Please critique my essays!

<p>I know my essays are long, but I really like them, and my college counselor said that they were will developed enough that they could be this long.</p>

<p>I’m a prospective transfer student from University of Vermont with a 3.73 with two upper leval courses (5 total), a 740/620 (math)/730, am president of College Democrats, am the only freshman intern Sen. Leahy has ever had, founded a voter registration group… I did have a 3.4 from high school, but it was a total upward trend that culminated with a 4.0 second semester senior year and I’m going to write an explination about high school. I have really strong recs and have lots of work experience/internship experience. Here are my A-D Barnard essays, I’d love to hear what you think of them.</p>

<p>A- How were you made aware of Barnard College? How do you feel attending BC can help you achieve your personal and educational goals?</p>

<pre><code>My high school advisor, Dr. Tracy, always wanted me to go to Barnard. In the three years she advised me before I was switched over to a college counselor, she came to know my hopes and my ambitions, my faults and my fears, and she told me over and over again that Barnard shaped it’s students into the kind of women that I wanted to be—fearless, empowered, compassionate and fulfilled. As I began to truly mature and come into my own the summer after my junior year, I watched myself become fearless as I ran for co-president of UVM College Democrats against three senior males and win, empowered as I debated foreign policy with juniors in my history class, compassionate as I sobbed on my living room floor watching Kerry concede because I believed there were so many people who needed to be helped by the good governance his Administration would have instated, and fulfilled as my hard work and expanding interests made me a happier person and more effective citizen than I had ever been before. Dr. Tracy first made me aware of Barnard, but I needed time to become aware of myself before I could utilize all that Barnard has to offer. Barnard can give me everything I need to fulfill my academic and personal goals and in turn give back to the Barnard community and the larger world. Instead of merely expanding my knowledge base, I want to expand the way I learn, the way I analyze and process information, and I want to understand the influence that many different disciplines have on each other. Barnard’s Nine Ways of Knowing would give me the opportunity to do this; especially it’s courses in Reason and Value, Social Analysis, and Cultures and Comparison. My mentors at my small high school have mattered to me tremendously. They have known me and applauded me as I have matured, and motivated me to work, achieve, and lead because I have wanted to make them proud. I can’t think of better role models than the women Barnard’s extremely personal advising program and close relationship with alumni would give me. Finally, as I have grown up, I have come to believe that the world is very seamless, and that what I will learn in the classroom is connected to the political organizations I will work for, to the way I will behave in crowded lines and inconvenient moments, and to the good I will be able to impart on the wider world. The seamlessness with which Barnard exists with New York City—a city of innumerable lifestyles and points of view–gives students an awareness of the endless world they live in, and champions the multi-faceted nature of a complete education. Now I am hoping to come to Barnard with my hopes and my ambitions, my faults and my fears, and become the fearless, empowered, compassionate and fulfilled woman Dr. Tracy saw in me the potential for so many years ago.
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<p>B. What fictional character or characters from lit, film, theatre, or TV have intrigued you or taught you something and why?</p>

<pre><code> “Look, a man is a 14 room house. In the bedroom, he’s asleep with his intelligent wife, in the living room he’s rolling around with some bare-assed girl, in the library he’s paying his taxes, in the yard he’s raising tomatoes, and in the cellar he’s building a bomb to blow it all up. And nobody’s any different—except you, maybe. Are you?” -Arthur Miller, The Ride Down Mt. Morgan
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<p>I always wished that my life synchronized more perfectly. I furrowed my brow over Constitutional Law cases with Washington University law students at the ACLU every morning this summer, but spent my nights smiling in a dress and heels, hostessing at a trendy new restaurant in St. Louis that pumped techno out of it’s speakers and cared no more about Constitutional Law than it did about the success of the restaurant across the street. I’ll sprint to a bookstore for the latest issue of Foreign Affairs and sit straight down on a bench outside the store to read the latest academic comparisons between Iraq and Vietnam, but despite all my better instincts that fight not to care, I want to know if Vince Vaughn will replace Brad Pitt as the man in Jennifer Aniston’s life, and so I furtively thumb through the pages of Us Weekly when I think that no one is looking.
In Arthur Miller’s play The Ride Down Mt. Morgan, Lyman Felt finds himself living a slightly less benign double life, as he juggles his time between his wife Theo and his girlfriend Leah, until Theo and Leah finally meet and Lyman’s infidelity is revealed in his hospital room after he crashes his Porsche on the slippery slope of Mt. Morgan. Lyman explains to Theo and Leah that everyone survives by living multiple seemingly incongruous lives—sleeping with an intelligent wife in one room while rolling around with a naked girl in the next—and that the inevitability of this 14 room existence is that one of those rooms and lives—the basement and the bomb maker-- will be devoted to destroying all the rest. And it has been Lyman’s selfish and sad justification for breaking two women’s hearts that has convinced me that I should not seek to quadrant my life into 14 secret rooms, but instead live as one large and eclectic room, with Constitutional Law books cracked open on a desk, a swinging dress and heels in the closet, and old issues of Foreign Affairs and Us Weekly stacked on every surface.</p>

<p>C. If you could work for any organization or company, which would you select and why? Have you had any opportunities to work or intern in this field?</p>

<pre><code> “Look, a man is a 14 room house. In the bedroom, he’s asleep with his intelligent wife, in the living room he’s rolling around with some bare-assed girl, in the library he’s paying his taxes, in the yard he’s raising tomatoes, and in the cellar he’s building a bomb to blow it all up. And nobody’s any different—except you, maybe. Are you?” -Arthur Miller, The Ride Down Mt. Morgan
</code></pre>

<p>I always wished that my life synchronized more perfectly. I furrowed my brow over Constitutional Law cases with Washington University law students at the ACLU every morning this summer, but spent my nights smiling in a dress and heels, hostessing at a trendy new restaurant in St. Louis that pumped techno out of it’s speakers and cared no more about Constitutional Law than it did about the success of the restaurant across the street. I’ll sprint to a bookstore for the latest issue of Foreign Affairs and sit straight down on a bench outside the store to read the latest academic comparisons between Iraq and Vietnam, but despite all my better instincts that fight not to care, I want to know if Vince Vaughn will replace Brad Pitt as the man in Jennifer Aniston’s life, and so I furtively thumb through the pages of Us Weekly when I think that no one is looking.
In Arthur Miller’s play The Ride Down Mt. Morgan, Lyman Felt finds himself living a slightly less benign double life, as he juggles his time between his wife Theo and his girlfriend Leah, until Theo and Leah finally meet and Lyman’s infidelity is revealed in his hospital room after he crashes his Porsche on the slippery slope of Mt. Morgan. Lyman explains to Theo and Leah that everyone survives by living multiple seemingly incongruous lives—sleeping with an intelligent wife in one room while rolling around with a naked girl in the next—and that the inevitability of this 14 room existence is that one of those rooms and lives—the basement and the bomb maker-- will be devoted to destroying all the rest. And it has been Lyman’s selfish and sad justification for breaking two women’s hearts that has convinced me that I should not seek to quadrant my life into 14 secret rooms, but instead live as one large and eclectic room, with Constitutional Law books cracked open on a desk, a swinging dress and heels in the closet, and old issues of Foreign Affairs and Us Weekly stacked on every surface.</p>

<p>Um, CC cut me off for length of a post, that can’t be good, I’m posting D separetly.</p>

<p>Your essays look good. I would go through them again and try to tighten them up more and double-check your grammar. (Tip: "It's" shouldn't always have an apostrophe.)</p>

<p>My daughter transferred to Barnard last fall and absolutely loves it. Based on her experience, I think you're a great candidate -- good luck!</p>

<p>I can really tell that you have a great personaliy from your essays. I especially like the last one and I wish I could read the rest (I had a problem with length too). I also think you should tighten it up just because you don't want them to think it's too long and end up just skimming it. Great Job!</p>

<p>Do transfers apply via Common App? If you are using the CommonApp just make sure your answers fit in the print preview screen. I had to shorten a few of my answers because of that.</p>

<p>And btw I think you copy+pasted Essay C incorrectly! I got confused for a sec..but I second the poster above. Try to make the introduction shorter and tighter because you have an awesome, creative idea but it's just a bit longwinded.</p>

<p>i would say make them a little bit shorter and also check for mechanics. for instance - explanation not explination, its not it's, etc. a simple grammar mistake could be all that's standing between you and barnard, who knows.</p>

<p>i have a question though - you said in your junior year you ran for UVM dems or something, are you already past your junior year of college then? because transferring might not be worth it..</p>

<p>Yeah, it's really too long. And, I don't think you should give a summary of what happens in the book. I doubt you'll have enough space if you're using the Common App.</p>

<p>OK! Thanks so much for the advice! I'm not a junior, I'm a freshman, I was saying that I ran for co-pres of UVM Dems against three senior boys, and I won, because I think Barnard likes that kind of thing (also because, well, I was pretty proud) I'm going to work on paring down the essays tonight, and writing the 'Why Barnard' essay on the Common App. I want to go to NYC to meet with a transfer admissions rep, bc they don't do interviews for transfers, but I'm not sure if I'll find a way to finangle that. Ach, I just want to be in and going already.</p>

<p>I'm a first year at Barnard, and my answers to the short answer questions were no more than 5 sentences. I hand wrote my app, and they only give you that little space for a reason.</p>