Please critique my short answer? (deadline tomorrow)

<p>This is my answer to the question:
"Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum). "</p>

<p>Green short grass, the smell of trees, and birds chirping demonstrate a significant activity for me: soccer. This sport, played with mental focus and teamwork, gave me the confidence to take on what I thought to be challenges. I first volunteered to be offensive captain of my team, where I had to make crucial decisions before and during games. As I gained assurance in myself, other hardships like refereeing soccer so I could make some money did not seem ruthless to me anymore. Making hard choices was not foreign to me, so refereeing was a good step forward.
This pathway I made for myself was only the beginning. I went on to trying out electrical engineering for my robotics team (previously only staying on the mechanical side of things), then eventually in my senior year I became the Lead Electrical Engineer for the team. Soccer really has brightened the passion I have for life.</p>

<p>separate “so I could make some money” with commas or just take it out (you might not need it and it doesn’t add anything to the sentence</p>

<p>As I gained assurance in myself, other hardships like refereeing soccer, so I could make some money, did not seem ruthless to me anymore.</p>

<p>Are you apart of FIRST, I’m writing my entire short response on it</p>

<p>Yes I am part of FIRST on a team in Nashua, NH</p>