unfortunately the college audition process throws many “fish” into the proverbial big pond. I think preparation is very important, both technical and emotional, but ultimately this first giant step into the “real” world is an eye opener for all of us. Learning to deal with rejection is top on the list of lessons learned for life in the theater. You can be very supportive, but ultimately it is a solo journey. Every life experience will only serve to make her a stronger and better person and performer. Take the advice expressed above, and very importantly be honest about the list of schools…there are NO safety schools, just some less competitive ones. Cast the widest net your finances and time will allow and hope for the best.</p>

9

<p>Look at an audition as a performance opportunity. MT kids are performers and when given the chance, they turn on their aura. Relish the opportunity not the result.</p>

10

<p>Beautifully said!!!</p>

11

<p>A friend that went through it this year said her daughter took it much better then she had expected and in fact, it was harder on her then her daughter. Hoping for the same but a teenage girl is normally dramatic and add in theatrics on top of it…</p>

12

<p>I think fourkidsmom raises a good point. I know a lot of parents (and have seen posts on the board) for whom the rejections may have been harder than for the kids. Try to make sure that as a parent you don’t do anything to raise the anxiety levels -let the kids own it and deal with it in their own way. Be supportive, but keep your own cool during the stressful period of waiting for news, then getting news you may not love.</p>

13

<p>I agree with the last 2 posts. It was much harder on me than it was on my D. She knew going in how competitive this process would be. She only really loved one of the programs the best as she loved it academically as well. She had some great choices in the end. I was a total Debbie Downer and didn’t have enough faith in her or the process. There were just so many kids auditioning that I just was trying to be black and white about it all. Good luck!</p>

14

<p>So much great advice here already…but I’ll add my take. Our son auditioned at Unifieds for most of his schools. It was stressful and hectic but he learned a lot about the process and the competition. He really wanted ONE school, and as several rejections arrived in the mailbox, I dreaded getting the mail :slight_smile: Funny-his response to several “thin” letters was “that’s ok I still haven’t heard from _____ yet”. I, of course, was worried that the “one” would not accept him, and I knew how down he might be. Then a wonderful acceptance came from a great program…then another. (followed by a couple of rejections!) But he could relax a bit knowing he had options. In the end-he was accepted at his dream school and he will be attending this fall! But it was the last letter he received-so the wait (albeit only 1.5 months for all) seemed like an eternity. Share these stories with your child, and let her know that it will work out as it should and she will be happy with the school (even if it’s only one) that chooses her because she’s truly wanted there. That’s more important than anything. And remind her of that 10% acceptance rate when a rejection arrives. It will make even one acceptance so much more special for her. Yes-it’s a tough experience, but it does prepare them for the tougher real world experiences ahead. Best of luck to all who are entering this audition adventure. We are here for you when you need us.</p>

15

<p>Still reading your posts . . . thank you all.</p>