Please critique my essay

<p>I have to write an essay, about anything... i chose about my job and the effects. Please grade or anything, thank you!</p>

<p>McMoney
I remember that Nike sign as red as I see fire, I would swarm those shoes like ants swarm a stick that just stirred their home. Those had to be the ones, those were the ones, we connected and they fitted. The majority of my life I always saw something that had to be in my possession, but could never attain, why? I had no money. I would catch sight of ideal pair of shoes, turn around and take a deep breath. </p>

<p>“Mom, can I get those?” I would nervously ask.</p>

<p>“Sure, if you have the money for them.” She would cynically reply.
All the countless times that this sequence occurred made me crave money, money, and
more money. I would always envision when I got that paycheck, there would be nothing to stop me from going all out and buying enormous amounts of, well everything and my dreams would come true, or so I thought.
Completely out of my financial reach with a price tag of 79.99$. The shoes appeared gleaming under the display light, waiting for a desiring customer’s parent to hand the Benjamin over to the cashier. Worryingly, I would haltingly approach my mom, all the while intensely
visualizing what I would say to get her to concur. </p>

<p>“Mom, can I get those shoes?” I just really didn’t have that long of a walk.</p>

<p>“If you have the money sure, in fact you should get 2 pairs.” She would harshly reply.</p>

<p>I certainly presumed it was merely the wording of my asking, until I reread the price tag. </p>

<p>“I can’t wait ‘till I work and get money.” I would depressingly respond. At the earliest I distinctly remember this cycle, I was barely 14, therefore I had to wait 2 excruciating bankrupt years.
Frankly, another peculiar dream of mine was to always eat and ideally work at
McDonalds. As a first job. There was no way of separating me from McDonalds; I loved that place with a passion. The day finally arrived and I turned 16, “old” enough to work. The opportunity to become rich had sparked and I would guide that spark to an immense pile of wood. My guidance led that spark to McDonalds, the McDonalds on Starcrest. I entered unknowingly of what was to come, and the first thing I encountered was foreshadowing to me. I saw the poster of the Monopoly guy with money taking off in all directions, then and there I knew that I found the right place, that Monopoly guy was going to be me. I cautiously asked for an application and they happily gave me one, as to implying that I would never get hired, so it didn’t matter if I even filled it out, which I considered a possibility for about 3 seconds. I took that application and thought of it as a stepping stone to a grand high school job, I was pleased at my abilities that were necessary to be a Big Mac creator, I was sure that I would acquire the position. But I had to be overt to other options, so I applied to other places. </p>

<p>An agonizing week passed by and I finally took upon the task of calling them for a
change. What an idea, it worked so well that I obtained an interview that Wednesday.
Wednesday, done with first half of the week of school. Wednesday, beginning with second half of the week of school. Wednesday, my interview. The day came and I wasn’t nervous, more like uncertain of the outcome the interview will induce to both me and my job opportunity. I was well dressed and with high goals, me being hired. I entered McDonalds, again looking at the poster with the Monopoly guy and again my future was foreshadowed. My hands got clammy and my stomach queasy as I walked towards the table the manager led me too, as I advanced I glanced at the glances the workers gave me, and wondered if this was the right place for me to work at. More than enough went through my head about failing this interview and ultimately myself. This interview brought a job to me but most importantly experience and knowledge. Oh yeah, and definitely money, in fact, that’s why I applied in the first place. Money is the source of my motivation. As I was taking a seat, I noticed how laid back and calm the manager was, thankfully that brought my anxiety level down. I was shocked that the interview ending so abruptly and hurried, the interview only took 10 minutes. I was curious and dismayed, thinking that he just didn’t want me or just got tired of me. </p>

<p>Suddenly he turned to me and said “You’re hired.” </p>

<p>My money reign had begun. My dream had begun. Money and McDonalds. I started my first workday on a Saturday, throughout the rest of the couple weeks; I applied my abilities and worked hard and long hours. After 2 weeks, I received my first well earned paycheck. Tuesday came, the day to pick up my paycheck, it was glorious. Sun shining, birds chirping, and the scent of the grand McFries made receiving the paycheck all the more glorifying. I opened it and reality hit me. I have a job at McDonalds, it’s really happening, and I am getting paid for this. The paycheck amounted to 250$, rounded up. Immediately I started to daydream and plan my spending. I came to realize that I could barely purchase an IPod Touch. We, my money and I, went over to Target for the day and viewed my options on the IPod, could only get the 8GB, though it was the 4th generation. That would do, that would have to do, I excitedly engaged my feet to take the steps toward the cashier. I arrived, as if I could buy 10 of what I was holding in my hand. </p>

<p>“Would this be all Sir?” She had to ask. </p>

<p>“For now.” I answered without hesitation. </p>

<p>“That will be 248.85$.” She demanded.</p>

<p>Now, to my circumstances and to others as well, with this kind of money you would
unconsciously hand it over knowing that more and more would come to you. But I couldn’t deal with this kind of spending; it was a shock to me when I gave this amount of money up. I was content with the purchase, but not with the “spending the money” part. I came to a conclusion right then and there; I’m just going to save up my money, see where that leads too. Ever since then I just keep my money in my checking’s account shielded by Wells Fargo from the world the Money used to mingle with.</p>

<p>I think you should work on your conclusion. You have a a whole essay on how you’re motivated by money, and that you carelessly spend it, and only a few lines on how you’ve changed and learned from your experience</p>

<p>I don’t really know how to enhance my conclusion. Any idea ?</p>

<p>hey there, I am not an essay expert but I think you got a good essay.
You just need to work on a few more things.
First, I don’t see why this experience is so significant that you would put it into your essay. You gotta show them why, why did you choose it, how it affected you, what lesson pulled out from it.
Second, at first you said you want shoes but in the end, you chose ipod, why?</p>

<p>Shoes was when I was child… Now I’m more into technology? Lol idk</p>

<p>First, I don’t see why this experience is so significant that you would put it into your essay. You gotta show them why, why did you choose it, how it affected you, what lesson pulled out from it.</p>

<p>Right. What have you told adcoms that will make them see you as an admit? What college-ready (or almost young adult) strengths have you revealed? I wanted shoes, I wanted shoes, I got a job and spent all my money. oops. The essay is about a weakness, despite a line at the end about saving.</p>

<p>Many hs kids think they are writing similar to what an English teacher would like to see. Some nice tale that takes a little courage to admit, gets a little dialogue in, takes place over time, etc. But, here, the stakes are higher. You can cut 75% and develop more of how the lesson impacts more serious choices, academic and social. </p>

<p>Show the adcoms how you apply the lesson today.</p>

<p>Okay thanks, but this is a hs essay, not for admission to college</p>

<p>Grivacobae,</p>

<p>I love your essay. I think it’s personal, insightful, and powerful. It grabbed me, and made me want to read on. More than anything, I think it spoke in your own voice, which I believe is one of the most difficult things to achieve. Thinking that it was a college application essay, I was very excited. Now that I know that it’s “just” a H.S. essay, I’m terrifically optimistic for you and your future. You are a writer! Please don’t stop writing. Write more than they ask you to in school, write all the time about everything and everything. You’ve got great sensitivity and an honest style of communicating your ideas and experiences. Keep up the good work! (and you don’t need to post your essays here in public. Not all the advice you’ll get is sound, (not even mine!) and you also risk having your ideas borrowed by others)
Good luck, you’re going to do great!</p>

<p>SD</p>

<p>SD,
Thank you so much, should I save this essay for college applications just in case? And could you grade another essay of mine I wrote? Thanks so much again!</p>

<p>Grivacobae,</p>

<p>Sure you should save your essay. You should write lots more and save them all! By the time college essay time rolls around, you’ll have lots of ideas to help you get started. </p>

<p>If you have an English teacher or guidance councilor who you like, and who likes you, they are your best resource for getting comments on your work. And like I said, I think that writing lots will be most valuable to you. </p>

<p>You also need to practice “re-writing” or editing your work. I suspect most students are changing a word here and there right up till the minute they click “submit”. When you edit, you make things clearer, easier to understand, or just somehow better. Don’t be precious with what you’ve written. Save it as is, and then start a new version. For me, my most powerful editing tool is the delete-key. I just like to get rid of the weaker stuff, leaving only the main idea - razor sharp.</p>

<p>After you’re teachers have looked at your work, I’d love to see it; but I’m not an English teacher, just an enthusiastic parent.</p>

<p>Nice to talk to you,
SD</p>