Please critique my narrative essay.

College Essays
1

<p>So we were assigned to write a narrative essay that taught a lesson; I'm in the final stages of editing and I would just like to know how I could make it any tighter/clearer/more effective. Thanks for all the advice.</p>

<pre><code> Just because something is out of sight and reach, does not mean it’s gone forever. This was the one thing I had to learn through hardship; sometimes it will seem as if that one detail of your life is lost and has perished forever, truth is, you might just be looking in the wrong places.
With a piercing howl my dream was shattered. Confused, sleepy, and irritated, I awoke from my slumber; seems I had been tired after all. Shockingly, I remembered the yowl of an animal and swiftly began searching for its undisclosed origin. As my eyes wandered over my living room’s surroundings, I asserted some sort of black fluff ball to be residing in front of the terrace’s glass door. Then, piece by piece, memories of last Saturday floated back into my head. I had finally decided to fulfill my biggest wish of owning a dog. I had finally found my dream: the cutest, most beautiful puppy my eyes had ever grasped. Gracie was to be her name.
Anyway, I saw Gracie occupying the burgundy pillow set in front of the glass door, and immediately recognized her wish to play in the outdoors. I seized the handle, turned it, and opened the door to the sunny lawn stretching miles behind our house.
Under my close supervision, Gracie jumped and ran around; it seemed as if her body had become one nature. Her limbs moved gracefully, and her eyes sparkled with pure bliss. Suddenly she stopped and stared at me, mocking my reluctance to go out and dance in the sunlight with her. It was then I noticed the melodious ringing of my phone. I hastily ran back to the house’s foyer and clutched this source of noise.
“What?!” I snapped to the other end, angered to be disrupted from such a tranquil state; turns out the woman, in her haste, dialed an extra digit.
I returned to the backdoor--now elegantly dressed with the wraps of the noon sun--and surveyed the open lawn for a hint of the fleeting spirit. It was nowhere to be found. Panic and desperation tingled in the soles of my feet and slowly diffused throughout my whole body, throwing me into its’ ice-cold prison.
Overworked with hysteria, I ran inside, grabbed my keys and coat, and set out on my perilous journey to recover the lost life.
The next thing I was aware of was the ache in my legs. Stopping to find a reason for this sudden pain, I looked back at the house. It had transformed into a tiny dot on the horizon. Shocked, I realized I had been running for quite awhile. Abruptly, I noticed; the once so exhilarating sheets of golden sunlight had faded into a deep, bloody orange as the first night stars began painting the darkening sky. More and more I became panicky. As I further meandered into the forest, the once delightful gifts of nature overflowed with darkness and malice. The birds, once eager to share their songs with the rest of the world were now still. The trees, formerly so inviting with their glorious leaves appeared dull and lifeless.
It seemed as if the menacing, dark objects around me began teasing and taunting.
“Poor mortal human...” the trees whispered. “Can’t even find his beloved dog; seems you don’t posses enough strength after all.”
Disgusted by their demeaning comments, I gathered all my left over energy and raced the darkness back to the house. And there she was; peacefully sleeping upon her pillow. The world had shifted back to normalcy. Closing the glass door behind me, I ventured inside.
Sometimes, one just has to stop and breathe. Panicking won’t help anyone; instead, think of the easiest solution and stick with it. Remember, just because something is out of reach, doesn’t mean it’s gone.
</code></pre>

2

<p>You’ve got the right ingredients, but…</p>

<p>It’s kind of all over the place and doesn’t really grab the audience. But it can be fixed, using your own words, quite easily. Here is what I would do…</p>

<p>First, take the first sentence and make it your whole last paragraph. That’s the lesson learned and will finish the essay off nicely.</p>

<p>Second, make the first paragraph something exciting that you drop the reader into, making it descriptive (the old “show, don’t tell” and you have a lot of “telling” here). Hook the reader with a little cliff hanger, for example, starting with coming out from answering the phone, returning to your dog which you had left for just a moment, playing and running in the front yard. One sentence - no more - on how much that dog meant to you and the bond between you, and then … the dog was gone. End the first paragraph there.</p>

<p>Now go write the last paragraph - or actually, next to last since that sentence is now a last paragraph - and bring in getting back and finding the dog peacefully sleeping as if nothing were amiss.</p>

<p>Then you have the first paragraph hooking people into the story, the last paragraphs with the resolution and the lesson learned (just state it like your first sentence - don’t say “lesson learned” or “I learned my lesson” or anything like that - just the one sentence).</p>

<p>So now all you need is the “in-between” - the rest of the narrative from panic to resolution and lesson. Think of the in-between paragraphs as scenes in a movie, moving the narrative from the situation at hand towards a resolution. </p>

<p>For example, the next paragraph after the first one could be what this dog meant to you and how you got it (which was TOTALLY unclear in your essay - what was this about waking up and…? I couldn’t follow that at all) and how you loved watching her play and her love of life.</p>

<p>The next paragraph might be your panic and finding her gone, running into the woods to find her, your panic growing…</p>

<p>Then, seeing how far you had come, your legs aching, darkness approaching, etc etc… and returning, still in a panic, but having no choice but to go back… blah blah blah…</p>

<p>And that’s it. you have a lot of extraneous stuff hanging in this that is not at ALL relevant (for example, who was on the phone) and you need to drop that altogether.</p>

<p>So, in conclusion, restructure to give it a more interesting take, remove any explanation/telling what’s going on (“one thing I had to learn through hardship,” etc), cut out the attempt at flowery language (“he once delightful gifts of nature overflowed with darkness and malice. The birds, once eager to share their songs with the rest of the world were now still,” etc) and drop things that do not take you from the situation to conclusion.</p>

<p>It might at first appear sparse, but to a reader, getting dropped into the action at the beginning and discovering who you are and the lesson learned by watching what you did makes it much more powerful. The only telling you should do here is in describing what the dog means to you. Did it fill some need in your life?</p>

<p>Just try that, even rearranging the words you already have and see what a difference it makes.</p>

3

<p>Thank you very much for your help! That was probably one of the best revisions one has ever given me. Well, I read your advise and rewrote my story. </p>

<pre><code> “What?!” I snapped into the phone, angered to be disrupted from my tranquil and peaceful moment.
Finishing this extraneous call swiftly, I returned to my dog, Gracie, who had previously been jumping and running around in my backyard. She was truly the love of my life; no feeling compared to the joy and delight I felt when I just simply gazed into her a dark eyes. I returned to the backdoor–elegantly dressed with the wraps of the noon sun–and surveyed the open lawn for a hint of the fleeting spirit. Then I saw it; the white picket fence door hung widely open. She was gone.
All my life, I had yearned for a companion; someone to share every moment with, someone that never swayed from your side. Continuously moving from town to town, country to country, having that special best friend seemed like a luxury I just could not afford. Always having to go through the same tedious process of making new friends, I decided to acquire a lifelong companion: a dog. It was to be small and loyal, feisty yet relaxed, and truly know the joys of life. I then displayed my dilemma to my parents; overworked and ignorant to my needs, the answer was no.
Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, and after seventeen months of constant questioning and reasoning, they finally gave in. Exhilarated by their approval, I ran back to my room and grabbed my carefully and detailed portfolio. In the months that passed, I never gave up. Almost daily, I added ideas, expectations, and names to my quickly growing list.
Having already consolidated a list of local professional dog breeders, I gave each one a call. The description was always the same: a small, female yorkshire terrier, black with a golden-brownish head and feet. playful yet responsive to orders and commands. Crossing off each number, I slowly was reaching the end of the page. Grabbed by panic, I instinctively dialed the last number. Sure that no object would match my description, I entered the conversation with heavy grief. To my luck, they had her. Perfectly matching my description, she was the only puppy left. Immediately, I ran back downstairs and told the good news. Five minutes later, we were all in the car. After only 62 minutes, we drove around a corner, and my eyes suddenly caught glimpse of the yellow house the breeders had described. As my parents settled all other necessities, I was irrevocably enchanted by this almost magical and abstract being. Just laying there, it was if she radiated with pure light, and it was then that I knew it. Her name was to be Gracie. I took her home, and from that day on, It was as if my life was filled with such force, that everything came easy. She truly perfected life, and no matter how small her gesture, it was as if she lightened her environment, and I could no longer live without her.
With a piercing howl, I awoke from my slumber. Searching for its undisclosed origin, I scanned my living room. I asserted some sort of black fluff ball to be residing in front of the terrace’s glass door. It was Gracie occupying the burgundy pillow set in front of the glass door, and immediately, I recognized her wish to play in the outdoors. I seized the handle, turned it, and opened the door to the sunny lawn stretching miles behind our house. Under my close supervision, Gracie jumped and ran around; it seemed as if her body had become one nature. Her limbs moved gracefully, and her eyes sparkled with pure bliss. Suddenly she stopped and stared at me, mocking my reluctance to go out and dance in the sunlight with her. It was then I noticed the melodious ringing of my phone. I hastily ran back to the house’s foyer and clutched this source of noise.
Returning, I shrieked in her absence. Overworked with hysteria, I ran inside, grabbed my keys and coat, and set out on my perilous journey to recover the lost life.
The next thing I was aware of was the ache in my legs. Stopping to find a reason for this sudden pain, I looked back at the house. It had transformed into a tiny dot on the horizon. Shocked, I realized I had been running for quite awhile. Abruptly, I noticed; the once so exhilarating sheets of golden sunlight had faded into a deep, bloody orange as the first night stars began painting the darkening sky. More and more I became panicky. It seemed as if the menacing, dark objects around me began teasing and taunting.
“Poor mortal human…” the trees whispered. “Can’t even find his beloved dog; seems you don’t posses enough strength after all.”
Disgusted by their demeaning comments, I gathered all my left over energy and raced the darkness back to the house. And there she was; peacefully sleeping upon her pillow. The world shifted back to normalcy. Closing the glass door behind me, I ventured inside.
Just because something is out of sight and reach, does not mean it is gone forever.
</code></pre>

4

<p>Much better in many ways, especially the showing, not telling. But, to be truthful, I think that there is just too much “in-between.” While I like each individual part in the descriptions, I come away from this thinking that it is just too long. </p>

<p>Do you have a word count you are trying to meet, or can it be shorter? I’ve read it several times and tried to pinpoint the problem section: definitely between the “Days turned into weeks…” and “…settled all of the other necessities.” There are a lot of details in there that, while important to you, may be a distraction from the narrative that the reader will see. Start with dropping that entire section, and then add just enough words to tie the preceding and succeeding sentences: “The answer was no” and “I was irrevocably enchanted.” What is the fewest number of words that can transition from one to the other.</p>

<p>Then, one more trick. When you are finished, read the essay out loud… not under your breath to yourself, but really out loud. Are there any words, phrases or sentences that you stumble on or would not use in a normal conversation? If so, change them to flow more freely. Then check out grammar and word usage errors. Make sure that tenses stay the same and point of view stays the same and that you don’t say something like: “All my life, I had yearned for a companion; someone to share every moment with, someone that never swayed from your side” when what you mean is: “All my life, I had yearned for a companion; someone to share every moment with, someone who never strayed from my side.” Or say “With a piercing howl, I awoke from my slumber” (you were howling??) when you meant “I was awakened from my slumber by a piercing howl.”</p>

<p>I don’t mean to be harsh, but you are onto something with the essay and with a little more work, you’ll see how it can shine.</p>

5

<p>It’s fine; I consider true harshness in editing my papers a welcome quality. Thank you for helping me, I can see how all of the things you’ve helped me with is making my paper for effective :] Yes, we are supposed to have a minimum of 500 words, but I just counted and I’m well over that.</p>

<p>“What?!” I snapped into the phone, angered to be disrupted from my tranquil and peaceful moment.
Finishing this extraneous call swiftly, I returned to my dog, Grace, who had previously been jumping and running around in my backyard. She was truly the love of my life; no feeling compared to the joy and delight I felt when I just simply gazed into her a dark eyes. I returned to the backdoor–elegantly dressed with the wraps of the noon sun–and surveyed the open lawn for a hint of the fleeting spirit. Then I saw it; the white picket fence door hung widely open. She was gone.
All my life, I had yearned for a companion; someone to share every moment with, someone who never strayed from my side. Continuously moving from town to town, country to country, having that special best friend seemed like a luxury I just could not afford. Always having to go through the same tedious process of making new friends, I decided to acquire a lifelong companion: a dog. It was to be small and loyal, feisty yet relaxed, and truly know the joys of life. I then displayed my dilemma to my parents; overworked and ignorant to my needs, the answer was no.
Several months passed when they finally gave in. Exhilarated, I raced upstairs and gathered all the things I need. The breeders were already identified, and giving them a quick call, I let them know I was on my way. Soon thereafter, we arrived in front of yellow house the owners had described. As my parents settled all other necessities, I looked over at my new friend, and almost instantly I was irrevocably enchanted by this almost magical and abstract being. Just laying there, it was if she radiated with pure light, and it was then that I knew it. Her name was to be Grace. I took her home, and from that day on, It was as if my life was filled with such force, that everything came easy. She truly perfected life, and no matter how small her gesture, it was as if she lightened her environment, and I could no longer live without her.
I was awakened from my deep slumber by a piercing howl. Searching for its undisclosed origin, I scanned my living room. I asserted some sort of black fluff ball to be residing in front of the terrace’s glass door. It was Grace occupying the burgundy pillow set in front of the glass door, and immediately, I recognized her wish to play in the outdoors. I seized the handle, turned it, and opened the door to the sunny lawn stretching miles behind our house. Under my close supervision, Grace jumped and ran around; it seemed as if her body had become one nature. Her limbs moved gracefully, and her eyes sparkled with pure bliss. Suddenly she stopped and stared at me, mocking my reluctance to go out and dance in the sunlight with her. It was then I noticed the melodious ringing of my phone. I hastily ran back to the house’s foyer and clutched this source of noise.
Returning, I shrieked in her absence. Overworked with hysteria, I ran inside, grabbed my keys and coat, and set out on my perilous journey to recover the lost life.
The next thing I was aware of was the ache in my legs. Stopping to find a reason for this sudden pain, I looked back at the house. It had transformed into a tiny dot on the horizon. Shocked, I realized I had been running for quite awhile. Abruptly, I noticed; the once so exhilarating sheets of golden sunlight had faded into a deep, bloody orange as the first night stars began painting the darkening sky. More and more I became panicky. It seemed as if the menacing, dark objects around me began teasing and taunting.
“Poor mortal human…” the trees whispered. “Can’t even find his beloved dog; seems you don’t posses enough strength after all.”
Disgusted by their demeaning comments, I gathered all my left over energy and raced the darkness back to the house. And there she was; peacefully sleeping upon her pillow. The world shifted back to normalcy. Closing the glass door behind me, I ventured inside.
Just because something is out of sight and reach, does not mean it is gone forever.</p>

6

<p>I don’t want to write your essay for you; you need to preserve your voice in it. So what I did below was to mostly REMOVE a few words and phrases and correct grammar and word usage in a couple of places. I tried to avoid making changes, but there were a few (very few) spots when I did a wholesale sentence exchange. This is 99% what you had before. But read this and see how nicely it flows - YOUR words, but just fewer of them. LOL. And now this is a finished product. Thanks for bearing with me on this. (Note: this may still need more proofreading for typos)</p>

<p>=================</p>

<p>“What?!” I snapped into the phone, angered to be disrupted from my tranquil and peaceful moment. Quickly finishing this call, I returned to my dog, Grace, who had been jumping and running around in my backyard. She was the love of my life; no feeling compared to the joy and delight I felt when I just gazed into her dark eyes. I returned to the back door and surveyed the open lawn for a hint of the fleeting spirit. Then I saw it: the white picket fence gate hung widely open. She was gone.</p>

<p>All my life, I had yearned for a companion, someone to share my every moment, someone who never strayed from my side. Continuously moving from town to town, country to country, having that special best friend seemed like a luxury I just could not afford. Always having to go through the same tedious process of making new friends, I needed a lifelong companion: a dog. It was to be small and loyal, feisty yet relaxed, and truly know the joys of life. I presented my dilemma to my parents, overworked and ignorant to my needs. The answer was no.</p>

<p>Months later, they finally gave in. Exhilarated, I raced upstairs and gathered all the things I needed. The breeders had already been identified, and I gave them a quick call to let them know I was on my way. We soon arrived in front of the yellow house the owners had described. As my parents settled all necessities, I looked over at my new friend, and almost instantly I was irrevocably enchanted by this almost magical and abstract being. It was if she radiated with pure light, and it was then that I knew it. Her name was to be Grace. I took her home, and from that day on, it was as if my life was filled with such force that everything became easier. She truly perfected life, and no matter how small her gesture, it was as if she lightened her environment. I could no longer live without her.</p>

<p>One morning, I was awakened from my deep slumber by a piercing howl. Searching for its origin, I scanned my living room. I saw a black fluff ball residing in front of the terrace’s glass door. It was Grace, on a burgundy pillow just in front of the door, her sign to play in the outdoors. I opened the door to the sunny lawn stretching miles behind our house. As I watched, Grace jumped and ran around; it seemed as if her body had become one with nature. She moved gracefully, and her eyes sparkled with pure bliss. Suddenly she stopped and stared at me, mocking my reluctance to go out and dance in the sunlight with her. It was then the phone rang. I hastily ran back to the house’s foyer and answered it.</p>

<p>It was when I returned from the call that I noticed her absence. Filled with panic, I ran back inside, grabbed my keys and coat, and ran out to find her.</p>

<p>The next thing I was aware of was the ache in my legs. Stopping to ease the pain, I looked back at the house. It had become a tiny dot on the horizon. Shocked, I realized I had been running for quite awhile. And then I noticed the once exhilarating sheets of golden sunlight had faded into a deep, bloody orange as the first night stars began painting the darkening sky. More and more I became panicky. It seemed as if the menacing, dark objects around me began teasing and taunting. “Poor mortal human…” the trees whispered. “Can’t even find his beloved dog; seems you don’t posses enough strength after all.” I gathered all my left over energy and raced the darkness back to the house. </p>

<p>And there she was; peacefully sleeping upon her pillow. With incredible relief, I felt the world shifting back to normal. Quietly closing the glass door behind me, I returned inside.</p>

<p>Just because something is out of sight and reach, does not mean it is gone forever.</p>

7

<p>Thank you so much! You have really helped me perfect my narrative. I just can’t thank you enough! I will definitely post my grade for you :] Oh, and I’ll definitely give that book of yours a look.</p>

8

<p>Just reread it and noticed something I did wrong… I added the word “morning” and it was definitely not morning, since very soon after the sun was going down. So take out that word change I made. I originally added it because I couldn’t figure out why you were sleeping. Afternoon nap? hmmm… anyway, that’s a “plot hole,” as they say, in the narrative.</p>

9

<p>–just to interrupt real quick. I thought this was a great essay! The revisions and removals really made a significant difference.</p>