Please critique my essay!

<p>"Can success be disastrous?"</p>

<hr>

<p>As with everything in the universe, success thrives on the fundamental notion of balance. It lies on a delicate see-saw, reminding us that disastrous consequences can accompany great achievements. The scales of compromise dictate that this see-saw will not always tip in our favor. We might just wish that we had never achieved our "success" after seeing the other side of the story.</p>

<p>The invention of the automobile was hailed as the ultimate achievement that would revolutionize transportation but at a hefty cost. Cars not only emit carcinogenic toxins but also cause deadly accidents that kill hundreds of thousands of innocent people annually. While manufacturers such as Toyota and Honda reap lucrative profits, civilians in Beijing have to wear masks because of unsafe pollution levels. In this case, the see-saw of success may have increased profits, created jobs, and streamlined commutes, but all at the cost of our well-being. Not even a clairvoyant could foresee the unexpected consequences as a result of motor vehicles, but now some people are trying to undo the damage. They decry the use of cars and instead prefer alternative means of travel, such as bicycles and walking. They push for "greener" technology, but as long as manufacturers are successful, manufacturers will have no incentive for change. We had wished for a way to expedite our commutes, and we were answered with a monstrosity with the capacity to melt glaciers and cause cancer.</p>

<p>The film, The Lorax, also corroborates the pitfalls of success. The Once-ler, an optimistic innovator, finds an immediate demand from the public for his invention, the "Thneed." Reliant on the thread-like leaves of Truffula trees for manufacturing more "Thneeds," he completely deforests valleys, rendering them inhabitable to local wildlife. While the Once-ler, now a billionaire, revels in his newfound wealth, going as far as constructing his own city, the animals of the forest are devastated and forced to migrate. When he tears down the wall between his utopia and the outside world, he sees that his factories for producing "Thneeds" have consumed every last tree in existence and have blackened the sky with smokey byproducts. Blinded by his own drive for success, he inflicted chaos on nature. Finally realizing the errors of his ways and the havoc of his vision, the Once-ler shuts down his operation and exiles himself but fails to undo the damage.</p>

<p>Success is not without his downfalls. We must realize that there are no one-way streets in life where we can cruise smoothly towards our goals because the world is like a rubber band; every action has a reaction, and, consequently, everything positive has a negative element to maintain balance. Sometimes, these negative elements are more prominent and nullify all our achievements. In these cases, success is a "knife of sugar"; it tastes sweet but cuts deeply nonetheless.</p>

<hr>

<p>All feedback is appreciated!</p>

<p>Bump .</p>

<p>Bamp .</p>

<p>moltenicee, I think you are at the point in your writing where you do not need further practice with the essays. Generally, they read admirably. Are you producing these within the time limits of the SAT essay itself? If so, then I would suggest that you just get a good night’s sleep before the real thing, and you should be set, with regard to the essay.</p>

<p>It is possible that you might have a very weird prompt–e.g., one that asks about reality TV shows when you have never seen one (real), or that asks about the current economic condition of Iceland (joke), but for 99% of the prompts, you are more than ready.</p>

<p>A few minor comments:</p>

<p>I’d avoid making claims about “everything in the universe” in the opening sentence. Really? Everything in the universe? You also run into problems when you set the reader up with the notion of balance, and then suddenly we learn that the “scales of compromise” are not balanced, but tip in one direction or the other. The readers are encouraged to ignore faults of start-up, but you should be past those after the opening sentence. I think you are trying a little too hard here. You do not need clever figurative language. Straightforward, relatively unadorned language is often scored just as high.</p>

<p>Is “success thrives” really the best pairing of noun and verb?</p>

<p>You might watch your use of terms such as “ultimate.” I don’t actually think that the automobile was hailed as the “ultimate” achievement. (Incidentally, how do my flying car, personal jet pack, and trans-warp drive space ship figure into this?) On the other hand, calling an automobile a “monstrosity” seems to be going overboard by quite a bit.</p>

<p>I enjoyed your last sentence in the essay particularly. This metaphor would have been better without the rubber-band simile that preceded it.</p>

<p>My overall advice–aside from “Now, forget about the essay and work on something else”–is that you should dial back your writing just a bit: fewer extremes, and one or two perfect metaphors, rather than a host of fairly good ones.</p>

<p>I still have to work on writing under the time limit. Sometimes I can churn out a good one within 20-25 minutes, but some prompts, like this one, tend to take up to 40 minutes D: </p>

<p>On the other hand, I’ve still got 2 months to go until the real thing though, so I should be fine as long as I nail the multiple choice. </p>

<p>Thanks for taking the time to read my posts; I’ll keep in mind your advice about “easing up” on the metaphors in the future!</p>

<p>I can really sympathize with the issue about the time-limit. I took the SAT Writing test back in the day when it was one of the SAT subject tests, and some of the test sessions did not have essays as part of the test. I really lucked out, in not having to write an essay. This was a <em>very</em> long time ago. </p>

<p>If I were to try to write an essay in the SAT time frame, it would probably come out something like, "Um [words scratched out] I think um the question poses a false dichotomy in that um . . . " (the entire essay)</p>

<p>If you ease up on the metaphors, and just concentrate on writing straight-forward lucid prose, that should speed the writing up a bit, though, so it would be helpful all around.</p>