Hi guys! So I’m a really demure senior who will be in class of 2021. And I know I’m a really bad applicant and everything, but hey, I can dream right? If you could just chance me, I’d really appreciate it. I know that my scores and extracurriculars are really bad and like they like don’t stand out and like, well, like, I mean, like I’m just really worried cuz like, well, I guess you’re about to see so sorry in advance. It’s just really embarrassing but going to a top school is realy like my dreams like so… also i;m sorry if it’s really vague but i need to conserve my privacy.
Objective:
SAT I: 1600 (New Scale) = 800 (CR/W), 800 (M) and 24/24 (Essay)
ACT: 36 (Comp), Subscores all 36, 12/12 (Essay)
SAT II: Math II - 800, Lit - 800, USH - 800, WH - 800, Math I - 800, Biology E and M - both 800s, Chem - 800, Physics - 800, Chinese/French/German/Hebrew/Italian/Japanese/Korean/Latin/Spanish w/ and w/o Hearing - all 800s
Unweighted GPA (out of 4.0): 4.0
Weighted GPA (out of 5.0): 5.0
Rank (percentile if rank is unavailable): 1/1500
AP (place score in parenthesis): Scored only 5s on 30 AP Tests (Self-Studied half of them)
IB (place score in parenthesis): Scored only 7s on 33 IB Exams (Self-Studied most)
Senior Year Course Load: AP English, AP Chem, AP US History, AP Biology, AP Physics C, AP Capstone, AP Art History
Major Awards (USAMO, Intel, etc.): IMO/IBO/IPhO/IChO Gold Medalist (First), Olympic Games 20+ Gold Medals, ISEF and Siemens Grand Prize Winner, Duke TIP, TASP, MITes, RSI, YYGS, NatMerit Semis, Nat Hispanic, Venture Scholar, Soloist at Carnegie Hall (4+ years), New York Times Best Seller, NSDA/TOC champion 4 years, Nobel Prize, Pulitzer, other stuff I won’t list to keep my confidentiality, sorry
Subjective:
Extracurriculars (place leadership in parenthesis): Debate, MUN, Linguistics, Key Club, Rotary Club, Science Olympiad, NHS, NAHS, NMHS, NSHS, NBHS, NGHS, NFHS, NSpHS - President and Founder in all of them. Varsity Track, Swimming, Football, Tennis, Volleyball, Soccer - Team Captain in all of them (1st nationally ranked in all of them, State Championships, etc. for four years), etc. --> gotta keep some confidentiality
Job/Work Experience: Intern at CERN, Livermore (published 100+ papers); Writer for NYT (featured front page new stories), etc, etc, again, privacy
Volunteer/Community service: 2000+ hours - traveling Africa contributing to AIDS/HIV efforts, polio, poverty, etc.; own international organization that has eradicated disease, solved cancer and racism, and instituted peaceful democracies in every country, etc. (privacy is important to me lol)
Summer Activities: Successful venture to stop terrorism around the world (got a Nobel Peace Prize for it), etc. (privacy lol)
Essays: probably like 100/10 because I’m a god-tier writer (hence my novels being famed as better than Dostoevsky’s and more literarily impactful than Shakespeare)
Teacher Recommendations: 100000/10 - “The best student that has ever walked this Earth. Probably transcends humanity completely.”
Counselor Rec (mom): 1000/10
Additional Rec: Nobel Prize Committee Head, HYPSM Presidents all wrote me one, President wrote me one, UN Head wrote me one, Taylor Swift wrote me one, etc. (can’t reveal too much)
Interview: Perfect. I’m so great, colleges are asking me to interview myself. How about that?
Other
Applied for Financial Aid?: Yes
Intended Major: probably like a 10-major so…
State (if domestic applicant): Super obscure state that is always forgotten
School Type: the first place high school in the world (<0.005% acceptance rate), graduation requirement is donating a building to a top university, 100% HYPSM acceptance rate in every class since founding
Ethnicity (Hispanic Y/N/not reported): Hispanic/Mixed
Race(s) (AI/AN, Asian, AA, NH/PI, White, not reported): Native American/Hispanic/African American/etc. (again, confidentiality lol)
Gender: Gender-Fluid
Income Bracket: <100
Hooks/tips (URM, athlete, legacy, 1st gen, etc.): All of them. Literally of them. I should expand more on legacy though for more clarification: My family is a 20th generation to the Ivy League, S, and MIT. None of my living relatives have NOT gone to one of these schools. I’ve also gotten likely letters multiple times from each of these schools. (Sorry can’t go into more detail, really need the privacy)
Reflection
Strengths: None
Weaknesses: I’m rlly bad i no. sory ;(
General Comments:
i really apologize of how bad an applicant i am and like everyone tells me i’m good but i know i’m bad and it’s really stressful for everyone and i’m just so sorry.
Colleges I’m Applying To:
Harvard (EA)
Yale (EA)
Princeton (EA)
Stanford (EA)
MIT (EA)
Caltech (ED)
Cornell (ED)
Dartmouth (ED)
Brown (ED)
Columbia (ED)
Penn (ED)
Rice (ED)
etc. --> all early because these colleges wanted me so badly they had a meeting and decided to give me the unique opportunity to apply to all of them early and like go to all of them so i’ll be enrolled and have all their diplomas and titles and everything
there are more but i need to keep my information safe
again, sorry that i’m such a bad applicant.
My name is Bib Bidybob Idyboo, and I live on Iwish St. in Planet Dreams. But remember, I have to be more confidential with my information sorry 
.
.
.
.
Okay. But actually, sorry that you had to read that (and if you got through the whole thing, I hope you enjoyed). Clearly, this is a parody application because this, apparently, is what the college application process has devolved into: people being “unqualified” and needing to go onto sites like these to find people to validate their experiences and achievements and efforts.
That’s so sad.
Whether or not you get into a dream university doesn’t really matter. Sure the names and the titles and the ensuing connections are great, but colleges look for people who have the drives and passions to achieve beyond pretty medals and fancily decorated sheets of paper with calligraphy on them.
Be a human first. Then an applicant.
Don’t let this, what’s above, become the way humanity functions.