Please comment on my PS

Graduate School
1

<p>Please comment on my PS and provide your valuable suggestions. Thank you. </p>

<p>In my arithmetic class in grade one, I once was requested to recite the multiplication table. “…five multiply nine equals to forty-five. Six multiply nine equals to fifty-four.” I got into silence suddenly. I was just wondering why five multiply nine equals to the digit reverse of six multiply nine. My silence annoyed my teacher. She said that I was so stupid that I even could not remember the multiplication table.
Anyway, I don’t think I was stupid or not suitable for study. From elementary school to high school, I usually took No. 1 in all kinds of mathematics exams and contests in my city. However, I had two shortcomings, one is that I viewed the world too realistic and could not tolerate any flaws, and another is that I lacked persistence, since I got excellent performance too easily.
In Sept, 1998, I entered the Department of Mathematics, y University. It was not my ideal college. No wonder, I felt a little disappointed and did not concentrate on my study for a while. Nevertheless, I tried to get out of the depression. In my senior year, I planed to go to the US for further study, and I got an offer from x University. However, my visa application was refused. Afterwards, due to financial pressure, I did not seek graduate study in China, but found a job in y University first.
Years past, I had got a lot from my job: working experience, decent pay, promotion. However, they were far from what I want. I like imagination and discoveries, so I decided to pursue a valuable graduate study.
My action was not easy since my job duties and some other things took up much time. However, the pleasure of learning and imagination gave me the necessary motivation and courage. Consequently, I began to look at mathematics from a totally new angle. For example, I noticed that Weierstrass Theorem and the Nested Interval Theorem basically refer to one thing in different ways.
I took GRE sub twice, and got 680 (63%) and 760 (79%) consequently. I had planed to get 90% at the second time. However, I had to help my wife with her PhD study application, MS degree thesis, visa application, and etc. It was August when she successfully went to South Carolina. Furthermore, I was a little nervous at the second time. Anyway, the score itself is not as important as what I learn from the course of my study.
A graduate student in Philosophy once said to me” Mathematics is totally different from other natural sciences, because it is absolute truth, precise and flawless. ” I partly agree with him. Yes, mathematics is a precise science, and it maps to the real world very well. But it is not perfect at this time. Based on some axioms or self-evident truths, we derive theorems by logic reasoning. But this method is not always effective. Sometimes we even can not decide the authenticity of a proposition in our predefined logical system. We have to find answers outside the existed system.
The department of mathematics at z University has many creative faculty members. They are the most precious resources for a graduate student. That’s the most important reason of my application. It is a long way for me to go. At Newton’s time, a genius can master mathematics, Physics, and Astronomy together. But today, only a few people can keep up with the rapidly advancing frontier of knowledge, and they have to devote their whole time to it and specialize in a small area. I am just a beginner at this time, and do not have a fixed direction yet. I also know that my academic background is not the best. But I believe my determination, persistence, and intelligence can help me achieve my goal – discovering more mysteries on mathematics. Yes, I can. I wish sincerely I could study and perform research here, and gain a broad vision of mathematics.
P.S. A writing sample is attached with this statement. It is very simple. But you may take a look at it if you wish.</p>

2

<p>new version</p>

<p>It is complex for me to explain why I like mathematics. The internal causes maybe are: A. I like the feeling of discovery and imagination. B. I realize that mathematical principles govern the universe. The external causes come from many resources: wonderful books such as The Emperor’s New Mind, by Roger Penrose, Mathematics’s past, present, and future, by Jincai Zhou and Xi Liang, as well as the prizes I won from various mathematical contests. In the 1992 National Olympic Mathematics Competition for elementary school students, I got successive champions of my city in the first round, second round and final. In the 1997 National Mathematics Contests for high school students, I got No. 38 in my province.
My career did not go smoothly. I was good at finding new methods and initial ideas, but I was too realistic and poor in emotional intelligence quotient. In Sept, 1998, I failed in the national college entrance examination and had to go to x University. It was top 40 in China, but was not my ideal college. No wonder, I felt a little disappointed and did not concentrate on my study for a while. Nevertheless, I tried to get out of the depression and gradually found a right path. In my senior year, I sought overseas graduate study and got an offer from y University. However, life struck my again. I was a little nervous and the situation was tough. My visa application was refused. Afterwards, due to financial pressure, I did not seek graduate study in China, but found a job in x University first.
Years past, I had got a lot from my job: working experience, decent pay, promotion. Unfortunately, they were far from what I want from my boyhood. I missed study. Therefore I decided to pursue a valuable graduate study.
My action was not easy since my job duties and some other things took up much time. Luckily, the pleasure of learning and imagination gave me the necessary motivation and courage. Consequently, I began to look at mathematics from a totally new angle. For example, I noticed that Weierstrass Theorem and the Nested Interval Theorem basically refer to one thing in different ways. Furthermore, I began to pay more attention to the meaning of basic concepts and ideas instead of methods and proofs, and I found there are some many connections between different mathematics branches. I became more eager to know the essential beauty of mathematics. It is the most important motivation for my further study.
I took GRE sub twice, and got 680 (63%) and 760 (79%) in turn. It seemed that I had a lot of time to prepare for the second chance. However, I had to help my wife with her PhD study application, MS degree thesis, visa application, and etc. It was August when she successfully went to South Carolina. Furthermore, I was under great pressure at the second time. Anyway, I tried my best, and I learned a lot, both in knowledge and emotion from the course of my study. So I am satisfied with the outcome.
A graduate student in Philosophy once said to me” Mathematics is totally different from other natural sciences, because it is absolute truth, precise and flawless. ” I partly agree with him. Yes, mathematics is a precise science, and it maps to the real world very well. But it is not perfect at this time. Based on some axioms or self-evident truths, we derive theorems by logic reasoning. But this method is not always effective. Sometimes we even can not decide the authenticity of a proposition in our predefined logical system. We have to find answers outside the existed system.
The department of mathematics at z University has many creative faculty members. They are the most precious resources for a graduate student. That’s the most important reason of my application. It is a long way for me to go. At Newton’s time, a genius can master mathematics, Physics, and Astronomy together. But today, only a few people can keep up with the rapidly advancing frontier of knowledge, and they have to devote their whole time to it and specialize in a small area. I am just a beginner at this time, and do not have a fixed direction yet. I also know that my academic background is not the best. But I believe my determination, persistence, and intelligence can help me achieve my goal – discovering more mysteries on mathematics. Yes, I can. I wish sincerely I could study and perform research here, and gain a broad vision of mathematics.
P.S. A writing sample is attached with this statement. It is very simple. But you may take a look at it if you wish.</p>

3

<p>The first impression I got was that you beat yourself up too much. Don’t draw attention to your negatives! Draw attention to your positives! There was a pattern of mentioning something negative and then explaining why you did poorly. Also, don’t say things like “I know my academic background is not the best.” Talk about your determination, persistence, etc without putting yourself down first! :)</p>

<p>Also, the English has many flaws, but I realize you are an international student. I can fix some of the flaws for you, if you like.</p>

4

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<p>In your second essay, you are doing the same thing. Don’t say things like this!</p>

5

<p>Can anybody help me?</p>

6

<p>To Battlefrog: Thank you very much. I know that it contains too much frustration. However, it is my real history. I want to express it in a more decent style, but I don’t know how to do it.
You said you can fix some flaws for me. Surely I welcome your suggestion! The more, the better. Thanks in advance.</p>

7

<p>I think you should write your SOP more objectively. Like Battlefrog wrote, you should avoid the negatives, but do highlight your strengths and research experience.</p>

<p>Points like the following you should definitely avoid in an SOP:
-“I was too realistic and poor in emotional intelligence quotient.”
-“I failed in the national college entrance examination” <–I’m sure you didn’t fail it or else you wouldn’t have gotten into university</p>

<p>Dragged out descriptions of why you did not “do well” are also unnecessary, like the following:
“It seemed that I had a lot of time to prepare for the second chance. However, I had to help my wife with her PhD study application, MS degree thesis, visa application, and etc. It was August when she successfully went to South Carolina. Furthermore, I was under great pressure at the second time. Anyway, I tried my best, and I learned a lot, both in knowledge and emotion from the course of my study. So I am satisfied with the outcome.”</p>

<p>Also, you didn’t go into details about your research interest(s) and why you are interested in the department(s) you are applying to.</p>

8

<p>Here is my language edit of your first two paragraph:</p>

<p>In my first grade arithmetic class, I remember being asked to recite the multiplication tables: “five times nine equals forty-five. Six times nine equals fifty-four.” I suddenly became silent–I couldn’t help but wonder why five times nine equals the digit reverse of six times nine. Annoyed by my hesitation, the teacher told me I was too stupid to remember my multiplication tables. But it wasn’t long until I proved my teacher wrong. From elementary school to high school, I usually took first place in all kinds of mathematics exams and contests in my city. However, looking back I realize that I still had a lot to learn. My love for mathematics caused me to view the world to idealistically, and I had little or no patience for imperfection.</p>

<p>In September, 1998, I entered the Department of Mathematics at y University. It was not my ideal choice. Having expected nothing but the absolute best from myself, I was initially depressed by not being at the school I planned to attend. Nevertheless, I knew I had to push forward. In my senior year, I planned to go to the U.S. for further study, and I got an offer from x University, but my visa application was refused and I knew that things were not going to turn out exactly the way I wanted. Furthermore, due to financial pressure I was unable to seek graduate study in China, so instead I found a job at y University where I [STATE WHAT YOU DID HERE]. </p>

<p>I’ll try to edit some more later…</p>

9

<p>Way too negative for an SOP. IMO, adcoms aren’t interested in personal experience per say, but rather proof/indication of what you can offer them. This usually is communicated via a description of your research interests, research background, and research ability. Overcoming difficulty may make a nice story but its the end results that are ultimately considered. Mentioning/explaining test scores are a big no no as they resemble some excuse (by implication, lack of accountability) or are simply redundant (adcoms simply check the submitted records). Also scrap the part about your wife as its unrelated. </p>

<p>Final impressions:
-Stop humbling oneself
-Don’t mention “poor emotional intelligence quotient”
-Try not to use statements that reflect the above (failure issues, excuses)
-Mentioning the Weierstrass Theorem and the Nested Interval Theorem was in the right direction. Elaborate more on this, and on your perspective of Mathematics but make sure to carefully substantiate as you don’t want to sound like a charlatan.
-Be careful of mentioning any accolades/awards prior to college as they may be inadmissible or leave a mark of naivete.
-Style wise, remove the “flowery” language. (e.g. “precious resource”, “wonderful”)
-Remove loaded words/phrases (“depression”, “life struck my again”, “tried my best”,)
-Don’t just say “But I believe my determination, persistence, and intelligence can help me achieve my goal”, as its almost boilerplate. The statement is implied if you can demonstrate the qualities via your ideas, perhaps research ideas, perspectives, previous research experiences, work experience.</p>

10

<p>xunoname,</p>

<p>I thought about it, and rather than continuing to edit your essay for grammar, why don’t you first rewrite it with the tips you’ve been given. If you still need help with grammar and more common ways of saying things, post the rewritten version and I can help you out.</p>

<p>Oh, and you might want to check out this site:</p>

<p>[Sample</a> Statements of Purpose](<a href=“http://alumnus.caltech.edu/~natalia/studyinus/guide/statement/samples.htm]Sample”>http://alumnus.caltech.edu/~natalia/studyinus/guide/statement/samples.htm)</p>

<p>There are a lot of statements written by international students for science and math programs.</p>

11

<p>xuoname, I am afraid that your essay is not good at all. You need to rewrite the whole essay, and try to:

  1. avoid vague examples. Be more specific in saying what you want to pursue. Mathematics is not good enough. Are you interested in discrete math, or applied math, or geometries, or statistics, or combinatorics? Why are you particularly interested in this branch, and not others? Did you have any experience working in this branch? Who are the big guys in this branch, and do you know their achievements? Why do you want to apply to school X for this branch, and not other schools? These are the specific questions that adcoms would like to see answers to.
  2. avoid mentioning any achievements at or below high school.
  3. avoid mentioning GRE score, either good or bad sore.
  4. avoid mentioning personal stories (wife, depressions, failures, etc).</p>

<p>If you have taken a course which you were interested in, or did well in, mention it. Talk about what you learnt and how it is related to your research. In general, SOP should be focused on research experience and your academic plans (i.e., what research questions you would like to address at school X).</p>

12

<p>New version. Please strike me down!</p>

<p>It is complex for me to explain why I like mathematics. The internal causes maybe are: A. I like the feeling of discovery and imagination. B. I realize that mathematical principles govern the universe. The external causes come from many resources: good books such as The Emperor’s New Mind, by Roger Penrose, Mathematics’s past, present, and future, by Jincai Zhou and Xi Liang, as well as the prizes I won from various mathematical contests.
In my senior year, I planned to go to the U.S. for graduate study, and I got an offer from A University, but my visa application was refused. Furthermore, due to financial pressure I was unable to seek graduate study in China, instead I found a job at the National Science Park of B University, where I linked to researchers who had inventions or projects which showed commercial and technological promise, and provided (R&D) proposal writing assistance.
Years past, I had got a lot from my job: working experience, decent pay, promotion. Unfortunately, they were far from what I really wanted. I missed the intellectual stimulation of mathematics, so I began preparing for further study.
My action was not very easy, since my job duties took up much time. Nevertheless, I developed a good independent-thinking ability and got a fair score on GRE subject finally. Most importantly, I began to look at mathematics from a totally new angle. To name a few, I noticed that Bolzano-Weierstrass Theorem and Nested Interval Theorem basically refer to one thing in different ways; the essential contents of Linear Algebra are vector spaces and linear maps, rather than linear equations and matrices. Therefore, I began to pay more attention to the meaning of basic concepts and ideas, instead of methods and proofs. Also, I started to seek connections between different mathematics branches, rather than study a specialized field in itself.
A graduate student in Philosophy once said to me” Mathematics is totally different from other natural sciences, because it is absolute truth, precise and flawless. ” I partly agree with him. Yes, mathematics is a precise science, and it maps to the real world very well. But it is not perfect at this time. We derive theorems from axioms or self-evident truths by logic reasoning. But this method is not always effective. Sometimes we even can not decide the truthfulness of an arithmetic proposition in our predefined logical system. We have to find answers outside the existed system. This uniqueness of mathematics makes me eager to know the essential beauty of mathematics, and it is the most important motivation for my further study.
Although nearly every branch of mathematics attracts me, I find the following areas especially interesting: discrete mathematics, combinatorics, and statistics. There are a lot of funny questions unsolved. For instance, is there a general way to quickly determine whether 4-realizable graph with specified edge lengths can be realized in R3?
C University’ s Mathematics program offers a wide spectrum of training and research topics related to my field of interest. Xinyu’s work on Goncarov-Type Polynomials and Maria’s work on really Realizability of Graphs left a deep impression on me. The opportunity to learn from them directly would be invaluable indeed. Therefore I wish sincerely I could study and perform research here.
I haven’t got any graduate research experience at this time and I realize that I still have a lot to learn. In the next few months, I will substantiate my knowledge on function analysis and topology, and then read some classical literature on discrete mathematics. I believe I will gradually find a right path.
P.S. A simple writing sample about Combinatorics is attached with this statement.</p>

13

<p>xunoname,</p>

<p>This is at least 100x better! But I still wouldn’t mention anything at all about the GRE (they see the score anyway), and I would not mention that you have no research experience. Take those out and the only thing left is to clean up the grammar.</p>

<p>When you don’t have something like research experience, don’t make it so easy for the reader to know that. Only make the positive things clear and easy to see. :)</p>

<p>I know because I have a similar personality. I would go on job interviews and basically point out all my weaknesses. I always felt dishonest otherwise, but reality slapped me hard in the face when it was clear that this wasn’t an effective strategy. I still would never lie or exaggerate on an interview, but I have learned that sticking to the positives is the only way to go.</p>

14

<p>To Battlefrog: Thank you very much. I really appreciate your help.</p>