please critique my essay

Parents Forum
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<p>Hey guys, I've been editing this essay numerous times and I need to finalize it today and send it in. Please help me revise it.
If you can edit it that would be awesome.
thanks</p>

<p>An application to MIT is much more than a set of test scores, grades and activities. It's often a reflection of an applicant's dreams and aspirations, dreams shaped by the worlds we inhabit. We'd like to know a bit more about your world. Describe the world you come from, for example your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?</p>

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<p>__<strong><em>On a heavy monsoon day, I was walking home from school. The wet ground was filled with puddles and earthworms of all sizes crawled around seeking shelter. I was returning home early because the monsoon was out of control; several strong trees had collapsed and roads were flooded. My rubber gumboots were half-filled with water and I could hear the dripping sound as more water accumulated in them. Soon I reached my building, picked up the mails and ran up to the apartment. Of course, all this time I had an umbrella neatly tucked under my arm but didn’t use it. I loved getting wet and playing in the rain.
_</em></strong><strong><em>After I reached home, I was excited to meet with my friends; activities such as table tennis, carom board, potato guns, and badminton to name just a few kept us occupied. However, the mood in my house wasn’t so joyous. My parents were talking slowly among themselves. Soon my dad approached me, articulated himself and said, “We will be moving to America”.
</em></strong><strong><em>Ten months later, around 11:30 AM, I was disembarking the plane at JFK international airport in New York City. Throughout the flight, I thought of what I had left behind: my friends, teachers, relatives, neighborhood and almost everything that I had called home at age thirteen. In fact, I also had to leave behind my science projects, paintings, and my favorite cricket bat. However, I soon left the airport and saw wide stretches of roads free of panhandlers slowing down the traffic and fast food restaurants on every corner with no signs of embellished temples I was accustom to seeing. I felt confused because the sky was sunny, yet the weather was cold. It felt as if I would need a hundred jackets to stay warm. At this point, I knew I wasn’t dreaming; I was in America.
</em></strong><strong><em>Everything in America seemed extremely convenient: microwaves, big screen television, dishwashers and other such accoutrements made life easier. It looked like a land of paradise until I started high school; the day the real test began. I was once playing baseball in physical education, which is a sport very much like cricket in that you hit the ball and run. That's exactly what I did except I kept on running with the bat in my hand. Over twenty sets of eyes stared at me in confusion and although the incident was funny, I was embarrassed. From then on, I realized that I would have to work harder because I was not used to what was common to the kids here. I started reading extensively and researched information before the lecture to actively participate in classes. Overtime, this turned into a habit and I no longer had trouble speaking up. I started becoming bold and confident outside but when I came home, my world was different. The environment in my house was still that of the Indian culture: I spoke either Hindi or Gujarati instead of English, the food was a mix of both cultures, and along with school work and activities, I had to help my parents with numerous tasks since they did not speak English very well. I have now learned to blend the two cultures by emulating the best of both.
_</em></strong>__My dreams and aspiration have not been shaped overnight. They have developed progressively and my immigration experience has played a major role in shaping my dreams. As a child I was extremely interested in medicine. Upon arriving in this country, I noticed the quality of service and health care available to the citizens and contrasted it with others countries I had visited. I felt a desire to improve the conditions and this strengthened my already present passion for the field. As I grew older, this love has grown stronger because of the increased exposed to the field. Job shadow days with doctors, hospital and other volunteer works, blood drives, biotechnology camp, and internships at Vassar Hospital and Sloan Kettering Hospital have all added to my passion for the field of medicine. My parents have given me the greatest opportunity and resources by immigrating to America, which I might not have had in India. My sister once said, "The world has not shaped you, but in fact you have shaped the world around yourself." When I think back and reflect on the years that have passed by, I know I have been successful, however, the journey is not yet over. There is still the ultimate goal to achieve – the day when I fulfill my dream and become a doctor.</p>

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<p>Anyone.... bump</p>

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<p>this essay will definitely get you rejected at MIT, its just so boring.
In your essay try describing an event vividly, that reveals something about you.</p>

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<p>can you give me an example of how to please?</p>

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<p>I didn't think it was boring. I do think, though, that you've got two different essays in here--one is the contrast between India and the U.S. and how you adjusted to the latter, and the other is why you want to become a doctor. I'm guessing that the experiences that increased your passion to the medical field are elsewhere in the application, so maybe you should skip them here. Actually, I loved the first paragraph. I wish you had a great way of connecting it to what your sister said. If you could "prove" to the adcoms that you are indeed shaping your world as well as being shaped by it, that might work as your thesis.</p>

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<p>I agree that there are two different essays here. The theme of immigration is a rather hackneyed one (see the thread on universal admission essay advice). You could make it less so by expanding on what it means to go from being a child seeking guidance from the adults in your life to becoming a cultural intepreter for your parents and, in a sense, assuming adult responsibilities as a result. </p>

<p>There are some stylistic issues you could fix:</p>

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<p>You need a conclusion. How you manage to straddle both cultures, how you fulfill your role as cultural interpreter, how your self-image has changed, these could be incorporated into your conclusion.</p>

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<p>Hello, thanks for the advice on the essay.
I've been revising it and deleted a lot of the immigration details becuase i think it's just details leading to nothing (not to say there are many other details in the essay leading to nothing)
However, i've posted the revised version and i need serious help with creating transitions in the fourth paragraph. I've been thinking unsuccessfully.
Can you please share any ideas or any correction?
thanks</p>

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<p>On a heavy monsoon day, I was walking home from school. The wet ground was filled with puddles and earthworms of all sizes crawled to seek shelter. My rubber gumboots were half-filled with water and I could hear the dripping sound as more water accumulated in them. Soon I reached my building, picked up the mail and ran up to my apartment. Of course, all this time I had an umbrella neatly tucked in my school bag but didn’t use it. I loved getting wet and playing in the rain.
After I reached home, I was excited to get together with my friends. However, the mood in my house wasn’t so cheerful. My parents were talking slowly among themselves. Soon my dad approached me and said, “We will be moving to America”.
Ten months later, around 11:30 AM, I was disembarking the plane at JFK international airport in New York City. My mind comprised of mixed feeling, but I was excited for the most part. Would I be the next Sachin Tendulkar, the youngest cricket player? Or would I be the next Dr. J.C. Bose, the great biologist who proved that plants too could feel? Since I was a child I have been extremely interested in medicine and my dream ever since has been to become a doctor. I optimistically looked at the future convinced that there would be myriad of opportunities to learn more about medicine in America.
School soon started. Once, when we played baseball in Physical Education I accidentally began running with the bat, a funny yet natural mistake since I was used to cricket. From then on I knew I would have to get used the way of life here. So, I began reading extensively and researching information before lectures allowing me to could participate in classes. One change that was prominent, however, was the change in culture. I never really knew whether to follow American or Indian culture. Upon receiving a 99 on a test, my parents would always question where the one point went, forcing me to recap on my mistakes. Most of my teachers, on the other hand, would congratulate me and then advise me to loosen up a bit. I continued to be influenced by both cultures because of school in the morning and the time at home. However, I consider myself fortunate to have the opportunity of experiencing two cultures at once. I have now learned to emulate the best of both. Instead of just math and science, I also became an expert at dancing and leading. I continue to work hard, yet have fun and feel satisfied. The experience of two cultures has created a unique personality for me and helped me become a well-rounded person.
My dreams and aspirations have not been shaped overnight. They have developed progressively and this experience of immigration has played a major role. As a child I was highly blah blah blah blah</p>

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<p>I had a quick thought about your essay. Remember, I really like the lst paragraph. Think--what does it say about you? That you're outside the box, not doing what's expected (i.e. using your umbrella). That you enjoy to the max what out there for you (i.e. the rain). Have you any other examples where your personality shines through like that?</p>

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<p>So do i express that in the essay, if yes then where?</p>

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<p>Sorry--I meant to suggest you rewrite the essay after the lst paragraph. Or, you could rewrite it following Marite's great suggestion. I understand, though, that you need to send it in today....</p>

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<p>------------------:(</p>

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<p>MIT, Try this: Keep lst paragraph. You have stuff in the second paragraph already about being a carefree kid. So you will have established what your life was like without responsibilities. Then, you have your transition to moving here. Then you have the contrast with what being a "just a kid" here was like, i.e. the paragraph about how you were playing cricket when everyone else was playing baseball. Then, concentrate on this: "I had to help my parents with numerous tasks since they did not speak English very well." In other words, a paragraph or so about, as Marite said, "becoming a cultural intepreter for your parents and, in a sense, assuming adult responsibilities as a result. " In other words, you already have most of the paper written--you just have to dump some stuff and expand on something you already know about. And then the conclusion. Voila!</p>

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<p>okay i read the first draft in another forum and havent read the second but here is what i wrote on the first....</p>

<p>i corrected things with asterisks
On a heavy monsoon day (awkward)
trees dont collapse* (word choice)
Soon,* I reached my building, picked up the mail<em>,</em> and ran up to (my/our) apartment
Of course, all this time I had an umbrella neatly tucked under my arm but didn’t use it.---> could be changed to I had an umbrella neatly tucked under my arm; I never saw the need to use it.
After I arrived* home
the first sentence in the 2nd paragraph is awkward to me
talking slowly? or discreetly maybe or quietly?
I am not sure that is the correct usage or articulate-some one help me out here
Ten months later, around 11:30 AM, I (got off) <em>the plane at JFK international airport in New York City.
However, I soon left the airport and saw</em>(word choice --encountered (more interesting)?) wide
......corner with no signs of THE* embellished temples that I was accustom to seeing.
accoutrements* im not sure that is the appropriate word....it usually is associated iwth militarty equpiment and clothing
Over time this turned.....
The baseball/cricket sentence needs work</p>

<p>The environment in my house was still that of the Indian culture: I spoke either Hindi or Gujarati instead of English, the food was a mix of both cultures, and along with school work and activities, I had to help my parents with numerous tasks since they did not speak English very well. *needs work</p>

<p>I noticed the quality of service and health care available to the citizens and contrasted it with others countries I have* visited</p>

<p>............ dreams and aspirations* have </p>

<p>When I think back and reflect on the years that have passed by, I know I have been successful.* However, the journey is not over.*</p>

<p>Sorry I wrote so much ^ I'm really harsh with everything I read, especially if it is not written my style. Some of my corrections do not need to be fixed, if you don't liek the style. I think you should revise it and have it edited by your English teacher.....don't submit it yet, if u have the choice.</p>

<p>As for the content......
The first paragraph while very descriptive and quite good, seems to have little to do with the rest of the essay. Maybe you could tie in the fact that you loved the rain with America or becoming a doctor. </p>

<p>The rest is more relative, but seems somewhat generic.
I like the quote near the end.</p>

<p>That was just my two cents........ anybody else? (however, I am not a parent. I am a senior in high school.)</p>

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<p>wow thanks</p>

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<p>I don't know if it's too late and you've mailed this. My reaction, after reading it twice 12 hours apart, is: lose the flowery language. Your active verbs are getting lost in a sea of subjunctive clauses. Speed it up, get to the point faster, and spend more time on your point. I think your point is that it was tough being an immigrant and you're good at lots of things--so illustrate them, don't tell about them. Talk about what a thrill it is to dance well with a girl! Give an example of how the two cultures complement--and how they clash.</p>

<p>Of course, that's just my opinion.</p>

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<p>I've read (and believe) that you should remove the transition words....</p>

<p>*<strong><em>In fact, I also had to leave behind my science projects, paintings, and my favorite cricket bat. *However</em> (delete), I soon left the airport and saw wide stretches of roads free of panhandlers slowing down the traffic and fast food restaurants on every corner with no signs of embellished temples I was accustom to seeing</strong>****</p>

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<p>I finally send in my application and i want to thank alll of you for your efforts. You have all truly helped me.
thanks again
Now lets hope for the best!</p>